Haiku/Senryu / The death hunt

Points for your syllable count, and for L2 which is the only one with any strength to it.

It’s an ok senryu, but I find the word choices are generally weak and lack emotion or depth.  ’Kitchen predator’ might be a better choice for L1 for example.  In L3 you could be more subtle with ‘Mouse oblivious’.

Keep writing!

I like it.  It was cute and funny.  It might have worked better with more descriptive details but it was still very good.

I like the imagery.  I get the picture of an uptight housewife with her hair pulled back in a bun looking scared to death over a simple mouse.  I like how you say “mouse about die” because it’s as if the woman is not going to stop till she kills it.  Goos haiku and very non-traditional.  Made me smile.

Good piece. I think another haiku should follow as to what happens next.

Cute! I like the second line, would probably change ‘hunts’ to ‘prowls’ or ‘stalks’ in the first, and the third could be tighter.

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April 23, 2009

by urbanrenewal

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
273	87.1% (155 votes)	13.6%

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23	M	Australia	September 02

How so? On the tighter comment?

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Again, this is a senryu – haikus are about nature.

syllable fillers “the”, “in”, “to”

+3 syllable to find words with which to strengthen your story.

Good luck.

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April 23, 2009

by urbanrenewal

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273	87.1% (155 votes)	13.6%

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23	M	Australia	September 02

A mouse…is…nature? lol. Thanks, good review!

April 23, 2009

by squarehopper

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1723	80.2% (718 votes)	37.6%

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45	M	Bolingbrook, IL	November 18

yes the mouse is but the human doesn’t count.

April 23, 2009

by urbanrenewal

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273	87.1% (155 votes)	13.6%

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23	M	Australia	September 02

Bugger.

April 24, 2009

by squarehopper

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1723	80.2% (718 votes)	37.6%

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45	M	Bolingbrook, IL	November 18

You can make this work as a haiku if you make the hunter a cat…

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You have a good start, but you tell us the whole story in three lines (not easy to do) not good in haiku. Let the reader find the meaning to your writing.
You Do Not need the word “tight” if you use “white knuckled hands” it tells the same thing.The latter tells us in more detail.

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April 22, 2009

by urbanrenewal

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
273	87.1% (155 votes)	13.6%

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23	M	Australia	September 02

Well I THINK that means I did okay for my first three tries :-P

Not good. Hm. I shall have to work on being more elusive.

April 22, 2009

by squarehopper

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1723	80.2% (718 votes)	37.6%

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45	M	Bolingbrook, IL	November 18

The idea of haiku/senryu is to cause one to meditate about the images the author presents… to connect with the moment – that why it is so short and rigid – it is meant to capture a moment only that causes a lifetime of reflection and learning.

April 24, 2009

by onlywish

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38	F	United States	November 18

squarehopper writes whats in my head. but never makes it to paper.

Thank you.

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