Yep! Revising shall be taking place. Just not any time soon. My character Wink currently has all my attention.
Short Story / Silent Companion
23/03/2010
I was walking some distance behind a girl today, at least a block, she had a lithe figure, and her hips swayed suggestively at any who cared to look. I watched her in quiet contemplation, as one does when walking a long distance.
To her left I saw a group of three males, laughing loudly, I could hear them from where I was walking. I saw them point at her, and their laughter instantly died down as they huddled closer together. A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you're not sure what. I looked back to the girl, her step had increased, a faster, more worried walk.
I sped up too, the males crossed the street, directly adjacent to her, they jogged to catch up. I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley. I did the only thing I could think of, I ran.
I didn't expect to run towards them, I didn't think, I couldn't think. I rounded the corner to them tearing at her clothing, and I flung myself into the centre of them. I tore one off and threw him backwards, his head hit the concrete and he lay still, breathing.
I don't remember what happened next, the world seemed to go black. But when I awoke, the two men were lying on the ground, and the lady was in front of me crying. I walked off, I couldn't speak.
24/03/2010
I think we walk to the same train station, me and the girl, as she was in front of me again today, I placed myself about ten feet behind her, and walked, once she looked back, I saw a nervous smile, and she turned around and continued walking. I continued on and walked with her most of the way to the train station, when we were about fifty metres away, I let her get ahead and enter the station, I'm not sure why I didn't go in with her, it felt intrusive for some reason.
25/03/2010
Again today. This time I was close enough to have her perfume waft backwards, she smelled oddly of coconuts and flowers. It made me smile and remember the country. She looked back today, nodded and smiled, acknowledging my presence, I simply nodded back, her back straightened, and she held her head higher, it was a simple gesture, perhaps self-concious.
26/03/2010
We walked past the group of males again today, sporting two black eyes and another cradling his arm, as we closed, I shortened the distance, until I was but two steps behind her, she sidled closer to me, until we were practically walking side by side, I kept my eyes on the group as we walked past, I think I sneered at one in anger. When we had passed, I let the gap between us increase, as she neared the train station, she turned and nodded and smiled, I let her enter alone, and waited minutes before boarding myself.
27/03/2010
Today she waited for me. As I arrived at her presence, she simply turned and walked directly beside me. She nodded, and smiled. We didn't speak, we walked in complete silence, each of our eyes flickering between the other and the street. As we neared the train station, she nodded again, and walked a little faster, letting me fall behind as I slowed.
30/03/2010
I hadn't seen her for two days, but it was the weekend, and I was not worried, our walks usually occured night times, after work, I felt no protective need to find her through the day. Today however, there she was, waiting quietly, as I arrived she nodded, smiled, and her back instantly straightened, her head tilting back in confidence as she took her silent place beside me. Halfway through our walk she reached to her left, and took my hand. I turned, shocked, and she simply smiled and nodded, as if it acknowledged and assured everything. I nodded, and we continued, I let her continue on her own as we arrived at the station, halfway to the entrance, she turned and looked back, a look of longing spread across her face, and for the first time I faltered, my silent shell lost some of it's strength, and I felt the need to continue on. I didn't.
01/04/2010
Today I arrived to find her face distant, she nodded without smile, she did not take my hand. Something was wrong, or amiss, and I felt the need to ask what had occured. I didn't. I simply said, "Luke" as I pointed at myself. A smile spread it's way across her face as she took my hand, and nodded. We arrived at the train station, and I faltered, unsure of what to do, she did not release my hand as she continued to walk. I followed, like a puppy on a lead. She takes the Cranbourne line, 6:28, I faltered again, my train, my old train before I had met her, now I took the 6:45. I let her get on by herself, and watched as she disappeared down the tunnel.
02/04/2010
She arrived again, smiled, and nodded, pointing at herself she simply said "Catarina", and we continued in silence. We reached the station, and I entered with her, I boarded her train too, she looked perplexed as I continued holding her hand. I simply smiled and nodded, which alleviated most of the concern on her face. I let go of her hand, as we neared my stop, and made my way to the door. She appeared at my side, and reached for the button as we stopped. We both exited, and headed in the same direction, amused smiles playing over both our faces, we walked in the same direction, turned down the same streets, and as we came to mine, she simply looked at the street, turned to me, and nodded. She left, and walked to a house, one that was but five doors away from my own.
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Underscore79 reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s definitely an interesting idea, and I was curious enough to finish. That being said, the more I read, the more annoyed I became that she seemed to show up again for the same train and not choose a different route, any alternative route. Now, I know that there wouldn’t be a story here if she did. However, it just seemed so out of character that I spent more time thinking about that then the slow progression between the two characters. Also, I wish you would break up the sentences a little rather than combining them into a series of run-ons contributed to an excessive use of commas.
I liked the idea that the two characters actually lived so close in proximity. However, I didn’t feel like the story ended, leaving me hanging. Instead, it was rather bland.
I don’t intend to sound overly critical. In fact, I think if you spent a little more time trying to find different ways to build on the suspense, anticipation and uncertainty one feels when trying to get closer to someone this could turn into a much better piece.
Good luck.
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EllePepper reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very good start. I think what is needed is just some tightening, it lacks some emotional punch, but mostly because there is no sense of place. Even if I had a little more description I think I would be happy.
I actually like this I’m not generally for things of this type but I found this to be a pleasant surprise, are you planning to revise this at all, if so, I would be interested in re-reading this. Over all it just needs tightening of the word choice, make the ‘voice’ stronger.
AnimusLight reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this story. It’s very cute. The only thing that bugs me is that I don’t think someone writing in a journal would narrate like that. I’m pretty sure, reflecting on the day’s events, a journal-writer would be a lot more passive in tense. Instead of “I was,” it would be “I had been.”
I also think that this moves a little slowly, and the repetitions of nods and smiles seems weird. Well, just the nods. Both characters are nodding a lot, and I find that awkward. The occasional nod, sure, and the smiles seem natural. I get that you’re trying to give this sense of a ritual between the two, but could you do something else? Like, she wipes her hair from her face, and then sorta laughs at herself/smiles with teeth or something.. I find a sequence of nods just to be terribly unnatural for Western culture.
burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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“I watched her in quiet contemplation, as one does when walking a long distance.”
I can’t relate to this. Is this what one does when walking a long distance? I usually think about things in my own life, take in the scenery.
“I could hear them from where I was walking”
Cut the “from where I was walking.” That’s implied already.
“A knot formed in my stomach…”
That’s where I’d cut this one. Resist the urge to explain. RUE.
“I did the only thing I could think of, I ran.”
You are having a number of punctuation problems. In this instance, your comma should be a semi-colon, because you are joining two separate sentences that express one common idea. But mostly, you should read up on proper punctuation in something like “The Elements of Style” by Strunk and White. That’s my best advice.
“I continued on and walked with her most of the way to the train station, when we were about fifty metres away, I let her get ahead and enter the station, I’m not sure why I didn’t go in with her, it felt intrusive for some reason.”
This is 4 separate sentences spliced with commas. The only comma that belongs is ”...away, I let…” The rest should be periods.
Anyway… the story itself is a bit disappointing. The beginning is full of tense action. Then it just becomes awkward uncertainty. Then, there’s a partial resolution, but it doesn’t feel complete.
butterfly323 reviewed Version 1 -
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I very much enjoyed your story. You did a great job at keeping the readers’ attention, it made me want to continue on. Be careful, though, of your run-on sentences. Also, stay consistent. In the beginning there were three men, then after the fight he woke up and “the two men were lying on the ground”. That suggests that there were only two men to begin with. Maybe think about changing that to “two of the men were lying on the ground”. I think you could expand this into a great story.
emmettrose19 reviewed Version 1 -
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i REALLY loved this. i think this could be turned into a great novel! usually i don’t get much out of a piece that dosen’t use much dialog, but i thought this was amazing. it said so much just by saying so little, great job.
perfct2u reviewed Version 1 -
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-This seems a more dramatic moment, perhaps a different punctuation is needed. For example: I did the only thing I could think of: I ran!
-Fix this run-on sentence: I didn’t expect to run towards them, I didn’t think, I couldn’t think.
-You are missing a word to make this idiomatically correct: I rounded the corner to [see] them tearing at her clothing…
-Possible way to fix this run-on sentence by making new sentences: I tore one off and threw him backwards[. H]is head hit the concrete and he lay still, [barely] breathing.
-Please fix the other run-on sentences. Even though these are collective entries from other contributors, you can improve the quality by fixing run-on sentences, idiomatic errors, etc.
-Fix verb tense here: I think we walk to the same train station…
-Grammar error: ...me and the girl… -should be written: the girl and I
-Could re-write as: ....once she looked back, I [noticed] a nervous…
-Idiomatic error, presence seems to be wrong word here, try these or similar for clarity: As I arrived at her [spot, place, etc.]...
-How about adding some detail to the meetings of this girl? What was she wearing on a particular day? It seems the narrator becomes attracted to this girl, perhaps you could add some detail into the entries? For example: ...her eyes seemed to lighten as she watched me coming towards her…
-Seems to be missing this: ...she nodded without [a] smile…
-Pronoun agreement. If you start with ‘we’ continue with ‘we’. It makes the sentence easier to follow and concise: We reached the station, and [we entered together]...
-Overall a great story about how little a person can know who their neighbors are. I was watching a recent telephone company commercial and one of the coincidences mentioned that some ninety people just realized they were sitting near the person they were talking to in the same room.
-For having other people contribute to this collection it has amazing cohesiveness. More so than if you think that the author of The Three Musketeers, actually paid different writers to write chapters for his story, with a lot less details in sync with other chapters.
Keep adding on to this and it would be interesting to read another short story using the same methods you used here to piece together a story.
rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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You could make something of this but at the moment the story lacks bite. In trying to create an aura of mystery you leave the characters fairly empty.
Perhaps you could make the male character a mute – which he seemed to be until the seventh day – or give them more dialogue; aside from the act of kindness there’s nothing for the reader to get their teeth into and by the end of the story you’re only left with a slight impression of them.
Fleshing out the story out with some more description and taking more care with the description you already have would pay off; some of it sounds clunky, for example: A knot formed in my stomach, the kind where you are sure something is definitely wrong, but you’re not sure what --- you could trim this, make it more vivid
and he lay still, breathing --- lose ‘breathing’
‘alleviated the concern on her face’ sounds a tad strange
and….amiss and wrong are synonyms so just choose one
work on this, give it more substance and you may have something
good luck
Wytchcat reviewed Version 1 -
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“I sped up too, the males crossed the street…” Period after too. Capitalize for new sentence “The males..”
”...her, they jogged…” should be ”..jogging to catch up.” since you start the sentence with “The males..”
“I listened as I closed, they were making lewd suggestive remarks, suddenly they pulled her into a side alley.” This is essentially three sentence fragments pulled into one sentence. If you want the narrators voice to be sparse then make them short sentences otherwise end the sentence at ”...rmearks.” Maybe “I listened, as I closed on the group, to their lewd remarks.” New sentence at “Suddenly…”
The description of events on 24/03/2010 leads one to assume they walked side by side that day but it isn’t until 25/03/2010 he is close enough behind her to smell her perfume?
Ok, the sentence fragments strung together as sentences are maddening!
The story is interesting up to a point and then it just becomes so hard to believe that I have a hard time with it. And really no great cliffhanger at the end other than “Can either of them actually speak more than their name?”
Naughty_Proton reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. It’s heart warming (even though it’s not a rating you asked for). You capture the reader’s attention and keep it, which is hard to do. Good job, and I like these characters, keep up the good work, I’d like to hear more from Catrina and Luke =D
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