Haiku/Senryu / Salty Beads

Haha. Cute. At first I read lovers as flowers. Probably because of the word breeze too, it made sense. Haha. Umm…as lovers, well I guess it’s rather suitable – the last two lines – if they were young ones. So you could consider writing young lovers instead. Just to set the context.

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September 15, 2009

by Smintboyuk

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	81.1% (143 votes)	24.2%

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36	M	Alexandria, VA	October 27

Thanks for the review.  I don’t feel the need to constrain this to a certain age group, and ‘young’ is subjective in any case.

If it helps, the salty beads are beads of sweat.  

September 16, 2009

by stum

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89	82.4% (34 votes)	24.1%

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16	F	Singapore	November 03

Yupp I guessed that.

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Very, very good. It’s 5/7/5, present tense with lots of -ing words, and plenty of natural references and words that suggest that the passage of the seasons (as I’m assuming the humid and hot refers to summer and not anything happening in the bedroom). This has everything that a good haiku should have. I can’t see anything wrong with this piece. Well done!

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September 15, 2009

by Smintboyuk

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	81.1% (143 votes)	24.2%

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36	M	Alexandria, VA	October 27

Thank you.

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Just one word, wonderful. You used imagery I noticed and I could see the people unfortunatly lol and I liked the way you discribed the setting. But the poem is very good and I don’t see how it could be revised in any way.

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September 15, 2009

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	81.1% (143 votes)	24.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36	M	Alexandria, VA	October 27

Thanks, I’m glad you liked it.

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This is very beautifully written. The words flow into each other well, and the title is very telling. I like it.

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September 15, 2009

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	81.1% (143 votes)	24.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36	M	Alexandria, VA	October 27

Thanks

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this is very good and I think I know the meaning…You really know how to put your words to give it a crystal clear meaning.

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March 15, 2009

by Smintboyuk

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	81.1% (143 votes)	24.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36	M	Alexandria, VA	October 27

How about telling me what you think the meaning is, then we can find out whether you get it or not?  Right now your review…really isn’t a review.

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