ooh thanx! this is exactly what i needed…there are somethings, because i know the story too well that i seem to ignore and thats where outside opinion comes handy…=) im glad you like this…=) its nice see 4 yrs of effort being commended…heh..=) cheers!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Arius- chapter three
Chapter 3- Crossed Paths.
Peace was all that was eminent as the quiet woodland slept under the blanket of the waking sun. Signs of morning were seen in the heralds of waking day- the blooming flowers waking to blow their scent into the air. The morning birds seemed to take on the chorus of a song as the leaves shifted slightly to the soft breeze filtering through. The serene voice of the wind picked up and the twirling melody raced through the tranquil morning,
“On the shore,
We sat side by side,
Blue skies and white waters
The kiss of the clouds and the tide,
On the shore,
We sat side by side,
The tide breaking at our feet
Whispering to us all we hide,
On the shore,
We sat side by side,
The sky painted in all the hue
That our love couldn’t confide...”
The song carried on, the wind rushing through to wake the world as the signs of the night wore out--- but then it stopped.
The awakening woodland sounds died away abruptly and the air hung motionless...the only sound now was the cackling of flames as it slowly licked the morning into despair.
A hooded figure stood at the head of the marching procession. The befouled air now swirled in thick layers about them as the mist fled to reveal what lay ahead- an army of Xy stretching out as far as the eye could see. Her voice rose from its usual whisper to a hypnotic command as she addressed them thus:
“Today- today we shall achieve what we have long been looking for: death of the Prophesized Four! Soon… by destroying all means of the prophecy coming to life we will take what is truly ours – the throne of Zera! Tonight you shall be avenged. Kill everyone, spare none, and use their bodies as you wish. Go now!”
*
The anxiety gnawed at him again but he ignored it. He knew something was to happen but he busied himself in his meditation. Eyes closed and body relaxed he tried to close his screaming mind. After several more futile tries he gave up and pulled out his sword to examine it closely.
He felt as though his weapon held a tale of its own. Made of an unusual workmanship, the very touch of the sword gave him the feeling of a strange and ethereal power; but he knew the swords potency only extended to its bearers ability to wield it. The desire to perfect what he had came back as he stared at the masterpiece in his hands. Its silver blade had deep blue stones embedded on it and gave way to merge with an intricately designed hilt. Tracing the strange inscription on his sword he relived the shock he felt when he saw Arya’s sword. It was of the same quaint craftsmanship and a similar aura of mysticism surrounded it.
Engrossed in the thoughts of the mystery before him, he failed to notice the approaching figure whose sword’s cool metal now rested on Ices neck. Ice felt the hairs on his hand stand and with unrealistic speed moved away from the attacker, sword ready and in hand.
His attacker lowered his sword and Ice examined the figure carefully. A tall male with rather broad shoulders and unkempt messy red hair hanging loose over his shoulders stared back at him with undisguised surprise.
“What is it that you want?” Ice demanded from the stranger feeling nostalgia sweep over him.
“There is a fire in the forest.” He replied simply, his voice deep and low.
“Why are you here?” he demanded.
“You are quite un-alert for one of the Ice civilization,” the male observed, leaving Ices question unanswered.
Ice narrowed his eyes.
“Stay on your guard,” he said drawing his sword back into its sheath. Ice felt cold terror sweep through him when he saw the weapon. “This forest is swarming with Xy and the fire is burning all in its path-”
Another voice interrupted- a female this time.
“Raven, are you-?” said the voice. Another figure came into view and stood surveying Ice in surprise.
Raven nodded at the new figure, “Wyra, meet-”
“Ice,” he replied simply.
“A pleasure,” replied Raven curtly, “I am Raven War and this is Wyra Woods,”
Ice nodded moodily at the two figures, his feeling of anxiety increasing.
“Where is the fire?” he asked Raven steadily ignoring his partner Wyra who was staring at Ice fixatedly.
“East.” Replied Raven.
“Arya,” Ice swore sheathing his sword and turning away to leave.
“Wait, where are you going?” demanded Raven.
Ice stared at him angrily for a moment and then decided he didn’t have the time for a fight.
“Arya Vulcan in is these woods,” he replied simply and walked away from the open-mouthed company. Looking back he saw that they were but a few paces away from him.
I don’t have time for this; he thought angrily and picked up his pace.
*
An arrow whizzed past Arya barely missing her by an inch. She felt the air around her vibrate as the arrow tore into the bark of the tree but a few inches behind her. Swearing she raised her sword, staring at a hoard of Xy blocking her path. They were but mere yards from where she stood. A cloaked figure stood at the lead exuding an air of menace.
“What do you want?” demanded Arya, her dread mounting. She could never manage these numbers on her own.
Just then two arrows brought down the Xy nearest to Arya. Ice appeared behind Arya with his bow pointed at Ariel, followed by two strangers.
“Can’t you watch your back?” Ice mouthed angrily. Hurt, Arya examined the newcomers from the corner of her eye but she turned as a hypnotic voice filled the air.
“I thank you master Ice for making my work easier. I can annihilate you together now.”
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somebill reviewed Version 2 -
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Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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“waking day… flowers waking” – recommend using a word other than “waking” in one of these places
“seemed to take on the chorus of a song” – awkward phrasing
“cackling of flames” – I like this word choice; it is unexpected, but it works. Some may read it as a misspelling of “crackling,” but I took it instead to mean the gleeful yet malicious laughter of the fire.
“Xy” – Sorry, but this makes me think of genetics, specifically the last pair of chromosomes in human DNA: “Oh, no! They’re… male_”
comma after ” body relaxed”
comma after “futile tries”
“swords potency” – “sword’s”
“bearers ability” – “bearer’s”
“blade had deep blue stones embedded on it” – Really? In the blade itself? That would make it rather difficult to use, y’know, since the stones would get caught on – or in – anything struck with that part of the blade.
comma before “he relived the shock”
“quaint craftsmanship” – What you’ve just described is not “quaint.”
“Ices neck” – “Ice’s”
comma after “from the stranger”
“in the forest.” He replied” – don’t capitalize “he”
“Ices” – “Ice’s”
“he said drawing his sword back into its sheath” – comma after “he” – It’s not called “drawing” unless the sword is being taken out of the sheath. Why not say “sheathing his sword” instead?
comma after “Xy”
comma after “he asked Raven”
comma after “Wyra”
“fixatedly” – I think you mean “fixedly”.
“East.” Replied Raven.” – ””East,” replied…”
“Ice swore sheathing” – comma after “swore”
comma after “Looking back”
“time for this; he thought” – comma, not semicolon
comma after “past Arya”
comma after “Swearing”
“but mere yards” – First, you don’t need both “but” and “mere” – they mean the same thing in this usage. Second, you’re using “but” as a synonym for “only” far too often in a short span of narration.
comma before “exuding”
comma after “corner of her eye”
“master Ice” – commas before and after – “Master” ought to be capitalized
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the way you started this chapter with beautiful descriptions. I like where the story’s going with these ‘Prophesized Four.’ This will make an interesting novel.
“The morning birds seemed to take on the chorus of a song” i think it would sound better as ‘the morning birds took on the chorus of a song’ because the other seems a little wordy. But that’s just my opinion.
“he asked Raven steadily ignoring his partner Wyra who was staring at Ice fixatedly” try, ‘he asked Raven, steadily ignorning his partner, who was staring fixatedly at Ice.
““East.” Replied Raven.” should be comma after ‘east’
There are other missing commas, but it’s not too much of a problem. I’m still getting drawn into the story. Keep up the good work!
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