lol glad you liked it! :-) Im not sure if you meant know what Im doing in the bedroom or know what Im doing with poetry, thank you either way lol.
Poetry / The less I hear you say
The sweat soaked sheets tangled through your thighs,
Of minutes passed and heavy sighs,
Your bosom heaves in exhertion,
I shake my head and zip up.
It's like the further in your mouth I am, the less I hear you say,
I shake my head and hope that you won't stay,
How long will this game continue,
of chess in bedroom stances.
My King mounts your Queen and rides her,
Reminscent of passionate lovers stirring,
Except there is no love, is there dear?
It up and left, as we both did.
I converge on your mouth, hoping to fill it,
Before I have to listen to another foolish comment,
I close my ears to anything you might say,
I really only pay attention to your moans anyway.
This union died but we didn't notice,
Except in monthly bedroom coitus,
There used to be love, laugh and cuddle,
But we ensured it's destruction on a nightly basis.
The arguments never really stopped did they dear?
But we made sure we were always close enough for this,
It's all you ever really seemed to appreciate,
And I was more than willing to give.
But it did nothing but destroy something pretty,
Which used to leave me feeling giddy,
But now I force back the vomit,
While we entangle ourselves in this moment.
It's like the further in your mouth I am, the less I hear you say,
Just get up, go, and walk away.
I stopped needing you long before yesterday.
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Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s always interesting to hear a fresh version of the death of love – and that’s what you’ve communicated here. My only real recommendation is the following:
“There used to be love, laugh and cuddle,” might be changed to “There used to be love, laughter and caresses,”. The word “cuddle” doesn’t flow right and the use of the word “laugh” is incorrect. I also feel that the word “caresses” adds to the overall rhyme scheme in that stanza.
Overall, a very good piece. Good work.
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Absynthe reviewed Version 2 -
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“Of” seems like the wrong word to begin the second line, but the rest of the stanza is great, especially the fourth line. I like the second half of the fifth stanza, and the idea behind it, but something doesn’t quite work in that last line.
I would try to shorten the first line of the second stanza – it feels a bit lengthy (the first half, not the second). <<< After finishing the poem, I take that back. Though I think maybe you want to emphasize this idea more and really go for it.
The imagery in this poem is excellent, my favorite is the chess, though I think you could go further with that metaphor as well. Chess is such an awesomely complex strategic game, and rather fitting for such a deep and largely internal struggle. Overall, a great poem. It’s very obvious that you know what you are doing.
jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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tangled through your thighs – through sounds wrong, like it’s there just for the sake of alliterations. I believe the picture you were trying to pant was something like “sheets entwined with your thighs”
2nd line – you don’t need “of”
Overall punctuation could be better. You end all the lines with a punctuation mark and a lot of those, especially commas, are not needed.
How long will this game continue,
of chess in bedroom stances. – this is too fragmented. You cold go with:
How long will it last
this game of bedroom chess—> also introduces end near-rhymes and reads nicer IMO.
Reminiscent of passionate lovers stirring, (typo: ReminIscent) – too long line. Reminiscent & passionate are 2 words with many syllables and so the rhythm stumbles in this stanza, because the other 3 lines are much shorter.
I really only – don’t need “really”, also improves rhythm
6th and 7th stanza are the only weak ones here, they are too much of your conclusions and too little of images, so they stands out from the rest of the poem (in a non-good way)
The last line is too vague for me. Also weird. If you stopped needing her “long before yesterday” how come you are with her today? I guess you still need the body, so there is a room here for clearing that up a bit.
The rhyme seems random (not a bad thing in my book) and I really enjoyed notice/coitus/basis.
Cheers, J.
collinfc reviewed Version 2 -
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“exhertion” should be “exertion”, “reminscent” should be “reminiscent”, and “it’s destruction” should be “its destruction”.
this is a sad poem.
Gazala reviewed Version 2 -
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The sweat soaked sheets tangled through your thighs>>>> tangled between your thighs would be more appropriate. sheets cant go through thighs can they? =) but thats an effective start up line- immediate attention is demanded. the first paragraph is almost picturesque, but the line ‘i shake my head and zip up’ brings you slap back into reality.
you’ve mis-spelt “exertion” as “exhertion” and i would omit the word “like” in next stanza.
“Except in monthly bedroom coitus,” why don’t you insert a hyphen here instead of a comma? it will give your poem some dramatic essence.
also pretty and giddy is lame rhyming if you get my drift, so you might want to work on that
BUT apart from all of that this poem is a bit of a masterpiece. you’ve nailed the feeling, the frustration, the absolute sickening feeling and you’ve also given your poem some kind of background. its not at all vague, very precise and very articulate. me likes!!!! =)
cheers!
Wigmo reviewed Version 2 -
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1. Nice work. You definitely get the feel of two people who were once passionate soul mates turned into writhing heaps of lust. I love how put the narrator as the one trying to shut the other lover up.
2. Some minor suggestions. ’Reminiscent’ of ‘how’ passionate lovers stir, flows better with line 9. Coitus is not a word, perhaps you meant ‘quotas’? During the 6th stanza you have no rhymes at all throwing your whole work off balance, try and work to tweak that a little bit.
3. Keep writing, I’d love to read some more.
tornwings reviewed Version 1 -
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Just wanted to tell you I really like how you put into words the fizzling out of a couple who stay together cause of the good… well, relations ;)
at least thats what I got out of it… and Ive been there myself!
“I converge on your mouth, hoping to fill it,
Before I have to listen to another stupid comment,
I close my ears to anything you might say,
I really only pay attention to your moans anyway.”
no girl wants to read that but it certainly was written wonderfully!! the only thing that struck me could be different is the use of the word “stupid” maybe something like… foolish?
tornwings
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