Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Twenty-Five and Recaps (Analysis)
Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.
Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.
Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.
Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious.
Chapter Five –Lauriana grows finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari, her serious boyfriend at home.
Chapter Six – After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.
Chapter Seven –Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow.
Chapter Eight –The Master insists Martika work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.
Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.
Chapter Ten –Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.
Chapter Eleven – Martika, arrives at the Keep claiming to be betrothed to Mikell. Mikell tells Lauriana some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.
Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana meets The Master.
Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.
Chapter Fourteen – Lauriana has a close encounter with ogres. Mikell and Lauriana’s dreams are invaded by The Master. The words “You Are Mine” are burned into Lauriana’s arm. The Master can track them by the burn.
Chapter Fifteen – The Master stares at a mysterious portrait of a woman who died 800 years ago. Lauriana’s wound continues to get worse and needs treatment soon. They decide to go to Tandril’s home. (An elven village). Lauriana takes a knife with her to bed and stabs The Master in her dreams.
Chapter Sixteen – The Master is angered by Lauriana stabbing him, and he makes her sicker. The Master Healer at the elven village hates humans and refuses to allow the healing. Heartbroken the party prepares to leave and is stopped by Maurenthia, a young elven healer who offers to heal Lauriana. After the healing Lauriana must fight The Master in her dreams to drive him from her mind. After three days she’s still unconscious. Petrick has an idea that might help and enlists Jenessa’s help.
Chapter Seventeen – Lauriana fights her way out of The Master’s dream world and wakes up free if the poison. She discovers The Master wants her to have his child so he can become invincible. Petrick doesn’t return from the dream world in time and Zeke frees him. Lauriana and Mikell argue and later come to an understanding. Mikell has a surprise for Lauriana.
Chapter Eighteen – Lauriana rests a few days in the elven village. Mikell decided to ask Lauriana to be his wife. Ash discovers that The Master needs an heir before the fall of the next year. If she can stay out of his clutches by the winter solstice she’ll be able to go home. Lauriana agrees to marry Mikell, and then has a fight with Marcus. Zeke says the planet are aligning in such a way tonight that he can send Lauriana home, but she will never be able to return. Unable to decide Lauriana runs from the hall.
Chapter Nineteen – Lauriana decides to stay because she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t help Mikell’s world. She finds out the Ari was going to propose the day she was transported to this world. Because she doesn’t think she’ll ever see Ari again she marries Mikell. The elven healer acts suspicious and insists on leaving with the party. The party sets out for the Arcane Mountains. Tandril questions the healer’s behavior.
Chapter Twenty Part One – The party stops at Traverse City to pick up supplies and are forced to stay in town because of a snowstorm. Two people from Mikell’s past are in town, Selina, who had wanted to marry him and Kesar who wants to kill him. Kesar finds Mikell and forces him into a fight by having one of his men grab Lauriana. Mikell is seriously injured and near death. He can only by save by Zeke. But, Zeke is in a meditative trance and can’t be awakened until morning.
Chapter Twenty Part Two – Lauriana waits by Mikell’s bedside for Zeke to awake. Master Hartford visits Ash (his mother) and the reader discovers the Ash is really Lauriana’s Aunt, but hasn’t told her yet. Zeke heals Mikell in the nick of time. Mikell goes after Kesar wanting to end the feud once and for all. The Master explains to Martika why he hates Lauriana and Mikell so much. He loved one of Lauriana’s ancestor’s and she left him for an ancestor of Mikell’s. The Master ended up killing them both. Lauriana waits in her room with her cousins for Mikell and the other men to return. The door crashes open and three large men burst in.
Chapter Twenty-One
The Master has delusions that Lauriana could love him. Mikell kills Kesar in a final showdown. Lauriana and her cousins battle three of Kesar’s men. Mikell rushes back to Lauriana to try to stop Kesar’s men.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Winnie catches Maurenthia, the elven healer in suspicious behavior. The Master appears Lauriana and tells her that if she doesn’t leave the camp and come to him, Mikell will die. Martika appears to Mikell offering to save his life in return for marrying her. Lauriana grabs her pack and leaves the camp. She doesn’t get very far before she decides she can’t go threw with it. She had promised Mikell she wouldn’t go off on her own. Tandril finds her and then gets Mikell. Mikell convinces Lauriana to come back to the camp. The next morning after Mikell gets up and leaves the shelter, Lauriana awakes to find The Master next to her.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The Master leaves a red handprint on Lauriana’s breast. He used a projection spell and Lauriana will need someone with her at all times to prevent The Master from returning. Maurenthia admits she wants revenge against The Master for the death of her brothers. Tandril realizes Maurenthia is his cousin. He was with her brothers in the pass to The Master’s lair. Mikell discovers they are being followed. They make camp and wait for Kesar’s men to arrive. Marcus and Sheridan battle a group of men, but one gets through into to camp. Lauriana leaves the fire to find her missing necklace. Hector grabs her and puts a blade to her neck.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The party fights off the rest of Kesar’s men. Lauriana kills Hector. Mikell and Lauriana have words about why she left the fire. Lauriana confides in Tandril. Lauriana and Mikell make up. The party finds the cave. Lauriana finds a secret door and walks through a force field. Mikell tries to follow but is thrown back.
Chapter Twenty-Five
-1-
The Master filled his glass with wine for the seventh, or was it the eighth time? That idiot boy had not returned yet with any news. His spying spell hadn’t worked for some time. No doubt, the old wizard cast a spell of prevention to stop his mirrors from working. Fortunately, he had other ways to keep track of the girl and her meddling party. He paced in front of his black throne. He’d had it carved on the spot from a large piece of obsidian. The mountain was full of precious stones, but he had little use for gems.
Adamek rushed into the room out of breath and bowed his head. “Sorry, it took so long, my lord. I had unforeseen difficulties.”
“I am not interested in your difficulties.” The Master climbed the four granite steps to his throne. “What did you find out?”
“Good news, my lord. They found the cave.”
“Excellent.” The fools. They thought they were trying to find him, but he was guiding them right to his door. Why should he bother sending someone to hunt down the girl, when he could get her to come to him? As a bonus, she would bring the wretched ranger with her. He leaned back in his seat. Yes, his plan was going better than he had hoped. Soon he would have everything he wanted.
-2-
Lauriana blinked. How did she get here? She’d felt tired all day, but now felt rested and alert. She looked back at the force field and the rest of the party on the other side. She recalled entering the cave, but nothing after that. She walked toward the center of the room and winced as a bright light flared in front of her. When the light disappeared, a woman stood before her.
Her eyes widened. “You’re alive?”
Zotara smiled. “Not, in the same sense you are. Our spirits are trapped here and will be until The Master is stopped.”
“Our?” The light flared again, and a familiar looking man appeared. Lauriana stared. It was like looking at a mirror image of her and Mikell.
“I am Andries, Mikell’s ancestor. We are pleased you have made it this far.”
“Yes, and so quickly too,” Zotara added. “We know The Master has not made it easy for you, yet here you are.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Lauriana asked. “I’m not a hero, and I don’t know how to be one. I have never had to do anything like this before. Are you here to help me?”
Andries nodded. “We can offer some help.”
“We can’t tell you what to do.” Zotara tilted her head to the side and smiled. “But the gods have agreed to allow me to give you a few items.”
The back wall lit up and a hidden door opened. Lauriana found leather fighting clothes and a map. She ran her hands over the soft leather and then scooped up the items.
Lauriana stepped behind a large rock and undressed. She pulled on the pants first. Then put on the shirt and laced up the front, a perfect fit. The v-neck was just high enough to cover the red handprint on her breast. The brown leather was so supple it felt like a second layer of skin. She pulled on the boots and strapped her sword to her back. She felt a surge of energy. She tucked the map into her belt pouch and then turned back to Zotara and Andries.
She took a deep breath and let it out. “I’ll do my best to see to it that you can rest in peace.”
“We know you will,” Zotara said. “The map does not reveal the exact location of The Master’s lair, but before I died, I did narrow down the location to Mount Death. The pass to the lair moves every year, but always remains near Mount Death. You will have to discover how to enter the pass on your own.” A bright light flashed, and an amulet appeared in her right hand. “During your darkest hour of need, hold the amulet, think of me, and I will come to your aid. The amulet will only work once, so make sure it is a time of dire need. One last thing. Try not to be too hard on yourself.”
"What do you mean?”
“You are trapped in a web spun by the gods. The web ensured that you would fall in love with Mikell. The gods made him your soulmate in the event you made it to this world.”
“I had been so sure that Ari was my soulmate.”
Zotara gave her an understanding smile. “He is in his world. You were born to survive in two worlds, thus you have a soulmate in both worlds.”
Lauriana stared at the woman. How could it be true? She had thought she only needed to figure how who was her true soulmate and then she would know who she wanted to be with, but now… She shook herself. She couldn’t afford to think about this right now.
“Now you had better return to your friends. They are worried about you. Good-bye and good luck,” Zotara said.
Andries waved. “Good-bye. You must stay strong. The Master will test you time –and time again. Remain steadfast and do not falter.”
Their images flicked and disappeared. Silence filled the cavern, the only sound a faint trickle of water running somewhere beneath the mountain.
-3-
Mikell paced while the rest of the party talked among themselves. “How long is she going to be in there? She has been gone at least an hour.”
Tandril put a hand on his shoulder. “Patience, my friend. I am sure if something had gone wrong we would have heard something.”
Mikell opened his mouth to respond, but Jenessa cut him off. “Look here she comes.”
She stepped through the force field feeling radiant and powerful. Mikell’s jaw dropped open. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. “What happened in there? Why were you gone so long?”
“I met Zotara and Andries. They gave me a map to help find The Master.”
Zeke’s eyebrows rose as her turned to Ash.
Jenessa’s eyes widened. “What do you mean, you met them?”
“Their spirits are trapped here until we complete the quest. Zotara also gave me this.” Lauriana pulled the amulet out of her pouch. “She said she would come and help me once more in my deepest hour of need.”
“Remarkable.” Zeke stroked his beard. “How did you know where to find that room?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. I only remember feeling like I had just come out of a trance and standing in that room.”
“I suggest we find a place to set up camp and then take a look at that map.” Mikell turned to Lauriana. “Then you can tell us what you want to do next.”
Her stomach lurched; her heart beat faster. She had no idea what to do next. Why would the gods entrust her to save this world? What if a decision she made cost all of them their lives. Andries’s words echoed in her head. “The Master will test you time –and time again.”
-4-
Lauriana brought out the map and held it up to the firelight. The others gathered around and looked on. “It’s not the exact location, but it narrows it down to an area up in this mountain range. Do you recognize anything?”
Mikell studied the map. “I’m not sure.”
“Let me see that.” Sheridan grabbed the map. “I recognize it. Gertie told me about this pass. The pass to this mountain range is secret. The location was entrusted to her clan to keep people away.”
“Did she tell you how to find it?” Mikell asked.
“I’m afraid not. She said she could only show me.”
“It looks like our next destination will be the Mountain Dwarves village.” Zeke scratched his head. “I have been deep in these mountains before. It could take us months to find the passage to Mount Death if we are able to locate it. I do not see any other choice.”
Winnie fed a twig into the fire. “Is the village far from here?”
“Flint village is close by,” Sledge said. “The problem is that the entrance to the village is surrounded by factions of rebel dwarves.”
“Rebel dwarves?” Marcus asked.
Petrick pushed his glasses up on his nose. “I have read that when the dwarves decided to move underground several rebelled and didn’t want to follow the Dwarf Counsel’s orders. They were exiled by the rest of the clan. They leave the dwarves alone, but will attack anyone else.”
Sheridan nodded. “That’s what Gertie told me.”
“There’s a chance we could avoid the rebel factions,” Sledge said. “I know of a route the rebels do not frequent. It would take two days ride. If we encounter rebels, there will be fewer bands on this route.”
“Let’s try it,” Lauriana said. “Sheridan, you are going to have to convince Gertie to take us to the secret pass to Mount Death. It’s the only way to find The Master.” She turned to Zeke. “Do you think The Master will know we’re coming?”
“If he doesn’t, he will figure it out soon. The Master will know the moment we step into the pass. Perhaps if we are quick enough, we can surprise him. Ash and I also have a few tricks up our sleeves. If we can detect his warning spells, we might be able to disarm them.
“I just might have a few ideas myself,” Petrick said. Jenessa smiled at him.
“A warning spell?” Lauriana asked. “You mean like the spells you cast around the Keep to warn you of anyone coming near the place?”
“Exactly.”
“I suggest we turn in and get an early start tomorrow,” Lauriana said. “We don’t want to give The Master any more time to figure out what we are up to than necessary.”
-5-
Mikell scouted the area before going to sleep. Lauriana decided to go with him. She had a sense of fleeting time, as if her time with him would be ending soon. What did it mean? Did it mean that she would be back with Ari soon? Would he even want her back? Is that what she wanted?
When they returned to camp, Maurenthia stood alone at the other side of the clearing. Lauriana turned to Mikell. “You, go ahead. I will join you in a few minutes.”
She walked over to elven healer. “Is there something wrong?”
“I couldn’t sleep, so I came out for some air. I am not sure what I am feeling.” Maurenthia smiled an odd smile. “I have been waiting a long time to see that The Master pays for what he did to my family. Now it seems I am closer than I ever thought I would be. It’s hard to believe that I could be this close.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I can do is promise that I will do my best. Not just because of the quest, but because he needs to be stopped before he hurts anymore innocent people.”
“And if it looks like it will cost you your life?”
Lauriana swallowed and met the woman’s eyes. “I won’t lie to you. I don’t want to die. I’m afraid. But I won’t give in to my fears. I have known for a while now that when I go up against The Master, only one of us will survive. I accept that. Try to get some sleep.”
-6-
“I would have thought you’d be asleep by now,” Lauriana said.
“You know better than that. I will not go to sleep until you are safely in my arms.”
She smiled. “I feel the same way.”
She rummaged through her pack for her hairbrush. Mikell grabbed her from behind and kissed her neck. She sighed. When she was in his arms, life was so simple. They were together and that was all that mattered. She wished it could be like that all the time. Where does that leave Ari? A small voice in the back of her head asked.
“You seem different tonight, since you left the cave. I can’t put my finger on it.” He smiled and looked at her. “I like the new outfit. It hugs all the right places.” He grabbed her again. Lauriana acted shocked by his behavior and swatted at him with her hairbrush. After a few seconds of protest, she dropped the brush and gave in to his advances.
She looked up at him with adoring eyes. “I love you so much.”
“I know,” he whispered.
-7-
Tensions grew as they neared the area of rebel forces. Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins straightened in their saddles. The others, all seasoned fighters were alert all the time. She felt a chill run through her. When will this end? It wasn’t enough that she needed to defeat The Master. There was always some other trial to face along the way. Sometimes she wished they would just find The Master and be done with it. Sometimes.
“From here on until we get to the village try not to make any sound,” Sledge said. “The village is another hour away. It will not be safe to speak until then. With luck we should be able to make it to the village entrance before anyone knows we’re here.”
Lauriana scanned the surrounding trees. Something didn’t feel right. As time passed, her unease grew. She looked at Mikell and he nodded. He sensed something too. As she reached back to make sure her sword was clear in her scabbard, she realized the source of her alarm. It was too quiet. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up. Mikell motioned everyone to stop. They slid off the horses and walked ahead on foot.
Out of the corner of her eye, Lauriana saw a glint of steel. “Ambush!”
She drew her sword. As she spun around, she met two rebel dwarves rushing her. She kicked one in the chest driving him back and brought her sword through the skull of the other. His helmet split and fell away. Shards of bone mixed with bits of flesh and hair, flew through the air. She wanted to check around to make sure others were all right, but there wasn’t time. She estimated there to be at least three dozen dwarves attacking, all armored and carrying battle-axes.
To Lauriana’s right lightning sizzled and crackled as it met its targets. Several dwarves ran screaming. She felt someone behind her and whirled around.
“Put your back to mine and keep it there,” Mikell barked.
She did not take pleasure in ending lives, but the feel of Mikell’s back against hers gave her strength and solace. She heard battle cries from her brothers and Sledge, but couldn’t see where they were. For every two rebels she sliced, two more would pop up in their place. She felt a sharp pain in her forearm as an axe sliced through the leather and bit into her flesh. Burning and numbness spread throughout her arm.
“Sheridan, close your eyes and cover your ears.” Petrick yelled to be heard over the clash of steel. The dwarf dropped to his knees. He squeezed his eyes shut and put his hands over his ears. “Tandu riftkin ecsaserbatem,” Petrick and Jenessa raised their hands and shouted in unison.
A light flashed and a rumbling sound filled the air. The remaining dwarves froze in midstride. The silence was eerie.
Lauriana stared at the dwarves. They looked like statues. “What happened?”
Petrick grinned. “Just a little spell Jenessa and I have been working on.”
“I had my doubts.” Jenessa smiled in relief. “In practice it never worked quite right.”
“Can I open my eyes and take my hands off my ears yet?” Sheridan grumbled. Marcus reached down, grabbed his arm, and pulled him up, nearly yanking him off his feet.
Maurenthia looked around. “Is anyone hurt?”
When Lauriana looked at the blood covering her and her sword, a wave of nausea hit her. Her knees buckled.
Mikell caught her by the waist. “Are you all right?”
She nodded. “I will be in a minute. I just got a sight of all the blood on me and on my sword. It’s a little overwhelming. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.”
“There’s a stream nearby where we can clean up,” Sledge said.
“An excellent idea,” Zeke replied. “It won’t do to ask for the dwarves help when some of us are covered with blood and battle stench.”
“We should hurry,” Petrick said. “I have no idea how long that spell will last, and we can’t cast it again until tomorrow.”
Lauriana let Zeke heal the long gash on her forearm while Ash and Maurenthia tended to the others with wounds. She was relieved that none of the injuries were serious. Sledge had a small gash in his thigh and Marcus had a few cuts on his arms. The combatant code of honor did not allow for magical healing, unless it meant life or death.
-8-
Sheridan was sure Sledge must be wrong. This could not be the entrance to the village. All he saw was an ordinary cave. When he entered, his eyes grew wide. The inside looked like a building. Each section of the wall depicted intricately carved scenes of the dwarven way of life, a few fierce battles, but mostly dwarves crafting fine items. Now he understood much of what Gertie had explained to him. Before he could get his bearings, five armed dwarves appeared and blocked their path.
The tallest dwarf asked, “What business do you have with our village?"
Zeke stepped forward. “We are friends of Gertie Stonerude. Would you please tell her that Sheridan and his friends are here to see her?”
The dwarves moved off into a corner and talked in low voices. One of the dwarves disappeared through the main archway. The tallest dwarf returned.
“They call me Stoney. Squirt went to speak with Gertie. If she confirms that you are friends of hers, you will be admitted to the village. If not …”
The dwarf’s voice trailed off as he walked away leaving little doubt to the meaning of his words. Sheridan was not looking forward to seeing the dwarf woman again, but he would do what he had to, to help his sister. The remaining dwarves in the cavern kept a close watch on the party. Just when he thought she wasn’t coming, Gertie raced through the archway. She ran straight for Sheridan, jumped into his arms, and wrapped her short stubby legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.
“I knew you would miss me and come to see me. I knew it.”
“Good to see you a, a, Gertie, let’s not get carried away.” He did not know what to say, but he knew how important it was to get her help so he tried to be a good sport. Fortunately, Gertie was lost on subtle nuances, so she didn’t notice his lack of enthusiasm. With considerable effort, he pried her arms off his neck. Gertie promptly attached herself to his arm. He squirmed to get away, but she held fast.
-9-
Gertie led the party through the main archway to the main junction of the village. A series of tunnels led off in different directions and down into the rock. Wooden cars made traveling quicker. The humans and elves fit into the cars with some difficulty. The combatants had no choice, but to lie down and ride on the top of the cars.
At her home, Gertie offered ale and crumb cake. The house was simple, four rooms carved into stone. There were no decorations and only a few pieces of sturdy oak furniture. She wouldn’t let Sheridan out of her sight. She fed him cake and was quick to refill his mug with ale. Lauriana wondered how long it would be before her brother blew his top. She nodded to Sheridan. It was time to ask for Gertie’s help.
“Gertie, it’s good to see you, but there was one other reason why we came by.” His voice was surprisingly diplomatic. He cleared his throat. “You are the only one that can help us.”
The dwarf woman puffed out her chest. “I knew I was important.” She grinned. “I would do anything for you.” She batted her eyes at him, that action alone, without the beard was enough, to make Lauriana smile. But the combination was almost too much. She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.
Lauriana handed the map to Sheridan. “We need to find this secret mountain pass.”
“I could show you how to find it,” Gertie said, “but I won’t. It’s too dangerous. Those who go into that pass never come out. That is why we protect it.”
“But Gertie, if we don’t stop The Master the whole world will be plunged into darkness. The Master will have the power to take over the world.”
“That would be too bad. But I can’t risk your life and that’s final.” Gertie crossed her arms over her chest and gave a sharp nod.
He opened his mouth to argue with her, but Lauriana put her hand up to silence him. “It’s not Sheridan that will be in danger. I am the one who must defeat The Master. I just need him for moral support. Marcus and I will protect him. He’s our baby brother. We would protect him with our lives. We need your help.”
Gertie thought for a moment. “Well if you promise me Sheridan will not be hurt, I will show you where the secret pass is, but the elders forbid us to enter, so you will be on your own after that. We are also forbidden to go there near or after sundown. We will have to go in the morning. You may all stay here tonight.” She winked at Sheridan.
Lauriana wondered if it were really true, that they couldn’t go near the pass so close to sundown. Or did the dwarf woman just want to spend the night with Sheridan. Either way, she wasn’t going to risk angering the woman by asking. They needed to find the pass.
-10-
Lauriana sensed how close they were to The Master. The awareness sent shivers down her spine. The evil wizard would have more surprises for her, of that she had no doubt. Andries’s parting words still haunted her. ‘The Master will test you time, and time again.’ She took a deep breath and let it out.
When she thought about how The Master wanted to impregnate her so she could give him an heir, it made her sick to her stomach. The mere thought made her skin crawl. The handprint on her breast and mark on her wrist began to burn. A hand on her back made her heart nearly jump out of her throat.
“It’s just me.”
Lauriana held her hand to her neck. “I think you just took ten years off my life.”
“Thinking about The Master?” She nodded. Mikell wrapped his arms around her. “It’s going to be all right, I’m not going to let him touch you again.”
“You may not have any control over it. But I know you will do everything in your power to prevent it.” She laid her head on his chest.
“You should be sleeping.” Mikell stroked her hair. “I don’t like waking up and finding my beautiful wife missing from my bed.”
“I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about how close we are to The Master, and that made me think about why he wants me, and then my chest and wrist started burning.”
“Let me see.” He took the bandage off her chest. Since the handprint appeared, there had not been a change to the burn. Now the handprint glowed. “I think we should show this to Zeke.”
They knocked on the old wizard’s door. After a few minutes, Zeke finally came to the door. “What’s wrong?”
“We were hoping you could tell us,” Mikell said.
Zeke stepped to the side so they could enter the room. “Come in.”
Lauriana sat on the edge of the bed. Without a word, Mikell removed the bandage on her breast. She turned her head away. She couldn’t bear to look at the glowing hand.
“What do you think it means?” Mikell asked.
Zeke’s eyebrows rose. “When did this start?”
“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “It just started burning a few minutes ago, and when we took the bandage off it was glowing.”
“Your wrist too?” She nodded and showed him her wrist. “I think we should let Ash and Maurenthia take a look.” Zeke left the room.
Mikell sat down next to Lauriana and put his arm around her shoulders. “Try not to worry.” Zeke returned shortly with Ash and Maurenthia.
Ash studied the burns for a long moment and then stepped back. “Hmmm, I’m not sure what to make of it.”
Maurenthia furrowed her brow. “I think I may have seen this before. I must consult one of my books. I hope I brought the right one along.” The elven healer rushed from the room.
“This salve should help with the burning.” Ash spread the salve on the burns.
Lauriana’s felt the color draining from her face, and she swallowed hard. “I think the glow means that we are getting closer to The Master and he knows it.”
They all turned and stared at her. “Interesting…” Zeke said.
“Every since I left the cave, I just seem to know certain things, I’m not sure how,” Lauriana said.
Zeke scratched his head. “Perhaps, Zotara and Andries transferred knowledge to you when you were in the cave without you knowing it.”
“I don’t remember most of what happened. I just remember feeling more powerful when I left, more prepared for the quest.”
Maurenthia returned her face ashen.
“What be wrong?” Ash asked.
“I think the glowing and burning means that we are getting closer to The Master.”
“That’s what Lauriana said,” Zeke said.
“You knew?” A flash of anger filled the elven woman’s eyes, but it dissipated so quickly, Lauriana wondered if it had ever been there.
“Well, not exactly, but I felt it.” She sighed. “We might as well get some sleep. I’m sorry for waking you in the middle of the night.”
Zeke smiled warmly and squeezed her hand. “No apologies necessary. Ash and I are always here for you. I am sure that Maurenthia feels the same way.” She nodded in agreement.
Mikell slipped his arm around Lauriana. “Let’s get you back to bed. If you are going to continue to lead this quest, you’ll need rest.” He gave her a tight smile. Lines of worry were etched on his handsome face.
Lauriana looked up at him and squeezed his arms. “Try not to worry about me.”
“You might as well ask me not to breathe.”
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i think you have a story filled with a great storyline and passion. i love the way these characters connect with each other. please keep it up.
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I’ll start by saying I have not read any other chapters, so I am stepping into this chapter with no backstory.
I liked it, first of all. The writing is tight (even if here and there you will still find a sentence that can be refined a little) and you don’t dawdle. There are a few small gramatical errors, but I’m sure other reviewers will point them out.
What I want to focus on is your protagonist/antagonist conflict.
This might be a calm-before-the-storm kind of chapter, but there should be more direct confrontation between The Master and your party. I know you have The Master visiting lauriana in her sleep and leaving burn marks on her chest, but by chapter 25 in a quest-to-fight-evil plot, I would like a bit more of an actual struggle against the evil.
I get the idea that The Master is just sitting in his lair and waiting for them the whole time, leaving you to dream up other villains to plague your party of heroes. If you want your reader to really get a feeling for the stakes involved between the party and The Master, you’ve got to step up from just letting him into the story through dreams.
I would like to see an emissary or a champion of The Master stepping in to fight the party, instead of some well-timed rebel dwarves who conveniently up the tension. I need to feel that The Master REALLY threatens the lives of the WHOLE party.
Lord of the Rings had the Nazgul, Wheel of Time had the Myrddraal, The Dark Tower had The Man in Black. Maybe you already have a villian like this, all I know is if a party of do-gooders were climbing up my mountain and I was The Master, I’d be throwing all the fire and brimstone I could spare at them just to amuse myself.
As far as the descriptions go, I don’t think you have any problem. I would however advise a little more description between scene changes (like, say, where your party enters the dwarven village). Even though you had a break, I still found myself reading over your short scene-setting descriptions too quickly, so that I had to back-track to find out where I was, because I missed the scene change. Flesh the start of the new scene out a little more so that I don’t miss what’s happening.
A slightly less important thing is my concern for your dwarves. Again, you might have addressed this previously, but the dwarves came accross as a tad too comical, and I personally don’t like dwarves taking on a comical feel.
My real question is (and I can’t answer this for myself because I haven’t read any of the other chapters) whether your work encapsulates an epic struggle? What you’ve written is good, but if you want to rank up there with the Tolkiens, Gemmels and Jordans of the world, it has to be epic.
Your world is very reminiscent of other fantasy works, but differentiated enough to still be marketable and to take on a life of its own.
In short:
I want more of a feel of your heroes vs. your villian, not your heroes vs. miscellanious bad guys.
Liked it.
Keep up the good work.
“He’d had it carved on the spot from a large piece of obsidian”—this isn’t as clear as it could be. Consider specifying that it was carved in THAT room?
Does she feel anything, fear or anxiety, at seeing her party trapped on the other side of the shield?
I like the surprise twist in the meeting with Zotara and Andries, and the warrior’s outfit :)
“she only needed to figure how who was her” typo?
“Zeke’s eyebrows rose as her turned to Ash.”—as HE turned to Ash?
““I just might have a few ideas myself,” Petrick said. Jenessa smiled at him. ”—This seems better fit to go after Lauriana’s question about the warning spells. Otherwise this seems like Petrick interrupts their conversation and is ignored.
I like how the combatants would not allow a healing. Adds consistence with characterization. And Petrick and Jenessa’s spell. Also enjoyed Gertie and Sheridan’s exchange, very entertaining.
Cute dialogue for an end to the chapter :) Looking forward to the next!
’...figure how who…’ – Wasn’t sure it was intentional, but thought I’d mention it.
‘Zeke’s eyebrows rose as her turned…’ – That didn’t make sense.
‘Wooden cars made traveling quicker’ – I love this, it’s a cute addition
I like Gertie’s reaction to Sheridan. Like a little school girl in love. It’s cute.
~~~~~~
I thought that this chapter was well written with some exceptions I noted above. It flows really well, everything falls into place. The description of the cave was simple and not overwhelming with details, like my stuff, and I feel like I’m right there feeling their feelings and seeing what their seeing. The Wooden cars is my favorite as well as the reaction of Gertie to Sheridan. The story is moving right along and I’m looking forward to reading more. I have no suggestions for changes cause like I mentioned this was well written.
I think this is a very very good story. The characters have a lot of depth to them and its a lot better than what I would’ve thought it to be. at first i was expecting another LotR bit but this was very unique and I love the way it was written. Very well thought out. I’ll be looking forward to the next chapter.
Really enjoyed reading this, it was easy to look over and truly a treat to imagine the setting and the characters. The dialogue was great, and you very rarely see it flow with so much reality as you bring it. The characters each have their own personalities, with Lauriana I think being my favorite, as to why though I’m not too sure, theres just something about her that makes me smile. Another thing I liked that might seem silly is the use of rebel dwarves; truly not the usual enemies one would find in a fantasy novel. Normally its orcs or something equivalently nasty. I did’nt really come across any grammatical errors of misuse. Good job and I look forward to reading more.
First of all, it is very helpful that you post the chapter summaries to bring the reviewer up to speed. It seems a I reviewed a couple of chapters of your work but that was some time ago. This reads fairly evenly and there are no glaring inconsistencies in the story. Your characters are undoubtedly developed earlier so by the this time (ch 25) the reader needs no further elaboration on who they are. You have created an alternative world governed by its own rules and raised moral/ethical/spiritual issues in the manner of all good SF works. One here for me is the dual soul-mate thing for L. and I wonder, if you have two soul mates, does that also mean you have two souls? One for each world? I don’t think that necessarily needs to be elaborated but it is a good thing for the reader to puzzle over.
Overall, I like this chapter and think you’ve done a good job developing it and moving your characters closer to the eventual show-down. Good luck with it.
Nitpicker’s list:
A small observation regarding sentence variance. You have a number of sentences, sometimes in succession, that begin with “he” or “she”. This, of course, is grammatically acceptable unless the pronoun is confusing re: which noun it refers to. However, in paragraph one “He paced in front of ….throne. He’d had it carved…” could be “The Master paced in front of the black throne that was carved in place from a huge obsidian.” Or something to that effect, which will avoid a sing-song rhythm in the narration. The “She, she, she,” “He, he, he,” successions happen a number of times in the text.
Also, there are some unfortunate word combinations that create an unintended (at least I think unintended) poetic effect. For instance “spying spells” para. 1 or “wretched ranger” para. 4. You might want to address these.
“Why would the gods entrust her to save this world? What if a decision she made cost all of them their lives.” The second sentence should also have a question mark but, beyond that, “the gods” in sentence 1 seems to be the “them” referenced in sentence 2. I know what you mean but you can replace “them” with “her companions” or something and avoid the problem altogether. Unless, of course, you actually mean “the gods” could lose their lives.
It’s interesting that you divide your chapter into distinct numbered sections. I’ve seen this device before and have used short, disparate scenes to move things along quickly in a chapter. Is that what you’re doing here? The pace seems to be quickening and that’s good if it’s what you intend but the lack of transition may also make it seem rushed and sometimes disjunctive if it goes on too long.
“I just got a sight of all the blood on me and on my sword.” This sounds out of character for L., at least to me. A bit of a country girl?
“The combatant code of honor did not allow for magical healing, unless it meant life or death.” But L. was just healed by Zeke. Was her wound that serious? It didn’t seem so in the preceding battle scene. Or is she not bound by the combatent code?
“Good to see you, a, a, ...” uh … uh?
The encounter with Gertie is a bit of a comic effect. Are you aiming for that? In many quest works, there are mascot type characters (Ewoks, sidekicks, that sort of thing) that are integral to the work but also serve as comic relief. Is Gertie one of these? She seems fairly inconsistent with her person re: Sheridan and helping the seekers. Poor Sheridan seems to be in the position of sleeping with Gertie and thereby “taking one for the team”.
Just where is this burn L.’s showing around? I thought it was on a boob that was covered by her outfit. Now, she’s being examined by everyone but the family dog. This doesn’t bother her or M.?
Okay well I don’t necessarily like fantasy so I’m going to try to be unbiased. I think the feelings of Laurania and her thoughts on having two soul mates should be expressed early on when she finds out.
I don’t like the word something used twice in this sentence. It makes me have to go over it twice. “Patience, my friend. I am sure if something had gone wrong we would have heard something.”
Other than that you have a good pace. I didn’t read all of it. I don’t have too much time for it because I’m a slow reader and all your chapter recaps took up my time. You do write in a story manner which is good in some cases such as you describe what is needed to be described and you never drag things along. Although because of this there isn’t a lot of uniqueness added to specifically the writing. However that’s not needed if you have a good plot which it definitely seems like you do (I love the world you made). So good work and Happy Easter (if you’re christian/catholic or into Easter).
This is awkward: “she only needed to figure how who was her true soulmate.” I believe soul mate is two words.
You don’t need that dash between time and and: “time –and.”
Some mention should be made of how the dwarf’s caves are lighted. The dwarves may be able to see in the dark but some members in the party will not have the adaptation. Also, since the dwarves moving into the caves recently this means it would not be an adaptation to environment. Since the world is to be plunged into darkness, it seems the dwarves have prepared by moving into the caves. This investment seems to me to make them unlikely allies.
The fight with the rebel dwarves was too predictable and I would like to know why they attack everybody (except other dwarves) on sight. Territorial, madness, xenophobia, why?
I would have liked to have seen more creativity. For example, “Mount Doom”, has been used to many times by other writers. Way to often I felt like I had read this before.
I really enjoyed reading this, I love the way that you just gave a brief discription of the main events that happen in each chapter, it is really amusing that way, it’s also a good way to get readers really hyped to read the actual, full legnth story. It was all really well put together, I can tell that you spent some special time working on this competely novel. I didn’t notice any errors. I really like the characters names they are really unique and some of them are even cute.
Gertie is a really strong character, I really enjoyed her comments, and just overall she is a very enjoyable character. There isn’t very much that I would change, at all, I might add a more straight forward discription of the characters though. But, that is it, if I were a publisher I would definately take a second look at this one.
KittyNadem
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