Short Story / NO JOKE! Send Help.
I signed up for this free dating website. Purely for research mind you. In my about me section I wrote “I’m a good cook when I have the time, surf and ride my bike for exercise, and love a good game of scrabble.” All three pictures of me on the site were action shots. Andrew Caffey, on a water ski. Andrew Caffey, in sunglasses with the top down. Andrew Caffey, at the top of Macchu Pichu with a Peruvian sunset in the background. In my profile, I didn’t list my occupation.
I make most of my money from advertisements on my blog. The research was for an upcoming piece. Working title- Fishing With Dynamite: A Step by Step Walkthrough for Online Dating. I have stumbled into a modest but consistent readership. The article was a no-brainer considering the demographic I cater to. Cutenlexy25 was supposed to be the second date of five.
Her making initial contact was a central aspect of the article. Fishing, real fishing, is the act of putting yourself in the best possible position to obtain dinner. The “patiently waiting” piece of the metaphor was important. My books were all Willa Cather and Kate Chopin. The other sections of the profile were likewise peppered to give a strong and sensitive vibe. Cutenlexy45 winked at me from across the interweb.
Online winking, on this particular dating site, goes like this. If a party is interested – after searching through the profiles of people with specific ethnicities, weight, and height - he or she can click the wink button. An electronic wink shows up on the recipients homepage; they choose whether or not to reciprocate and/or respond. I reciprocated. “Call me Alexis,” she messaged next.
She had four pictures on her profile, and in each picture her hair was the dark side of mahogany. Her nose was studded like the Hindu wear. Under “favorite books” it said “I don’t read that much and even I know the Davinci Code sucked.” She was going to be great for the article. I could already tell she was going to give me something interesting.
Yes, it was cockeyed that she told me to wear a cowboy hat, bandana, and sunglasses. You do what you got to do.
How do you think I got there? I drove. How am I supposed to know that meant “by what manner of circumstance did I arrive at the coffee shop.” I don’t like where this interview is going. I had nothing to do with that business across the street. You know full well I’m not a suspect. I’d like to speak to a lawyer.
If you promise to get me out of here, with all of my possessions by four o’clock I’ll tell you. Okay then, I have your word... I met her through my flickr page. I took this super long exposure of a pumpkin as it rotted and disintegrated into mold. She made a few flattering comments about it. She asked me where I set the picture up I told her where my studio was, just off of Broad and Washington. She seemed really keyed up to meet. She lived like twenty blocks away, she said. She wanted some help picking out her pictures for a portfolio she was submitting for grad school applications.
The only reason I had that getup on was that her homepage had this riveting self potrait of the most beautiful dark haired girl I had ever seen. She had these eyes that I couldn’t tell if they were light brown or if the whole picture was set to the sepia filter. Same with her skin tone, it was shadow. She told me where to meet. That ridiculous hat – her idea. It was going to be some sort of social experiment flashmob thing. I thought the idea was kinda; it was going to be a commentary on cowboy culture and the Native American warchief, starving and displaced.
I put the add on craigslist. I was selling an autographed copy of Sandman #3. The Gaiman Sandman, not the Kirby one. I accidentally met Gaiman at a writer’s workshop I knew he’d be at. I had some of his books in my bag, which he was kind enough to sign. Autographs sell, right?
She wanted to know if I had issues #13, #18. I have the whole run, and I told her as much. She wanted to meet to buy seventy-some of the out of print monthlies. “I’d just have some of the comics out on the table at thre coffee shop,” I told her but she insisted I wear a cowboy hat so she would recognize me. She was paying right, I wasn’t going to haggle terms at the condition of price.
I had some bad ear infections as a kid. I hear about 10% in this ear and bupkiss in this one. Like, unless you’re as loud as a 929 D&D exhaust, I’m going to feel you coming up from behind way before I hear you. I work at The Lexington Machine Shop tooling parts for prototype fabrication. The shop floor, for me, sounds like being in Sea Isle City when I was four. My job is not contingent on other people being able to sign.
I met her in my guild. Started playing World of Warcraft a couple years ago. I have conversations with people, a shared hobby. The Stony Creek Guild goes on dungeon raids, sometimes forty or fifty of us at a clip. I’m the fourth ranking member, and #1 mage. I get to dole out a lot of heat. I throw all kinds of nukes, fireballs, flamethrowers. I coordinate a lot of the attacks. Nobody looks at me cockeyed when I say something with my hands.
She was a gnome priest, a healer. We would hang on the back line, lobbing our respective swaths of terror and tranquility. Watching the meat totems do the dirty work. After we destroyed Lady Vashj in Serpentshrine Cavern, we agreed to mend our gear and log off for the night. I was as apprehensive as the next guy when she asked me out. What are the odds that two people in the same guild were from the same city? I never told her I was deaf and she didn’t tell me about the police in S.W.A.T gear.
An odd job thing I picked off of Monster. Almost as good as overtime at 15 per. Can’t pass up Saturday work, you know. I didn’t ask what the job was, just what I should wear. Be prepared for sun, dust, and wind. You tell me how to dress for that. It was supposed to be a long day…I was getting a coffee. I thought these other guys were there for the job too.
October 19th – The Associated Press. In a heist already circling the part The Sting and part Sneakers, a Wachovia Regional Branch was robbed of over 55,000 dollars, in cash and travelers checks. The group who robbed the bank were all dressed identically, in full cowboy attire. “It was like being in Nuttal & Mann's Saloon in Deadwood, Dakota,” said one witness, “this is why I never use the drive up.” Amanda Pennyshire, age 8, said it was better than Disney. One lucky hostage won our twitter tipster jackpot, announcing the crime first hand as it happened. This is the transcript.
11:35 Heading to the bank. If its still in business lol. Holla at the blackberry.
11:48 NO JOKE. I’m at the Wachovia in the strip mall off Delaware and South. Men with guns. NOT A RICKROLL.
11:49 TAZERS ARE NO JOKE. Two security guards down. Children crying. Holstered pistols visible. Two each
11:50 for each of the three guys white guys tall like six two all of them cowboy hats jeans guns in gun-belts. Can’t see their faces. Bandanas.
11:50 Taking peoples phones… Gave them my backup. Still broadcasting. The real guns are out now. POLICE THERE ARE 20 HOSTAGES.
11:51 Gerry, if anything happens, my pw is the play I scored from thirty yards out in the game for states senior year. Carry my torch.
11:53 Gunmen just left. IF YOU ARE IN STARBUCKS GO OUT THE BACK NOW.
12:30 The cops are here. There must be 15 cowboy hats in the windows. What a shitshow. About to be questioned. What a shit show.
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I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed this piece. I never saw the switch in POV coming. I think you did a great job using distinguishing characters – but I’d like to see a little more difference in the way they talk. The narration is similar. A lot of short sentences. Would all of your characters speak in the same manner?
An exercise that really helps me with this is getting a firm grasp of that character’s background in my head – how they would speak – what they would say. Then I have someone else read the story aloud to me. Hearing it through someone else’s voice always helps me pick up on the little nuances that my characters would or would not say..things they would or would not do.
Overall, with a little bit of tweaking, this work is very publishable. Great read!
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I love the story line – it’s current, relevant, and clever. In your instructions you said you don’t want grammatical specifics, so let’s look at exposition and structure. The beginning POV is a definite hook, and it’s not until you get into subsequent scenes that the problems arise.
It took until page 5 to get what you were doing. The reason is simple. You’ve got different characters all using the same diction and sentence rhythms, so it was hard at first to understand. The narrative voice for each character is not succinct enough. On second reading it’s clear and fun, but that won’t get you published or high marks for structure. Some dialogue would help differentiate. One or two lines – nothing more.
Also, the ending might serve better if there was a wrap up by the original character. I know this solution is less edgy, but the emotional payoff for the reader will be better. Reader’s like to feel complete. The alternative is to build a piece of that final payoff into each scene, triggering with a completing phrase in the last 911 call. Either way, the ending is currently hanging out there in emotional space.
This story has tremendous potential. Once the structural issues are worked out, I could see it getting placed.
Great pace, good humor, excellent pay-off. I ignored the syntax and technical stuff per your reviewer’s notes.
I think this is publishable as is, although I do have one small nit-pick. You need to write this in more than one style. All of your points of view write in the same minimalist, short sentence, no-nonsense style. I don’t think that all these different folks would have the same tone, the same kind of voice.
Alternate with styles specific to each character. Maybe long boring sentences for the WoW character, dreamy confused and vague sentences for your pot enthusiast… I think you get the idea.
regardless I gave this a 9 out of 10.
I spent a good two thousand, twenty three hundred words wondering what plenty offish might mean.
10-19 looks to much like 11:48; in the final formatting, I’m sure there’s something you can do to keep that from being confusing.
Still not sure about what “The Sting” and “Sneakers” means.
Did anyone have to go out and buy the stuff to wear?
service-issued revolvers (Had to read that sentence three times to understand “service” went with “revolvers”)
This story is a riot. Totally unexpected.
“comics out on the table at thre coffee shop,” I told her but she insisted I wear”
Careful :-P
LMAO! Okay, seriously, it started off confusing as hell, seriously confusing, you’re going to need to do something about that, perhaps start each paragraph off with “Paul”, “Dean”, “Luke” etc. That might help.
But the end! The END was classic. Brilliant set up. Poor guys :-( I bet they didn’t say that one coming! Bar that little error at the start this was comedy gold, I actually laughed out loud when I realised what had happened to the buggers. Well done, seriously seriously well done!
I’m a fan!
I love Chopin and Cather
– “Online winking, on this particular dating site, goes like this: needs a colon because you are introducing something.
Under “favorite books” it said, you need a comma. You are introducing dialog.
it said , “It read”
and even I know the Davinci Code sucked. I believe you should say “but” instead of “and”.
“How do you think I got there? I drove. How am I supposed to know that..” Okay i am helplessly lost. Listen you must transition better. Who is he talking to? Where does he want to go with all his posessions?
I enjoyed this and you are a proficient writer but wouldn’t it have been stronger if you showed all this action instead of telling us about it? You might think about that suggestion. Please make your transitions clearer and make sure you use correct puncuation. Good luck, Sandi
this is very good indeed. i think the voice changes are obvious enough for the reader to no what’s going on.
Okay there were a few like spelling and grammar mistakes that seemed strange but maybe you just overlooked them.
I REALLY like this story. I love how all the gunmen answer the questioning and how the twitter part at the end clarifies everything. This could definitely be published because I think it’s very original. Great job!
I liked this, but I couldn’t figure out why you did this for research. And you kind of lost me at the part where times and dates started pouring in. I did like the ending however.
“What a shitshow. About to be questioned. What a shit show”
The story is really good, and interesting, and funny. I think it could be a little bit clearer though. Maybe organize it differently. Aside from that, I really enjoyed it.
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