Poetry / Flux

“Creating with our being, Being what we create”

yeah!  I love it. Thats the best line I have read since i’ve signed up 3 days ago. And you know what.. Its annoying reading some of the reviews you got for this. One guy said.. “I didnt think it needed to be this long” what? thats the prob with some people. They dont understand that this is YOUR art. YOUR creation. It could be twice as long. Writing is what it is. An expression. Love this one. =)

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April 16, 2009

by Rareliquid

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41	66.7% (24 votes)	13.5%

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38	F	Caldwell, ID	August 23

Thank you so much. I have been staying away for about a week- let the hot air dissipate. LOL. Yeah, I know. I actually changed this a great deal and now I like it less- I will probably modify it more. Truth is, I love me, love my work and not looking to change. Don’t really know why I joined except I have loved reading others’ work. I hate to review, tho! Thank you for speaking the empowering truth; to many never will.

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Well I got the point pretty early on, so I’m not sure it needed to be this long, with repetition of similar metaphors.  Still, not bad, I like that you are in essence saying you can be one with another person without being codependent.

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April 07, 2009

by Rareliquid

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38	F	Caldwell, ID	August 23

Thank you.

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How about Expansion and Entanglement?...I like that.

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April 07, 2009

by Rareliquid

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38	F	Caldwell, ID	August 23

Hmmm. This piece is difficult. It will resolve itself in time. Thanks.

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It was very good. I loved the description of how everyone is different, but then again, we are all the same. It will really open some eyes to reality

being sufficiently abstract, i’m not sure what you’re really intending here.

in any case, there seems to be some wordage issues.

for example, “singular” means unique, and so “but not the same” doesn’t fit. Also, divinely entangled, has no meaning for me whatsoever. I’m adverse to adverbs in general.. because it feels like one is forcing an attribute onto something that does not necessarily work.

overall, the piece feels like a description of a chemical reaction. a big bang type of image, where universe undergoes big bang then collapses onto itself. the repetition of the phrase “we are one” reminds me of one poem by adrienne rich, “diving into the wreckage” or something like that—i think that poem might be a good reference for you in your quest to manage the imagery of convergence and divergence.

i think this poem can benefit from more imagery and less explanation. as a reader, i am forced to take your word and believe that these things really are expanding, entangling, even though you haven’t shown me anything for affirmation.

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April 06, 2009

by Rareliquid

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38	F	Caldwell, ID	August 23

Yes, this one is difficult. This is the second version and still I am not finished. Unusual for me. I also have to take into acount that there will be those who will never get this simply because they have not experienced it. There are somethings that must be experienced to even be identified. Sorry. I’ll work on it.

April 09, 2009

by joonthespoon

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27	M	LA, CA	November 01

there’s nothing to apologize for. it was a random review by the way. what is this “experience” that you’re referring to?

April 09, 2009

by joonthespoon

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27	M	LA, CA	November 01

there’s nothing to apologize for. it was a random review by the way. what is this “experience” that you’re referring to?

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I think the title “Mate” is interesting, although it does make an already “stiff”-feeling poem feel even less romantic. I love the lines “creating with our being, being what we create”-- definitely something I haven’t come across before, and it conveys an idea I’ve always had but have never really been able to phrase myself. Some of the punctuation was distracting—for example, the semicolon at the end of the first line put an awkward-feeling pause in, where I think a comma or a ”-” would have done. I didn’t understand what you were trying to convey with the line “ebb and flow.” Finally, I think the poem in general would have flowed better if you had only capitalized the beginnings of each “sentence”/phrase, as opposed to capitalizing the first letter of every line, as that made it more difficult to follow along and see where one phrase began and another ended. Perhaps that was intentional, though? I like the concept of one thing growing separately from another, and yet both being entirely interconnected.

first line is sublime,
don’t know about that ‘expansion thing’
‘quantum entanglement’; why not just ‘entanglement’, this would infer the quantum as well as the sexual and sound more polished to read, especially for those who don’t know of quantum physics.
Still not sure about the expansion and what that relates to, please elucidate, just for me.
Like the voice and style throughout, maybe just needs some clarification of meaning.
Cheers
Josh

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April 05, 2009

by Rareliquid

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38	F	Caldwell, ID	August 23

I see the quantum thing. I know- expansion. It was a problem for me but i is the exact thing. Our growing, changing, separating and merging- all is for the universal expansion. Help with the word please! LOL. I like the second occurrence and will not change it, but would love to replace the first with something other than growth- too much like a tumor. LOL.

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Good rhythm and flow to the piece, but the imagery is a bit choppy and difficult to maintain as you move in between the stanzas.  The emotional connection is strong and you have good focus throughout and you don’t lose the reader by interconnection various thoughts.

Good word usage without being too over-wrought with verbage and good usage of the singular-connecting entity, I assume here the ocean or waves on the beach.  Water and the movement of water is always a beautiful image as it signifies a cleansing or change in mentality or mood or even viewpoints throughout life.

Good work, would like to see more as you hone your craft.