Thank you for reading and the comments.
This was a partial and in a very rough draft form.
Some of the stuff you pointed out I already changed.
Thanks for pointing out my formal dialogue. I try to not do this, but I end up doing it anyway. Then I have to go back and change it.
The person in the first paragraph shows up again, but you didn’t get to see him because of it only being partial.
Again thanks. Much appreciated.
Horror / WIP - Chapter One - rough draft
CHAPTER 1
Isaac stood in the cramped kitchen when he heard the rattling of keys outside the front door. He glanced at the calendar, secured to the refrigerator by a Happy Bunny magnet, as the sound of a key turning in the lock reached his ears. His chest expanded as he inhaled the scent of the burnt wood and ash. He knew he found her.
Akali Grey pushed the door of her little one bedroom apartment and stomped inside all the way into the kitchen. She tossed her keys and purse on the tiled counter next to the sink when she noticed the window. A line formed between her eyes. Certain that she closed it this morning, she reached up and pulled it down.
Wonderful. Hope the city of Dallas enjoyed the free air conditioning.
Returning to the living room, she flopped down onto the worn, tan couch. Her head rotated from side to side as the tension of the day released.
“I have got to find another job.” She shuddered at the thought of the gray haired lady bitching at her because the eggs were undercooked. As if that was her fault and not the cooks. “God, I hate my job.”
With the toe of one foot, she pushed on the heel of her work shoe until it popped off, then she repeated the process, kicking off the other shoe. She spread out on the couch and relaxed every muscle in her body. It felt good to be home. Sweet home.
The scent of grease and dirty dishwater filled her nostrils, destined to follow her until she took a shower. Resigned, she pushed herself off the couch and shuffled toward the bathroom.
Bending over into the dingy, yellow tub, her fingers twisted the spigot all the way over until hot, steaming water poured freely from the faucet. Life seemed much better when a shower bordered on the horizon.
She left the water running and went into her bedroom to retrieve her favorite holey sweats and a t-shirt. The prospect of comfort and a good book only minutes away.
The sound of a preset ringtone filled the air. Deciding to ignore it, she continued on her present quest. It stopped, only to start up again a few seconds later. The persistent caller drove her from the bedroom into the kitchen.
“What now?” she said. A tired edge stroked her voice as she dug inside the mauve purse, pulling the cell phone free.
“Hello?” She didn’t bother to hide the irritation in her voice.
“Akali? What’s wrong?”
A smile pulled at the corners of her mouth when she heard the familiar voice. She imagined the worried look of her best friend, Rose.
“Oh, nothing. I was just about to take a shower.”
“Did you forget?”
“Forget? Forget what?”
She heard a deep sigh from the other end of the phone. “I honestly can’t believe that you forgot. You and I were suppose to go out tonight. To the Clear.”
Alkali’s eyes flickered to the calendar. A big red mark circled today’s date. In the center, capital letters yelled, “THE CLEAR.”
She sighed. “Is it Friday already?”
Rose’s laughter rose out of the earpiece like music. Akali smiled as she thought about how her friend tossed her head back when she laughed. Rose’s infectious laughter. “You promised that you would go with me.”
Akali pulled a strand of her strawberry blond hair under her nose and sniffed. Her nose curled in distaste. She started to object, “I know, but I’m tired. It was a long day at work.”
“You really need to find a better job, you know?” Rose said. Akali heard the frustration in her voice.
She couldn’t agree more. She nodded her head as if her friend could see her. “I don’t--”
Before she could finish Rose chimed in, “You are going and that is final. Get ready, I’m picking you up in an hour.”
“An hour? That isn’t enough time.” Akali shook her head in protest as if her friend could see her.
“Okay, an hour and a half, but that is it. You’re lucky I am being so generous.” She laughed as she hung up the phone, stopping Akali in mid-sentence of another excuse.
“Damn,” she said, perturbed. She flipped the phone shut and placed it on the counter with more force than necessary. She hated the night club scene.
She struggled with the thought of calling Rose back and cancelling, but she knew it would do absolutely no good. Her friend was bound and determined to force her to go out. Rose always complained about how she never does anything fun and exciting.
She stomped childishly into the bathroom and slammed the door. Her plans of sitting at home curled up with a book were ruined. Looking in the oval mirror that hung above the matching sink, she blinked her emerald eyes in disbelief. A haggard face stared back at her. She stuck her tongue out at the reflection and removed her clothes. At least, a hot shower could be enjoyed.
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RuffleBlanket reviewed Version 1 -
Read 33% of the Item
As the beginning of a rough draft, this shows potential. Was unfond of a few moments, however. When she speaks aloud it seems like a conversation forced for the sake of having somebody speak. Instead of having the thought be a thought, maybe she could mutter it to herself. Possibly throw in a bit more description. Not really creating a tense atmosphere yet. Linger with the Isaac character a little longer. Obviously he’s not supposed to be there.
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jameystegmaier reviewed Version 1 -
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Sorry for the low marks on horror, but so far I don’t see any horror elements in this piece. I see a talented writer setting the stage for something to happen, but no horror yet. I know there’s something going on from that first paragraph, but you don’t return to that in the ensuing pages. I would suggest not just dropping that, because by the time I had finished reading, I had already forgotten that there was someone else (a person? Demon? We don’t know) mentioned in the first paragraph.
I think the main thing you may need to work on is trusting the strength of your dialogue and not explaining yourself twice. For example, Akali answers the phone by saying, “What now?” That conveys a lot—she’s tired, she’s impatient, she probably doesn’t want to be hearing from the person on the other line. After those two simple words, you don’t have to explain to the reader that she has a tired edge to her voice. Later, she says “damn,” but you follow that with “perturbed.” That word isn’t needed. Later, she stomps into the bathroom, but you insert “childishly.” “Stomped” is a great choice of words because it’s an inherently childish action. But you don’t need the extra word of explanation, as it takes away from the genius of “stomped.”
There’s no problem with including that extra stuff in the first draft—it’s good to get it on paper to help yourself make sure that the dialogue matches your intended tone. But a quick revision could help you eliminate all that extra stuff.
Some small edits:
First sentence: “stood”—> “was standing”
Also, in dialogue, don’t say “you are” or “I am.” Use contractions every time in dialogue.
BlackOrchid918 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like Akali. Such a unique name and a personality that, for me at least, was very easy to identify with. You capture the mundane in a beautiful and believable way. The whole getting home from work routine. Thinking about how much your job sucks and kicking the shoes off is something I must have done about a million times in my own life. I thought the line, “Life seemed much better when a shower bordered on the horizon,” was very concrete and charming. It made me feel your character’s anticipation to wash the day away. I thought your first and second chapters were stronger than the third, but I enjoyed the dialogue between Akali and her friend. Also, I’m a little unsure as to where Isaac went. Is he hiding in the kitchen or did he jump out the window? I’d also like a little more suspense earlier in the story. Isaac’s in the first chapter and then by chapters 2 and 3, he’s forgotten. I’d like a little more about him, but perhaps that’s my own impatience and you have that planned for later chapters. In any case, I really enjoyed it! Nicely done. :-)
Jan_Glinton reviewed Version 1 -
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Mistakes:
cooks -> cook’s
The prospect… minutes away -> The prospect… was…minutes away
Good points: very clearly written with no waffle, with good descriptions of what Alkali is seeing and feeling. Love the names. Like the idea of “The Clear” – what is it? Hope it’s not just another nightclub or pub!
Suggestions for improvement: Apart from the first para, there’s no tension, nothing to suggest it is a horror story or urban legend. Perhaps you could add a prologue to “hook” the reader. This chapter is too generic and could be the beginning of any book.
Good luck! Cheers
treypeters reviewed Version 1 -
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with the toe of one foot--try rewording, sounds jumbled- with the pressure from my big toe,..
her favorite holey sweats and t-shirt—-if you express what type of sweats also express the t-shirt-size, logo, color etc
is there more? it was getting rather interested. The story line moved about well and it left me wanting more.
Try adding a little more details—how your friend looked, what color is the bathtub, how hot is the water, the more details the more your readers will be entriqued.
Good start!
MasterP reviewed Version 1 -
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The Happy Bunny Magnet totally distracted me for like 10 seconds. ...
Switching between perspectives--the guy perspective and her perspective--also threw me for a loop. Please, make much more of a distinction b/f switching… Such as using italics at the very first, or titling the chapter with “Found Her” (and then deleting the first paragraph).
The rest of the story flows fairly well, but where’s the conflict? Where’s the excitement? :(. Nothing interesting happens. There’s nothing that gets my attention except the first paragraph, which again should maybe be in italics or eliminated.
The dialogue is very good though :). The rest of the details didn’t distract. And nice verbs :). I get a good sense of what was happening.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked this but didnt even noticed the story had switched point of views. I had to go back to the start and read over. I hope you always open the intros with Isaac and then transition over to her living her everyday life. It’ll make it creppier when she begins to notice Isaac herself. I didnt spot any grammar errors and trust that you;ll go back and full us in on how Isaac discovered Akali and who he is. Nice formula
urbanrenewal reviewed Version 1 -
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First reveal. Don’t switch from a character to a different character with only one paragraph. It kind of leaves the reader sitting there going…Whaaaat just happened!? Hehe try and avoid that.
The scent of grease and dirty dishwater filled her nostrils, destined to follow her until she took a shower.
^^ Great line. Put it before the lady bitched at her, it’ll help hint at her job without actually saying anything.
Second reveal.
Your confused (Or I’m reading it wrong). She’s filling the tub with water, but your saying she’s going to have a shower. Which is it? Shower? Bath?
Third Reveal.
What the hell just happened? You left me very confused, she comes off as young, then there’s a haggard face that she seems to be in disbelief of (thus making us presume it’s not meant to be there) but she doesn’t recoil in horror, she just makes a comment on how a hot shower can be enjoyed. Whaaaat? lol. Help us out, define what’s occuring.
lightningeyes reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“rattling of keys” do keys rattle? I think they clink more than rattle.
“as the sound of a key turning in the lock” to make this more dynamic, try “the click of the key turning in the lock” instead of just saying “sound”
“Hope the city of Dallas enjoyed the free air conditioning” a forced line to show location. To make it flow more naturally, remove “the city of” and just say ‘Hope Dallas enjoyed…’ Still will sound forced, but less so.
“inhaled the scent of the burnt wood and ash.” is this supposed to be coming from her? is it a specific perfume, or something else?
“She shuddered…the cooks.” this might be more interesting to the reader if we got to see the whole scene and not a one-line synpsis.
“With the toe…kicking off the other shoe.” fluff. not necessary. You could say kick off her shoes, your reader will be able to fill in the blanks.
Isaac smelled burnt wood and ash, she smells grease and dishwater. your senses are confusing to the reader.
If she is in Dallas, in the heat (so warm that she is running AC) would a HOT shower appeal to her so much as a warm to cool shower?
The phone call plays out too much like a stereotypical horror scene. girl, home alone, prepping to shower when the phone rings! OH no!!! Wait, its just her best friend who will be there soon to pick her up…kinda cliche to me.
There was little spark in this piece to me. Punch it up a bit!
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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First, don’t worry about it being a rough draft. When I put stuff on here I know I’m looking to improve my work- so is everyone else. I just make my stories as good as I can personally get them before I put them up- then it’s down to other urbis members to point stuff out. As long as you follow that pattern, you’re on the right track.
First para jumps right into the action. Good.
“reached his ears”- I think this is a bit wordy- “as the key turned” might give us the same info. We know he can hear it.
“A line formed”- I don’t know what this means. Is it about which direction she’s looking in?
“Her head rotated”- I get the image, but it sounds as if it’s happening out of her control. “She moved her head” might signify it is something she is consciously doing.
The descriptions are good, but at the end of the first page the tension has diminished- the woman’s actions seem so ordinary. We need reminding that the man is hiding- even if she doesn’t suspect anything.
Remember that the reader knows more than the character- there is a man hiding in her house. We call this “omniscient narrative”. We need reminding of this a little bit- maybe after she puts the phone down and she is alone again. Make her wish she’d stayed on the phone when there’s a clunk or a creak, or whatever.
The fact that she’s having a bath is good- she’s going to be naked, hence more vulnerable and afraid. Just make sure it doesn’t become mundane- keep us conscious of the presence of the stranger.
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