I deeply apologize, I cannot explain it. I would not want to bias your views.
But if you consider stream of consciousness, you may gain a little more than before.
Poetry / Empty Solution
It is in my imagination the only things I find delightful
Pain and anguish disappear and give way to blight.
In this light
camoflauged decievers arrive uninvited
this detected deprivement remains
unsolved derivement
untouchable I detain
all things held this near
I fear
inibriated I can be
so clear
cower coward
repulse propulsion
repulsive induce, persaude devastation
feed, feed another need to breed, bleed, knead, soggy bred beads
often, nightly fly undisturbed
proclaim freedom
land in science fiction
Distilled comments beg for a new day to come
silence-- it's already present
pride, loathing-- hate what you fear most
a ghost drifting
moaning impatience
denied, defiance,
an ill-got alliance
before, tore, once was is no more
accepted defeat
a long time ago now
I'm aware
prepared for judgement
apocryphal history written for sheep
too deep
this has been an attempt to keep
an old lie alive
well groomed, heart beating
imposing conflict
having to rebirth an impossible, illogical
empty solution
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shane9894 reviewed Version 3 -
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It is in my imagination the only things I find delightful
Pain and anguish disappear and give way to blight. -
Big issue here, you say that the only things you find delightful are in your imigination, that the pain and anguish disappear and give way to ? Blight is not the word your looking for, blight is not a good thing, it is decay, to ruin, to destry, frustrate. This said the two first lines contradict themselves right from the get go.
I can’t really tell if your using a rhyme scheme or not, but with a piece like this I would not sense it is not easily seen if there is one, and go with the words that convey the message best. You don’t have to rhyme to convey the meaning here, so I wouldn’t worry about it. For instance:
It is in my imagination the only things I find delightful
Pain and anguish disappear and give way to light.
And in that brilliance,
camoflauged decievers arrive uninvited.
I am not trying to re-write your stuff, just trying to demonstrate what you can do with out forcing a rhyme scheme on the thing.
Just re-read this looking for places to improve word choices and your on to somethings, especially since the piece has the emotionally attachment that is there. Good work, really good work but you can make this thing great.
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Tattered_and_Torn reviewed Version 3 -
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I am extremely confused. I don’t know if its just because I am not fully taught all the aspects of poetry, but I just don’t understand it. To me, it is just a mess of words and lines that don’t make any sense to me.
I did like this though. “It is in my imagination the only things I find delightful. Pain and anguish disappear and give way to blight.” I liked this because this is how I feel when I imagine things and when I am writing, or listening to music. It all fades away.
If you could please explain this to me or rewrite it so it is easier to read, I would greatly appreciate it.
Black_Pheonix reviewed Version 3 -
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THE POEM IS SO VERY DESCRIPTIVE AND VERY RELATING TO THOSE WHO LIVE IN THEIR MINDS RATHR THAN IN THE WORLD THAT REFUSE THEM. I FIND MYSELF READING NOT JUST WITH MY MIND, BUT WITH MY PAST, AND MY LIFE BEING TOLD TO ME. THE NEED TO BREAK FREE, AND THE SENSE OF LIFE ONLY IN OUR HEADS. IT IS VERY IMPACTFUL, AND HITS ME WITH EVERY WORD AND EVERY MEMORY THE WAKE UP.
Cherai reviewed Version 3 -
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This seems like an experiment in wordplay and I’m loving it. My favorite line is “a ghost drifting” because you can see the drift with the elongated space. The fast-paced rhyming was really nice and played with the tempo of the poem. I’d work on the few spelling errors, and that’s pretty much it. Also, the first line is just great.
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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I think your work is very intelligent and not for the lazy reader. The mispellings are done on purpose and i will pay them no mind. No way would you make these kinds of grammar mistakes. What? A man who has had to much to drink is trying to record his thoughts? If imagination is delightful then you must enjoy unamed “blight in the light” which is a bit of a contradiction. Since when does blight bring about delight? I like the stream of conscience which is the purest kind of writing. The play on words gives it a nice rythum. If i had to sit down and think, i would stop writing. I like non-stop flow of words. It reminds me of a creative mind,or one whose had too many whisky sours, trying to define life in general. Maybe you could do something with the structure. It’s probably urbis though. Everyone sees prose different. This is my take. Sandi
Deadsage reviewed Version 2 -
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If I built a poetry computer, gave it a soul, then dropped it, this is the poem it would create. That is a complement. I really enjoyed this, mostly because it felt fresh and light. random and meaningful at the same time.
Did you mean to put a large amount of empty lines after your piece, or is that Urbis’s ironic contribution? It seems intentional with the last line being empty solution than followed by a bunch of blank space.
“feed, feed another need to breed, bleed, knead, soggy bread beads” -this felt out of place to me, most of the language feels analytical and internal, soggy bread beads just didn’t fit for me.
richardlynn51 reviewed Version 2 -
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A good stream of consceinceness “off the top of head” Some good rhyme and would have been a fast rhythm but stumbled at some od miss pellngs.did you mean “blight”? Maybe you defined it as “keeping an old lie alive” Revise, we all do..Thanks
Fenvy reviewed Version 2 -
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I was intruigued with your style and construction of the piece. After a few reads it started to make sense but to my point of view, my perception of life. The simplicity of your piece, which I LOVE, is easy on the eyes but the theme is pretty deep. To be honest, I awakened by the speaker erupting with these complex words left and right to describe a simple emotion, which to my eyes is frustration. To get out and do something, make the world something better, I suppose but in the end it’s the empty barrel of a gun or thoughtless plan to save humanity. I hope I’m not missing the point, because I did feel the emotion of the piece. I don’t know if I’m misplacing it on a different topic(s). Overall, the complexity does show from the beginning. I especially love the end, I was left thinking scrolling down the white space with different images and feelings. Look forward to reading more, and yes, Zing! at your comment. =P
EMZ reviewed Version 2 -
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Take away two of the agent ratings to limit it to one. as for the poem itself, I have a few questions. If it’s Urbis, my apologies.
cower coward
repulse propulsion
repulsive induce, persaude devastation
feed, feed another need to breed, bleed, knead, soggy bread beads
I’m not really sure what you wanted with these lines.
prepared for judgement/ same here.
induce, persaude devastation/ persuade
I don’t like this poem. Nice pulling out some words I haven’t seen in a while and some I’ve never seen. Other than that, the feeling I’m getting from this poem is dark and depressing. If that’s your aim, congrats. You accomplished it.
Plain_Jane reviewed Version 2 -
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a lot of misspellings
camoflauged decievers arrive uninvited (camouflaged)and (deceivers) correct the spelling
Lines 13 thru 15 seem to be screwed up with the formatting as well
also line 15 seems to just be a bunch of words thrown together, gibberish.. what do the bread beads make reference to??
I’m sorry it made absolutely no sense to me and left me asking what any of it was about. not clear at all.
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