Considering the reversal of images I suggested in Couplet 5, I would also consider changing “aloft” to “along.” I enjoyed the metaphoric qualities of this poem. Nice work overall. :)
Poetry / Setting Sail (Analysis)
In an ancient width and breadth
I find again life and depth.
A long breath, then a sigh
breathe in again, two beings alive.
Whisper to me, drifting dream
of timeago, of fantasy.
Unfurl me far from home.
Sail my hopes to the orient, rome.
Waves of spirit and music entwined
sweep aloft my windy mind
to far off shores I cannot go
on landbound legs and anchored home.
Yet renewing and renewed
it's rythmic waves return me to you.
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Jeff0307 reviewed Version 2 -
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S4 and S7 break the rhythm that I enjoyed with this piece. I would suggest revising these two stanzas to follow the flow of the rest of the poem.
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Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 2 -
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Though I do like the breadth/depth/breath rhymes, “width” and “breadth” mean the same thing, rendering this first line redundant. One of those two words should be replaced, but since you have the aforementioned three words that rhyme, you should be able to do so without affecting your rhyme scheme.
Within suffocating depths,
I find life in your breath.
I breathe in and sigh,
two beings side by side.
C4 – “Rome” should be capitalized, but might I suggest something less specific? The rest of the poem is a bit ambiguous (which I like), so perhaps substitute “roam” for “Rome.”
Whisper, oh drifting dream,
of times gone by, of fantasy.
Unfurl me so far from home,
sailing to where my mind roams.
C5 – It is the wind that pushes the waves, not the waves that push the wind, so this line seems backwards. I would suggest deleting C7 since it merely echoes C5, and combining the two couplets into one.
C6 – I enjoyed the “landbound legs” and “anchored home” images, and feel that this is a much stronger sentiment to end the poem on than C7.
Rythmic waves beat entwined,
swept aloft by stormy minds.
To far off shores I cannot see,
for landbound legs anchor me.
These are merely suggestions, but I hope that they have been helpful. Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. :)
Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 2 -
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There is something here, but it still needs a bit of work. It captures a mood, and makes pretty competent use of a formal rhythm and a rhyming couplet scheme. However, that is also part of its trouble: it is always hard to avoid couplets sounding like doggerel, and while your theme of renewal mostly transcends that problem, the discipline you have given yourself sometimes means that the rhymes and flow are a little contorted.
I like the use of part-rhyme, though maybe a stanza like ‘Whisper to me, drifting dream/of timeago, of fantasy’ is quite far out from the rigour you seem to aspiring towards elsewhere. [As it happens, I like that line and its romantic musicality].
A couple of practicalities: the punctuation needs a good proof reader; ‘Rome’ needs capitalisation [in a poem this formal]; and ‘it’s’ should lose its apostrophe.
My advice would be to give it a tidy up [the poetic equivalent of a shower and a shave, maybe some light flossing], and then try reading it aloud to see if the meaning and rhythm flow. With a few adjustments, I would give it a higher rating on every count than I have so far: as I said, there is certainly something there.
lostthunder reviewed Version 2 -
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quick and clean. the use of imagery and words are indeed good. however, it doesnt seem to read smoothly in spots. whether its too many or not enough syllables, it doesnt quite roll. obviously its hard to get an exact match most of the time, but if only to get closer. anyway, it is as itself a nice image of thought and longing.
“to far off shores I cannot go
on landbound legs and anchored home”
i expecially enjoyed this one
good on ya
october19 reviewed Version 2 -
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Just the sound of this poem is beautiful. The words sweep one away as they talk of sweeping… I like the short stanzas and the bits of slant rhyme. Lovely overall.
AnnelyseRobin reviewed Version 2 -
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i think you have a good starting metaphor and idea here, but right now the images in your poem are not unique enough for me. i understand you are using stiff, formal language intentionally, but i think you could develop the specific imagery better. the poem feels too expected. for example, the word “unfurl” used in the context of a sail is commonplace; things generally being “entwined” (intertwined?) is overused; the phrase “far off shores” is cliche. i liked the phrase ‘landbound legs’ and ‘renewing and renewed’. perhaps you could develop the other images by adding more specific details like “the orient, rome”, and use sensory details to draw the reader in. stepping away from abstract concepts like “dream”, “fantasy”, “life” and “home” and giving more concrete details will help to both make your poem more interesting and more original.
AmyChait reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, your form is good, it is consistent. I personally don’t write rhyming poetry but this works for me. The last sentence is strong, but a little unclear and some parts in the punctuation/grammar throw me off.
“A long breath, then a sigh
breath in again, two beings alive.”
- use of breath in the second sentence is incorrect?
“A long breath, then a sigh,
breathe in again, two beings alive.”
- Below, I would replace a period with a comma, to make this thought more smooth and not as long as a pause
“Unfurl me far from home,
Sail my hopes to the orient, Rome.”
Stanza five is missing a period at the end of the second sentence, even though it it does not fit with the read, so maybe every stanza should not end with a period since your spacing them out?
I really like the phrase “landbound legs”
So, in the last stanza are you talking about your legs being renewed? This isn’t clear. You wish to sail away, yet you cannot leave with landbound legs, but yet your renewed and you still return?
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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Orient, that reminded me of China, yet you said Rome, is there a purpose/connection? I looked it up on Wiki: The Orient is a term which simply means the “east”. It originated in Western Asia to describe that part of the world. It is now used in English to describe Eastern Asia.
Maybe switch this around a little. OTHER than this, I had absolutely no qualms with your piece, it had incredibly beautiful flow, and you are an exceptionally talented writer, you didn’t rhyme every line and you didn’t force rhymes, in fact you rarely did rhyme, which is beautiful, and I love this kind of work. :-) Well done.
Favourites for you. Clarity and Word choice only received a 9 because of the Orient line, that concerned me only in the slightest. :-)
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