Well, I’m trying to give the reader a first person experience of what I was feeling. This was all how and what was going through my mind as it was going on and what I remembered just before it. I tried to pull the reader into the experience and what it was like to be on the drugs and what it was like to find out what was going on even though you didn’t really.
Non-fiction / Crash
The hours of “snowboarding” and chugging beers finally began to take a toll on me. As we pulled into the tunnel dug into the mountain I shut my eyes and I felt my conscious sink into the inky blackness that covered the entrance to the world of dreams.
I instantly opened my eyes and knew right away that something was awry. First of all there is not a huge white ass ceiling inside of Melissa’s car. Plus, I was sitting up, kind of, when I last fell asleep. My first thought is that we had gone clubbing like we had planned and I had partaken in a few too many drinks Long Island Ice Teas coming to mind first of all. A few of those made Italian style and you are scattered. This wasn’t the first time I had awoken somewhere I hadn’t ever fell asleep before or even remembered ever coming to in the first place.
Once the shock of being somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be wore off I felt something huge with many legs in my mouth. My eyes bulged because the only thing that popped into my maniac mind was a huge spider and I jerked my body, which didn’t move like it was supposed to. Also, my eyes bobbed down a little and caught onto something that made them go crossed. I couldn’t make out what it was exactly but it looked about the shape of a cigarette. Before I could wonder what it was my mind remembered the spider, which as a species I totally fucking abhor, that was in my mouth and my body jerked again. It definitely, the jerking, was something I needed to stop because this time my eye caught onto something new protruding through me. Actually, four things; they were like pins, very long thick pins and they were all poked through a metal belt like thing that was wrapped around my waist. But they didn’t stop there instead they opted to be going right through my skin and bone. Thoughts of spiders in my mouth soon became the least of my worries.
I looked to my left and noticed my left arm was in a cast. I inspected my stomach and found tubes giving or receiving I didn’t know which white and dark brown, muddy fluids coming or going somewhere I couldn’t see. My left foot, which seemed miles away, was also in a cast and the parts of my toes that I could see how metal pins or something sticking out of them. My eyes bulged but funnily enough I wasn’t scared or panicky, I mean aside from the spider and really that didn’t cause me to freak out as much as it ought to have.
I started feeling very sleepy and there was nothing I could do about it. It seemed seconds later but it must have been more because the room seemed more brightly lit than it had the last time I checked. Now, I knew that I must be in a hospital but I couldn’t for the life of me tell myself why. Little did I know that the answer was walking my way just as I was about to nod off again. The man was little I knew but he seemed huge, tall really but in a weird funhouse mirror kind of way.
He didn’t introduce himself at all. The only reason I knew he was a doctor aside from the white coat was the stethoscope snaked around his neck which to me looked more menacing than what had happened to me. I figure he’s about to ask me how I feel or something but the only words that come out of his mouth in broken Italian accented English is “Car accident. American’s fault. Drunk driving. Two of your friends died. One lived.” As soon as he finished his sentence he was off and gone. Disappeared. I don’t think I saw the fucker ever again.
I turned to my right to get a look at my surroundings and realized I was in a room filled with the dead and dying. The atmosphere in the room was a gray fog that I could feel my skin breathing in and it seemed to me like everyone that I could see lying in their beds were already ghosts they just didn’t know it yet. I turned the other direction and I saw a little girl reading a book and other than the fact that she was glowing a golden hue much like a sun that didn’t burn your eyes out she was a normal looking little girl. I was about to say something but she preempted me by putting a finger to her lips and telling me to shush. I just shrugged my shoulders and closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t have to look at her again because it did freak me out just a little a lot.
I couldn’t sleep though and instead my mind for some reason was showing me thoughts that were as real as if I had my eyes open. The death corridor, which is what I just had thought of as…, was gone and I wasn’t lying in bed anymore. Instead I was in the desert except it wasn’t colored like any desert that I’ve ever seen in any magazine I’ve ever seen, not having ever seen a desert in real life before. The desert sand was grey like dust in an old house left many years untouched and unoccupied but it clearly still had the same texture that sand is commonly known for. There were these funny shrubs poking out of it here and there and as far as my eyes could see and that’s when I noticed I was running with a rifle pointed out in front of me. I spotted something not to far away. A cartoon tiger bouncing up and down on its tail with its arms thrown up in the air in celebration, I took aim at it and fired my rifle taking its head clean off. Most of it anyway.
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ToronAlexis reviewed Version 1 -
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This 135 word review has not been unlocked.
angelauddie2107 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very interesting, It was a little sketchy. But i take it your were in an accident or just on a strange trip (morphine). Personally i have never been on anything hard like that but your experiences and thoughts make me feel safe that i haven’t submitted myself to any torture like that. thanks for sharing your personal demons! it is a real eye opener!
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AnimusLight reviewed Version 1 -
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The story’s interesting, but I’m not sure where it’s leading. I’ll be happy to see the finished product. You ask not to say too much on the mechanics, but, to be quite honest, this is a VERY difficult read because of the sentence structure and grammar. The second sentence is super super awkward. ”We pulled into the tunnel dug into the mountain” <- there’s definitely a better way to word this. Even adding “THAT was dug…” would be preferential, though you can come up with something that has a better ring to it overall.
The last sentence of the second paragraph is similarly awkward. There’re sentences like this littered all over, and that brings down the readability quite a bit. It’s bizarre to navigate through the prose, so when you come up with a more finished piece, just remember to proof it before putting it up again.
Also, I’d like to get some information on how the narrator is feeling/processing after the doctor makes that statement. How long does it take to sink in? Does it ever sink in? That kind of emotion and rawness will make the reading experience much more pleasurable. Best of luck with the finished project.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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too many drinks Long Island Ice Teas s/b too many drinks, Long Island etc.
didn’t stop there instead— should have comma after there
it did freak me out just a little a lot. This may not be grammatically correct, but it’s a great sentence. Glad you used it.
I spotted something not to far away. A cartoon tiger bouncing up and down on its tail with its arms thrown up in the air in celebration, I took aim at it and fired my rifle taking its head clean off. Most of it anyway. —Since I’m assuming that this is a real experience, I’m going to take this as a real dream. If not, I wonder why you put it in, then again, I am familiar with the drugs they give you in the hospital and the dreams they can cause.
Very impressive writing. You took me through your experience and I saw it through your eyes. I notice that you did not put much feelings, ie pain, etc, but the images were vivid. This is very well written and I did enjoy it and can empathize.
Last word: you need to watch your commas, you tend to leave them out where they are needed.
dar205 reviewed Version 1 -
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It is an interesting story. My condolences for your friends. The narrative rambles far to much. This makes it difficult to follow. As you noted, it has no ending yet, which makes it hard to review. I have no idea where in the narrative you are. Is the dream the plateau, was it the angelic girl, or has it to occur still. You really should have completed the story, or if it is really long, brought this segment to conclusion while leaving the greater arc to carry the narrative to part two.
Dous reviewed Version 1 -
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it does look like an interesting story to me so far, guess i’ll just have to wait to hear the rest
Dayle reviewed Version 1 -
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I gave you a 4 for clarity because, as you mentioned in your note to reader, some of the story doesn’t flow as well as it should. Overall this is a well told story of what must have been a horrible event. Oh,and you should have punched that doctor! :p
thesnoopyone reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good account of what happened to you. You interpretted your version of reality based on the effects of morphine, i.e. tubes compared to a spider—something you hate. I hope you can continue to relate the whole experience in time. It is very clear, concise and well written.
GossipGirl2U reviewed Version 1 -
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Honestly it’s a very interesting story, and i’m not one to tell you what to fix, but i really like it. Excellent job.
AProphetForHope reviewed Version 1 -
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OK, first up – I think this might be more a memoir or a fiction (based on a true-story) piece. I think it’s probably best not to tie yourself to the non-fiction label as you should never let the truth get in the way of a good story, right?!
“take a toll on me” – take its toll?
“I instantly opened my eyes and! – root out those redundant words. Instantly has no impact here at all. Cut it.
“knew right away that something was awry” – this is a Tell. It’s a classic ambiguity within literature which requires further definition. Basically, HOW do you know there was something wrong. Give me examples first and let me work out that there’s something wrong – it has much more impact then.
“drinks Long Island” comma / semi-colon missing
“This wasn’t…” this sentence needs work. It’s overly long and unwieldy. It’s also somewhere you hadn’t fallen asleep – not fell asleep.
“Also, my eyes bobbed” remove also, keep the momentum… which is certainly building now!
“exactly but it looked about the shape of a cigarette” – remove the ambiguity. It was the shape of a cigarette (...even if it wasn’t. Again, don’t let the truth get in the way).
“mind remembered the spider, which as a species” – spiders are a creature not a species. There are over 600 species of spider in the UK.
“that was in my mouth and my body jerked” – cut these sentences up. ...mouth. My body jerked again. It helps up the pace and the suspense.
“It definitely, the jerking,” makes no sense.
“instead they opted to be going” – they didn’t opt to do anything. To opt is to choose. They just did.
“Little did I know that the answer was walking my way just as I was about to nod off again.” – not needed imo. But that is just an opinion. Leave it as a surprise. Im interested so you don’t need to try too hard at the moment.
“The man was little I knew but he seemed huge” – how did you know he was little?
“I don’t think I saw the fucker ever again.” – nice.
“surroundings and realized I was in a room filled with the dead and dying.” – Surroundings should be the end of your sentence. You don’t need realized at all. Just start the next sentence “I was in a room filled with…”. Just say what you see.
“out just a little a lot.” commas missing.
“The death corridor, which is what I just had thought of as…,” makes no sense.
OK. I’m interested and despite the many mechanical errors and sentences that make no sense I still want to read more. I know you said don’t pay too much attention to the mechanics but that’s like saying just tell me how the car drives and forget about the flat tyre for now. It’s impossible the faulty mechanics ruin your flow at the moment so it’s very difficult to asses how well you build suspense when it’s broken every other line. If you rework this and go through it with a fine toothed combed I’ll definitely reread it though!
Interesting start though – best of luck!
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