Thanks for the review. you’re the second person who’s compared this story to Charmed. As for the Costa Rica thing, the girls are just using that to explain why they’re leaving their friends in North Carolina. They’re not really from Costa Rica, but they do have a caramel skin tone.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Jewel Angels-Chap. 10 & Chap. Recaps
Chapter 1 Recap: Three sisters--Rubi (nineteen years old), Saphyr (sixteen), and Imerald (twelve)--are going into a mine to search for gems that will help keep their jewelry business running. The special powers they have enable them to find gemstones that others had never discovered. They must venture into the Prohibited Area, heedless to the danger. A powerful force compels Imerald to leave behind her sisters and continue forward without them, and she nearly tumbles down into a lava pit. Her sisters pull her to safety, and Imerald realizes the lava had called her name.
Chapter 2 Recap: Imerald tells her sisters about the talking lava, and Saphyr says that she is going insane. Imerald is very mad about this and refuses to talk to her sisters for a while. The next day, Rubi opens up their shop, called Jules’ Jewels, and talks to her friend Carla about how hard it is taking care of her sisters without their parents around, who none of them remember.
Chapter 3 Recap: Saphyr goes to check the mail and discovers three mysterious boxes which are labeled to her and her sisters. Inside hers, she discovers a sapphire necklace and earrings, while Imerald and Rubi have identical jewelry with the gems of their names. The jewelry has unusual splendor, and a note inside claims the gifts are from their parents, explaining how they’d been forced to abandon the girls and that their questions will soon be answered.
Chapter 4 Recap: The sisters are having much success with the jewelry business and take a day out in the town. They are reminiscing, when Rubi suddenly has a psychic vision of a boy being struck by a car. As it starts to come true, she rushes to save him in the nick of time. Afterwards, Rubi and her sisters wonder about these recent supernatural occurrences.
Chapter 5 Recap: Saphyr hangs out with her friend Julia at the skating rink. She becomes dizzy while trying to drink from a water fountain, and the water squirts out by itself. She thinks nothing of it till later at home while she’s working on a broken necklace, when she becomes woozy again. She finds the necklace hovering in midair and is terrified. Her sisters realize she has telekinetic powers. Now that Rubi and Saphyr know what the jewelry from their parents bestowed upon them, they must figure out what Imerald’s power is.
Chapter 6 Recap: Imerald tries to discover her power and is jealous when Saphyr flaunts her telekinesis all over the place. Rubi is also still seeing visions, she sees one from the past and realizes her visions include whatever she’d been thinking at the time. When she thinks of Imerald at one point, she sees a future vision again, with Imerald using a mysterious power. Imerald tries to get it to work, but is disappointed when it doesn’t.
Chapter 7 Recap: Imerald has a dream about flying around a world made of clouds, for she has become an angel, with wings and a halo. It turns into a nightmare when a mist of darkness consumes her, and she wakes up. Imerald decides to try out her power again, and this time succeeds in opening up a portal to another world. The next morning, she and her sisters step into the portal.
Chapter 8 Recap: The girls enter the world that Imerald had dreamt about, the Celestial Kingdom of Kaevya, and a gnome named Evvor appears who is ecstatic about meeting ‘the Jule sisters’. Confused about why they’re famous in a place they’ve never been before, the sisters follow Evvor through the cloudlike world, passing by the most bizarre non-human creatures. Evvor explains he’s taking them to have all their questions answered at the Angel Academy.
Chapter 9 Recap: The sisters arrive at Angel Academy and talk to Archangel Bernadino, the head administrator. He tells the girls about their parents and why they were sent to Earth nine years ago. He suggests they enroll the in academy to hone their new magical skills and be taught to become Protectors of Kaevya. The girls are hesitant to start this new life, but start to see the advantages of doing so.
Chapter 10: Remembrance
Evvor escorted the girls to a building called Kaevyan Treasury. The gnome told them it was where valuables were stored. It was just like a bank, except it didn’t keep money.
“The currency used here is gems,” Evvor told them as they were walking down a steel hallway lined with what appeared to be mini vaults.
“Why am I not surprised?” Saphyr said, watching as someone retrieved a small bag from one of the vaults.
Evvor kept going, turning down other hallways and passing by hundreds of other vaults. Eventually he came to a back wall with one lone vault in the middle, where there was a square door two feet in length. It had a handle with three spokes.
“Now, to activate the door you all must stand side by side in front of it,” Evvor instructed. “With the combined magic of your Jule Gifts, the door will feel the aura of energy and open. It was your parent’s idea.”
Rubi, Saphyr, and Imerald stepped up to the door and waited. After a few seconds, the door reacted. There was a loud click, and then the spokes began turning by themselves. Finally the door swung outward, revealing the treasure inside.
There were three bulging brown pouches, all in a row. Rubi reached out and grabbed one, opening it to reveal what was inside.
“Holy--!” Saphyr couldn’t help exclaiming as she got a gander at all the jewels inside. There was every kind of gemstone imaginable; topazes, amethysts, quartzes, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds. Most of them were the size of peas, though some were larger.
“There’s a pouch for each of us,” Imerald said, her voice filled with wonder as he gazed back into the vault. “We’re rich!”
“Can I see?” asked Evvor, standing on his tiptoes. Rubi lowered the pouch so the short creature could see inside.
“Well, I’ll be devil’s food,” he muttered in disbelief. “I’ve never seen such a vast assortment of gems! You are indeed from the family of Jules. If I had even half that much fortune, I could buy me and my family a ginormous cloud house! No, two!”
“We won’t be worrying about supporting ourselves anymore now,” Rubi said. “I can’t believe all of this is rightfully ours.”
“And our parents left us high and dry on Earth!” Saphyr said, with a hint of irritation.
“I’m sure they had their reasons. How would we have looked arriving at the orphanage with pouches full of gems?” Imerald reached into the vault to grab another sack, and nearly dropped the thing because it was so heavy.
“There’s something else behind the pouches.” Saphyr reached past the last pouch and wrapped her fingers around a long item. She pulled it out and examined it.
“Is that a sword?” Rubi asked.
Saphyr grabbed the handle, which was a spiral of red, blue, and green, then pulled it out of its leather casing. A blade that was as clear as water and looked made of crystal came out. Saphyr held it up to her face. “Wow.”
“And what’s that?” Imerald asked, pointing back into the vault.
Saphyr sheathed the sword again and retrieved the last item in the vault, a large, spiral-bound book. It was titled The Jule Family History in gold lettering on a white cover. Rubi and Imerald leaned in to get a closer look.
Before Saphyr could open it up however, Evvor cried, “Egads! What are you all staring at?”
The girls turned to see a crowd of beings in the hallway. Some of them scrambled away, others pretended to look busy with nearby vaults after Evvor caught them watching.
Saphyr felt her face heat up. “Let’s go look at this somewhere else. And I think we’ll only need one sack of jewels for now.” She held up the sword. “Do you think we’ll need this?”
“We don’t know how to use it, but I guess we could keep it,” Rubi said.
The oldest sister placed her sack back in the vault, then closed it, which automatically locked again. She took the sack from Imerald and carried it while Saphyr held the book. Imerald offered to carry the sword. Then they started to leave the Treasury.
“Good grief, you’d think they would have respect for the Jule sisters,” Evvor mumbled as they made their way through the crowd of staring onlookers. Saphyr shifted uncomfortably when a creature’s ten eyeballs moved within its sockets, scrutinizing her and her sisters as they passed by.
“How do they know who we are?” Rubi whispered.
“They know that the very last vault has rarely been opened and is only reserved for the Jule sisters,” Evvor responded.
Saphyr glanced around self-consciously. “I feel like a celebrity.”
“If we were celebrities, they’d be all over us,” Imerald pointed out.
“They’re curious,” Evvor told them. “They want to see what the Jule sisters are like. Everyone’s heard of your family, and especially of you three. By tomorrow, your arrival here will be known through the entire Celestial Kingdom, I’m sure.”
Even the treasurers behind the counters at the front of the building stared as the sisters walked by, so evidently the word had gotten around already. Once all four of them were outside the Kaevyan Treasury building, Evvor led the girls back down the road where they’d first entered Kaevya. He stopped when he was outside the city and turned to the sisters.
“To get back to Earth, you all must step off this main cloud, called the Nimbus, and onto one of the Mulo clouds, the small ones that transport you from Kaevya to the Portal Point of another world. A Mulo will appear once you step into open air. Once on it, just imagine the destination you wish to return to, which in your case would be Earth, and the Mulo will whisk you away to the correct Portal Point, where Imerald can create the portal and send you all back.”
Rubi nodded. “Okay. Thanks for everything, Evvor. You are a great Guide Gnome.”
“My pleasure. I hope to be of service to you again soon, when you return. It was an honor guiding the Jule sisters.” Evvor beamed his puffy-cheeked smile, bowing low to the girls.
“Hey, do you think you and the rest of Kaevya could call us the Jewelettes?” Saphyr asked. When she caught her sisters giving her a funny look, she said, “What? We might as well put the name to use since we came up with it. It’s a better title than ‘the Jule sisters’.”
“Anything for you, fair Saphyr,” Evvor replied. “You will now be known as the Jewelettes. I’ll make sure the name spreads.”
“Thank you.”
“And you should have something for your troubles,” Imerald said. She reached into the sack in Rubi’s hands, grabbed a fistful of gems, then held them out to the gnome.
“Oh, you shouldn’t give me so much!” Evvor cried, though his eyes were sparkling. “It is customary to tip the Guide Gnomes, but only seven or eight topazes will do. Never any diamonds! Those are the most precious!”
“We have plenty,” Saphyr told him, seeing in the gnome’s eyes how badly he wanted the jewels. “Take them.”
“You said you have a family you need to support,” Rubi added. “This will help out.”
“Are you sure?” Evvor asked.
“Of course.”
“You are all too kind!” the gnome exclaimed, taking out a small pouch from inside his jacket and holding it open. The gems Imerald placed into it filled the pouch to the top. “Thank you so much! I knew Jules were known to be kind, but this is beyond generous!”
Imerald grinned. “Enjoy. Bye, Evvor.”
“Yeah, bye,” Saphyr said.
Rubi waved to the gnome as the three sisters set off for the edge of the Nimbus. Once there, Imerald took the first hesitant step out into the open sky, and a Mulo appeared just before her foot touched it. The other sisters got on the cloud after her. Then they were off to the Portal Point, where Imerald used her power to send them back to Earth.
* * * *
Their living room appeared bland after the beauty and radiance of Kaevya. Rubi rubbed her eyes as they adjusted to the dullness, and looked around.
“Wow. That felt like a dream,” she said as she set down the hefty bag of gems.
“It was just a dream to me, at first,” Imerald remarked, also putting down the sword.
Saphyr had sat down on the couch, running a hand over the cover of The Jule Family History book. “Now we can finally see who we come from.” She opened the book with enthusiasm, as Imerald and Rubi sat on each side of her.
On the inside cover, it read: To our precious daughters: Rubi, Saphyr, and Imerald. With Love, Mom and Dad.
Saphyr turned to the next page. On the left side was a sepia photograph of a man and woman, who wore a suit and dress that appeared as though they came from the fifties, though Rubi knew it was much older than that. A printed caption under the photo read: Topa and Amadite Jule, founders of Kaevya. On the right page was a whole biography about Topa and Amadite, who’d been a married couple and had a son, Alexandri, who was pictured on the next page.
Most of the book went on like this, down the whole Jule family line. The girls mostly skimmed through the stories, reading of heroic deeds and great accomplishments that the Protectors of Kaevya achieved. Finally, the girls came to the last two pages. There was no writing here, just a colorful photo on the left page. The girls could tell it had been taken on the clouds of the Celestial Kingdom. There were two adults and three small children in the picture.
“Those kids are us!” Rubi exclaimed, recognizing the red dress the oldest child wore. It was the same one she’d had at the orphanage. There was no mistaking the little girl in blue beside her either, who had her brown hair in tight curls.
“That’s me?” Saphyr asked, aghast as she pointed to the blue-dressed girl. Rubi chuckled.
“I was still a baby in this picture,” Imerald noted, peering closely at the tiny bundle in their Mom’s arms.
“And there’s our parents.” Rubi traced her fingers over the adults in the photo. Their mother looked almost identical to her, with her short hair brown, unlike Rubi’s black. Their father had black hair that fell way past his shoulders, giving him the appearance of a Native American, especially because of his caramel skin tone. In the picture, they were all beaming like a happy, normal family. Even baby Imerald had a smile.
“Do you remember them, Rubi?” Saphyr asked.
“No.” Rubi’s eyes watered. “I wish I did.”
“It would be because of the Loss of Memory charm Mr. Bernadino told us about,” Imerald said. She sighed and stared at the photo longingly. “I wonder if we’ll get to meet them one day.”
Saphyr put her arm around her little sister’s shoulders. “We probably will. Don’t give up hope.”
Rubi gazed over at the wall that led to the other world, where the clock told them it was past noon. “We have to go back there. To Kaevya. We must carry on the family tradition.”
“Yes,” Saphyr agreed. She closed the photo album and stood. “I better go call Julia. I’ll tell her to come over this evening.”
“I’m going to speak to Carla too. We’ll also need to pack our things.”
“We’re coming back though, right?”
“Yes. One day. If we can.”
The girls packed and ate lunch for the rest of the afternoon. Rubi also took a slow walk around Jules’ Jewels right before Carla and Julia were supposed to show up.
The shop had been like a child to her. She had cared for it and raised it since it was just starting out. She had worked so hard to keep the business running. Now she had to close it down, or at least give ownership of it over to her friend, Carla. Rubi had no doubt the savvy woman could do a good job with it if she had a little help, but to not walk in here every weekday and help customers find jewelry for their loved ones…
Rubi sighed as she flicked off the lights of Jules’ Jewels. She had grown accustomed to her routine life, but she did need a change. Angel Academy was now her excuse for one.
By five o’clock that evening, Julia and Carla had both come over. They sat on the living room couch, beside Imerald. Saphyr and Rubi stood facing them, preparing themselves for what they had to tell their best friends. They had practiced their story earlier.
“Yesterday, we were contacted by an aunt of ours from Costa Rica,” Rubi began the lie. “She has been trying to get in contact with us for a few months now. You see, our parents had never kept in contact with our other family members much after entering the continental United States. So our aunt hadn’t known we existed, till she looked up our family tree on the internet. She contacted us yesterday, and she wants us to come meet our family. We’ve never known any family members besides ourselves, and so we were excited about this. We decided to take up our aunt’s offer.”
“You’re moving?” Julia shrieked in disbelief.
“Well, we don’t know if it’s permanent,” Saphyr explained, squirming uncomfortably. “We just want to stay with them for a while and see how we like it. We’re leaving tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow! What about school?”
“And the jewelry shop?” Carla added.
“Imerald and I are attending a boarding school while we’re there,” Saphyr said.
“And I was hoping you could take over the business, Carla,” Rubi put in. “You can close it down or keep running it. I would prefer not to sell it to anyone else though, in case we decide to come back.”
Rubi was surprised to find how easy it was to fib, but Saphyr seemed to struggle with it more. She was extremely close to Julia. They had known each other since elementary school.
Carla and Julia were silent for a moment, till the older woman asked, “So you guys are Costa Ricans?”
“Yes. Costa Rica is our birth place.”
“That would explain the color of your skin. But you’re absolutely sure these people are your long lost relatives?”
Imerald held up photo album, which she’d been hanging on to. “Our parents left us this. Our aunt’s name and picture is in here. And she’s sending us money to buy plane tickets. No random person would be that generous unless they were related to us.”
“So this is really happening, Saphyr?” Julia squeaked. “I may not ever see you again?”
Saphyr stared down at the floor, twirling a brown lock of her hair. “Yes and I don’t know,” she answered both questions.
Carla sighed. “I’m really going to miss you guys. I’m glad you found your family members.”
“Thanks. Uh…should we discuss the business transfer? Let’s go into the workroom,” Rubi said. She guided her friend to the back.
Once they were done a couple hours later, Carla was ready to leave. She hugged Rubi goodbye.
“I hope you come back to visit,” Carla said, squeezing Rubi tight.
“I will. Good luck with the business.” Rubi patted her friend’s back. She would miss Carla’s beautiful smile, fashionable business clothes, sweet perfume aroma, and excellent advice.
They drew apart, and Carla went to say her goodbyes to Saphyr and Imerald. Once she was gone, Julia announced it was time for her to leave too because she was staying at her cousin’s house that night.
“I could spend the night here and tell my cousin I’ll stay another time,” Julia told Saphyr, who sat by her on the couch. Imerald had disappeared to her room.
“No, it’s all right, you go,” Saphyr said. “My sisters and I have things to do to get prepared for tomorrow anyway.”
“Okay.” Suddenly Julia burst into tears and threw her arms around Saphyr. “I don’t want you to go!”
Saphyr started crying too as she embraced her friend. “I know. I’ll miss you. I promise I’ll come back to visit soon. Make sure you keep in contact…” Saphyr trailed off. Rubi was probably thinking the same thing. Would phones or computers work in Kaevya? They hadn’t seen any electronics, not even a light bulb, in the cloudy world.
Rubi left the room to allow the two friends to say their farewells in private. Five minutes later, Julia came to say goodbye to Rubi and Imerald. Then she left as well.
Rubi made her way back into the living to find Saphyr with her feet on the couch, hugging her knees. Tears streaked silently down her cheeks.
The older sister sat beside her and put a hand on her arm. “Are you okay?”
“This is hard,” Saphyr croaked. “I’ve never been apart from Julia. She was the person I always confided in, when you or Imerald weren’t available.” She sniffled and held out her hand, which had a small gold charm bracelet in it. “She even gave me her lucky bracelet as a remembrance. She never parts from this.” She enclosed it in her fist again and wiped her eyes.
Rubi put an arm around Saphyr and held her against her chest. “Don’t worry, Saph. You’ll see her again. And while you’re in Kaevya, you’ll make new friends. They’ll probably be a vampire or Cyclops, but it’s better than nothing.” Rubi remembered all the strange creatures walking around the Celestial Kingdom.
Saphyr let out a giggle. Then she embraced her sister. “At least I’ll have you and Imerald. I definitely couldn’t do this without the two of you.”
Imerald had just come into the room then and she sat on the other side of Rubi, also wrapping her arms around her sisters. “Me neither,” she said. “As long as we have each other, everything will be okay.”
Rubi nodded, and felt a tear slip past her defenses. She was glad to be part of a loving family, no matter how small it was at the moment.
The Jewelettes sat in their house for the last time that night, remembering all the good times they’d had on Earth. They savored everything around them and hoped that one day they could return.
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alecthegreat reviewed Version 1 -
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“It was just like a bank, except it didn’t keep money.” – rephrase this. It’s somewhat redundant and awkward as it is (and we’re given the type of currency in the next paragraph). Perhaps combine with the previous sentence and simply say ”... it was where valuables were stored, similar to a bank.”
“It was your parent’s idea.” – parents’
“A blade that was as clear as water” – good description!
”...and looked made of crystal came out.” – awkward. Perhaps ”...and looked as if it were made of…”
“Imerald took the first hesitant step…” – the cloud transport is a nice touch, but I’d like more description here of how the Mulo formed and more on the texture of the cloud (is it hard, soft/pillowy, etc). I’d also like to see a little more hesitancy about stepping out into clear sky.
”...with her short hair brown” – awkward. Reword: ”...her short brown hair”
”...made her way back into the living to find…” – living room
Overall, this is pretty good. The story seems to be developing nicely, and it’s quite clear, too. I do think, however, the pacing is a little too fast in this chapter. Give us some more descriptions and more of their thoughts and feelings. You do really well at that in the very end of the chapter (when they’re on the couch just after Julia has left), but it’s somewhat brushed by through much of the chapter—that may help the pacing issue.
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Did the girls have special powers before their parents sent them the special jewelry? It seems they might have since ” Saphyr could hear the talking Lava.
Everyone’s heard of your family, i thought the people in the cloud kingdom knew and had met the Jules.
Their mother looked almost identical to her. Which one ” Saphyr, or Ruby?
Please pay close attention to your dialog. Sometimes it shard to tell which of your characters are talking,okay. If the parents aren’t within the Kingdom of the clouds where are they? I suppose you will reveal that in the following chapters. This story is progressing well. It has some very likable characters, right down to the gnome and the ten eyed cyclops. You have a very good imagination to come up with all these characters. Keep me posted.
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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Well done. You have created a convincing alternate reality and it reads like a lot of fun for the sisters. I loved their world both worlds, the shop, the celestial world. Your storyline is excellent and your characters vibrant. I could not find a lot to critique but a couple of sentences stood out that read a little off, it could be me that’s off of course.
A blade that was as clear as water and looked made of crystal came out.
The crystal blade shimmered and sparkled creating an illusion of sunshine dappling across water. or something similar.
The title ‘The Jule Family History’ was etched in gold letters across a white background. or not.
Wishing you all best. Keep writing.
Kenhbradshaw reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is a romp – a fun easy read. That is a good thing. It is close enough to the TV show Charmed that if it were written in a more serious vein, it would draw criticism – as would naming them all after jewels. But romps are supposed to be fast easy reads full of clichés. I especially enjoyed Evvor and your use of colloquial language for him such as “ginormous cloud house” and “tipping”. I think you lost the chance for some descriptive scene painting when you had the vault automatically close. You could have made that noisy and or magically – or goblin like. If they are from Costa Rica, that paints a picture of Hispanic looks and actions. I did not see that it the writing.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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Good chapter!
“a building called” I don’t think you need this. It’s obvious it’s a building.
“them as they were walking”
“watching as someone” try not to use as in a sentence twice in a row. It doesn’t flow as well.
“the thing” it
“A blade that was as clear as water and looked made of crystal came out.” awkward. suggestion, “The blade was as clear as water and looked made of crystal.
If all three are protectors of the city why don’t they each have a weapon.
“so evidently the word had gotten around already.” I don’t think you need this.
How does Saphyr know they have plenty of gems? The sisters know what gems are worth on Earth, but they don’t know what they are worth in this world. They may not be worth as much.
How big are the bags of gems? That would be helpful to know how many gems they really have. I was picturing little bags like Evvor had in his pocket. Are the sister’s bags much bigger?
“also putting” delete ‘also.’
“Saphyr had sat down on the couch, running a hand” Saphyr sat down on the couch and ran a hand
“It would be” “It’s
“The girls packed and ate lunch” The girls ate lunch and then packed
How would Carla keep the shop supplied with jewels or make the jewelry. The sisters have an innate ability to find gems and make jewelry.
“she answered both questions.” Delete. When there’s know doubt who’s speaking don’t use dialogue tags.
“the living” living room
Nice job at the end with the sisters consoling each other about leaving their friends.
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