Flash Fiction / She Wouldn't Let Go

Powerful sentences can be diluted with the literary equivalent of filler words used in speech (uh, um, so, etc…).  Often they take the form of “about” “just” and so forth.  These should be used sparingly and with determination to improve the outcome of a sentence, when it is crucial that a specific idea be transmitted.  Consider this revision of one of your sentences:

“A room of a thousand rugs and tapestries.” or “A room of a thousand rugs and wall hangings.”  Tapestries are wall hangings, so it is odd to say there are a thousand tapestries, and a few wall hangings.  ”A few certain” is an odd expression, and without wasting neurons to interpret it, I am going to consider it a meaningless “filler.”  Is it important that the number of rugs be within a range close to a thousand, give or take?  If not important, then skip the “about”.  It is like a great sandwich with a little too much mayo.

“All imported with prices that kept them from being relocated.”  Another sentence diluter is the passive voice.  Used sparingly when the active voice would be absurdly active.  This should be rare.  

“This finery was priced to prevent relocation.”  

Words like “seemed” or “felt like” are weak and noncomittal.

“It resembled a museum of ancient artifacts.”

“for” can also be a weak buttress – superficial scaffolding that offers no support, and clutters things.  Use for when determining direction of possession or action “This screwdriver is for lobotomizing my relatives.”  ”For one could gaze” is stronger if you write “One could gaze”.

As for the guilty sentence (sorry for the double entendre) there is another problem- I can’t put my finger on it.  ”One could gaze upon the wall hangings and discover images woven into the fabric, depicting Jesus breaking bread.”

I’m not sure my offering is much better – but the conjunction in your version oddly presents the feeling that over here are wall hangings, and over there are images of Jesus breaking bread.  Maybe you just need to change the “and glimpse” to “featuring”.  

I think there is something in this entire paragraph that is simply kiltered oddly.  There are many artistic rendings of the stories of Jesus – breaking bread, the crucifixion, the resurrection, the sermon on the mount, the prayer at Gethsemene, etc…  Why would there be many images of Jesus breaking bread?  And are you suggesting Jesus is Buddha?  It’s been done, but I’m not sure that Jesus breaking bread is meant to refer to Buddha meditating.  I would perhaps start that sentences with, “Among the renderings one could find a meditative Buddha, Confucious scribing his wisdom, God reaching a finger to Adam, and many other inspirational figures.”

If you mean to display an array of art, change some of the religious icons… a hard set up when you point out Jesus first.  But here is the real issue… this is being told in third person POV of “she”.  If she isn’t noticing the art, then the details are not necessary and a little weird.  Just leave it as a great room with a thousand rugs and tapestries, like a museum, and move on.

“solo tear”... I’m not thrilled with that.  ”solitary tear” works better.

“slowly” is a weak word (most adverbs suck as a general rule, at least in fiction).  Unless the speed of the tear is critical, “slowly” can go.  If it is important, slowly isn’t helpful either – use a better adverb or rewrite the sentence to remove the adverb.  ”The tear departed her eye and streamed down her cheek like a lazy cloud in a summer sky.”  Well not that, but something along those lines.

“probably” see “seemed”.  Actually this is worse… you don’t “probably think” you actually think.  If you think you might be thinking, you are certainly thinking.

I would drop “it must not be here” as it is redundant.

“The hours had passed…”  wrong tense.  ”The hours passed…”

“began”... see “probably” and “seemed”.  Well, sometimes this one is helpful, but still a flimsy word, like a taco with so much sour cream.  ”The hours passed tucking the sun into the distant horizon.”  Or just “distance”.

“And she still”... more sour cream on this taco.  A little is good, too much ruins dinner.  Like too much mayo on an egg sandwich with cheap cheese.  ”She stared at a shelf on the wall.”

The tapestries lost their hold of their colors in the growing gloom; all the vibrant reds, blues,and oranges reduced to pathetic smears in her periphery.”

Again… this isn’t meant for your story, but an idea of how you may wish to proceed.

Get rid of “Or possibly disappointment.”  That is disappointment!  Damn find sentence of turning away in dispair, and then you pour the mayo and sour cream turning a crisp delicious taco into a soggy egg sandwich with Walmart rock-bottom-brand melted-cheese-product substitute.  

One “she wouldn’t let go” is sufficient.  Three of them and it feels like the cd is stuck again playing “hey hey mama” over and over.  

“The wind grew to a gust” or something other than “picked up”.  Picked up is what you do with small children, your room, a veneral disease, or a clue.  Unless you say the wind picked up the refuse on the side of the street and pitched it into a whimsical cyclone dancing like a soddon wastrel along the curb.  Or something.

Not sure if she is in a room why the wind is brushing dust on her cheeks.  I mean it can do that, depending on the room.  A little unclear here.

I love sentence fragments.  Use them all the time.  Too many can distract the reader.  The sentence describing the colors of the ceramics could use a subject and verb.  ”There were…” would be fine and dandy.

“She picked it up and sensed reality was betraying her.”  Try it out, active voice is a lot of fun.  Less fun is had by the passive voice.  See?  Next sentence… “It was betraying her.”  Italicize “was”.

“She cradled the ceramic pot in her arms like a newborn baby.”  ”holding it so tightly” isn’t tight.

“She hummed a soft melody as she swayed from side to side.”  

“She found her son.”

“She held the pot to her breast.  She would never let it go.”

The repeating is queasy.. I know what you are trying to do, and hope you are not offended if I suggest it might not have the effect you intend.  

Very intriguing story… a surreal atmosphere with a punchy ending.

A wee bit of customary proofing/editing and you get kung fu.

This is really beautifull writing.  I could see what the woman in the story saw.  I got a strong feeling of loss and madness.

This is so fascinating even though it is really obscure.  I read it several times hoping it would reveal itself to me.  Is the woman mentally unstable and we the readers are observing her making connections where there are no connections in a shop?  Is there more to this woman?  Is she actually holding an urn with her son?  Much could be read into this story I assume.  The language is rich and vibrant.  Reading it was lovely.  I felt I was there in the shop watching.  But I think it would help if the message was more clear.  Then again, the mystery is sometimes lovely also.

“as if” glancing at those who had also been left behind

it sounds more like she actually was.  There is another “as if” in the sentence right after.

tuck itself into the distant what?

it really was what?  betraying her?

it seems kind of rough, but I think it makes a point.  Is this part of a longer story?  There are parts that don’t seem to have anything to do with the story, like the faces, but if it’s bigger it would.

okay, not bad.

you thankfully write articulate, i could picture everything u wrote.

some sentences are a little stilted. ‘prices that kept them from being relocated’ how about ‘their prices ensured they barely moved.’

i would have said. ‘the colors merged into a blur in her peripheral vision’

‘she probably thought’ take out probably. that signifies we are observing her from afar. usually we are told what’s what.

i was surprised when i found out what she was looking for.
the piece could have been written in any time period. is this ancient Egypt? Modern times? how and why were her son’s ashes (?) in a jar in what sounds like a museum? lots of questions there. Still a nice study in writing a scene.