4.
The funny thing about that dog is I didn't even know it was there until it started to smell. I can only imagine how long it had been there before I found it. I read that the sun could go out right now and no one would even realize it for another eight minutes. That's nothing; someone you love could die right now and you might not find out for a whole day, or longer. In the meantime, you'd probably just go about your life, washing dishes, folding laundry, watching TV, maybe even laughing or having sex. All the while they're dead and you don't even know it. Except that it's different for God, who's supposed to know everything but just lets people go on washing dishes.
The atheists get some sort of comfort in that when we die out bodies get absorded into the soil to help the plants or whatever. But that's the same dirt that's getting under our nails and in our mouths while we're alive. The same dirt that covers our fathers and grandfathers after a long day of work. Mother's everywhere are washing absorbed bone and fat and skin off their children's faces and hands after they come in from playing ball with friends who will one day have their bones and fat washed off someone else's face. I shudder at the cannibalism in the mud pies those mothers are letting their chidren make. When I finially die I hope someone has the decency to put my body in a cannon and fire it at the moon.
On the moon no one's ever been absorbed into the soil or ground water, and moonworms, unlike earthworms, have just rocks to eat instead of bodies.
I didn't even gag or anything when I found the dog. I sorta imagine the inside of certain geniues' and mental patient's heads smell the same way. The odor of unburdoning oneself of reality.
The night was warm and stagnant and the sweet and sickly scent of death floated around my legs like a dirty fog. Elsewhere in the world someone was probably killing someone else. You can read about it afterwards in the newspaper. Their souls are pouring out from knife wounds or bullet holes and floating around their killer's legs.
It was Veteran's Day and the city's fireworks overhead illuminated the poor dog turning the congelled blood different colors. To me the explosions sounded like God knocking on the sky asking to be let back in after mankind, frustrated for always being the last to know, had finialy locked Him out. I covered my ears.
5.
Sometimes, late at night, I see myself trying to keep you awake until campus security can get there after you emptied your bottle of anti-depressants. “Finally,” your note read simply, “these pills will actually do something for my depression.” And I had to shake you so hard it left bruises on your arms. I think maybe that whole night got burnt onto my retinas like those spots you see after staring at the sun. So now I can see it sometimes when I close my eyes. You probably don’t remember it too well but the worst part was when you told me I was hurting you and you didn’t mean the bruises or the shaking. The EMT felt sorry for me and kept telling me how I had saved your life like it was something to be proud of. What he didn’t know was that in my head I was praying for your ambulance to crash so you still might get what you wanted.
The pastor at the campus chapel said later that what you did was a sin, or attempted sin, and you would have been punished had you died. And I finally understood your answer when I asked if you believed in an afterlife and you replied that you were so sick of this one you just wanted to be dirt. Like me, God saw the entire thing as well, except he looked down on it like a greedy cat eyeing a fish bowl. The pastor said God sends those who have abortions, are gay, and those who just wanted be dirt straight to Hell. But what he meant to say was that God guards over all the unborn babies, but turns His infinitely large and powerful back on them when they have the audacity to be born.
Also the dogs too.
I think religion’s big goal should be making Earth as much like Heaven as possible so one day no one will be able to tell the difference between being alive and being dead. Instead, though, it seems to spend considerable time doing the exact opposite.
Jenny, that’s whose dog it was I found, asked me, right when things started getting bad, if I thought fear of dying was the reason so many people turned to religion. Jenny is an atheist. She told me so. I didn’t have an answer for her then, but I do now: I think people aren’t so scared of their own deaths but everyone else’s. All the people they love.
Later I asked her since she didn’t believe in God, did she believe in anything?
“I believe that I might be wrong,” she said.
After your parents let me see that you were okay and all, they made me leave. They didn’t want me around you anymore because they thought I was a bad influence or something. I looked over hoping you’d defend me but you were fast asleep, exhausted from having your stomach pumped, and I got to thinking maybe they were right. So I left.
Your older sister and I never really talked much but that night she came out into the waiting room and sat down next to me. “I should have seen this coming,” she said. “You know I had a dream last night that she died. She’s up there in line to meet God and get into Heaven and I’m watching her when suddenly I start thinking of all the bruises and cuts that get absorbed into our skin throughout our life. Soon it’s Lily’s turn and God, well He takes one look inside her and sees she’s so full of scars that it looks she has tree rings. God says, ‘I’m sorry I’m sorry. I never thought this would happen. I’m sorry.’ And lets her in. Then He looks inside the next person in line, sees the same thing and says it again. And then again, over and over until I woke up.”
Then she said this about God, “If He exists He’s doing a real good job of pretending He doesn’t.” Then she said this, “And if the Devil doesn’t exist someone is doing a good job pretending he does.”
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I’m not sure it is the same dirt. We would join that dirt eventually, but when we are alive, we are not dirt yet. Arguable.
“who will, one day, have”- commas maybe?
It would take a pretty big cannon for the ashes not to be sucked back in by the Earth’s gravitational pull…
“unburdening”- narrator is starting to sound suicidal. Is this intentional?
“congelled”- congealed? and which colours? The scenario of a dead dog illuminated by fireworks is a goldmine of description for a writer. Go for it!
Interesting, poignant image of God “locked out”.
Spellcheck- “finally”
You mention antidepressants, then use the word “depression” soon after. As they’re so closely related, I’d change one.
“The pastor said”- interesting topic, but I think you’re cramming too many ideas into one sentence. We have to backtrack to the verb “send”, to remind us what supposedly awaits them all.
“religion’s big goal-” I agree with most of that. Well put.
As with the last para, I was wondering if you’d seen The Usual Suspects. In it Kevin Spacey says, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” Is there some original source that has inspired both of you?
Overall, I actually enjoyed this read. If this is a first draft, there is definitely some spelling and punctuation that needs to be corrected.
All of your paragraphs should be indented, to allow the reader to know when a paragraph has ended, or being continued on the next line. In the second paragraph, there should be a comma after “plants” to allow a better flow to the sentence. “Mother’s everywhere,” should be just plain “Mothers.” Lol. I don’t want to grammatically correct your whole story, but just go through it to fix typos, OK? I would have enjoyed it much more if I didn’t have to mentally correct it as I read along.
Other than that, I truly enjoy the sentimentality of the piece. There is a true sense of the character’s frustration and curiosity that makes one want to get to know her/him better. If I had a chance, I’d read the whole novel!
In regards to your question about the paragraphs in Part IV, I’d say separate them, because they have a separate subject matter, and that kind of confused me, to be honest.
“Soon it’s Lily’s turn, and God…Well, He takes one look inside her, and sees she’s so full of scars that it looks like she has tree rings…”
DOES THIS HELP? It makes more sense to me grammatically, but I could be wrong. I’d love to know what you think of it.
This was a curious piece, firstly because of the religious propositions, arguments within, where an ambivalence seems to reign, and secondly because at times the narrator is addressing the reader, and at other times a character who has attempted suicide.
Your question re two paragraphs in 4: First thought is, the beginning of second para upsets joining. Would suggest: `Being Veteran’s Day…’
I gather from him putting his hands over his ears he doesn’t want to hear God knocking ? Is this what you meant? Perhaps it is he can’t bear to hear these entreaties by his God (rejected)? I would clarify, because where sentence is situated invites meaning/association.
`...you awake (until campus security can get there) after you emptied…’ – you could put a comma after `there’, but sentence was interrupted by this clause to me, and I wondered if it couldn’t be omitted.
`The atheists get some sort of comfort in that when we die (out) our bodies get (absorded) absorbed…’ – confused `we’ denotes he is atheist, but then why `The atheists…’ – the usual sanitized Christian view expressed. Will message you. There are numerous spelling errors in the piece. Don’t you have a spellchecker?
`...inside of certain geniues’....smell the same way.’ – say what? Is this related to next sentence, because `unburdening’ implies purposeful action – and you don’t set out to become a genius or a mental patient.
In 4 the narrator refers to `the dog’ and also addresses suicide person with use of `you’ – but later in 5 `...Jenny, that’s whose dog it was I found, asked me, right when things started getting bad,..’ –So is Jenny not the suicide attemptee, but someone else – because he knows the attemptee, wouldn’t he know her dog? And if not the attemptee then she is someone else having things starting to get bad. Also here narrator is now addressing the reader, not Jenny, if it is her – because she would know name of her dog. Need to be consistent – if you are delivering narrator ostensibly to suicide person, then maintain that illusion, and don’t address the reader. Otherwise if you want to address reader use `she’.
`...all the bruises and cuts that get absorbed into our skin…’ – understand that what you want from silime, but don’t think it works because of passage above. You have God looking inside and seeing cuts and bruises preserved internally, but this passage doesn’t say that – situation normal as wound healing goes. Need something to convey `through our skin, presented/preserved internally’ – maybe `absorbed into our being’.
`tree rings’ – usually associated with measuring age – not accumulated scars/hurt – `ring-barked’
Wish I could think of alternative And God looked inside to see enough scars for many lifetimes. Sorry.
Overall well written, and paced, the use of the dog as a sponsor for thoughts of death (without involving suicide victim) was a good idea (did wonder how dog died). And the narrative treatment discourse, remembered dialogue, and incident were all soundly presented. Good luck with this.
I hope you don’t mind that i didn’t check for grammer. I was actually very into your philosophy. I like philosophy when it’s done well, and this was written very well. I liked your analogy of dirt and how it comes back on our skin. I never thought of it like that. You are very wise and have created a very thoughtful piece. Thanks for sharing. Sandi
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