Thanks. What a sharp, thoughtful read and comments. I appreciate it.
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Poetry / Sundown at Congress Street Bridge, Austin (Analysis)
I move in this land
of sundown shadows,
concrete canyons, steel
peaks and asphalt plains.
This land where dogs feed dogs
that feed upon dogs and
lower, slower beings burrow
into card key dens and wrought
iron lairs and herd together
along the ancient track of bison
and followers of bison and all
that follows all that’s been
and all that is again.
This land of changelings, rodent
wings, Bonsai kittens poured into
spandex skins. This land of illusion,
mirage, chiroptera storms swarm
from the depth of caves and
imagination to tie me into the
ebb and the flow of always,
forever and ever, where youth
deserts me, leaves me on the bridge
old, alone and small. This land where
transformation hangs me upside down,
clinging to galvanized hope,
folding transparent wings, waiting
for yet another sundown.
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Crysa reviewed Version 1 -
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The ( ) are words that I’ve added or changed. I have also altered the structure and made some changes with punctuation. This is just how I heard it when I read it. I understand that the changes I’ve made may have changed the way the intention you’ve written comes across. Forgive me if I’ve slaughtered it.
I move in this land of sundown shadows,
concrete canyons, steel peaks and asphalt plains.
This land where dogs feed dogs
(who) feed upon dogs,
and lower, slower beings burrow
into card key dens and wrought iron lairs.
(They) herd together.
Along the ancient track of bison,
the followers of bison
and all that follows (is) all that’s been
and all that is (once) again.
This land of changelings, rodent wings,
Bonsai kittens poured into spandex skins.
This land of illusion, (this land of )mirage.
chiroptera storms swarm
from the depth of caves and imagination
to tie me into the ebb and the flow of always.
Forever and ever, where youth deserts,
leaving me on the (describe bridge) bridge
old, alone and (insignificant).
This land where transformation hangs me,
upside down, clinging to galvanized hope,
folding transparent wings,
waiting for yet another sundown.
- add/view comments (3)
AmyChait reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, good work. I love how you took the concept of the bridge, and successfully brought a strong perspective out of a bridge and your conclusion is brilliant.
“This land of changelings, rodent
wings, Bonsai kittens poured into
spandex skins.” -—- Awesome!
The only suggestion I have:
“along the ancient track of bison
and followers of bison and all
that follows all that’s been
and all that is again.
I like the repetition and flow, and made sense once I slowed down and re-read it a couple of times. The generalized “all” makes the description bland. You use such strong and specific descriptions in every other line, but here it seems the “all” could be replaced with a more specific thing your talking about so it’s clear on the first read. Maybe: “Along the ancient track of bison/ and the ancestors of bison and all that follows all that’s been and all that is again” But now, I think you cannot follow something that’s been when it comes to animals, so instead of follow, maybe “traces”—but I see the cycle that is occuring here under this bridge, so a clearer picture of evolution :) of all the things that have appeared under that bridge
Mrgreen reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel like the first two lines are captivating and set the tone. However you may have overused the word dogs here: “This land where dogs feed dogs
that feed upon dogs.” It would have worked better to me if you had refrained from using the last part (that feed upon dogs) and simply progressed into: ”and
lower, slower beings burrow into card key dens.” That’s powerful imagery and the fact that you have described office buildings as card key dens gives a bohemian view of the city you’re describing. All together, I would have to say this poem has a solid structure and a gritty tone to it. If you tweaked it just a little more, you may have a masterpiece on your hands. Keep writing..
Olive147 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really great. I love all the images you have created. Extremely creative. Amazing really. I wish I could think of a critique to give you, but i can’t! Awe inspiring work. that is coming from a mega amateur, so take it for what it’s worth. I truly, truly enjoyed it.
420BC reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice job. I like all the imagery, but it leaves me a little baffled. The piece was so abstract, the reader is left with nothing but a bunch of metaphor that makes little sense. I can’t say I don’t like it, I just don’t understand it.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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Very cool, lyrical, consistent and full of imagery. Nice emotional payoff.
“iron lairs …...and all that is again.” This part was fun because you got up on two wheels and almost left the track, but not quite, coming down just in the nick of time. I like risky.
“This land of illusion,...... alone and small.” Another really nice, extended ride and imagery.
Of particular note is your punctuation, in combination with the line breaks it really makes the reading effortless. All in all a nice poem. And for once, a title that gives the hint that ties it all together.
Thanks
Incognito reviewed Version 1 -
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I am a fan of this style of poetry. It’s depth for me is that I can interpret it in a way that pertains to me, even if perhaps you had a different meaning behind it. Technically, it’s pretty sound. It’s flow is very even, and I had no trouble staying with the poem all the way through, although interpreting it was slightly difficult if I didn’t just throw my own ideas into it as well. But yes, well done.
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