Thank you for the insightful critique and kind words. I have been considering how to integrate something into the story that allows the reader to have more of a connection with the speaker, so thank you for pointing out that point. I will definitely consider all of your suggestions when I work on the rewrite.
Flash Fiction / Empty Window
I awaken from my dream and cross the floor of the dimly lit room. The woman is there, motionless before me. Her white gown is stark against the shadows. She is quiet, as always. Her stillness echoes off the walls. "What do you want?" I question, though I know she will not answer. Impatient, I press her. "Don't you have anything to say?"
It is raining again. No, pouring. I can hear the raindrops crashing chaotically against the glass. The window tells me nothing more. The only view it can offer is one of dense, balck surfaces. It is a cold adn unpleasant portal. I glare at it, resenting its inability.
I am whimpering now. "Please say something. I don't like the quiet." True, but today it is more quiet than usual. People often say that silence can be deafening. I understand them now. Still she stares, and I secretly despise that look in her blank eye. She opens her thin lips as though to speak, but no words come. She has thought better of it, and perhaps she is right. Still, I want so badly to know what she is thinking. Certainly her dark eyes hide a story.
Her expression shifts into a parody of a smile, white teeth glinting between her slightly parted, dry lips. The corners split from the effort.
I want to scream my frustration to her, but I know she won't listen. Still she stands motionless; still she hides her knowledge from me. That silent grin is her mask. Always quiet; always knowing.
The door swings gently open. Our conversation has ended without beginning.
"Are you awake, dear? Come down to breakfast."
I turn from the mirror and follow the sound of the voice. The room is empty now, and the rain continues.
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burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 -
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your writing is great and captivating. it kept my attention throughout. your imagery is also good. it’s the ending that boggles me. i don’t know what happened at all. this started out to me like a typical horror film where a child encounters a ghostlike figure in the hallway. then it seems to me like the person wakes up from what apparently was a nightmare. but it cant be because they had already woken up from a dream in the first line of this,. so other than the end, great job. keep up the great work.
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seanjx reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked the way you ended this piece. I was expecting that the narrator was having some sort of a waking dream, so it was a surprise that they are looking at the mirror, and upon rereading, that ending makes sense. I also liked the way you made the identity of the woman suspenseful.
Overall though, I felt like this story didn’t pack the punch it could have because I know nothing about the narrator. She gives no indication of why her encounter with herself is so frustrating or why she is unable/unwilling to identify herself earlier in the story. I understand if you want to keep it short, but I think you could add in some explanation of this in a brief, to the point way, and have it be understandable.
-“What do you want?” I question--It is obvious from the dialog that the narrator is asking a question, so putting “I question” in the dialog tag seems repetitive, like you are already telling us something we know. I feel like you could put ask. The same applies for the word “press” in that paragraph. I could tell what the narrator was doing without the explanation.
Hope these comments are helpful and good luck with revisions.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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“hear the raindrops”- here you use “rain” twice- I’d say “each drop crash against”
“adn unpleasant”- and.
The main problem is that we don’t know enough about this protagonist by the end of the story. The intrigue builds, then… I’m confused. Was it the narrator’s mother speaking at the end?
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice piece of flash. I didn’t see the mirror image coming at the end. Quite polished. I think it’s imperative you make it clear that the person is thinking the questions at the beginning; otherwise, she would see the person speaking the questions back to her in the mirror. In general, the subject doesn’t seem to be “mirroring” the actions of the narrator.
balck (typo)
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