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Poetry / Ashes of Roses (Analysis)
Ashes of Roses
You are the moon in the distant heavens,
With your arc light that shines down on my petals,
In the darkest night.
I am the rose in the garden of your heart,
Your most perfect thought.
But what is an idea but a fleeting shadow
In the corridor of reflection.
Where time and space soon fades its conception.
A trickle of tears in a sea of pain
That’s what you are to me.
Your rose has withered and is dying.
Its petals are scorched and torn.
But you have forgotten about its thorns.
They hook, gouge, and cut the heart,
A gaping wound, streaking crimson.
I love you, but you have forsaken me.
A rose left, bruised in the grass.
Bleached by your moon glow, turned to ash.
Ashes of roses, no more than dust;
And you don’t see.
Perfume of the rose no longer sweet.
You have crushed its petals beneath
The heel of your confusion,
And turned its beauty into allegory or illusion.
Ashes of roses, as red as rust.
Scattered to the wind returned to dust.
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dragonshaker reviewed Version 5 -
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Simply awesome what reverence a majestic cultivated masterpiece written out of sadness and disappointment,in my poem lovers i too describe how nothing has so much power like the natural flower, growing it needs nurturing and constant love like the sunshine slowly it blossoms until one day all is lost and it dies so quickly and when it dies it’s gone for good,wonderful expressions of love here like the crimson rose cut like a heart bleeding and the one which has turned to ashes trampled underfoot.
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Liasonwithtragedy reviewed Version 5 -
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I like this poem, its very austere. I think you could compress it a bit more, some lines feel unneeded, but other than that…good job.
Deadsage reviewed Version 5 -
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I like this poem, the images are mostly very sharp and the content are dramatic.
My Notes:
“With arc light that shines down on my petals” -I took our “your” since the first line starts “you are”
“the corridor of reflection[,]” -most of your imagery in this piece is visually appealing and simple to understand, I don’t know what a “corridor of reflection” looks like, also this should end in a comma.
“time and space soon [fade] its conception” -being a physics nerd I’m aware that space and time are often considered the same thing, but Spacetime is a heavy concept for this poem. I would make them two things and make the grammar reflect that.
“But you have forgotten about its thorns.
They hook, gouge, and cut the heart,
A gaping wound, streaking crimson.” -I had trouble with this because you have previously had him as “the moon” so this image was hard to digest.
“[The] rose [is] left, bruised in the grass[,]” -edited to make it work with the next line to make a sentence.
“turned its beauty into allegory or illusion” -I tried, but I couldn’t understand how destroying “the rose” turned it’s beauty into either allegory or illusion.
Finally, I was confused why the rose is described as second hand when in the first stanza you are the rose. Shouldn’t it be “my thorns” “my beauty”? Based on the contents I would say you are not the rose, the rose is a symbol of your feelings, your heart, your love for the antagonist.
squarehopper reviewed Version 5 -
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As I already mentioned, this is one of your best poems to date. I am really glad you are doing verse poetry.
I understand the message, I can sense the feeling you are expressing.
Now here I am being a perfectionist:
But I need to feel, see, and know the message and feeling. And if you can make me taste, hear, and “smell” as well you would have achieved greatness.
Don’t get me wrong. I like this piece. It is good. I can see this in a magazine and reading it and reflecting on it.
But I demand more out of you because you also demand it.
The following words/phrases I ask for you to consider:
distant
down
darkest
of your heart
most perfect thought
idea
fleeting
shadow
reflection
time
space
conception
trickle of tears
sea of pain
That’s what you are to me
and is dying
you have forgotten
I love you
you have forsaken me
turned to ash
And you don’t see.
These are either
Overused
vague
Have no borders
have many meanings
unclear
fail to provide imagery.
I would ask you to use metaphors, imagery, and other poetic devices to convey your meaning with masterful purpose.
I would be happy to show you what I mean in detail via PM.
inbloom reviewed Version 5 -
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love the last tow lines in this, but must say I really enjoyed all of it.
the first verse is writen really well its all most as you readying to me.
very good
amers513 reviewed Version 5 -
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Overall the poem flows nicely from line to line and from stanza to stanza. I am having a bit of trouble with the imagery, which I think may by intentional since you are exploring a complicated/abstract idea, introduced wonderfully with “Your most perfect thought” and highlighted with “heel of confusion”.
The first stanza does a great job of setting up this abstraction with the rose, which exists both outside and inside the moon. The poem sets up a nice mirroring that is further developed by the first two lines of the second stanza. However, you lose me at “Where time and space soon fades its conception./ A trickle of tears in a sea of pain/ That’s what you are to me.” You seem to jump into the portion about the jilted lover too harshly, and do not retain the very interesting portion about thought. I think you are trying to say that the speaker, as a lover, was just reproduced in the eyes of her beloved to his liking (as a thought). When the beauty of the thought faded (the thorns came out), the rose was abandoned, shriveled, and died.
If so, I think you need to transition better. The imagery of the ever-reflecting corridor of fleeting shadows is great. Perhaps you can focus on the lack of substance or the darkness of the shadows? The image of the rose and its thorns seems too combative. The line “But you have forgotten about its thorns” makes it seem like the moon never knew there were thorns, but I think you mean that thorns were never imagined/never seen. In other words, the rose became more of a rose/more “real” than the moon could handle.
Although there are clear differences, your poem reminds me of Wilde’s short story “The Nightingale and the Rose.” Maybe you have read it?
Mrgreen reviewed Version 5 -
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i really enjoyed the imagery of this piece and the flow..it created a slow rhythm that gave me ample time to visualize your words.. i especially enjoyed the lines:
But you have forgotten about its thorns.
They hook, gouge, and cut the heart,
A gaping wound, streaking crimson
A rose left, bruised in the grass.
Bleached by your moon glow, turned to ash.
And turned its beauty into allegory or illusion
fizzgigger reviewed Version 5 -
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The contrast of light and dark is stunningly brilliant in the first stanza with “With your arc light that shines down on my petals,
In the darkest night.” It’s great how it continues throughout the poem, “a fleeting shadow
In the corridor of reflection.”
I do think that the line “A trickle of tears in a sea of pain
That’s what you are to me.” should come towards the end, it seems out of place with the wonderful descriptive images.
Platinum_Words reviewed Version 5 -
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Beautiful imagery, comparison of the idea to a shadow and the mind’s reflection to a corridor, the rose to yourself, the moon to the forsaken lover. My only suggestion is that you seem to begin showing how the forsaken lover’s heart suffers as well from loss of the love in verse 3, and then by the next 2 verses pain is left for the rose alone, as though the forsaken lover/moon only “forgot” her and moved on. Perhaps a final verse to reveal the forsaken lover’s pain, maybe through the moon’s absence as the sun rises and reigns, may strengthen the poem by bringing it to a more overall conclusion. Either way, lovely read.
jakuper reviewed Version 5 -
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Second line – “your arc light” – leave out “arc”, as it means light from arc lamp.
I think you don’t need comma after “petals”.
Second Paragraph second line should end with comma, as the next line is an explanation for it.
Third paragraph is confusing: you talk about yourself as his rose.
In the third line you suddenly use “But” though there is no negation to the lines above. And then you speak about thouse thorns (being yours) that cut heart. From this have I to understand they cut male’s heart? Because there is no continuation to this thought.
Could it be you meant your heart ihas a gaping wound? Because it’s not what is written.
I liked the poem very much- well picked words, very unusual vivid descriptions.
Jack.
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