Well, aren’t we just the amazing writer in comments. lol. What the heck though!
Poetry / Ugly Couch
The touch of firelight seemed to stroke your hair,
gentle fingers of flame playing through,
It only makes me want to reach out and do the same.
Your perfect lithe figure, spread across my ugly couch.
My breath catches, I falter and I long to feel you,
I inch closer to your position, my fingertips outstretched,
Your naked form quivers in delightful expectancy,
I look skyward and silently mouth thankyou.
I reach you, finally, an eternity since I moved to touch,
yet ten seconds the clock denies my in-love logic,
I sigh at the feel, of your skin like satin,
I fight the urge to hate the couches contrast.
I look into your eyes, but you won't meet my gaze,
you breathe heavily, as your bared breasts rise and fall,
and I remember that night, that one perfect moment,
I remember you alive.
The daydream ends, I sit staring at my ugly couch.
I hate it. I hate that your form no longer graces it.
My mind won't let me forget you,
ever since the sickness took you.
I sit and stare at my empty, ugly couch.
I hate it.
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necessary824 reviewed Version 1 -
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I started reading this and thought – what woman wouldn’t want a poem like this about them :)
Couple of notes: I think I’d do “thankyou” in italics – I love that there’s no space – it creates so much imagery – I know the “thankyou” – I’ve whispered it many of times.
feel, of your skin - no comma – keep the flow going
couches contrast. – couch’s contrast
I remember you alive. – wow – now I feel guilty for saying what woman won’t want a poem like this about them. I’m sure she’d much rather be alive.
Fantasy? or reality?
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Mikhail_S reviewed Version 1 -
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You are a heaver. You are a dreamer. You are a squeaky solstice baby from the Moon. Your love streams from trees so darkly ribboned with sorrow that the night backs into a corner, mewling.
This wench you long to feel, although a vague projection of your id, exists on a different plane. She is the piecunt acne halo sailing around the mud of your periphery.
Merrily she dances through the night and you long to catch her in your empty cup of lust and manipulate her into the Western dolldream you see in your mind’s eye.
But wenches are free, and for now, you must pine.
Well done. What a beautiful poem.
-M
PS. For hot wench action, call 0817 7171 IVAN
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a dirty trick creating a poem which draws the reader in with lust and humor and then thoroughly depresses them with death. That being said, you have done an excellent job of drawing me in, making me follow you along the way, and reflecting the shock of an unexpected and premature death.
My only complaints are in the tense changes and the rough transition.
“firelight seemed” – “It only makes me want” here you started in past tense and unexpectedly switched to present. Later you transition from the present tense daydream to the “I remember” memory, and then back to present tense sorrow with a hard clunk.
One small error—“the couchs contrast”
stefykg reviewed Version 1 -
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adding to my favorites =]
The title did attract me.
I love the imagery and all the adjectives you use. I do admire the way you played out each sentence as well. The very first line got me hooked, “The touch of firelight seemed to stroke your hair,” very, VERY beautifully done. I love every word, every sentence! Nothing seems misplaced or awkwardly placed. The flow fits perfect. I love how you end it with “i hate it” because it ends so short and so like blunt without description just “i hate it” after a long and detailed imagery of this girl. I love it. Very genius-ly done. I usually have a whole mouthful to say on how someone haven’t met their full potential in their writing but I have nothing to say to you in regards to that. I think it’s just simply perfect. =]
AmyChait reviewed Version 1 -
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The very first thing that attracted to review this poem was the title, love it! Moreover, your imagery is strong. The easiest thing for me to do is to critique by each stanza, so here ya go:
My version of the 1st stanza:
“Firelight seemed to stroke your hair
with gentle flames glimmering through,
I only wish to do the same,
as your perfect lithe figure spreads across
my ugly couch.”
Sentence 1 and 3 seemed too bulky with unnecessary words. I understand your metaphor with the firelight doing the playing, but the 2nd sentence was kind of awkward wording for me. The original last sentence, it was not a complete sentence..so I brought the 3rd and 4th sentence to flow together with a comma and left the “my ugly cough” as its own sentence because for me, dramatizes the humor/ironic title against something so beautiful. I did not leave any periods in the stanza until the last sentence because your next couple of stanzas did not either, so help keep the grammatical form consistent. AND love the phrase “lithe figure”
My version of the 2nd Stanza:
“My breath catches, I falter, and I long to feel you,
I inch closer to your position, with my fingertips outstretched,
Your naked form quivers in delightful expectancy,
I look skyward and silently mouth ‘thank you.’”
The first sentence I added a comma after “I falter” because I have the image of faltering little by little, so the comma just adds a little pause – as your winded longing to touch. I love the word choice “naked form” and “skyward” and if you actually say thank you, maybe put quote. If you think something, I put italics.
My version of the 3rd Stanza:
“I reach you, finally, since I moved to touch,
yet after ten seconds—the clock denies my in-love logic,
I sigh with contact, your skin is like satin,
and disregard the couch that contrasts.”
In the 1st sentence I removed eternity, because it seems cliche to me. The second sentence was awkward and running together, and I am not 100% with your meaning. Since this is an illusion, should you use the word logic? The phrase “at the feel” seemed awkward too, so I recommend “I sigh with contact” The last sentence brings in the irony again, which I love, but just recommended what I thought makes the phrasing a little more smooth.
My version of the 4th stanza:
“I look into your eyes, but you won’t meet my gaze,
you breathe heavily, as your bared breast rise and fall,
and I remember that night, that one irreplaceable moment,
I remember you alive.”
Not much change here, I like the word choice “gaze”. Breast does not need to be plural, because your including both there – if you used boob then you could make boobs plural. Not that I would want to use the word boobs haha, I love your delicate phrase “bared breast”. The one “perfect” moment seemed kind of cliche, so make this moment stronger, so I put irreplaceable.
My version of the 5th stanza:
“The illusion dwindles, bringing me back
to staring at this inanimate object,
with your graceful form nonexistent,
I am unable to forget your death ridden sickness,
and all that’s left, is me, loathing,
this ugly couch.”
I think daydream is too light, fantasy like for the grief that is happening here – so I put illusion, because your crazy in love, your seeing things. Then I choose a word like dwindle because your reality blurs back in to this couch….so then I put “inanimate object” instead of ugly couch because for me brings more hate. Your pissed and your just left with something lifeless. Plus, I think it is strong to only use your title at the end of the 1st and last stanza. I tied together your last few sentences because I think it was too broken up. and I put a comma, then the two sentences lingering because of the reality and bringing back the ugly couch with a sharp ending.
I know this is really long and love this poem. Like I said, strong images but think working with grammar/form/punctuation and changing phrases to compliment the great images you already have will perfect this poem. I like your storyline.
FINALWORD reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nicely written piece. The Imagery is excellent as well as the mood with you’re emotion that you’ve conveyed. Quite provocative but eventually very saddening. Well done.
Alexandriagis reviewed Version 1 -
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I REALLY love the first stanza. Very in tune, seems raw, but definitely in a good way. great. I have a clarity issue on the line
“yet ten seconds the clock denies my in-love logic”
I think that line could be more clear.. but other than that one line I’m really partial to it… Can you say, Favorites?...
It may be unique in the fact that you reveal that she is no longer living, but it plays on peoples emotions. Everyone can relate to loss, and that yearning for romance, beauty, and comfort.
LadyTShay reviewed Version 1 -
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I was lost at the beginning. I expected to read about a description of a really ugly couch and I thought it would be something funny. I really wanted to picture that couch in my head, but there was no description of the couch. It was really unexpected to read about a naked woman, I didn’t get the laugh I expected. Instead, it made me sad. What sickness did she die of? I think a different title would be better such as “Empty Couch”. It should be a title that warns of the impending gloom and since there is no description of the couch “Empty” might be a better word. Since there is little mention of the couch maybe it shouldn’t be in the title. You should compare the ugliness of the couch to the beauty of woman. I really want to know what’s so ugly about the couch. The only thing unclear about it would be the title.
Potatopirate reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a nice concept, I’m just not sure it works so well in practice as it does in theory.
There are very few things I can see that need altering grammatically. The first is: ’ look skyward and silently mouth thankyou’. I assume that as ‘thank you’ is spoken (well, mouthed) it would need some form of punctuation to distunguish it as spoken language. There is also a tendency with modern language to make ‘thank you’ one word – I notice it is here, I don’t know if that’s intentional or not.
Also, following the shift in the latter half of the poem, I am assuming that the first half is recounting a flashback/dream. Possibly this half would benefit from a slightly faster pace, which the free verse doesn’t have. This would introduce a sense of desperation to the ‘dream’ (I’m sure you have a better word to describe it), which when juxtaposed with the tranquility, I feel, would make it more poignant.
Thematically, I’m not sure about the couch and the woman being used as they are here. It is a good idea, highlighting the woman’s beauty through the ugliness of such a mundane object, so possibly if you used these devices in a slightly different way. To my way of thinking, if you turned both devices into symbols to reflect stages of the persona’s life – use the couch as a symbol for the more recent stage, where the woman has died, while the woman is a symbol for the stage of of life while she was still alive. If you were to compare these to each other, I think the loss would become more distinct and pronounced. For example, you give the line ‘of your skin like satin’. If you were to try ‘of your skin like satin, against the mud-brown linen’ (I have no idea what this couch is like, I’m just speculating!), you beautify the woman, while the ‘mud-brown’ and ‘linen’ give the more recent time a plain, boring feel to it.
I hope some of that gives you at least something to think about. I don’t like telling people how to do things; I’m not perfect and I feel as if I’m infringing on your work! But like I say, I hope it helps. Well done!
Unnaturalyeti reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, just to start with. I really liked this. It’s an obvious contrast between old beauty and new ugliness. But, it being obvious doesn’t make it any worse. I get a really strong understanding of the writer from this (Hence the 9 in clarity!). Love lost, and the bitterness and resentment felt from that.
I think what particularly grabbed me, was the line: “yet ten seconds the clock denies my in-love logic”. Just a great piece of writing, and provides all sorts of interpretations. Is time actually moving slower? Is it the writers daydream making it so? There is also the sense that time “denies” the writer what they want.
Really, really nice. I want more of your work!
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