Poetry / The Ground He Watches (Analysis)
Thousands of miles away
he cuts into his flesh again
carving words like "hate" and "useless"
with the wine bottle opener
again and again
His blood bubbling and trickling
on the ground he watches
because in the mirror
all he sees is worthless
You're the root of his pain
The father he needed to keep his head straight
but back then
you were too busy drinking yourself away
Never sober enough
enough of the time
to see the damage
you've helped to create
One day I'll never forget
you got drunk and yelled a lot
it wasn't even noon
we took the bus to school
and in my heart I wish we could have stayed
to stop the events that followed that day
We we're pulled out of school early
and taken for a special counseling session
you had been thrown in jail
for what you did to Mom
I saw all the bruises on Mom's back and legs
and had to picture how you put them there
and I was only in fourth grade
You weren't in jail long enough
to learn anything
Things kind of got better
I remember the five of us
actually having good times together
but you never killed your habits or your temper
It wasn't until I was in eight grade
Mom got the courage to walk away
Sixteen years Mom suffered herself
under your fist
and booming temper
because she loved you
she described it as "the kind of love that could move mountains"
and she wanted her kids to know
and have their dad
We moved to California
and stayed with Mom's sister
New life to create
new world to understand
instable
more counseling sessions
My tears sunken in
numb
I had to become
because to weep
would make me weak
I knew Mom had to leave
she told me it was coming
I was older
and understood it better
I saw everything my little brothers couldn't
My brothers were young
they cried at those sessions
my lack of emotional show
made them think I was cold
and made them upset with me
They're older now
and understand better
I'm older now
and no day later
can make the damage you've done
weigh on me lighter
Will hates you
Ricky hates you
and yes
I hate you
But most of all
no matter what you've done wrong
we all love you too much
for our hearts to bear
and we mourn for the family life
we've lost
it's sick
None of us wanted to be another statistic
But here we are
trying to keep going and be strong
without any sense of stability
to guide or protect us
I love you Dad
but in my mind
you're the first man I've loved
and the first to break my heart
and against anything
that makes sense to me
I still want to make you proud
and Mom says
She still isn't over you.
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This is strong, intimate, passionate, sad and painful, and I think that was what you were going for. It’s a story that needed to be told, that needed to escape. The strength of feeling is there; my only suggestion is to tighten up the language to get the most impact, especially in the latter stanzas. It’s there that I felt the white-hot beam of light widen a bit, and I wanted it to stay put.
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Hi Vanessa
S1 – remove “again and again” -the act implies the habit. ”with [ a ] wine bottle opener” reads smoother, “the” makes it sound like the only wine opener in the world.
S2 – “because in the mirror – all he sees is worthless” the because creates an implied cause and effect relationship, but that relationship isn’t clear. Also, it’s redundant that he sees himself as worthless because of the words he chooses in S1.
S3 – here you shift focus from your brother to your father, and with a little tweaking this slant rhyming could add style points, but you don’t do it until now and the meter is confused, lines like “but back then” and “enough of the time” add nothing.
S4 – you’ve shifted from your brother to yourself now and are telling us what happened directly, this is an odd tonal change and the beginning of a new segment. The rhyming becomes more deliberate, but most of this verse is filler
“yelled a lot” this sounds vague “it wasn’t even noon” taking the bust to school would imply it was early morning. ”... that followed that day” two that’s sound weak and the 2nd use of “day” feels like you were squeezing your thoughts into a rhyme.
S5 – this is a solid piece of story telling with very little style points, just a direct recollection.
These next lines flop like a fish out of water, you could remove them completely and move on to “Sixteen years Mom suffered…” (removed “herself” intentionally) as the 6th stanza.
my edit: (just how I would reword for clarity)
“because she professed
“the kind of love that could move mountains”
and she wanted her kids
to have their dad”
include moving to california with the lines of “new life to create” I see no reason to make those words an island.
“instable” should be unstable
-sunken tears is clear enough, this feels contrived.
“numb
I had to become
because to weep
would make me weak”
“I knew Mom had to leave” -you are backpedalling now, you should merge this with the stanza about the therapy session and your emotional walling. take out the line “and made them upset with me” this direct telling doesn’t add to the poem.
“and no day later” -I don’t know what this means.
Some imagery or metaphors would be nice, something to prevent this from becoming a list of events which the last 3rd seems to have become. You have powerful emotional content here that many people can relate to, but you have written it as one would a journal, which leaves the reader without any sensory information.
The titale only seems to refer to the first few stanzas, I was hoping for something to bring it back into focus.
“we’ve lost
it’s sick” -these lines don’t have any useful content, you only mourn for something or someone you’ve lost, and the reader doesn’t need to be told it’s sick, if he has a conscience he already feels that.
Overall this is honest and painful stuff, It’s brave of you to expose so much. If this is just a character, you have accomplished something even greater, but my intuition tells me this is not fiction.
Might work better with a different format. I’m not sure it had to be a poem, but I can’t say I didn’t like it. I liked how honest it was. I liked the third person to first person (like seeing yourself outside of yourself), but I think this could be made more clear. Overall it’s a good piece, but I’m going back and forth on it as a poem. With the way it is, there’s not much poetics involved and I don’t see the line breaks adding to it or being necessary for most of it, but they do work in other places, so I think that’s what adds to my hesitancy.
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