Almost all of my edits are trimming down rather than expanding. My tendency is to wordiness. But thanks for the read and the thoughtful review. I’m glad you liked the work.
Poetry / Sundown at Congress Street Bridge, Austin (version 3) (Analysis)
I move in this land
of sundown shadows,
concrete canyons, steel
peaks and asphalt plains.
This land of predation,
land of the hunt
where lower, slower beings
burrow into card-key dens
and wrought iron lairs
and herd together along
ancient tracks of bison
and followers of bison.
This land of changelings, rodent
wings, Bonsai kittens poured into
Spandex skins. This land of illusion,
mirage, chiroptera storms swarm
from the depth of caves and
imagination to tie me into the
ebb and flow of always,
forever and ever, where youth
deserts me, leaves me on the bridge
old, alone and small. This land where
transformation hangs me upside down,
clinging to galvanized hope,
folding transparent wings, waiting
for yet another sundown.
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halebop reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice job H.B.,I dig your work and can relate.Beginning works just fine.End of stanza is respectful to
indigenous,and creates depth.Descrip.& metaphor 2nd stanza draws me into the cave .”Where youth
deserts me…....small.”Is the crux of the piece for me.I under stand the upside down transformation,
I’m there in age or,very close these days.I’d like an expound on “galvanized hope”.Respectfully,H
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shadowedxrain reviewed Version 1 -
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This is excellent. The tone is smooth and controlled, and the editing performed (seeing as it’s the third draft) on it is evident, because it’s borderline masterful.
I really enjoy the informal structure of the poem, but it causes me to wonder if the two stanzas are purposeful. Have you considered forming a third stanza where “This land where…” starts? It may improve the flow.
dragonshaker reviewed Version 1 -
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A nicely penned poem if nothing else you descibe the splendours of a wonderful tranquil landscape though the repeat on the word bison could be avoided,there is no rhyme or rythum here which for me spoils the poem as it curtails the flow, i like my poems to have rhyme otherwise what is the point in writing them.
The misguided fools believe that we write poems to sound like a cheerful tune or song when really we want to entertain the audience, i think you have immense talent and you also show tremendous maturity which will take you to the top of your profession.
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay. I have mixed feelings about this. I think most of it is pretty good – original and interesting. However you fall deep into the realm of abstraction/cliche in the middle of the second stanza. It starts with “ebb and flow of always” “forever and ever”. This feels used, unoriginal, and cheesy.
I think you should stick to concrete images because you are swell at creating your own thoughts. Why borrow the words of others? Especially when the words are unimaginable, non-visceral, and imageless?
The same goes for words like hope, youth etc. I always avoid writing about the sun as well because it’s been done way too many times. It’s hard to write about the sun and still remain original.
LOVE the first stanza.
gting reviewed Version 1 -
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This was very good :)
You have a deep sense of rhythm and use it to your advantage. Your imagery is sharp and clear and almost sensual. There were a few lines in particular that I really enjoyed and I’m not sure why, but they moved me.
Often listing things is poems bothers me, but yours did not, I enjoyed where you were leading me with your language and am interested in knowing where this place is.
A really great job, thanks for sharing!
StarWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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That’s deep. It really made me think of something I read last year. A book called Roots. It made me think of the slavery and being caged up like that.
imvanessaclark reviewed Version 1 -
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“this land of changelings” ~ lol ~ and “Bonsai kittens” lol also. actually, i love this whole part “This land of changelings, rodent
wings, Bonsai kittens poured into
Spandex skins.” definately my fav. part of this poem, it made me smile. immediately i liked the flow of this poem and ur word choices. “I move in this land
of sundown shadows,
concrete canyons, steel
peaks and asphalt plains.” ~ very nice. “This land of predation,
land of the hunt” ~ seems like u could use one or the other here between land of the hunt and predation. after “and wrought” this stanza doesn’t seem to flow as well as it did in the beginning. and i did try reading it aloud, it still feels a lil awkwardly worded it to me. i think some of it could be reworded/condensed ~ like here “ancient tracks of bison
and followers of bison.” chiroptera? – makes sense after i looked up what it means. u can’t tell me that’s a common term. there’s absolutely nothing wrong with introducing readers to new words – esp. other writer’s. it’s always nice to get that vocab expanded – but because of it’s strageness it interrupted my reading of ur second stanza cause i had to stop and look it up. i’d just consider how necessary you think it is to use it. not saying it needs to be taken out, just reconsidered. i like the subject matter you chose. i think the end of the second stanza could flow a little better as well though. overall i liked reading this, because it’s not something i can say i’ve read a million times before. ur definately talented.
wizthom reviewed Version 1 -
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it would be better too break poem into a poetry format,
as it is easy on the eyes to read,
you use words but u fail to bring words to life,
reading can be boring if the write does not suck u inside.
over all u hold promise ,
with time,,peace wizthom
theJVN reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your word usage and imagerey. However, I think there can be more. Have you read T.S. Elliot’s The Wasteland? Who knows what it’s really about, but The Wasteland is almost a short story in poetic fashion. It can be read and re-read and seen in so many different points of view (which is probably due to its ambiguity). The topic itself has been done to death, really. Steel this, concrete that, rusted et cetera and so on. In and of itself, I think your poem begins and ends just fine. I’m not sure I would change anything if you want to leave it as is, but as I said, it could be so much more.
Autumn_Twilight reviewed Version 1 -
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Feels like an indepth look into the world. I like it, great job.
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