Thanks for the review! With Annabelle she’s not really a mean spirited person, she is just completely obsessed with her ambition, so that it overtakes reason. If you have ever wanted something so badly you feel as though you would do anything, you can probably relate a bit. It’s just that most people don’t act on their thoughts. Thanks though!!! :)
Short Story / The Broken Swan
The clouds were dark and crowded together, undifferentiable from one another. Rain beat against the sky light with the pitter patter of point shoes in a bourree. Annabelle closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to imagine herself standing out alone against the storm dancing her solo from Swan Lake. She went through each movement in exactly how she had danced it over and over before. Finally, when the last movement stilled, she came out of her reverie.
Looking around Annabelle observed the remaining dancers. The day had begun with many more, but Madame Rochette had cut them with an unfeeling efficiency that suited her reputation as a cold prima ballerina. Annabelle held no resentment however, dance was competitive and codling the weak helped no one.
These were the final hours of the Vancouver auditions for the Canadian Ballet Academy. There was no room for error. Perhaps she was so critical of the other dancers because of how critical she was of herself, or maybe her ambitions simply hadn't left any room for empathy. Whatever it was, Annabelle felt nothing for the dancers already cut, except relief that she was that much closer to her dreams. All she had to do was dance the required Swan Lake solo better than six of the remaining ten girls and she would have her spot at the Academy.
Annabelle pushed further into her nook by the door in the reception hall, pulling her thick sweatshirt up to cover the tught bun she had done her auburn hair in, and began assessing which of the girls would be most difficult to beat. Five of them she didn't know by name, but she did recognize their levels of talent. She surmised only two of the five were qualified to be accepted, but still, that was two spots she couldn't fill. The other four girls all attended the same ballet school Annabelle did. Jessica, Cassanra, Jordan, and Cynthia had known each other for years, though Annabelle only felt any real closeness with Cynthia. Jordan and Cassandra were twins and equally gifted in their dance ability. Grudgingly, Annabelle had to admit the two tall, slender twins were almost guarunteed spots at the Academy. Their movements were like willows swaying in the wind, something natural that could not be taught.
Annabelle on the other hand, was not nearly as naturally talented, but was by far a harder worker. About three years ago, after always being understudy for every part she wanted, she had decided that enough was enough and had begun to put every ounce of passion and dedication into her dance. She had lost fifteen pounds off her not naturally slender frame, quit her church choir to train more, and had practiced pirouettes until she wasn't sure there was blood left in her toes to bleed. It had paid off though, and today was the day she would prove her worth.
With the twins most likely taking up two more spots, there was only one place left for Annabelle. Jessica, she reflected, was not likely to be selected. Though the brunette moved well to music, she had recently been fighting a losing battle with puberty. Annabelle was positive the Canadian Ballet Academy would not want a cow on their stage. That left one spot for either Cynthia or Annabelle. Between the two, it would be difficult to say who was the better dancer technically. Beyond that, Cynthia shone with a brightness of spirit whenever she danced that was incredibly infectious, while Annabelle danced with strength and determination that was also beautiful. It would come down to personal preference.
The clock struck five and Annabelle knew that soon it would be time to dance the final solos. She stood and shook out her tight clad legs underneath baggy sweatpants.
"Annabelle! I didn't see you when you were sitting down!" Cynthia ran over and embraced her friend. "I'm so nervous! Are you nervous? Oh never mind, you're a robot, you don't get nervous!" She laughed and Annabelle forced a smile. Nerves weren't helpful, and to avoid them one simply had to be in control of the situation.
Still grinning, Cynthia pulled Annabelle across the pale pink marbel floor toward a large black leather couch pushed against the wall and gestured for Annabelle to sit down. Cynthia's big blue eyes shone with excitement as they looked around like a bird's at the couches, registration tables, and dancers crowding the hall. Annabelle's eyes had a hardness to them, not evident in Cynthia's. Other than thier similar height and pale colouring, the two girls were complete opposites.
"We should start warming up soon Annabelle. Oh, can you imagine? Soon we'll know for sure who will be going to the Acadamy! Wouldn't it be amazing if we each got spots? Best friends, going all the way to Ontario together to chase their dreams! It sounds like a movie." Cynthia paused for breath and did another quick look around the room. "You should probably eat something before you dance. I know I always dance like a slug when I haven't eaten. And come to think of it, I don't recall seeing you eat at all so far today." There was concern in her eyes, but all Annabelle was capable of at just that moment was thinking that yes, it would be good for Cynthia if she ate something and became as big as Jessica. It would indeed be good for Cynthia...
"You're right," said Annabelle slowly. "Why don't you go and get yourself a water and grab me an energy bar? Here's a five."
Cynthia's white smile widened even further and she dropped her point shoes on the coach next to Annabelle to take the money and disappear into the next room where the vending machines were.
Watching her go, Annabelle pondered over what auditions would be like without Cynthia always there by her side. Cynthia would chatter at Annabelle, keeping her mind occupied, while she being nearly mute, was still a solid reassurance for Cynthia. Things would definitely be different.
She sighed and got off the couch. She'd spent enough time in her head preparing for this, and now it was time to prepare physically. Annabelle had already seen Jordan go to the stage for the first audition. She would dance sixth and Cynthia seventh. Pulling off her sweater and sweatpants to reveal pink tights and her favourite black leotard Annabelle stretched out her limbs. She was still fairly warm from the group bar exercises and it wouldn't take her too long to be ready for her audition. She grabbed her backback off the floor and dumped it upside down to find her point shoes. An iPod, her point shoes, a roll of tape to wrap her ankle, and some scissors to cut the tape came tumbling out onto the couch. She quickly stuffed the tape and her iPod back into the bag and reached for the scissors.
They were lying next to Cynthia's point shoes. Annabelle paused. She gave a furtive glance around then reached out for the left shoe. When her hand was about four inches from the shoe she quickly snatched it back and sat down. Eyes closed, she inhaled deeply, held it, then exhaled.
"There's no way. What was I thinking? How could I do that to her?" She mumbled under her breath. Hands shaking, she rested her head back against the coach and set the scissors down.
Not the type of person to allow emotions to control her, Annabelle tried to detatch herself from the situation to think more clearly. Cynthia was the only person in the world who genuinely cared for her, but she was also the person who would most likely destroy Annabelle's dream if she was accepted to the Academy. Annabelle had literally put sweat, blood, and tears into her dance, and this was the greatest opportunity she had ever had. It could be the beginning of her entire future. Cynthia worked hard as well, but Annabelle knew that she had put more suffering into her dance. Therefore, didn't she deserve it more? Blood began to pound in Annabelle's ears. It was so confusing. She lived for dance, but she didn't know if Cynthia did too. It wouldn't be fair to take her chance away.
Fair. She laughed humourlessly. Life wasn't fair. Was it fair that her body wanted to be ten pounds heavier than it was? Was it fair that she wasn't blessed with natural talent doing the one thing she couldn't live without? No, nothing was fair. And if nothing was fair for her, why should anything be fair for Cynthia? Cynthia, whose family supported her dancing and paid tutors so she could be less stressed while training, and who had been getting lead roles since her first recital. Surely Annabelle deserved this more.
Three months ago Cynthia had sprained her left ankle and it was still weaker than her right. If her left point shoe had less support, Annabelle was sure Cynthia's ankle would be unable to take the strain. In a trance now, she picked up the left shoe and the scissors, and began sawing into the ribbon on the inside of the shoe. She only went far enough to fray the material, enough for Cynthia not to notice until it was too late. Next, she calmly put the shoe back into the same position she had picked it up from and proceeded to put on her own shoes and begin warming up.
Cassandra had just left for her solo when Cynthia returned, still beaming, carrying an energy bar and a bottle of water. She thrust the bar into Annabelle's hand and put down the water to begin her own warm-up.
Annabelle forced a second smile for Cynthia and contiued her stretching, waiting for Cynthia to turn around before dropping the bar onto the floor and kicking it away. "Let's go over to the mirror and barre." She didn't look back as she walked across the room.
Later, as Jessica left for her audition, Cynthia had finally stopped smiling. "After Jessica it's you, then me. I think I might throw up."
Annabelle turned wide eyes to her and inched down the bar. Cynthia started giggling. "I said I think, not I will! And don't worry I promise to lean the other way!" Her laughter faded away and she got serious once again. This audition could change her life, it was so hard not to let nerves overpower technique.
"Annabelle?"
Warrily she took her eyes off the mirror. "Yes?"
"How do you keep from getting nervous?"
A part of Annabelle wanted to try and comfort Cynthia, tell her that she would do fine no matter what. However, even if she did, everything would end up as lies once that shoe broke. So instead, she shrugged. "I told you. You just have to make sure you are in control. If you are, then you will do fine."
Cynthia nodded. "You're right. Thank you Annabelle, I don't know what I would do without you here!"
"I'm sure you would be fine. I think I'm going to go backstage and get ready." She turned away, from the barre and from her best friend.
Cynthia shouted after her, "Good luck!"
"Thanks."
Luck cannot be controlled. Luck is not what Annabelle needed. Right then, the only thing she felt she needed was to dance her soul away until the only thing left in her world was dance. She was lost in her feelings about Cynthia, but soon she knew, she would be at home in her solo.
Standing behind the dramatic red curtain Annabelle watched the end of Jessica's audition. The girl moved as though she could not only hear the notes of the piano, but feel them. Annabelle thought it was the best she had seen Jessica dance in a long time.
After she cursied and walked off the stage, Annabelle watched the judges. A spindly man in his late forties was nodding appreciatively to Madame Rochette, speaking enthusiastically. All Annabelle had time to see before her name was called was Madame Rochette rolling her eyes and pushing her cheeks out, shaking her head no.
Suddenly Annabelle was very glad she hadn't eaten that day.
She took her place at center stage and rolled her shoulders back. It was time to live. To be strong. To dance.
She stepped when her body felt like stumbling. She arched when her back screamed to stop. And she leapt when she felt like fainting. She didn't acknowledge any of the pain, only the absolute feeling of power and liberation from all things ordinary. When she went into her final position there was a moment where it felt as though time were completely nonexistant.
Then it was over. She stood and did her curtsey. Now she could feel her muscles screaming and her limbs shaking from a lack of energy. She felt weak and abused, barely strong enough to lift her head. When she did though, she saw Madame Rochette narrow her eyes and nod her head slightly.
Annabelle knew. She had done enough. If her audition would be better than Cynthia's, she would be accepted. Leaving the stage she felt so blank, she could barely register the sensation of being a broken dam that Madame Rochette's acceptance had only plugged with tar.
She exited the opposite side of the stage, while Cynthia entered at the other end. Just as one knows that air is all around us, but cannot physically feel it; so did Annabelle know that slicing Cynthia's shoe was wrong, but couldn't feel it.
Cynthia was a graceful, beautiful Odette. She was dancing her best, with a smile that only faltered the one or two times Annabelle could see her left ankle tremble. Those vibrations were like the strings of a violin, they cried out to Annabelle's consciense, only to fade away like dying notes. At last, on Cynthia's last pirouette, the ribbon broke and Cynthia's ankle twisted sideways, sending her crashing to the floor.
Annabelle had thought that with the snapping of Cynthia's ankle her conscience would in a similar way hold her arrested. Instead, it was as though her conscience had snapped. She did not cry, nor did she rejoice. She felt nothing. Not for herself or even for Cynthia. There was only an acceptance of what had happened, of what she had made happen. Annabelle had secured her place at the Canadian Ballet Academy.
She could dance her heart out, through agony and hunger pains, for as long as she was able at the best school in the nation. She could become the Giselle, Odette, and Clara that she dreamed of.
"This is what I want. I've gotten what I wanted."
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DragonQueen reviewed Version 2 -
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The story was good and all that just one ishu with me…
It didn’t grab my attention. Through out the entire story, nothing grabed out at me…
my suggestion…. grab your reader in the beginning, other then that its really good.
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 2 -
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I like how you have Annabelle’s friend rambling on and on while they were warming up. I could hear the enthusiasm and excitement in her tone.
Wow, this is twisted. Annabelle’s so mean. Slicing her best friend’s ribbon to gain acceptance in a school. The emotions of Annabelle are ones being selfish. How could she do that? So not right. I liked the story though. The grammar and spelling was good to me. I didn’t see anything jump out that needed replacing or rephrasing. Good short story.
jhmckeogh reviewed Version 2 -
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In redrafts, pay attention to showing action versus telling it. ”She’d spent enough time in her head preparing for this, and now it was time to prepare physically.” This line doesn’t add anything. Let her do some other stretch, show that her head is in it, she’s just working the body now.
I felt i wanted to see a more detailed account of annabelle’s dance. what about it makes it magic?
The line about the air and not feeling it needs to be retooled…. now its too clunky, forced even.
Overall, this was a good build up of momentum piece. I kinda saw it coming the whole time though. I was thinking, let the friend break her ankle first. Then draw the annabelle scene, but have her break her ankle as well (or instead). Have someone sabatage her gear too. Spin it on its head.
Use the ballet more for setting, let me see the dancers move.
Jim
oneshot92 reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m not sure exactly why, but my editor advised me not to open a story or scene with ‘the’.
She had lost fifteen pounds – Try not to use ‘had’ in this way so much. I know a passive voice is hard to stay completely away from, but these can be minimized some.
She had lost fifteen pounds off her not naturally slender frame, quit her church choir to train more, and had practiced pirouettes – There is no need for the comma after and here. Only if you are using four or more statements consecutively.
Nerves weren’t helpful, and to avoid them one simply had to be – Move the comma to after ‘them’.
looked around like a bird’s at the couches, – lose the ‘a’ .
Those vibrations were like the strings of a violin, they cried out to Annabelle’s conscience, only to fade away like dying notes. – One of the best lines I’ve read in a long time.
This was a really nice read. Just take a closer look at the grammar and you should be okay. The only other suggestion that I can offer is to try and throw a little more description in to give us a better image of the scene. Good luck and thanks for the opportunity to review. I enjoyed it.
Dous reviewed Version 1 -
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hi, i couldn’t find fault with the story itself, so the best i can do for you is just point out the spelling mistakes that i could pick up… hope it helps, lol
undifferentiable, i can’t find a single word that is close to what you mean with the word, so rephrasing the entire sentence might help
tught – taut
guarunteed – guaranteed
marbel – marble
thier – their
Acadamy – academy
detatch – detach
contiued – continued
Warrily – warily
cursied - curtsied
nonexistant – nonexistent
consciense – conscience
If you still have trouble with your spell checker, try http://tinyspell.m6.net/
there you can download tinyspell, which checks spelling for you as you type in any program.
secretdustbunnies reviewed Version 1 -
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I would put some desciption of the auditorium or wherever it is set. she should have a sense of place wherever she is day dreaming: in a seat, on a bench, on the floor in the corner by a window and under the skylight. Who knows?
-secredustbunnies
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