Short Story / Woes of Heroism

“What people don’t see, is who I am on the inside” -> no comma, even if you want a pause

there are grammar/spelling errors throughout, so I won’t go through them all, just proof read please.  

“merely stirring around the warmth”  -> you don’t need to say “around”, it’s implied with stirring…

I’m noticing lots of cliche phrases, which take away from the writing, try to use some more inventive descriptions.  

Is this a comedy?  Words like “chomped” and “ruckus” and phrases like, “Anyway, back to the battle.” Make me feel like this could be turned into a comedic play if you wanted.  

“taking two risks. I would lose my sword first of all, having a weapon no longer. And there was the possibility that I would miss.”  If you throw your sword there isn’t a risk of not having a sword.  You wouldn’t have it.  

As you can probably tell, I didn’t really like this story.  You use a lot of descriptions though, so I can vividly see what is going on.  That is a really good thing.  I think you as a writer are capable of writing better than this.  Sorry.
Mika

First off, this story needs a serious redraft of both content and concept. The idea of a cowardice warrior isn’t completely out of the real of possibility nor is it completely original but anymore, what is? The flow of the piece is slow and burdensome. I have made mention of some ways of fixing that in my notes. You have something here that just needs refined. Keep writing and exploring your craft and you will find it. Of this I have complete confidence. Hope my thoughts help. Good job and keep writing!

glowered down at me menacingly (to glower is to look upon someone or something with fierce anger. I would omit menacingly as its superflous and makes this piece weighty from the outset.)

Its yellow eyes glowered down at me (as globs of) saliva dripped (from its) fangs. Its slender black form swayed back and forth (in) rhythm of an ancient musical tune.

(How you start your story is going to either draw them in or drive them off. You first paragraph needs to be like a boxing match: tight, clean, and quick as you set the pace for everything that follows.)

”... I’m at now.” (I would suggest: I am at now.)

Next paragraph; omit muscular-wise. Its implied in a warrior less he has a propensity for eating too many cheeseburgers. As for volunteering for any fight, it seems a bit contradictory given the fact he is about to wet himself over a flying reptile. Might want to rework that.

Internal conflict: A coward warrior? Okay. Not out of the realm of possibility nor is it original but okay.

You went from past tense to present. Need to fix this in a redraft.

Name the beasts you have slain. Name the townsperson that led you to the here and now. Your reader has to be able to personalize themselves into the world you are creating.

The valley I was in was dry and desolate, (save) a few bloody bones. (omit the rest of this sentence—>) of animals scattered in places, proving that something definitely inhabited the area

my tongue to feel dry and scratchy [in my mouth (omit this)]

“Anyway, back to the battle.” (If you shortcut your way back to the present unless as a narrative device, it leaves the reader rolling their eyes. I would work back into facing the serpent rather than forcing the situation back as everything prior was nothing more than a hiccup.)

(Try: Snapping his head at me, I ducked, casting my shield upward to fend off the attack. As I surveyed the situation, the creature looked upon me incredulously.)

My breath was knocked out of me and pain (The breath was knocked from my flailing body. The rock face slowing my momentum as I violently crashed to the Earth.)

But I never give up…. (past to present tense then back again.)

“towered several feet”
??? Kill the ‘several feet.’

“level of heroism”
This is already ringing strongly of RPG fan fiction.  I’d recommend you kill any mention of level, as well as stuff like “dagger-pointed fangs” and “menacingly” (you should be able to get across menace to us in the actions and reactions without telling us in the narrative what to think).

“broad-shouldered man who’s very big muscular-wise”
If you are a teenager, forgive me if I sound overly harsh, but this reads completely amateurish.  Muscular-wise? How about “muscular, broad-shouldered man?”

“with shaggy black hair and prominent facial features”
It sounds like someone told you you have to describe your characters.  Well, this isn’t the way to do it.  First of all, it is forced.  The only reason this line is here is to let the audience know what the character looks like.  You should bring out your details during the action of the story.  Secondly,  these details aren’t really details.  Prominent facial features?  That doesn’t give me any idea what the guy looks like.  

“a ravage beast”

Savage, maybe.  Ravage is a verb.

“What people don’t see, is who I am on the inside… I can’t let my people down.”

Okay, this whole paragraph has got to go. Have you heard anyone say the old adage, “Show, don’t tell?”  This whole paragraph is TELLING.  You, the author, are telling the audience what you want them to understand.  What you should probably be doing is SHOWING us things that allow us to come to those conclusions. Don’t tell us the guy is coward; show us a situation in which he behaves in a cowardly fashion.  That’s what makes stories engaging to readers.  It allows us to be part of a story.

If you are a kid, keep your chin up.  You’ve got a lot of potential, but you need to really keep working at becoming a better writer. Write, write, write. And read, read, read.

If you aren’t a kid… I don’t know what to tell you.

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May 25, 2009

by slbynum3

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
314	86.7% (120 votes)	18.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	Greensboro, NC	November 13

I wrote this when I was maybe 16 or so. I know it need A LOT of work. Thanks for the help!

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>>aimed at the oversized serpent that towered several feet above me.
Two things here. I got the impression that it was hanging on branch or something directly over the main character not bigger than the character, but that could just be me. The other, I hate to pull out a show don’t tell but the description should give the facts without just stating. How is he oversized? Was he bigger than a tree or bigger than say a dog. Both would be oversized depending on the species.

>>How I’d gotten into this particular situation?
This is a bit awkward you may consider revising. How ‘did’ I get here? or something like that.

>>few bloody bones of animals scattered in places,
Things dry out pretty quickly in deserts not withstanding scavengers that couldn’t let these things go too long out of survival instinct. This is also a fairly standard fantasy setting may want to add something to distinguish the landscape. Also it just came to me who would let their cattle roam or gaze in or around a desert?

>>The stupid animal was toying with me. Why were these beasts getting smarter and smarter these days?
Characterization. No offense but this guy sounds fairly dense especially thinking how stupid the creature is on one hand then saying how smart they have been getting on the other.

>>The serpent snarled in anger
Can a serpent snarl without lips? Just a thought.

>>The serpent shrieked in pain
I guess that it is your story and you can envision your creatures how you want but snakes don’t generally have vocal chords, in fact most snakes(even rattlers unless threatened) don’t make any sounds at all except in movies. Maybe you could add in the description this is a magic or special species or something.

>>But I never give up.
Bad form to start a sentence with a coordinating conjunction. Consider using ‘still’.

>>the beast sunk its teeth into my ankle.
This makes me think it actually got his fangs in. First I would have thought it impossible for something as big as you have me imagining this snake, to sink its fangs into such a small target. Second the next passage negates this so it made me stop in the flow.

Okay, not a bad start for a story. For the most part it flows pretty well and there are some style considerations. If you haven’t already do a style review using Strunks Elements of Style. It would be interesting as an episode in a character’s life but needs some more characterization and detail. For example the hero being sent out by the king to fight a giant monster is cliche. You have to throw out some twist that makes this different from say a Terry Brooks story. Also you need to either distinguish your giant beast as something different from its smaller cousins or do some research on real snakes. For example that constrictors have to anchor their fangs in their victim before they can constrict. It has some promise as a character sketch exercise but needs more work to flesh it out.

Dear Creator,
Good luck in life.  I offer my review with detailed thought to your every shared word.  
In my quest to achieve critique points I would to offer some suggestions to you story, if I may be so bold.  
You state apprehensiveness in the warrior’s inner predicament making sense.  In my opinion – No.
Nor does his strength of character.  He seems like a King’s Punk Brother’s Little friend who got bullied into fighting over-sized monsters.  If you  -  or any creature in your story fights for life, I believe you must show the scared panic of truly knowing it’s the shit.
Not once does your character feel the urgency of being close to death.  If he fights more than one time, for the next breath, it changes everything. The vision, the smell, the pin drop or hearing the opponent breathe.
You must let go of the story board actor. The sequence before battle, not every move needs to show connection in proper order.
No snake will attack unless provoked, much less come back without an eye.  Snakes don’t toy with food – please have respect for serpents.  
Any warrior that contemplates fear and self-worth in battle is a scholar at heart, not a protector of instant failure.  And therefore of being an ignorant beast is not believable.
Pride is successful failure, still leads to blissful ignorance.  It is just the other end of the straw….LOL…most times.
Give a character forced beyond being told of peer expectations and make the dilemma of why his fear is needed.  Then I will accept his blood lust to eye-plucking a big ol’ bad cow munching snake.  
If you want sympathy from the snake’s point of view, just highlight more of the political pressures to kill out of fear or to better husbandry our existence.
I wish you all sorts of luck.  There are many gaming industries that would benefit from your play by play action creation.  With storyline established, weapons detailed, special powers, scenery boundaries, I think you would rock at decision of detail.  

“I was aware of the weight of my sword as I held it high” Good opening sentence. I like the warrior’s wonderment at his situatuin. As well, the first-person tense helps bring us in.

“The valley I was in was dry and desolate, with a few bloody bones of animals scattered in places, proving that something definitely inhabited the area. The terrain was craggy with large rocks dispersed around. Dust filled the air, causing my tongue to feel dry and scratchy in my mouth. The breezes did nothing to cool the hot day, merely stirring around the warmth in the air.” For some reason, I like this particular set of details. They help me visualize the setting of the story.

The point about the single yellow eye was interesting and kinda caught me off-gaurd (in a good way).

An interesting take of the fanasy genre. I like how you take typical conventions---the serprent, a desolate own, a brawny protagonist-—and turn them on their heads. The voice and tone of the piece was particularly captivating. It’s not often you see complexity and introspection in a fanasy piece, and I appreciated this fresh look and made us actually care about the hero.

With that being said, you seemed to drp what was the most interesting angle of the story too soon. In the middle, almost out of nowwhere we learn of the main character’s doubts. However, once the action rises and we see the fight sequence underway, that seems to almost be forgotten abut. I would like to see that weaved into the story more and affect or color his actions.

As well, you show instead of tell, a common and forgiveable mistake of most writers. As opposed to flat-out telling us that he doubts himself and is confused, perhaps you could hint at this through his actions or words.

Nevertheless, at times the details in the story were very fresh and vivid. Yu do a great job describing the fight scene and building the tension in said climax.

I like the idea that the hero is a coward. Very good. That makes for a very strong character to work with. With that in mind, you need to make sure you stick with the concept and not fluctuate back and forth. One minute he’s scared, the next he’s full of courage, and all that is taking place in his mind. You contradict yourself a lot in this piece, so go over everything and find those passages where you do that.
Ex:
who went to his best warrior, me. – Well, how’d he get to be the best warrior if he was a coward?

I am accustomed to shrugging it off – He can’t shrug off being a coward. Not the right phrase.

stupid animal was toying with me. Why were these beasts getting smarter – contradictory statements.

I was caught off guard, – How could he be caught off guard when he’s in the middle of a fight?

I think you need to read other writers to see how they tell action scenes. This should be very exciting, but it’s really not. I believe you can get it if you really study the craft because your ideas are good.

Anyway, back to the battle. – Never say this:
tempered frenzy – You can’t have both
I blindly ran for my sword. – I thought the serpent was the blind one? How could he find it if he’s running blindly?

Lastly, one example of rewriting your sentence. You can figure out which one it is.

The snake propelled itself at me before I could take a step, coiling its tail  around my body, constricting my ribs so tightly, I couldn’t even cry out in pain.

Good luck and don’t quit.

First of all I think this could work better as a scene in a larger piece, like you said in the description, certainly not a short story. There is no character development, it is just a fight, a small piece from a larger puzzle.
I am not sure though about the first person. I can clearly hear the author speaking through the man’s voice and I would like to hear the character speak. It doesn’t sound like something this person would say in this situation. It is all too childish. Like telling this story to some of your friends. If you need to let us know what is going on inside his head you must uncover some deeper feelings that the ones here.