“Do Marshal’s typically carry bowie knives?”- While it doesn’t come across clear in this draft, this takes place in the Ol’ West. I don’t know if that makes it “typical”, but it’s not as unusual as if the story took place in the present day.
Horror / Prayer
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Hear the prayer of Your humble servant.
First, I ask of you to forgive my sins. A member of the congregation, Jasper Howell, came to me last Tuesday seeking comforting words, words of the Lord. Jasper looked as if he had seen years worth of horrors in less than a day. I’ve know Jasper quite a while and knew well that something must have troubled him greatly. He told me a tale of how he had journeyed into the woods the day before, seeking some fresh game for his family’s supper. He had no luck that day and, with dusk fast approaching, he decided to head home. That’s when he heard the screaming. He told me that it was so loud that he thought it may’ve been from a train whistle from the new railroad spur the next county over. He ran to a clearing and saw something… At this point, he had trailed off and turned white as a sheet. I said nothing, knowing that he would tell me if he wished. He then described a gruesome act: a young girl was being ravaged, not by a man, but by a… a thing. He described the creature as a bald, chalk white monstrosity with fiery eyes and teeth like railroad spikes. It was feeding on the girl, and the poor child was not dead! Jasper painted the scene so vividly, I swear I could almost see the girl’s face. Jasper told me how he brought his rifle to bear and fired upon the creature, but it only glared at him with a sneer fit for old Scratch himself. Jasper dropped his rifle and ran home.
After completing his tale, Jasper looked at me, a desperate look in his eyes. I suppose he wanted forgiveness, or to be told he did all he could. Something.
Forgive me, Father, but I did not believe his tale. While I knew Jasper was not one given to fabrication, or to indulge himself at the local saloon, his account was somewhat unbelievable. In a small county like ours, a brutal murder like that would’ve drawn more attention than just Jasper, and no one that I knew of had gone missing. I told him that what he had seen had all been in his mind, that it was a manifestation of his guilt for not catching fresh meat for his family. I tried to reassure him that his family would be fine, they would not go hungry. Jasper sighed wearily, thanked me, and left.
I was informed of Jasper’s suicide the next day. He had hung himself in his barn. He had left a note which read simply, “Forgive me”.
Jasper’s death weighed heavily on my mind. Why was his tale so easy to discount? Because he saw a monster? In the Book of Revelations, Saint John himself recounts visions of several monsters. Daniel wrestled a dragon, and Samson once pulled honey from the belly of a lion. The entire Scripture is full of what the dime novels would call “paranormal phenomena”, yet I read it to my congregation every Sunday. Was it really so hard for me to believe Jasper saw a creature of Hellish imaginations?
The U.S. Marshall rode into town on Friday, asking if the townsfolk would join him in a search party to find a girl who had gone missing five days prior. Perhaps it was Your will, Lord, that drove me to volunteer, just as it must have been you hand that guided me to that spot in the woods where Jasper no doubt stood. The look of terror still etched on that girl’s face… I can still see it when I close my eyes.
That night I went to Jasper’s grave, to tell him I was sorry, to tell him I was wrong. When I got to his gravesite, I saw the earth upturned and splinters of wood all around, as if something had rose up from beneath the dirt. That’s when I felt a hand on my arm, and turned to see Jasper, grinning despite the rope burns etched deep into his neck, his head hanging at an odd angle.
I don’t quite remember what happened next. To be honest, after seeing Jasper, the next thing I remember is the U.S. Marshall helping me off the ground, Jasper’s headless corpse lying some feet away. The Marshall sheathed his Bowie knife (possibly the cause of Jasper’s current state) and asked me not to share this tale with anyone, though I doubt he’d mind if I told you, Lord.
Lord, I ask your forgiveness in causing poor Jasper’s fate. Then, I would ask that you guide me as I strive to make sure something like this does not happen again. I have seen the evil that walks the land, and I will fight against it. For too long have I merely stood behind the pulpit, for too long have I not acted on my faith. I ask that you guide me to those that need the comfort and strength that you provide, O Lord. And I ask that you provide me with the strength and wisdom to fight the kind of unnatural evils that killed that poor girl and, ultimately, poor Jasper. And though this path may take me through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for I know the Lord walks beside me.
The shotgun I now carry helps too, and I thank the Lord for it’s invention.
I will take comfort in the words of you Son, Jesus Christ, and I will see to it that others, man and demon alike, know those words as well.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow absolutely awesome. I like this for it’s simplicity in descriptions and actions. One minute Jasper is alive telling the horror story of his sighting of this monster and it’s wrongdoing. The next the poor lad couldn’t bear the sight and commits suicide because the father didn’t believe him. A man of trust and a servant to God. Then soon after the rising of Jasper when the father visits his gravesite only to be confronted with the deceased Jasper. Waking on the ground with US Marshall’s bowie knife that probably cut of Jasper’s head. It’s a great read. Flash fiction is what I would think of this as.
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pigpen reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the story as a private prayer between the priest and god, that’s nifty. Do Marshal’s typically carry bowie knives? That threw me off a bit. I particularly liked “bald, chalk white monstrosity,” I think “bald” and “chalk” sound nice near one another.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. It was pretty creepy. I think I would have liked it as a story actually showing the scenes rather than telling them, but that would defeat the purpose of naming this story ‘Prayer’.
I only found one spelling mistake:
“I’ve know Jasper” ‘know’ should be ‘known’
Other than that, this is a good Christianity/horror piece. Is it a short story or is there more?
Keep writing!
Cilasliag reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it, but The Prophet Daniel never wrestled a Dragon in the Bible. Unless you deliberately want that to hint that the Preacher, doesn’t really know as much about the Bible as he should. Such a hint might come back to haunt him as goes off to slay demons, with that laughable shotgun. Wherein the Demon would more than likely, take it away from him and ram it up his bum and then pull the trigger. LOL Both barrels.
But on a more serious note; I think you got enough here to make this into more of a story. What you have here just an introduction to a story. A story needs a beginning, a build-up, a climax, and then a resolution. With horror it’s usually best to end the story unexpectedly bad for the characters.
This would make a good prolgue to a story.
I feel that you need to explain how this preacher dude expects prayer to work. The most popular concept of prayer while being described in horror is that it is just plain useless Bullsh . . . well, you know what I mean. The guy begins to pray as the monster gets ever closer and then reaches out to get him. The guy then prays louder and then monster tears the top part of the guy’s mouth away from the bottom part and in that split second of confusion just before he experiences this horrible death. The poor deluded bastard can’t understand why the prayer didn’t save him.
All-in-all I believe that you need to explain that, in your story, your man’s prayers do work and do have real power and why they do so. Because your audience (those that read horror) doesn’t just automatically accept that God and prayer is at work anywhere in the universe of the story. A few horror writers have made it work though. But they are the exception. Like Stephen King and a few others, but the power of God in their stories is often weaker or at best equal to the power of Evil. If not, it just simply wouldn’t be horror. Well, not to me. It would be something else.
I did enjoy it however.
Good luck,
Dave.
JaCarloHairston reviewed Version 1 -
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I think personally that if you have Jasper tell his story to the priest (narrator)before he kills himself I think it would have made his story matter more to the reader than having the story told in what seems is third hand because he is talking to the reader about something he has heard. But having a shotgun for reckoning and the thought of Jesus is very, very interesting and complex.
Maybe having the whole thing more like a prayer told to God would be a little more easier for the reader to observe than participate.
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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“I’ve know Jasper…” = known?
“Jasper painted the scene so vividly, I swear I could almost see the girl’s face.” It’s odd, then, that we readers cannot.
”...sheathed his Bowie knife…” is a priest really this informed on knives?
”...thank the Lord for its invention.” Ha! Priceless…too funny.
”...words of you Son,...” = your
I like this concept a lot. A priest seeing evil (monsters) and going after them. His tale of how Jasper confided in him and how he dismissed the man and his guilt over that. However, I feel like it is more of a story being told in certain aspects than a prayer. While we need the story, and it being in the midst of a prayer is great, it seems a bit askew. God would already know all of this, and the details that the priest needs to go into from the story told by Jasper are left out. Suggestion? Begin this with a prayer, interlude (have the narrator’s mind wander to remembering the tale as told by Jasper, his panic, the way he looked, his detailed descriptions) and then break the reverie and have the man go back to completing his prayer. This will allow you to tell the story in much more depth, adding more immediate horror and gripping the reader more thoroughly.
As it is, it is still a well thought out short horror piece. Definitely worth working with!
burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the style you are going for. Chambers, Machen, and Lovecraft certainly had a way of making these types of tales really disturbing. Your story is not bad, but it has a number of flaws that detract from the read.
To maximize the elegance and minimize the word use, try:
“Jasper looked as if he had seen years of horrors in one day.” And did he actually look this way or act/speak this way?
“may’ve been from a train whistle”
Cut the ‘from.’ Just makes it awkward when you hit the next ‘from’.
“At this point, he had trailed off”
Cut the ‘had.’ This is the point where he trailed off.
‘chalk-white’
Try: ’...feeding on the poor girl who was not yet dead’
“I swear I could almost see the girl’s face”
Never tell us what ALMOST happened. Either he could see the face, or he couldn’t.
“a sneer fit for old Scratch himself”
Fit for, or befitting?
“was somewhat unbelievable”
Words like ‘somewhat’ are useless. Just like almost, nearly, virtually, not quite… Was it unbelievable to the priest? Then just say so. The reader knows what he means; it’s not the sort of tale you hear everyday. It is completely unbelievable. No one wants to believe it.
“Hellish imaginations”
This means that it was in his mind. But the priest is trying to express a true creature of Hell, right?
“been you hand”
been Your hand.
“had rose up”
had risen
Wigmo reviewed Version 1 -
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I would leave out “in less than a day” after horrors. Maybe ‘It looked as if Jasper had seen a lifetime of horrors.’
Probably should leave out “well” – ‘knew well that something’
You might want to check up on comma and semi-colon usages because there are quite a few errors throughout here. I would be more precise but some of them I don’t even know for sure.
Very nice scene with the monster eating the kid. Maybe a few more details to fleshen out the monster and the girl.
Probably “heavy” instead of ‘heavily’ – ‘Jasper’s death weighed heavily on my mind’
Give the zombie a some more details, his skin, eyes, teeth, hair, etc.
“Your” instead of ‘you’ – ‘have been you hand that guided me’
Used “and” 3 times, “that” 3 times – ‘And I ask that you provide me with the strength and wisdom to fight the kind of unnatural evils that killed that poor girl and, ultimately, poor Jasper.’
“Your” instead of ‘you” – ‘words of you Son’ / With that same sentence you have four commas, that can’t be right.
Overall interesting sermon.
Kimbers reviewed Version 1 -
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A western take of the Vampire myth perhaps?
I did enjoy reading this so much that I re-read it twice.
It took me a while to figure out the placing of this piece but instead of recommending more description I took a step back and thought it’s more of an account that a narrative so maybe add a little something prior, like a prologue to give the reader more information on the place and time. That’s only if it’s possible.
It’s an interesting way to present a piece in this fashion because you’ve made it clear that it’s a prayer for stength and forgiveness from the opening sentence.
I would like to read more of this piece since I’m a great fan of vampire fiction, maybe post a little more? Pretty please?
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s kind of rare when a preacher doesnt believe somebody, I thought that was different. Are all those bible monsters true, if so, god job at keeping a supernatural kind of realistic in a way. I like how there wasnt a logical explanation…as a reader I felt just like the preacher. Maybe Jasper was telling the truth or maybe not/
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