Haiku/Senryu / Allusion (Analysis)

A pretty haiku, very nice.  At first I was seeing a flitty sparrow being jostled in the wind.  Then I realized by flirtatious you must have come in close contact with a sparrow in your shed or garage, or some other unusual place, and found he was friendly and playful.  I don’t get the connection to the title, but no suggestions for changes.  Good job.

Solid, solid, solid. You’ve got things happening in the present tense, you’ve got natural elements with the sparrow, and you’ve got a sense of the passage of time with the message of winter. I can find no fault with this. Good job.

I really like this. For so few words, you create many different, great images and many interesting possible meanings. It really makes you think which I think is the point of such short writings. This is by far the best executed Haiku/Senryo I have yet seen on Urbis. Great work…keep it up!

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April 24, 2009

by onlywish

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1524	85.4% (412 votes)	76.6%

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38	F	United States	November 18

Thank you for your kind words, but could you tell me the meaning you got from the haiku. I like to know if I have written just enough for the reader to draw their own conclusion.

April 24, 2009

by Olive147

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65	76.4% (55 votes)	22.6%

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14	F	United States	October 11

this is what I first thought…which could be way off and may sound silly…fyi

Flirtatious sparrow: beautiful girl
Greener pastures: better relationship
Winter Storm: abusive husband

When I state it that bare it sounds kinda dumb and naive…but whatever

Or you could just look at it as literal which is still good and interesting

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Well I liked it, the imagery was nice. Except it was unrealistic.

Consider birds migrate, but also consider they stock up their food for the winter (well, sparrows do) eagles keep hunting.

Also, Sparrows have no use of “greener pastures” I get the imagery and the beauty of it. But it just needs to be a little more realistic. Unless that’s what you were going for with Allusion?

Grammar and spelling top notch.

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April 24, 2009

by onlywish

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1524	85.4% (412 votes)	76.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
38	F	United States	November 18

Thank you for a constructive review.
The sparrow as we are lead to believe would not go looking for “greener pastures” especially in a storm.
After all they are sweet delicate birds. Not able to fend for themselves. They need to be looked after.

Allusion. I would bet my paycheck on it.

I do appecate your suggestions which are valid.  I

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