Thanks. Trouble with putting it in a gaming book is that the reader would be expecting the end twist.
Flash Fiction / The Machines
My eyes strain under the purposefully dim flickering halogen light strips as I follow the dank dungeon tunnel. My wrist is beginning to hurt as I point this oversized gun into the corridor. I pick this model every time: It can kill anything I point it at.
But if I were to die right now, it wouldn’t matter.
Through the dull drone of a generator somewhere inside the complex, another distant machine hums. I’m listening.
At least the power’s still on. The company has a habit of cutting it without warning, and always at the wrong moment.
The ‘bot emerges fast, its tracks driving toward me. I aim for the engine, trigger depressed, as its side mounted arsenal returns fire. My pulse quickens, noticeably forcing itself under the skin on my trigger finger. The machine’s radar and camera explode, but not even the protective metal body suit I found- tailored to fit, typically- can deflect the bombardment of enemy bullets. I keep firing. I don’t even feel the heat: just adrenaline- almost anger, pumping through me like a hard drug to which I am addicted. My reinforced visor eventually cracks, distorting my vision. The synapses fire wildly around the orbitofrontal cortex of my brain, causing me to crave destruction, as the nozzle of the gun blazes with equal ferocity.
The bot lies on its side now, blackened by the rounds from my gun. I edge past it, avoiding the massive barrels still spraying fire into the tunnel, chipping the concrete floor.
Emerging to a battered, scorched landscape, I realise the acid rain will rust my armour, slowing me, if refuge isn’t found soon.
I have never seen this part of the land before. I can hear the low hum of the rescue ship’s engine, ready to lift me. The ground should tremble with the base, but it doesn’t…
I look up, excited- the angular, grey ship, also new to me, is immense. The end, for the moment at least, is near.
Bullets whip into the ground around me. I spin to the tunnel entrance as another bot fires off rounds, damaging my metal exoskeleton. Through cracked glass I see my own ammo rip into this pig-sized tank, making it squeal as the hardware short-circuits. Its engine erupts in a ball of fire as pride swells in my throat. I don’t smell the burning fuel, or feel the heat from the blast- I only feel the urge to keep my finger on the trigger. In a matter of seconds I will be safe-
The screen goes black, and my lamp turns off. Across the street a house alarm rings.
“Fuck!”
I throw the remote on the carpet as the monitor emits a diminishing crackle of static. Another power cut. I didn’t even save the game. I want to kill something.
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runswithalpacas reviewed Version 3 -
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This made me giggle at the end, I didn’t see it coming. I liked it: it kept me engaged and I felt as if I could have been there in place of the narrator.
You use [ – ] too much for my taste.
“I don’t even feel the heat: just adrenaline- almost anger, pumping through me like a hard drug to which I am addicted.”
I’d change this, putting the colon after adrenaline and cutting out the “almost” altogether.
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pigpen reviewed Version 3 -
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You capture the first-person shooter experience excellently, with the environmental awareness (acid rain/armor effect) and I particularly liked the “new to me” bits. Enjoyed the ending, the switch to the real world was unexpected, and its funny that the killing feeling from the game persists after it’s cut off….but I empathize, been there once or twice.
hypatia reviewed Version 3 -
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Well done, this is a really neat piece of flash fiction. I especially enjoyed the twist at the end. The use of present tense works well to create a sense of immediacy. Perhaps burglar or fire alarm instead of house. I did not notice any UK spelling mistakes. Also the over long sentence structure speeds up the pace and forces a feeling of adrenaline. The use of jargon words fits and does not slow down the narrative. It’s all good. Thanks for sharing.
Drac1026 reviewed Version 3 -
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I thought this was an actual war scene until the end. Invokes realistic emotions under fire. I like the mention of “drugs” in this story. Good story.
Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 3 -
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I loved this! I started reading it and it never occurred to me that it was anything but what it initially seemed to be – even with the power cutting clue in the beginning.
Only a couple of changes – otherwise, I’d leave this piece as it is.
“its tracks driving” is almost too much detail and read awkwardly for me. Maybe instead eliminate that portion, and just say that it was coming directly at the character.
Maybe change, “as the nozzle of the gun blazes with equal ferocity.” to “the nozzle of my gun blazing with equal ferocity.”, which reads more succinctly.
Overall, a very good piece. Thank you!
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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Please make transition smoother after the gun chips the concrete floor,( great vivid, realistic description, i might add)
Now you tell us about the landscape. Can you say something like, i am outside the cave and realize…?
Great, great, great, piece. My son said that very thing the other day while playing a game. Very well written, good suspense. Good descriptions of the machine gun and the bot. You might publish this in a gaming book. I would try. You kept the reader going and i had no clue it was a game. I enjoyed it. Great job, a 10 Sandi
jakuper reviewed Version 3 -
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“I pick this model every time: It can kill anything ” – you are revealing here, so write “I love this model: it can …” The word “pick” especially with “every time” makes you think if it’s regular story.
“But if I were to die right now, it wouldn’t matter.” – I didn’t understand to what this sentence is connected. Maybe leave it out.
You wrot abiout power being on – it’s really good – it doesn’t discovers anything that it’s a game, yet brings suspence into the story.
“metal body suit I found-” -leave out “I found” because it reveals. Without it you don’t loose anything.
“ground should tremble with the base” – what do you mean “with the base”?
It’s a great story – you get 10 from me.
dcyuelling reviewed Version 2 -
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This was brilliant. When I first read it, I was thinking that it was a video game someone was playing. The descriptions are amazing. ‘Bullets whip into the ground around me.’ ‘battered, scorched landscape, where acid rain will rust my armour.’
I like it because it’s quick action, one thought after another. For a flash fiction it doesn’t appear to be missing any details. I can envision your game character going through the event of getting out. The blasts from his weapons. I’ve played these games before.
The ending was good, short and sweet. Getting ticked off because you didn’t save the game before saving it. When the power cuts out in the middle of a destruction mode of your video game.
clb_clark reviewed Version 2 -
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I thought this was really cool.
Only one mistake I could see. “But if I die right now, it wouldn’t matter.” This doesn’t sound right to me.
I think it should either be ”...if I died right now, it wouldn’t…” or ”...if I die right now, it won’t matter.”
I liked the twist at the end. I didn’t see it coming. Something similar actually happened to me once. Lol.
Definitely goin in my favs.
SheldonC reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s funny—I was reading this and trying to think of a way to gently say that the piece sounded like a description of a video game. So, that was done well. The storyline is a little weak though – person plays video game and winds up craving destruction (or at least that’s how I read it). I’m not sure how this could be beefed up.
Also a couple of minor points:
First paragraph – I don’t think that “dim” lights would sear eyes.
“Adrenaline pumping through me like cocaine.”- seems a bit redundant.
“Pig sized tank making it squeal.” Is this a small tank? If so, tanks don’t make squealing sounds when they’re hit so perhaps revise.
Also, the very last line is a bit awkward. I get what you’re trying to say, but I think it could be rewritten to read a little smoother.
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