Red gave an accounting of herself back in chapter Ii I think Her name is Donna. I do explain more about Ruth in chapter 5, and Red shows up with quite a surprise there too. I will consider more on explaining more about Ruth in this chapter.
Novel Treatments / Chapter 4 The First Two Months (Analysis)
Chapter 4 The First Two Months
Trying to remember the sequence of meetings and dates the first few months after we met is impossible. I have a lot of fragments, but I’m not sure, in most cases, of their order. I know that after our meeting at the mixer I didn’t see Red until Saturday. I briefly met and talked to Sandy on campus, but that was all. On Saturday Jeff, Bob, and I went to the laundromat a couple blocks from the dorm. We hadn’t been there very long when Red and Sandy walked in. She smiled when she saw me, and I’d guess Cupid pumped another dart into me. Still, I didn’t feel it, though that smile made me feel good. (I think Sandy and Jeff had arranged to meet there.) Anyhow, we chatted for an hour and a half while we did our laundries.
We discovered two things that were interesting. First, we each had someone else we were “going steady” with. I had Ruth and she had a boyfriend named Jack. Second, we both had a class early three days a week but with a whole period before the next class. We agreed to meet for breakfast on Monday. That, I guess, was our first date. September 26th for breakfast. We agreed to meet again Wednesday, and at that time I asked her to go with me to a fraternity dance Friday evening, and to the football game Saturday. I remember thinking at the time that this was safe, since she had a boyfriend, and I had Ruth. She said yes. We had a good time at the dance and at the game the next day. We also agreed to go to chapel together Sunday.
We met for breakfast twice the following week, and went to a show Friday. We met again at the laundromat, and again agreed to go to chapel Sunday. That Sunday was an Indian summer type of day, we decided to go on a walk with Jeff and Sandy that afternoon.
By this time I found myself daydreaming about that smile, and about freckles and dimples. I suspect Cupid was pumping arrows into me every time I was with Red, and every time I was thinking of her, which was more and more often. Anyway, the inevitable happened. We walked down a road south of campus for about a half mile, and then cut across a field to a patch of trees. We sat down under the trees and, after a few minutes, I noticed that Sandy and Jeff were gone. Red shifted so she was resting her head on her hand with her elbow on the ground. I did the same, facing her. We were maybe a foot apart. Neither of us said anything for a couple of minutes. I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into her midnight blue eyes. She smiled and rolled over onto her back. I shifted so that I was now above her and looking down into her eyes. She smiled again and closed her eyes. I had no chance. I remember thinking “I shouldn’t do this, but what the hell?” I kissed her. October 9, 1960. We had known one another nineteen days.
I intended a short sweet kiss, but that didn’t happen. She responded and the kiss lasted forever. I mean that almost literally. I can still call back the memory of that first kiss. Her lips were softer that those of any girl I’d ever kissed, and sweeter. (This is still true today.) She responded, and our arms went around each other. (Cupid hit me with a cannon right then, and this time I felt it.) In practical terms the kiss went on for a couple of minutes. When we finally came up for air she smiled at me.
I said, “You realize we are crossing a line here?” She nodded, and I kissed her again. I said, “We can probably still go back.” She nodded, and I kissed her again. I said. “I don’t think I want to go back.” She nodded, and I kissed her again. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was hooked.
Kissing Red was addictive. (It still is.) For the first week or so the kisses were just pure pleasure, not really sexual, just pleasure for both of us. In fact, there was a rather major interruption in our relationship the day after our first kiss
Monday I got a letter from Ruth saying she was planning to spend the next weekend at Valpo with me. Stay with me now. The only girl I’d ever said “I love you” to was coming to spend the weekend with me. However, I wasn’t sure any more that I did love her. Now here is where I made my first mistake. I should have told Ruth about Red and broken it off. To be completely truthful, I should have told Ruth about Red two weeks ago. I hadn’t. I didn’t know how.
I knew someone in one of the other women’s dorms, so I arranged for Ruth to stay there. I’d told Red about Ruth, and she seemed to be all right with her coming, but I think she expected me to break up with her during the weekend. That didn’t happen. Again, I plead guilty, I should have done it, but I didn’t know how. It was an awful thing to do to Ruth, and I knew it, but I just couldn’t tell her.
During the week before Ruth arrived, Red and I spent a lot of our free time together. We ended each day with ten or fifteen minutes of kissing. Then I would walk back to my dorm, about a quarter mile away, with my feet several inches above the ground. I’d fall asleep with visions of freckles, blue eyes, dimples, a smile, and the softest lips in the world. I’d wake up, and realize it was one day closer to the time Ruth would be here.
I already said I made a mistake in letting Ruth come at all. I made several more while she was there. I intended to tell her about Red, really I did, but for some reason I just couldn’t. At least three times I was right on the verge of telling her, but I backed away each time. I even compounded the error; since I’m sure I told Ruth at least once that I loved her. Oddly, I did, but also, I knew she wasn’t the girl I wanted to be with that weekend. I don’t recall the weekend, other than as a time when I showed myself how much of hypocrite I could be, or, to use an old fashioned word, how much of a cad.
Ruth arrived late Friday evening and left Sunday about noon. I spent Friday evening, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning with her. Ten minutes after she left I was on the phone to Red and ten minutes after that I was with her. We spent the rest of the day together, the last half hour in very intense kissing, kissing which moved a bit further than being just pleasure. When I got back to the dorm that night I had to take a cold shower. I couldn’t sleep. I knew I had to do something, but I really didn’t know what.
It took me a couple days to decide what to do. I knew I had to tell Ruth and break up with her. Every day I spent with Red made that more apparent. I just couldn’t do it in a letter, so I arranged to go back home the weekend of Halloween.
Oh, I should mention that I continued to write to Ruth every other day. Remember what I said about being a hypocrite. On the other hand, Red and I had not committed ourselves to each other, and she did go out with other guys a few times. I remember one weekend evening when I’d gone out with Bob and Jeff. We were walking back to the dorm when Sandy and a boy came past us. I said, "If Sandy is here Red must be someplace close.” At that moment she and another guy walked into sight. Red said “Hi.” and walked on. We never talked about it. That may have been a guy named Steve. He’s the only one I think she had more than one date with.
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I think here I’ll take the last first. Yes, I did go out a few times with Steve. I met him when Sandy and I went to a fraternity party the first Friday of class; it was a costume party where we had to dress like it was the 1920s. I borrowed a brown sweater from one girl and a brown skirt from another and a light brown knit cap from a third. The sweater was at least a size too small but I decided to wear it anyway. I knew that boys seldom complained about things like that.
I was right about the sweater. In the first hour we were at the party I danced with at least five different guys. Then Steve asked me to dance, and I didn’t dance with anyone else the rest of the evening. He was a senior and probably the best looking boy I’d ever met. He took me back to my dorm when it was time for me to go back. He had a car so he drove, even though it was only a couple of blocks. I almost let him kiss me goodnight, but I thought better of that and turned my head, so all he did was kiss my cheek. I did agree to go to a movie with him the following Saturday. I went after my afternoon football date with Joe. We had a good time, but Steve got a bit insistent about a goodnight kiss at the end of the evening and I had to push him away. I got out of the car, intending not to go out with him again. However, I went to a movie with him the weekend Ruth was there. He was a gentleman and he even apologized for our last date. I did let him kiss me goodnight that evening. Still, I was more interested in Joe, so I decided I wouldn’t go out with Steve any more.
Oh, and it was not Steve I was walking with the night I ran into Joe. I do not even remember who the boy was since that was the only night I went out with him.
I do remember one kiss that I did want. The morning after chapel, when Sandy and I went back to dress for our walk, I told her, “Joe is going to kiss me today.” He did, and he was good at it. I had to give him a little encouragement by closing my eyes, but otherwise things went as planned. Sandy and I had agreed she and Jeff would find some way to leave Joe and me alone at some time during our walk.
Joe paid me a complement when he wrote about kissing me. He is exaggerating a bit too. I enjoyed kissing him at least as much as he claims he enjoyed kissing me.
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decemberskye reviewed Version 2 -
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I know you said not to start here, but I couldn’t help it. I loved this.
This was soo realistic. Especially joe’s point of view. His conflict between ruth and red is something a lot of people, men and women, can relate to. He doesn’t love her anymore (or does he?) But he doesn’t want to hurt her either. Very realistic.
While he talked a lot about what was going on between he and his girlfirend, though, I wondered what was going on between red and her boyfriend that you mentioned. Maybe you explained in previous chapters. I’m definitely gonna go back and catch up.
I love that she was the best kisser (in his experience). That was very sweet.
I couldn’t help but wonder, didn’t joe feel anything when he saw her with that other guy? A little angry? Jealous? Upset that she walked by so nonchalantly? And what about red? What she nervous? Embarassed?
Again, I really liked this. I look forward to going back and reading from the beginning.
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oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Can you describe or elaborate on the Indian summer day? i think it would set the mood, i mean in the coloful trees so beautiful in death, and the air, etc.
“I suspect Cupid was pumping arrows into me every time..” a real good line but i would use it sparingly. I might even take it out here and use a different line, since you have already used it once.
“However, I wasn’t sure any more that I did love her.” This looks a little clunky. How about, i wasn’t sure if i was in love with her, anymore. You might question if you ever loved her, right?
Okay how do you think Ruth felt? What did she say? Where did she stay while up there with you? wasn’t she suspicious? You probably need to give the reader moe background on Ruth. What did she look like? what were her educational aspirations? Something attracted you to her. Red was special, i can see this but what made her more special than Ruth? What is Red’s real name. The reason i ask all these questions is because these people should live in your work. I want to see them and to like or hate them, okay?
A nice change a pace two authors writing one book. I am intrerested. I would like to see more of Reds voice and i would like you to be more descriptive. Red tells the reader why she liked Steve. Now you tell the reader more about Ruth, okay. I will keep up with this. I am interested. Good luck, Sandi
matthewtrent reviewed Version 2 -
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This needs work. Specifically sentence structure and a few typos. I cover most in my notes. That being said, this comes at me as a period piece. One from a far more innocent time. I’d like to read more of this story. I hope my thoughts help. Good job. And keep writing!
launderies should be laundry
strong narrative 5 paragraphs in.
a field to a patch of trees. We sat down under the trees and—this starting a theme of run on sentences which robs from the flow of the piece. I would reign in as much as possible.
The first few narrator interjections was acceptable but now a bit tedious with (It still is) in regard to kissing Red. If any of this information is necessary to forward the story, I would suggest reworking it into a reveal of some type rather than a haphazard “Oh and hey!” kinda device.
I like the shift in pov. I only wish the style would have changed with it. This might sound harsh (and truly not intended) but there is a lot of superflous information being brought out, or, worse yet, brought out, gone back to, and for what I assume to be emphasis on a greater conflict, gone back to again. I would seriously recommend reigning this in. It has altered the flow of the piece as well as become a distraction from the story. Example. You mention breaking up with a woman in four seperate incidences over two pages.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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“go on a walk” ”go for a walk” is more generally accepted—I’d change it
she expected me to break up with her during the weekend. (I did.) That didn’t happen. you’re contradicting yourself here. You say you brokeup with Ruth, then you say it didn’t happen and you go into an explanation as to why you couldn’t. You have to make this more clear
Leave out the “he’ll show up again” when you’re talking about Steve. It doesn’t add to the quality of your story—it’s poor writing
When you switched to Red’s voice, I was hoping or a bit more. The last sentence is a bit lame—kissing is a two-way street. This is a woman who seems more alive than Joe and more true to herself.
I’m interested in seeing what you do with this story. I have a feeling you could do more.
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