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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Twenty-Four and Recaps (Analysis)
Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.
Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.
Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.
Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious.
Chapter Five –Lauriana grows finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari, her serious boyfriend at home.
Chapter Six – After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.
Chapter Seven –Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow.
Chapter Eight –The Master insists Martika work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.
Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.
Chapter Ten –Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.
Chapter Eleven – Martika, arrives at the Keep claiming to be betrothed to Mikell. Mikell tells Lauriana some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.
Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana meets The Master.
Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.
Chapter Fourteen – Lauriana has a close encounter with ogres. Mikell and Lauriana’s dreams are invaded by The Master. The words “You Are Mine” are burned into Lauriana’s arm. The Master can track them by the burn.
Chapter Fifteen – The Master stares at a mysterious portrait of a woman who died 800 years ago. Lauriana’s wound continues to get worse and needs treatment soon. They decide to go to Tandril’s home. (An elven village). Lauriana takes a knife with her to bed and stabs The Master in her dreams.
Chapter Sixteen – The Master is angered by Lauriana stabbing him, and he makes her sicker. The Master Healer at the elven village hates humans and refuses to allow the healing. Heartbroken the party prepares to leave and is stopped by Maurenthia, a young elven healer who offers to heal Lauriana. After the healing Lauriana must fight The Master in her dreams to drive him from her mind. After three days she’s still unconscious. Petrick has an idea that might help and enlists Jenessa’s help.
Chapter Seventeen – Lauriana fights her way out of The Master’s dream world and wakes up free if the poison. She discovers The Master wants her to have his child so he can become invincible. Petrick doesn’t return from the dream world in time and Zeke frees him. Lauriana and Mikell argue and later come to an understanding. Mikell has a surprise for Lauriana.
Chapter Eighteen – Lauriana rests a few days in the elven village. Mikell decided to ask Lauriana to be his wife. Ash discovers that The Master needs an heir before the fall of the next year. If she can stay out of his clutches by the winter solstice she’ll be able to go home. Lauriana agrees to marry Mikell, and then has a fight with Marcus. Zeke says the planet are aligning in such a way tonight that he can send Lauriana home, but she will never be able to return. Unable to decide Lauriana runs from the hall.
Chapter Nineteen – Lauriana decides to stay because she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t help Mikell’s world. She finds out the Ari was going to propose the day she was transported to this world. Because she doesn’t think she’ll ever see Ari again she marries Mikell. The elven healer acts suspicious and insists on leaving with the party. The party sets out for the Arcane Mountains. Tandril questions the healer’s behavior.
Chapter Twenty Part One – The party stops at Traverse City to pick up supplies and are forced to stay in town because of a snowstorm. Two people from Mikell’s past are in town, Selina, who had wanted to marry him and Kesar who wants to kill him. Kesar finds Mikell and forces him into a fight by having one of his men grab Lauriana. Mikell is seriously injured and near death. He can only by save by Zeke. But, Zeke is in a meditative trance and can’t be awakened until morning.
Chapter Twenty Part Two – Lauriana waits by Mikell’s bedside for Zeke to awake. Master Hartford visits Ash (his mother) and the reader discovers the Ash is really Lauriana’s Aunt, but hasn’t told her yet. Zeke heals Mikell in the nick of time. Mikell goes after Kesar wanting to end the feud once and for all. The Master explains to Martika why he hates Lauriana and Mikell so much. He loved one of Lauriana’s ancestor’s and she left him for an ancestor of Mikell’s. The Master ended up killing them both. Lauriana waits in her room with her cousins for Mikell and the other men to return. The door crashes open and three large men burst in.
Chapter Twenty-One
The Master has delusions that Lauriana could love him. Mikell kills Kesar in a final showdown. Lauriana and her cousins battle three of Kesar’s men. Mikell rushes back to Lauriana to try to stop Kesar’s men.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Winnie catches Maurenthia, the elven healer in suspicious behavior. The Master appears Lauriana and tells her that if she doesn’t leave the camp and come to him, Mikell will die. Martika appears to Mikell offering to save his life in return for marrying her. Lauriana grabs her pack and leaves the camp. She doesn’t get very far before she decides she can’t go threw with it. She had promised Mikell she wouldn’t go off on her own. Tandril finds her and then gets Mikell. Mikell convinces Lauriana to come back to the camp. The next morning after Mikell gets up and leaves the shelter, Lauriana awakes to find The Master next to her.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The Master leaves a red handprint on Lauriana’s breast. He used a projection spell and Lauriana will need someone with her at all times to prevent The Master from returning. Maurenthia admits she wants revenge against The Master for the death of her brothers. Tandril realizes Maurenthia is his cousin. He was with her brothers in the pass to The Master’s lair. Mikell discovers they are being followed. They make camp and wait for Kesar’s men to arrive. Marcus and Sheridan battle a group of men, but one gets through into to camp. Lauriana leaves the fire to find her missing necklace. Hector grabs her and puts a blade to her neck.
Chapter Twenty-Four
-1-
Zeke heard the distinctive sound of steel clashing on the other side of the clearing. He soon spotted three armed men making their way through the thicket. The rascals were coming at them from more than one direction. Four men approached Sledge. That would keep the combatant busy for a while. Zeke would have to take care of the three by himself. Hmmm, Zeke thought, lacking the skills of a warrior and barring combat spells, I will have to get creative. I do so enjoy getting creative.
Zeke thrust his hands out sending a strong current of wind into the legs of the large man in front, causing him to topple down on the others. They cursed as their swords flew free from their hands. Before the men could get to their feet, Zeke waved his hands in an upward motion. Vines on the forest floor began to writhe and poke through the snow. Zeke closed his eyes and concentrated. The vines grew thicker and tightened aggressively around the men’s legs. He wove magic into the vines to strengthen them.
The men looked around wide-eyed, frantically trying to remove the vines as they slithered their way up and wrapped around each man’s body. The old wizard chuckled. The more they struggled, the more the vines tightened. The larger man pulled out a knife and began hacking at the vines. Zeke waved of his hand and the knife flew out of the man’s grasp.
Zeke looked over to see if he could help Sledge. Having disarmed them, Sledge grabbed the last two men by the collar and slammed their heads together. The bodies fell to the ground.
-2-
Steel clashed from different directions. Petrick jumped and gripped the nearest branch in the Pine tree he sat in to keep from falling. Three men emerged from the bushes. Each man wore a fierce scowl as they drew their swords.
The young wizard hated violence, but he knew he had to help his friends, and these men couldn’t be reasoned with. Petrick held a hand out and the men froze in midstride. He circled his finger and the men moved close together back to back. He brought up his other hand up and a thick rope snaked its way out of his pack and began to wrap around the bodies of the men. He had to be quick, the immobility spell wouldn’t last long.
-3-
She felt his hot putrid breath against her neck and smell his body odor of old sweat and booze.
“Now we’ll see if I can teach you some manners.” Hector licked the side of Lauriana’s face and snickered. As he reached his hand down her blouse, Mikell dropped from a tree into the clearing, his sword drawn.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he growled.
Hector’s hand froze and he sneered as two men stepped out of the bushes. “Looks like you’re outnumbered friend.”
“Guess again,” Mikell said. Sheridan and Marcus emerged from the bushes and grabbed the thin man. Sledge appeared and grabbed the older man.
The grin disappeared from Hector’s face and then reappeared. “It looks like to me, that I still have all the power. One slip of my hand and this pretty young thing is dead.”
Mikell’s face twitched. His eyes grew cold like steel, his voice hard. “Harm her, and it will be the last thing you and your men ever do.”
The two men stared each other down, one trying to gage the other’s next move. Lauriana’s heart hammered so hard she thought it would pop right out of her chest. She could feel the burn of the blade starting to lacerate her skin. She caught movement out of the corner of her eye. Everyone else focused on Mikell and Hector. Tandril motioned to her with his hands from the oak tree he perched in. She closed her eyes and opened them again indicating she understood what he was going to do.
A whoosh broke the silence and a flaming arrow struck the ground within inches of Hector’s foot. When he jerked his head toward the arrow, Lauriana took both hands and jerked the knife away from her throat. She turned and threw her body into Hector’s legs. He crashed to the ground. The knife flew from his hand. Lauriana rolled out of his reach.
“Let that be a lesson to you,” Mikell said. “Never underestimate a lady.”
Hector started babbling nonsense as he slowly reached for the dagger in his boot. He stared at Mikell dismissing Lauriana as a threat. She knew he was trying to distract Mikell. In a split second, she had to decide, life or death. Time slowed down. She saw Hector grasp the knife. Even if Mikell could see what Hector was doing, he was too far away to stop the dagger from flying. She grabbed the knife that Hector had dropped, crawled to him, and put the blade to his throat.
He laughed at her. “You shouldn’t hold a weapon unless you’re prepared to use it.”
Lauriana saw the muscles in his forearm flex. The knife was aimed at Mikell. She closed her eyes and ran the knife along Hector’s throat just under his chin. When she opened her eyes, again the world had turned crimson. Blood spurted from the gash in his neck. His eyes bulged. She felt the warmth of the blood as it sprayed her face. She could hear each drop splatter against her neck and clothing. She heard Mikell talking, but he sounded far away.
“What about the rest of you? Would you like to share your friend’s fate?”
The men shook their heads vigorously. Marcus and Sheridan released their captive and Sledge released his. The two ran off.
Sheridan grunted. “I don’t think they will be bothering us again.”
The world came crashing back. Lauriana stared at the dead body in front of her as if seeing it for the first time. She looked at the knife still in her hand, and dropped it as if it had bitten her. She started shaking, frantically trying to wipe the blood from her arms and clothing.
Mikell ran his hands over her to reassure himself that she didn’t have any injuries. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”
“I’m f-fine.” Her voice shook. “I n-never killed anyone before. I never thought about what it would feel like. I guess I am not sure what to feel. I mean, he was going to kill you.”
“It is always difficult to take a life, no matter how wretched the life may be.”
“I think that was enough excitement for one day,” Zeke said.
“One more thing.” Mikell grabbed Lauriana by the arm and pulled her away from the others. His eyes blazed and his face twitched. “I thought I told you to stay put by the fire.”
She shook her head. “I needed something from my shelter. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Your mistake could have cost you your life. I expect that next time you will listen to me when I tell you to do something. If you had not got up and crossed the clearing, we would have been able to apprehend the men without incident. Hector could have died by my hand, not yours.” Lauriana said nothing.
“Well, are you going to tell me what was so damned important to you that you not only did not listen to me, but had to risk your life?”
She swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut a moment. “I lost the necklace Ari gave me. I couldn’t bear to be without it.”
He turned his back to her. “We have a couple hours of light left. I suggest some of us fan and look for the cave.”
“Okay,” Lauriana said. “I will go—”
“You will go to your shelter and stay there until further notice,” Mikell finished for her. She opened her mouth to protest. When she saw the anger on his face, she snapped her mouth shut again. She knew he would physically restrain her if necessary. She stormed off to her shelter.
-4-
“Lauriana, can I come in?” Tandril called.
“Are you alone?”
“Yes.”
“All right, come on in.”
Tandril entered the shelter with a bucket of warm water and a cloth. “I thought you might like to clean up.”
Lauriana looked at him gratefully. She had changed her clothes, but had dried blood on her face and hands and in her hair. She tried to wipe the blood off her face, but started to shake so badly she dropped the cloth. Tears welled up in her eyes.
“Here let me help you.” Tandril took the cloth and began gently wiping her face, hair, and arms. When he finished he fished her hand mirror out of her pack and held it up. “See, good as new.”
She wiped a tear from her eye. “I’m sorry for breaking down like that….”
Tandril smiled. “Don’t be embarrassed. I already knew your heart’s not made of stone. Of course you are going to be upset after taking a life.” He reached over, took her hands in his, and squeezed them. “We are friends aren’t we?” She nodded. “Friends cry on each others shoulders and are allowed to break down any time they want.”
“I guess I can use a friend now that Mikell’s not speaking to me.”
“He is only angry because he loves you so much and wants to protect you.”
“Spare me.” Lauriana’s jaw tightened. “I swear he expects me to be perfect, to never make any mistakes, like I can read his mind or something. Well, I can assure you, I can’t read his mind.” She took a deep and let it out. “It was a stupid thing to do. I let my emotions override my common sense. Not a good practice if I want to stay alive.”
The elf studied her for a moment. “What’s really bothering you?”
She looked at him surprised. “How did you know something else was on my mind?”
“I can see it in your face.”
Lauriana closed her eyes a moment. When she opened them, she clutched her necklace in her right hand. “I went back to my shelter because I lost the necklace Ari gave me. I had to find it.”
Tandril gave her a warm smile and squeezed her hand. “You felt like losing the necklace was like giving Ari up and you are not ready to choose yet.”
She nodded.
“Did you tell Mikell?”
She nodded again. “And now….”
“Now you are afraid that you have hurt Mikell besides making him angry.”
“How do you know all this?”
He shrugged. “I don’t think you have to worry. When he thinks it all through, Mikell will understand.”
She gave him a skeptical look. After a few moments of silence, she swallowed. “What happened to all those men?”
“They left. Mikell asked Marcus and Sledge to follow the men for a while to make sure they leave. Zeke cast a spell that will give the men an unpleasant surprise if they try to follow us again. I don’t think they will be so bold with out Hector to spur them on.”
“What about the body?”
“The body has been disposed of. You will not have to see Hector again.”
But I will, she thought. I’ll see him every time I close my eyes....
-5-
Mikell was the last to return to camp. No one had any luck finding the cave, it may be little farther north than he remembered. He ducked into his shelter and Tandril left. He watched his wife for a while. She wouldn’t even look in his direction. When she did glance his way he saw a mixture of fear, anger, and hurt in her eyes. He knew she was afraid she had hurt him by retrieving the necklace. The truth was as much as he didn’t want to; he understood why she felt she had to do it.
“How are you feeling?”
Lauriana glared at him. “Never better and you?”
Mikell chuckled and shook his head. “I’d forgotten what a temper you can have when I behave like an ass.” He grinned.
His wife stared at him for a moment with a dour expression. Gradually, a smile took over her face.
She wrinkled her forehead in disgust. “This is just like you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“To make me not mad at you when I wasn’t through being mad at you yet.”
His grin widened. “You wanted to be mad at me longer?”
“Well, at least until tomorrow.”
“Oh just shut up and kiss me.” Mikell pulled her against him and kissed her for a long time.
“Mmmm, maybe I should make you worry about me more often?” she teased.
“Don’t even think about it.” He stroked her hair. “Are you really okay?”
“I’m having a hard time getting the image of Hector’s dead body out of my head.” Tears welled up in her eyes and she swallowed. “But I’m at peace with what I did. I didn’t have a choice. He would have killed or hurt you and would have kept trying as long as he was alive. I did what I had to do. I did not enjoy it. I will never forget it, but what’s done is done.”
“You are an amazingly strong woman. Most women would not have recovered so quickly.”
Lauriana sniffed. “I don’t think I afford the luxury of falling apart and I don’t feel very strong.”
“That’s part of your strength.” Mikell tilted her face up to look at him. “You don’t know how strong you are, so there is no danger of you becoming overconfident.” He kissed her again. She returned the kiss eagerly. “I would love to just stay in here and ravish you,” his eyes sparkled, “but we better get out to the fire and make plans for tomorrow.”
-6-
Lauriana followed Mikell out to the fire. Her little brother stopped talking midsentence when she sat down. “Talking about me?”
“Of course not,” Sheridan stammered. “We have better things to talk about than you.”
“Yes,” Marcus said. “We were talking about you. You take too many risks. We want it to stop.”
“I can’t depend on others for everything. I have to learn to take of myself. I have no idea how long I am going to be in this world.”
She caught a glimpse of Mikell’s face as she said the last sentence and winced. She was immediately sorry about her choice of words. A sick feeling settled into the pit of her stomach. She knew the uncertainty of not knowing whether she would stay in his world or not, wore on him. He tried not to think about it, but it seemed little reminders were always present.
She often wondered how she could give him up. At the same time, how could she turn her back on Ari and her world? An easy answer never came. She felt guilty about not knowing the right thing to do. She worried about hurting Mikell, the last thing she ever wanted to do. She worried about hurting Ari, which was also the last thing she wanted to do. But then, she had already hurt him deeply or at least he will be when he finds out about Mikell. She watched Mikell leave the camp. He said he wanted to scout the area, but she knew he wanted to be alone to think.
“You’ve turned Mikell’s world upside down. His life will never be same,” Zeke said.
Lauriana jumped. “Oh, Zeke, you startled me. No more than he has turned my life upside down. I wish I knew what to do.”
“You will know what to do when the time is right.”
“That’s what Tandril said. It does not make it any easier. For the most part, I have been able to focus on the present. But I do worry about hurting him. I can barely stand the thought.”
“Just remember, what Mikell wants most, is your happiness. You just need to decide what will bring it. Try not to let how others feel influence you.”
Lauriana took a deep breath, slowly let it out, and stared off into the night.
-7-
Lauriana snuggled into her bedroll trying to prepare for sleep. Tomorrow with any luck, they would find the cave. There were only a couple of areas left to search. She was almost afraid to find it. What if they found the place and she doesn’t know what to do next? She spent so much time thinking about trying to find the cave, she realized she’d never thought about what to do when they found it. The others will be expecting her to tell them the next step. “I guess it will depend upon what we find in the cave,” she muttered.
“What?” Mikell asked looking at her. The lantern cast gentle shadows against his strong features. He looked incredible.
“Nothing, just talking to myself. Are you coming to bed soon?”
Mikell had been reorganizing his pack for the last half hour. Lauriana was sure he was just trying to keep his mind occupied so he didn’t think about other things. She was also sure that it wasn’t working.
“You know, if you want to take your mind off things, I can help. I can guarantee it will be more fun than fiddling with that old pack.”
“Is that so?” He smiled at her, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“You will have to come over here to find out.” She gave him her best ‘come-hither’ look and pulled back the bedding to invite him in. “I’m waiting.”
Mikell dropped his pack and joined her under the blankets.
-8-
She pulled back on the reins, and Spirit slowed to a stop. Lauriana stared at the rugged terrain around her. Realization washed over her. “I recognize this area. I’ve seen it before.”
“That’s impossible,” Marcus said. “You’ve never been here before.”
“I saw this area in my dreams.” She looked at Mikell. “I think I can find the cave.”
Mikell gestured forward. “Lead the way.”
She led them through the thicket. Sheridan grumbled to himself, since no one else would listen, that they were wasting time. Lauriana stopped in front of a rock wall and slid off her horse. Mikell followed suit.
“There.” She pointed. “I think the entrance is behind those trees.” She stepped forward to check it out.
Mikell grabbed her arm. “I’ll go first, wait here.” He slipped into the trees and returned moments later. “This is it. Get the oil lamps.” A few moments later with a lantern in his hand, Mikell led the party into the cave.
No one uttered a word as they walked through the small tunnel leading down into the mountain. Lauriana shivered. She’d never liked dark, enclosed spaces. She could just stand up and having the ceiling so close to her head was unnerving. She was the tallest woman in the party, but the men were all taller, except Sheridan, of course. All the others had to duck. Sledge nearly had to crawl. The tunnel opened into a large cavern. When they all were inside, they stopped looked around.
Jenessa looked around. “I don’t see anything.”
“I am not sure what we’re looking for,” Winnie said.
Zeke stroked his beard. “None of us are.”
Lauriana looked around at the cave. She moved with a purpose. The other’s voices faded out.
Mikell and Zeke watched amazed as Lauriana moved with the ease of someone who had been there before. She headed for the back of the cavern. She slid her hand over the wall, stopped abruptly, and pushed in. The wall groaned and split, a section moved off to the side. Blue vertical wavy lines filled the opening.
Sheridan snorted. “Is that a force field?”
Maurenthia blinked. “I have never seen anything like it.”
Lauriana walked slowly towards the opening.
Mikell’s alarm grew as he ran forward. “Stop! You don’t know the effect of the force field.”
She didn’t respond to him. Something seemed to compel her to walk through the force field. She disappeared before Mikell could stop her. He had to follow her. Who knew what was behind the barrier? As soon as he touched the blue lines, a force threw him backward and to the ground. He jumped up to try again.
Zeke grabbed his arm. “Hold on my boy, you will never get through. Clearly, the only one meant to enter is Lauriana.”
“Whatever happens next, Lauriana will have to handle on her own,” Tandril said. “All we can do is wait.”
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Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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“Hmmm, Zeke thought,”—Hmm seems more like something someone would say rather than think. A vocal “hmm” usually implies thought, but I don’t recall ever actually THINKING the “hmm.”
Thinking back, I don’t recall many instances where you described show of magic. The only one I could think of before now was the Master’s fireball fight. I enjoyed Zeke’s display of power. Perhaps you could add a few other magic shows before this one besides burning handprints and healing.
“Zeke waved of his hand”—waved his hand? With a wave of his hand?
Both segments begin with the sound of clashing steel. Consider a synonym for clashing or placement of the sounds?
When Marcus and Sledge appear from the bushes to grab the men, it is unclear at first who is grabbing who. Consider consolidating the two actions into one sentence: “While Marcus grabbed the thinner of the two, Sledge grabbed the elder one.”
“She turned and threw her body into Hector’s legs”—was she still holding his knife arm when she did this? Seems an awkward move and tough to pull off from a standing position in front of the attacker.
“to you that you not only did not listen”—awkward
“She took a deep and let it out”—breath
“I’ll see him every time I close my eyes….”—gives a sense of reality to the character’s emotions we would relate to. Very good :)
” I have to learn to take of myself”—take care of
“Oh, Zeke, you startled me. No more than he has turned my life upside down…”—this seems to need a pause between “startled me” and her response to Zeke’s comment. Like a pause of reflective silence or something?
You mention Mikel getting up and walking off, but the others are still there to hear this conversation between Zeke and Lauriana?
“they stopped looked around”—stopped to look around? Stopped and looked around?
Interesting twist to send Lauriana in alone. One suggestion about the ending of the chapter. It seems they give up too quickly. Shouldn’t the mages, or at least Zeke, try some magic against the barrier? I would think Lauriana’s sister would try to dispel it with passion for being worried about her, and Zeke would at least offer his knowledge as to why their magic wouldn’t work if he didn’t try to dispel it himself.
Another great chapter! Looking forward to reading on next week.
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the fight scenes and ejoyed how Mikell jumped out of the tree onto the men. The action is very well done. Good description of Lauriana with the knife.
“If you had not got up.” How about, Had you not gotten up….
You felt like losing the necklace was like giving Ari up and ” How about, Tandril smiled and said, “I see. The loss of the necklace was like losing Ari…” See email for rest of review. Sandi
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judy reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi!
Glad this got posted.
Zeke waved of his hand..strike of
and smell his body …smelled
When she opened her eyes, again the world had turned crimson. strike again.
took a deep (breath) and let it out
think I (can?)afford the luxury of falling
to learn to take (care) of myself
inside, they stopped (and) looked around.
Okay, this is getting very good. I like the imagery. I like the fight between the two bands. You did a great job on clarity. Just some minor editting on grammar and punctuation. I like where you left off in the chapter, so now you must post chapter 25. LOL
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Another great chapter. I liked the action and the way magic was used in the fight.
“He brought up his other hand up” delete first ‘up’
“and smell his body odor of old sweat” smelled
“He crashed to the ground. The knife flew from his hand.” I think these two sentences would flow better if you connected them with the word ‘and’.
“When she opened her eyes, again the world had turned crimson” comma should be after ‘again’
I like how you showed how much Lauriana’s first kill affected her.
“What if they found the place and she doesn’t know what to do next” i think doesn’t should be didn’t
“they stopped looked around.” they stopped and looked around
“Jenessa looked around” this is unnecessary, since you just said that they looked around in the previous sentence. You should use some other way to indicate that Janessa is speaking.
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is well spun the intimacy is kept private as it would have the action is true to human nature in the fact that Lauriana would not have under normal circumstances would not have slit hector’s throat but since mikell was in some high degree of danger she became agressive and killed him on the spot. This is very hard to create on the page completely freehand so to speak. It has an almost Tolkein feel but more of its own unique spin makes this an instant classic, well done, I must say i envy your ability but it must come with many years over trial and error.
ShadowsMoonlight reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well done It wasn’t all layed out in front of me like a child’s book I had to use some degree of intelligence to get it. I like how the intimacy is spoken of but never shown, it shows a certain finesse, and respect for those who don’t want to read about ‘going at it’. The end was really the heaviest hitter, Lauriana went from depending on them to have no choice but to work solo this time, and you didn’t leave any clues to the next happening on the other side of that barrier, Bravo.
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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This was great. And I loved your cliffhanger. Can’t wait to see what happens to Lauriana. You’ve had some powerful scenes in here. And Lauriana against Hector is not to be missed. Excellent job.
-1-
Hmmm, Zeke thought, lacking…(Go ahead and put this on a separate line.)
-2-
...gripped the nearest branch in(on) the Pine tree he sat in(on) to keep (This is confusing, might want to clarify, bring in more detail. How can he perch in a Pine tree?)
pack and began to wrap(wrapped) around the bodies
-3-
and smell(smelled) his body odor
from the oak tree he perched in. (How does Tandrill perch in an oak tree, not familiar with this, can’t see the image.)
her eyes and opened them again,(comma) indicating she
Hector started babbling nonsense as he slowly…(Babbling nonsense…you might need to put it into dialog or maybe not.)
THE FIGHTING SCENE WAS EXCITING AND FANTASTIC!!!
-4-
Tandril took the cloth and began gently wiping(wiped)
When he finished,(comma) he fished her
“We are friends,(comma) aren’t we?”
She took in a deep breath and let it out.
I don’t think they will be so bold with out(without) Hector to spur
-5-
finding the cave, and it may be little
When she did glance his way,(comma) he saw
as much as he didn’t want to,(comma) he (replaced semicolon with comma)
-6-
I have to learn to take care of myself.
--7-
I liked scene seven, very nice.
-8-
Zeke grabbed his arm. “Hold on,(comma) my boy,
(I’ve PM’d you.)
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