Heh…two reviews, two consistent thoughts: the narrative is too modern. It does happen that it will be in a modern time, it is only someone telling their tale at this point. And, yes, it is much closer to an outline than to any form of real draft.
As far as the ‘mischievous women’ comment, the narrator is a bigot fool; I’m a female, I wrote it that way ;) Also, the difference between a pitchfork and a trident are quite different, but this narrator is, again, too ignorant to figure it all out.
Just a practice project as I break free from writer’s block, but I do appreciate your time, thoughts and consideration!
Best,
Dana
Please login to continue.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Poseidon's Pitchfork, Pt 1
Poseidon's Pitchfork
He had no use for it anyway. What would a Sea-God need with a pitchfork? It made no sense to me; it wasn't as if he was going to come and help harvest the fields. It was a tool for the land-dwelling, not the web-footed.
Most avoided going into the sea. There were sailors, but they manned boats. There were cleaners, but they did not dare go deeper into the water than they had to: thigh-deep. And when the tide came in, so did they. Only two in the city were considered 'watermen'. I was one of them – and I was an all-to-eager apprentice.
Poseidon's rule of our sea-faring city was not always a kind one - and was always an unpredictable one. If Athena perturbed him, we paid in tidal waves of destruction. If Aphrodite pleased him, we had bellies full of fish. His childish temper was like that of an irrational human. We had been accustomed to the fair rule of Apollo before Poseidon relieved him of his throne. He'd proved one thing to me with that upheaval: that it could be done.
Thatcher of Thebes revealed his plan to me. I couldn't contain my enthusiasm, nor could I honestly deny that I wished the plan was mine - so I lied. He told me that he would swim out to the rock cropping and dive down to the underwater cave system that the God proclaimed his home and retrieve the fork. His idea was to give the idol's weapon to the people of the city, allowing their government to work fairly, without fear of retaliation from a God who picked favorites.
The Tiberus family of Crete had attained a near royal status simply because Tiberus had no compunctions about stealing a maiden and tying her to the crucifix near the edge of the cliff at the top of the rock cliff that housed the God. Trying to dish out justice to him, the courts were destroyed - great leaders slaughtered. Poseidon plucked the screaming, offered woman from the cliff with the sharp points of the pitchfork. Nepha of Athens and her daughters, wily and wicked as they were, could not be prosecuted for their deeds of luring traveling men to their home and robbing them - often, but not always killing them; bodies tossed into the angry sea, where Poseidon snatched up the bodies and tucked them under a wave for hiding. For offering their bodies to Him, and truly giving, they were allowed to commit their crimes. Anyone who failed to look the other way, or tried to warn visitors, was eventually swallowed by the sea. Often, the do-gooders would disappear in the midst of the night - but we all knew what actually happened to them. Nepha was a talented seductress, and few men were smart enough not to be led to the water’s edge by her.
I knew that I was a better candidate for retrieving the weapon: I was younger, stronger, a better swimmer and no-one had ever went further below the surface, nor held their breath longer than had I. But he was my mentor and so I would hold my tongue; I was well aware that I would be the one to get the pitchfork - my plan was already beginning to unravel. But it depended largely on Thatcher's success - and his ultimate failure. He already had a dozen or more of the townsfolk involved and ready to pay with their lives to see their families and their city thrive.
Willing to pay with your life does not equate to being eager to end it, so we met in secret, kept our voices to whispers and used the cover of night as our friend. During the second meeting, Thatcher said something that almost skewed my own thoughts about Poseidon and his right to rule our young city. He'd referred to the 'pitchfork' as a 'trident'.
"What is this 'trident' you refer to, Thatcher? This word has no meaning to me." I announced, confused.
"Darius of Persia was born to a small, sea-faring town. He says that they had an instrument like that of Poseidon's which was used to spear fish. It was called a trident when he saw a similar one in another city," Thatcher gestured to Darius, who nodded.
There was an unsettling bustle in the gathered people then, and I realized that if we were to proceed they would need to be reassured that Poseidon was not our rightful God. I needed to believe that as well. My brain quickly formed a defense, "But we have all seen Apollo with the pitchfork. We know that was His weapon. We know that is what Poseidon uses to control our city."
Superstitions abounded in these times, and most people were ruled by them alone. In our secluded city, formed by outcasts and recluses, assassins and fugitives, superstitions were ignored. We stuck with what we knew, and what we knew was that Apollo was our God, had walked among us, had held the pitchfork during the harvest - and that one day, Apollo had not come, and instead there was Poseidon, screaming from the sea, holding the pitchfork above his head in triumph, "I am your God now! You will answer to me and no other. To show me your allegiance, you will tie your most corrupt politician to an offering pole for me and place him on the cliff's edge by morning."
That had sent the city into a frenzy - and Sirius of Sonora on the run. He was easily the most disliked politician: taxing the poor, raping their daughters when they couldn't pay; declaring a greedy 85% of all personal crops government property, while children starved and he was fat and getting fatter. No, the people had no problem handing Sirius over to Poseidon, and had even cheered when we saw him impaled with the pitchfork and flung far into the sea, where a wave leaped up, formed a shark's head and chomped its jowls closed around him. Perhaps we thought things were changing for the better; Apollo had never killed a man who was killing our people. He always saw to it that they had it rough in the end, though. Maybe that was fair, maybe we didn't think it was. It was possible that we were misguided souls - finding murder the only acceptable punishment - but I doubted it.
I watched the frightened gaggle of townsfolk calm - my words had reignited their convictions that what we were doing was just. It had confirmed that thought for me as well. I wasn't full of moral convictions, but I wasn't one to dispute with the rightful God, either. All was well and this 'trident' theory put to rest. If Poseidon was the rightful God, he might have a powerful weapon of his own that matched his position as a water god. Then we would be blasphemers, not righteous conspirators. The weapon was that of Apollo, and Poseidon had stolen it like a selfish child and wielded it like a cruel one.
By the fourth meeting, we had a solid plan and were ready to execute it. Four of our twelve were already making the pilgrimage to Athens, to beg the favor of the war Goddess Athena. As far as we could tell, she liked to disgruntle Poseidon; she would probably grant us her blessing. As soon as the messenger bird arrived with news of their having prayed at her home, we could go forth. When the waters calmed by the cliff - as they rarely did - Athena would be there to help in the distraction.
I was saddened by the thought that Thatcher had to die; he'd been a great mentor and his lessons would complete his plan as thoroughly as they would end his life. I mentally prepared for the quest and made an idol of Athena to make my own plans known to. Mischievous, as all women are, she would enjoy the trickery. Getting Thatcher to go against his instincts would be my role; insuring his death weighed heavy on my heart, but ruling the city as a demi-god was too tempting.
***
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Erotica reviewed Version 1 -
Read 80% of the Item
Most what avoided going into the sea? Townsfolk? Villagers?
If you are trying to convince the reader that Poseidon’s rule is a cruel one, you should probably use more examples. It might be helpful to use examples of how Apollo ruled before him. That will help the reader adjust to what the city is upset about; it’s kind of confusing now, because most Mythological Gods were unpredictable and cruel.
He had never heard of a trident? Wouldn’t this be odd in his time?
I like the corrupt politician getting his up-and-comings, but maybe a bit more detail? It might be helpful to use this ‘frenzied’ crowd to show their excitement in the beginning and also their displeasure later. This is a good reason and time (in the story) to begin showing the people’s fear of P.
I hope this helps!
- add/view comments (4)
doctorindyj reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
>>It made no sense to me; it wasn’t as
This whole sentence has an awkward composition and I don’t think the semi-colon is needed.
>>or tried to warn visitors, was
Why would anyone visit this town. Pre telephone days aside, things like this get around. For example Bob, disappears when going there. Then Dave disappears and then Veronica. They would start to see a pattern maybe. Also why wouldn’t more people just move away as well if things were as bad as described. I would.
>>and few men were smart enough not to be led to the water’s edge by her.
Again rumors would spread and if everyone knew ‘how’ and why they disappeared, stupid or not it would be rare that someone would even associate with her. Maybe if she had magical powers and could not be resisted intelligent or not.
>>”But we have all seen Apollo with the pitchfork.
I am aware of greek mythology and I believe that Apollo was usually pictured using a spear. BTW Tridents and pitchforks are different implements. Pitchforks usually being long forks with at least four thin tines as opposed to a three pronged spear used for fishing. Don’t want to nitpick it just sticks out to me.
>>rightful God
If you are talking about the monotheistic God then the capital is appropriate. If you are talking about say the god Apollo then it should be lower case.
>>Mischievous, as all women are,
Just a thought. My Western Civ professor once referred to women as ‘intelligent creatures’ which brought a decidedly negative response from the women in the class, and he was complementing them even if it were not in flattering terms. You may want to rethink that. I understand about the prevailing attitudes in the earlier days but if you think that any women will be reading this you may want to consider them or any hate mail you may receive from people who may not understand.
Okay this reads more like an outline. No offense. Even though this is a first person narrative, you should be able to work in a little detail even if it is just off hand. Something like: I could do better than Thatcher, though he was a big and strong middle aged man, I could still swim better. I couldn’t get a sense of the characters, their setting or their dress. I don’t have enough yet to say that I like it but I can say I don’t hate it. It has an interesting premise and you put some thought into the visual of Poseidon eating the rich guy which caught my attention. I can say it has the makings of a mythological tale in the elements presented along the lines of Ovid but something about it but some of the references make it too modern. I think that may be the 85% thing and all the talk of taxes and such which were never so specific in old tales because I don’t think people thought that way back then.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The devil made me do it?
Too many “that” – delete.
Narrator’s voice – too modern/casual for my tastes. I would recommend making it more formal.
This part felt too much like info dumping. Wouldn’t this story be better if you started at the point much sooner to the dive? The backstory can be filled in with a discussion of the plan within the conspirators.
The two side stories of Tiberus and Nepha – it doesn’t fit probably because there is no transition or no connection to or from the main story.
Hope this helps.
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
3 Reviews 11 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 5 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 12 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
