I agree with you concerning “seize.” I’m going to change it to “gain.”
Nobody has really liked “chaff.” It is supposed to imply “good-natured” ribbing, but it isn’t coming through. I am considering other words at this time.
e-notes.com? I will have to check that out. It may come in very useful!
Alas – no silver or ruby mines. I had originally wanted to include something about rubies, but couldn’t find a place for it within the story.
I could most definitely tone down the narrative portions of the story while maintaining the scarecrows dialogue. I wouldn’t try to match the beginning story too much (there were quite a few grammatical errors, and as I said it was a bit cheesy), but I could certainly make it a bit more light-hearted.
Your review was definitely helpful, and I thank you very much for taking the time! :)
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Humor/Satire / Contest Entry
The Scarecrow’s face looked as though it had been put through a thresher: “Now you know the real reason I have summoned you both here. This creature is known as an Eek-onomy.
“Perhaps you noticed the yellow hue of the bricks we traversed? Most people believe this road is made of gold, but it is not. Since seizing power over Oz, I have learned the bricks are fashioned from pyrite – or fool’s gold. Also, the emerald used to construct our famed Emerald City—“
“Let me guess,” interjected the Tin Man, chaffing the Scarecrow, “not really emerald?”
“You would be correct in your deduction,” confirmed the Scarecrow. “It is merely green-tinted glass, and is not nearly as valuable as once assessed. We might as well have built our city on a foundation of sodium chloride crystals.”
“Ha! The Salt City – just saying it makes my mouth rust,” stated the Tin Man, using his oil can to lubricate his mechanical mandible.
“B-but, what does this have to do with the monster standing before us?” asked the Lion, cowardice clawing at the fringe of his question.
The Scarecrow understood the Lion’s failing courage in facing the terrible Eek-onomy. “As you can see, the materials we have based our capital city on have depreciated. The nature of an Eek-onomy is to absorb any devalued assets within its environment. Ecologically speaking, this one is of the ‘federal’ variety, and it intends to liquidate our capital and assimilate it into its structure.
“However, I have been in touch with our beloved Dorothy of Kansas. She has reported there is a city in her realm by the name of Syracuse which would make an ideal settlement. If we could convince the authorities there to rename it the Emerald City, it would be money in the bank.”
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Good rewrite. Smoother and tighter, and keeps (most) of the highlights from V1.
‘chaffing’ > ‘teasing’ would work better IMO. I’m not made about two verbs ‘interjected’ and ‘chaffed’ being side by side, so I thought ‘cut in the Tin Man, teasing the scarecrow’ would be better. Just a thought.
‘stated’ > something more disgusted? Spat? Scoffed?
I see you’ve kept the stutter but lost the nice line after it. Aww.
‘ecologically’ > still going with? It bothers me less this time round, after having your explanation.
You’ll hate me for saying this, but the ending felt more abrupt this time. It seemed like there was more to come, it wasn’t quite as satisfying a resolution as in the last version.
A balance between V1 and V2 would be perfect for me. Parts of this version seem less playful. More in the comments.
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Alright – Here goes nothing. First the stuff I LOVE: monster’s name is brillant – spelling of it even more so. Your reference to the many elements of Syracuse is wonderfully spun out.
Things I question: From what I’ve seen of the original peice, it’s a lot more light hearted and happy go lucky – While I do love your ability to intricately weave details and subliminal messages – I wonder if that’s what they are really looking for? True – you don’t want to compromise your voice as an author, but in a contest like this, finishing someone’s story – shouldn’t you match tone and voice? Can you balance it – making the Scarecrow’s voice the intellectual one, but keeping the narrative itself more light hearted – example the use of mandible – too much for the actual narration?
I question the scarecrow “seizing power” – did he seize it? Or was it gladly given to him? Didn’t the OZ fly back? I don’t imagine that he took anything by force.
The Tin man now has a heart – would he “chaff” someone?
Also – I think it would be great if you could reference the actual “verbage” of WOO – maybe you did. Does Baum call the cities settlements? the rulers the authorities? I found the text on enotes.com – n case you don’t have it. They reference cities as “lands” – the land of the north, the land of the south, etc. Can you tie this in?
They don’t use realm when referring to America, they do use country – civilized country to be exact.
Is there any history of silver mining in your home town – the original shoes were silver, not ruby…and I wonder….I know I know, you’ve already got so much tied into such a short peice…
FYI- they never thought the road to be gold but they do believe the Emerald’s of Emerald City to be real.
Anyways – all in all – your grammar and form is perfect as usual. I love the story you’ve crafted, and I feel like it’s definitely a beautifully craftied satrical peice..most of my questioning comes from the satrical tone vs what they’ve created…
Hope I helped not confused.
First snag for me was the tense in the second paragraph. I think, ‘have noticed’ or simply ‘you noticed’ would be more pleasing to the ear.
The Tin Man’s interjection – does this follow on from a feeling of impatience around another myth being shattered (i.e. like that of the bricks)? I thought his sarcastic interjection needed qualifying… as though he’d been listening for a while and had become impatient.
‘mechanical mandible’ > is witty and charming. I liked.
‘fringe… question’ > maybe lose the stuttering ‘b-but’ since you state here that his voice was cowardly. I would keep this nice phrase rather than simply showing his wussiness in the dialogue.
‘chafe’ > a word like ‘faze’ seemed more apropos
‘ecologically’ > you seem to be discussing assets in terms of finance here, or capital, so maybe economically speaking?
Funny punning ending. This is the first ever potential ending to a short story I haven’t read I’ve ever reviewed. And a fine one at that. The wit is mild and quaint, which is what you’re shooting for, I gather, and the detail impressively subtle.
Ignore what Jeb says about the evil squids invading from the planet Go Team Nipple. He’s a liar.
Good luck. Bomb the Baum.
Can i ask what you man by the scarecrows face looked as though it has been through a thresher? You cannot put corn in it such a machine. You put wheat in it, so what would the scarecrow’s face look like? Just something i thought you might want to know.
Eek-onomy is to absorb such devalued assets. Ecologically speaking, they are classified as consumers
Eek-onomy’s subjects are the consumers. If the monster’s name is Eek-onomy then it cannot be classified as “consumers”. Do you see what i am saying? Perhaps Eek-onomy can be described as an institution.
Perhaps i have misinterpreted something. The writing is clean, and the Environmental theme is humorous and creative. I like where the tin man lubricates his mechanical mandible. The ending is effective and clever. Good luck.
Fantastic adaptation, very entertaining.
“Now you realize…” – who is speaking, the Scarecrow?
“Eek-onomy.” – Very nice, I kind of want a description, not of the beast but of its gluttonous appetite.
“cubic zirconium” – The fools gold was good, it fit well. Cubic Zirconia is clear, not green like emerald. I also can’t help but be disappointed that you missed a reference to Jade (color) / jaded in relation to the “Eek-onomy” being destroyed by its own excess.
“using his oil can” – funny. Maybe a stingy application considering the beast before him?
“liquidate… its structure.” – Wouldn’t the beast consume everything, sully and devalue it to the point of not existing?
Last line doesn’t work well for me, but it would for your readers. ”we” would be golden. Why not “it,” the concept of this scheme?
A reference to the yellow lines down the road being painted with gold could be interesting. Is the beginning of the story (in your notes) setup for the reader? If not, the speaker in the beginning needs to be more clearly defined. Other than that, it stands on its own.
Good read.
You’re so cute. Oh, the story…
As long as the locals get the “green” allusion, it’s good. Otherwise I would suggest inserting a little more regarding environmental friendliness, just to clarify. But, I haven’t read the beginning of the story as written by said committee member, so may be speaking waaay out of turn.
Scarecrow is true to character; intelligent, thoughtful, uses big words. I would like to hear more love from the Tin Man – perhaps he could speak to greenness. He actually expresses more fear than the Lion did, if not in regard to the monster. The Lion seemed more curious until you told me about the cowardice. Besides, this is post-red-shoe-departure – Lion should be bravely willing and most anxious to dash the monster with great heaps of burning cash, eh? Last, in your notes you said Scarecrow invited Lion and Tin Man to a picnic, because he’s bored, but in the telling, he indicates he summoned them because of the Eek-ology… ?
::hugs:: Shiara
“Perhaps you had noticed - delete ‘had’.
we have just traversed – delete ‘have’ too.
Tin Man. “Not really - Tin Man, “not really
using his oil can to lubricate his mechanical mandible. – good humour here, but using is a weak verb – “dabbing some oil on the hinges of his mechanical mandible with an oil can.”
cowardice clawing at the fringe of his question. – I know what you’re going for here but it doesn’t quite make sense – why ‘fringes’ of his question? Why clawing (I get the lion thing, but how does cowardice claw?) Maybe go for something clearer like “fear making his voice quaver” or similar.
...its structure.”
“However…
- is this still the Scarecrow talking? If so, don’t close the speech marks at the end of the first paragraph.
This is a very complicated speech by the Scarecrow at the end. Is that intended? If you have some words to play with, I’d put some audience reactions to his words – looks of confusion, shrugs – maybe even some questions “What on Earth are you talking about?” and then end on the punchline.
Lots of in jokes in there which the locals will love. Good play on words and well linked to the story so far. Also linked to current affairs which should go down well. It needs some tidying up in places though and it seems very dialogue heavy at the moment with little idea of the scene or other characters’ reactions. I’ve just checked and you only have 300 words don’t you? Hmmm, tricky. I hate word limits for this very reason. I’d consider cutting down some of the Scarecrow’s lines and then adding more to describe the scene. He never was one for big speeches in the original film/book was he?
Good luck with this.
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