Honestly, I said illegal twice, partly because I wanted to emphasize on what he was doing.
Young Adult / No
“No.” Her voice was as firm as steel. My heart was ice. It started with a cool splash of water as the words hit me. Then the water froze as the words struck home.
“O…Kay…” I stammered as I slunk into the dark shadows of the “Out of Order” bathroom that was my solace. I kicked open the door to the handicapped stall, revealing, among other things, my lawn chair. I ran my finger over the track-pad on my laptop as I walked passed it. I grabbed the lawn chair and pulled it over to the sunken desk that my illegal computer was sitting on. The illegal images slowly began to appear on the screen. Every single camera’s view appeared in front of me, minimized to a 2” by 3” view. I double tapped on the camera view in the cafeteria closest to her. The image widened to 7” by 8”, giving me an overhead view of the people sitting at the “cool” table.
“Control z…” I murmured as I pressed the keys. The mouse icon turned into a magnifying glass. I centered it on her face and tapped. The screen zoomed up until her face was plastered in pixels across the entire screen picked up the two tiny green earphones on my desk and stuffed them into my ear.
Her soft voice was distorted by the cheap school microphones. My glassed slid down my nose. I pushed the over-sized hand-me-down frames back on my face.
“Can you believe that dork Derek asked you out?” her friend Bethany asked as she flipped a blonde curl behind her ears. She was sitting close enough to her that I could see.
“Yeah, I know! I might just have to ask someone else out just to have an excuse!” she said. I sighed. Her dyed red hair was just too much. She took out a tiny mirror to look at herself while she smeared blood-red lipstick on her elegant lips.
I sighed and pressed the escape button. Her face minimized and her voice disappeared. I yanked the ear buds out of my ear and leaned back in the lawn chair.
“God, why can’t I do anything right?” I said angrily to myself as I cupped my face in my hands.
I yanked my idiotic glasses off my face and slammed them down on my desk. I stood up and walked over to the mini fridge that was running on stolen electricity. I opened the half-sized door, revealing rows upon rows of Red Bull. I pulled back the tiny thingy that no one really knows the name of and cranked the seal on my fragrant beverage. I threw back my head and held my nose with my free hand. I held the can of liquid above my head. Every drop of the liquid caffeine fell in my open mouth. When the can was empty, my body riveted with energy, and I threw the can into a small grew bin in the corner.
I turned back to my desk, particularly where my small Blackberry was pirating energy from the school.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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The only plot I was able to pick up on was a lonely girl spying on the cools kids. I’m not sure who told her No!...I had no idea who was talking. In away this is kind of like Gossip Girl…from the actual Gossip Girl POV. This was cool for what is and if you ever decide to expand it’ll work.
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necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great contrasting imagery in the first paragraph.
2nd paragraph – you’re using ‘illegal’ twice pretty close together. I’d change one.
the “double tapped” line reads a little akward – I think you could capitalize on what you’re zoning in on here with a semi-colon….ex: on the camera view in the cafeteria; the one closest to her. Setting it off shows that part of the line’s importance.
the 7X8 reference is distracting – I think saying the image widened, giving me… is enough.
plastered in pixels is a great visual
you’re combining sentences though in that line. should be…across the entire screen. I picked up ….
You don’t need “tiny” as a qualifier on the earphones – aren’t they all tiny?
my glasses slid, not my glassed
I think the details about the glasses are important – they show us his social class ranking…but it’s too much for one sentence. Maybe something like: I pushed the over-sized frames back on my face. For once, I’d love/like to have something new/or … something about wearing someone else’s trash…etc.
that dork, Derek,
you don’t have to say she was sitting close enough to her where you could see – obviously or you wouldn’t have told us what you saw.
I sighed should start a new paragraph.
elegant lips have been way overdone – pick a diff. adjective
I yanked the earbuds out and leaned….we know they’re in your ear!
still dislike the thingy line – but I know you like it :)
love the “cranked” – gives a nice audio quality to the description.
Ummmmmm why is he holding his nose when he drinks Red Bull?
Reword when the can was empty sentence – (you can tell it’s akward by removing the appositive – it would read like this without it….When the can was empty and I threw the can into a small grew (??) bin in the corner. It’s a fragment. I think it’s the “and” you need to ditch. Also replace grew with trash or whatever it’s supposed to be.
You need to finish this chapter/story. Right now it fizzles at the end instead of concluding and/or holding us rivoted for the next chapter. I know you ran out of time in the free-write but come on! That was a while ago – :)
I llike this one – there aren’t a lot of “creepy” YA books – it’s not an oversaturated market like vamp or perfect love stories are right now.
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