thanks for the review. most of your questions are answered as the story progresses. I will take it as a compliment, at least I have the reader interested in finding out the answers :)
Novel Treatments / Letters From the Edge of Life-prologue-chapter 2 (Analysis)
Prologue
A small tear rolled down her tender cheek and fell into the black, swirling water below. She squinted through her freezing eyelashes to see the mix of ice, water, and rocks beneath the bridge. If there had been a bit more light, Lisa was sure it would have been a photographic moment worth pausing to capture, but the street lamp didn’t illuminate the world quite enough.
A small snicker escaped her lips as she realized the absurdity of the situation.
Here I am, Lisa thought. My last few moments on earth and I’m thinking: ‘Oh what a lovely picture that would make!’ What insane things people think before they die. Or maybe it’s just me…
Her feet stood firm on the cement wall, making sure not to step out of line. She didn’t feel any ice under her sneakers, but who could tell for sure? Her body tensed lightly, keeping her balance as centered as she could. The wind picked up sending sharp icy daggers into her spine that even her thick down jacket couldn’t keep away.
No sense slipping and falling before you jump eh?
“What are you doing Lisa?” Sam swung his legs over the side and flopped onto the cement wall near her feet.
“What the fuck does it look like?” she snapped back, refusing to look at him.
“Well isn’t this original.” He scratched his head. “The crazy girl is on the ledge, threatening to jump. It breaks my heart.”
“Piss off!”
“Woo! She’s a live one folks!” He snickered. “Well for now anyways.”
“Shut up.”
“Now remember Lisa…”
“I said shut up!” she said, tightly closing her eyes.
“You only get one shot at this performance, no encores.”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” The words echoed in the night, almost like the roar of a bear or lion.
Clenching her fists, she slowly opened her eyelids. She was alone, not a soul within eyesight, only the wind, the echoes of her own voice, and a light dusting of silent falling snow.
Lisa took a deep breath, returning her head to its rightful position to watch the inviting waters. A last second glimpse to the sky, she closed her eyes. Slowly, she let her torso lean forward, pushing herself off balance ever so slightly, until her feet couldn’t keep hold. Her body fell for what seemed a long time before landing on the rocks below.
Chapter 1: Brave New World, Brave New Girl
I. Jackie’s eyes snapped open. Her sheets were soaked with sweat, leaving her chilled and shaking. The air in her lungs stung as she quickly released it, trying to steady her breathing. Slowly, her eyes focused, and calm began to set in.
“It was only a dream.” Speaking the words out loud didn’t make the images any less terrifying.
The room was still fairly dark, though she could see small streams of light filtering through the tightly closed blinds. As she began to wonder what time it was, the loud, piercing screech of her alarm clock gave her an answer.
7:00 a.m.
Two smacks later, the irritating thing was silenced, leaving the room quiet again. Jackie peeled back the sheets and flipped her legs over the edge of the bed. Slipping her feet into a pair of aged blue slippers, she went to the window and violently pulled down the cord. The blinds flew upward, bathing her in the early morning sunlight. She did not flinch, or avert her eyes. She simply stood there and waited for them to adjust.
Another beautiful morning in paradise, she thought, smiling to herself. The trees had taken on full fall colors, filling the world with reds and golds, which would make any painter envious of Mother Nature’s palate. The days had been clear, leaving the sky a sharp blue that made the leaves even more vibrant. This day was no exception. Even this early in the day, the sky was a brilliant shade cobalt. The sun peeked over the horizon making the leaves shimmer as if on fire.
She removed a small, wiry notebook and pen from the side-table drawer. Quickly thumbing though the pages, Jackie arrived at the first blank one, uncapped her pen and scribbled:
Oct. 14
It’s been 427 days since the last time I had this dream. Probably means nothing-nothing to worry about.
With a sigh, she recapped the pen, folded up her notebook, and put them both away.
“Hope I’m right.”
II. The Choice Blend was busy for a Tuesday afternoon. One by one people came and went. Some took their orders to go. Others chose to relax on one of the sofas, or at tables, clicking away on their laptops. The sweet melody of a saxophone was replaced by a drum riff, followed by the distinctive thumping of a techno beat.
Jackie twisted at her waists in a futile attempt to work a kink out of her back, before returning to the table that needed a wipe-down. A burst of wind poured through the door as someone left, sending a shiver creeping up her spine.
The day was bright, but the air was slightly cooler than it had been the past few weeks. Days like today reminded everyone that winter was just around the corner. It brought in the odd customer, people who normally stuck to kitchen coffeemakers. They came into the little café to reach for a fresh mug of roasted comfort.
“I’m going on break.” Jackie announced to the scraggly guy behind the counter. She tossed her dirty rag in the hamper next to the register and smoothed her hair. “Where’s my mug?”
“Here ya go.” He flashed a toothy grin as he handed her cup over. “Topped it off for ya. Two sugars, just how you like it, right?”
“Aw thanks, Mosely.” She returned a half hearted smile, which seemed to appease him. He went back to pouring a tray of fresh roasted beans into the grinder, and revved the motor as he bobbed his head in time with the music.
Jackie stepped past the counter and headed down the hallway towards the back break room. As she was passing one of the doorways, she was halted by something that breezed past her nose. A small jump backwards, she looked down and saw an ornately crafted paper airplane at her feet.
“Oops.”
Jackie looked into the office door to see Carl, the chef, grinning sheepishly.
“Sorry love,” He bent down to retrieve his creation. ‘Didn’t mean to stagnate your flow.
‘Oh, that’s okay.” Jackie took one more step back to give him room.
“No,” His voice was deep, almost soothing to the ears. “It wouldn’t be very gentlemanly not to apologize.”
‘She said it was fine, Carl.”
Jackie looked past and wasn’t surprised to see Mesa sitting at her desk, looking up at him over the rim of her red flat top glasses.
“I’m just extending an apology to the young lady…”
“Yeah,” Mesa snorted, turning to face her computer screen. “With lines like that…”
“Forgive me if I feel it important to articulate myself properly!”
“Are you pullin’ my leg?” Mesa laughed. “Cause I have a five year old at home to do that, I don’t need you to do it too.”
Carl walked up behind Mesa and gently placed his hands on her shoulder. Jackie shook her head, smiling, as she watched him whisper something in Mesa’s ear, and they shared a small laugh. She was about to politely excuse herself, when Mesa stopped her.
“Jackie?”
“Yes?”
“I was wondering if you could work a double on Saturday. Sara wants to go up north to The Apostles, before it starts snowing buckets.”
“Sure.” Jackie nodded her head. “Open to close?”
“Yeah, if you could.” Mesa smiled.
‘No problem.”
“And you will be coming round later tonight right?” Mesa asked as she went back to writing things down.
“Tonight?” Jackie thought for a moment before it came to her. “Oh right! Leah’s going away party.”
“Yeah.” Mesa said.
“I’ll be there.” Jackie gave a final nod and decided to pardon herself before her entire break was over. She could hear Mesa’s small, noticeable chuckle, as she went through the door that read: Staff Only!
Sitting in the back room, sipping from her green “Save the Rainforest” mug, she stared at the posters on the walls.
One that said “Smoking Kills!” reminded her that she still wasn’t used to the idea of going on breaks without having one.
“Come Fly With Us!” screamed another in bold, yet unstylish, letters. It was a cheaply made flyer from a travel agency that used to be down the street. Jackie had been informed that they closed years ago. But here was a small, yellowing, torn piece of paper that proved that they had existed.
“Everything leaves something behind.” She said to the poster.
III. Main Street was empty. All the shops were closed, leaving no extra lights on except for the usual streetlamps. The evening had turned colder and the wind more brisk. Jackie tightly clenched her coat shut. She listened to the click of her heels on the sidewalk, quietly humming “Sweet Caroline” to the night air.
The party for Leah was the most fun she remembered having in such a long time. Mesa and Carl knew how to throw a bash, and they had spared nothing in this one. Leah had worked for them all through high school, back when The Choice Blend had first opened. She was as much heart and soul in the place as Mesa and Carl were, and that rang true this evening. Even Jackie, who hadn’t been there for more than a few months, would miss her as she traveled to the other side of the country to go to school in New York.
“She’s gonna be big, you watch and see.” Mesa had said, giving a brief and heartfelt speech. There had been wine, and champaign, to toast to her good fortune. And gifts, of course.
Maybe, someday when I leave, someone will throw me a party. Jackie thought, a smile slowly spreading across her face. That would be really nice.
Maybe it was the memories of the evening, or maybe it was the two glasses of wine, Jackie didn’t care; she was happy. That thought made her just a bit warmer.
Her brisk walk molded and shifted slowly into some kind of dance. Her low hum began to build inside of her, until she realized that she was singing actual words. It was quiet at first.
“Hands, touching hands.” Kick, step.
“Reaching out…” Jackie let her voice grow in volume more and more.
“Touching me…touching you!” Her words echoed off buildings and surrounded her with a chorus all her own. She was belting, screaming and singing at the top of her lungs.
“Sweet Caroline!”
“Bah-bah-bah!” A voice replied from behind her.
Jackie screamed.
IV. “Joe Johnson, you son of a bitch!” Jackie could feel her face flush; her skin was burning, almost like a fever. She found herself screaming at the young man, who was now sitting on the ground, clutching his sides as he howled with laughter.
“You…” He gasped between words and bursts of laughter. “You should have seen your face.”
“That’s not funny.” Jackie slapped him, trying not to laugh, before offering him a hand.
“Yes it was.”
“Fine.” Jackie let go of his hand, sending him right back into a sitting position.
“I’m sorry!” he said as he stood himself up. “Can you ever forgive me?”
“I suppose.” Jackie grinned. She suddenly remembered how chilly it was outside. “Hey! Where is your truck?”
“It’s at home.” He said.
“What do you mean ‘at home’? You live almost two miles away! It’s freezing out here.”
“I like to walk.”
“That’s more than a ‘like to walk’ distance.” Jackie had only seen his house a few times.
Joe lived in the barn of his parent’s farmhouse. After the last of their cows died, when Joe turned sixteen, they had let him remodel it into his own small house in exchange for his work in the fields. It worked out well for them all. For ten years, Joe didn’t need to find and pay for an apartment; and his parents didn’t have to hire anyone to work for them on the farm.
“You really are a pain in the ass.” Jackie chuckled.
“Why, thank ya ma’am.” He smiled as he pulled her in close. She could smell his cologne mixed with the raw scent of farm living. Each breath she took then was all of him: dirt, grass, salt of the earth that he was. It was safe. She wanted to be lost in him forever.
It was a loud clanging in an alleyway to the left of her that broke the magic.
“Did you hear something?” Jackie looked down the alley, trying to see a shadow in the darkness.
“Probably just a cat.” Joe replied. “Come on, let’s get you home; you’re shaking.”
Chapter 2
I. Lisa dumped her suitcase on the bed and watched the dust particles fly into the air, swirl around in the sunlight and then settle back down onto the comforter. Looking outside, the streets were damp. It seemed to rain more and more each spring. What she wouldn’t give to be someplace warm and sunny right now.
Why can’t I just be like every other college student? She wondered. Spring Break had rolled around, and here she was, stuck at home instead of a nice resort or sandy beach.
“What a crock of shit!” She said, unzipping the suitcase and dumping the contents onto her bed. Sifting through the shirts and jeans, she searched every pocket for a slice of salvation. Finally, the familiar box brushed her hand. “Thank God!”
Rushing to the window, she threw it up hastily, opened the box and pulled out a cigarette.
Click. Click. Whoosh. She lit the end and took in a deep breath of the soothing smoke. She sat there for a minute, clicked open her soda can taking a long drink.
Knock, knock.
“Lisa?”
“Shit!” Lisa hissed, blowing smoke out thee window, she frantically searched for a place to stub her cig. Frowning, she stuck it in the soda can. Grabbing a book she fanned the window as the door to her room squeaked open.
“What are you doing?” Her mother walked in.
“There was a bee.” Lisa said, changing the sweeping motion of the book from up and down to side to side.
“There isn’t a screen on that window yet, so you won’t want to leave it open. Look at this mess!” Her mother scooped up the clothes from the bed.
“You don’t have to do that mom…”
“Dinner will be at six, don’t be late. Your father has an important conference call at seven and we want to talk to you.”
“Okay mom.”
“And Lisa?” Her mother paused in the doorway without turning to face her. “Don’t’ let your father catch you smoking in the house.”
“Okay.” Great, Lisa thought.
II. Dinner used to be a grand affair at the Backer household. But with Lisa and her older brother Chad in college, and their younger brother Gabe constantly at after school sports events, it became a less frequent occurrence. Lisa had even noticed when she first arrived, that the dining room table had been housing various projects that her mother had been working on.
But all of the paper and scissors and tape and things were gone now. Two silver candles took their place in the center, along with red silk placemats and the good dish set.
Gabe slouched in his chair, probably still sore from their mother telling him he had to miss soccer practice. He sloshed his spoon around in his soup.
“Sit up straight.” Nancy had dressed up a bit, and wore her favorite pearl jewelry.
Gabe straightened his back for a moment, before slowly allowing himself to sink back to the protest position.
“So, how is school?” Nancy asked looking at Lisa.
“Fine.” Lisa replied, taking a sip of soup.
“Just fine?”
“Just fine Mom.” Lisa looked from one parent to the other. Tom Backer was eating his Tomato Basil quickly, fiddling with his cell between slurps.
“Tom?” Nancy looked at her husband. He stopped everything and looked at them both and cleared his throat with a quick cough.
“Your mother and I got a call yesterday from Roy Barrowman.”
“He called you?”
“Now dear, he’s just worried about you.” Nancy put her spoon down.
“God damn it.” Lisa let her spoon drop as she put her head in her hands.
“He says you’re missing classes.”
“I missed two!”
“He says you haven’t done the homework for over a month.” Nancy said.
“I did it, I just didn’t hand it in.”
“He also said that you don’t talk to your friends anymore, you sit alone in the cafeteria and you quit dance…”
“He talked to my friends?” Lisa squeaked. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “He has no right to pry into my life like that.”
“Roy is an old friend of mine.” Tom removed his glasses and wiped the lenses with his shirt. “We asked him to keep an eye on you. That’s all he is doing. When your work started going downhill, he asked them about you.”
“He should mind his own God damned business.”
“We just want to know what is going on with you.” Nancy looked like she might start bawling.
“Nothing is wrong.”
Lisa saw her parents exchange a look.
“What?” Lisa asked, arching an eyebrow. This can’t be good, she thought.
“We want you to see a counselor.” Her mother said quietly.
“No.”
“Just for a few weeks or something, until you get yourself back together.”
“No.” Lisa said as she folded her arms and leaned back in her chair. She saw the edge of her mother’s mouth twitch. She knew Nancy hated the chair lean. “I’m not going to see a counselor.”
III. Are you generally satisfied with your life? Two checkboxes followed the question. Yes. No.
“Where’s the ‘Sometimes’ box?” Lisa said, snickering.
“Right next to the ‘What the fuck?’ box.” Sam replied.
“Or the ‘Hell yes’ box?”
“Ooh I like that one, write that one in.”
Lisa crossed out both the ‘yes’ and the ‘no’, and wrote ‘Hell yes!” next to the question.
“Next!” Sam yelled.
“Here we go: “Do you ever feel that life is more than you can handle?” Seriously who writes these things?” Lisa checked off ‘no’. “I mean, who doesn’t feel lost or confused or pissed off that their shitty life hasn‘t gone the way they wanted?”
“No shit!’ He said, raising his flask in toast. “Here’s to pissed off!”
“Pissed.” Lisa burst out laughing. Almost falling out of the chair, she caught herself, but dropped the clipboard. That sent both of them into peals of laughter. She held her sides, trying to not wet herself, when she noticed a girl staring at her from across the room. Suddenly her laughter died.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” Lisa snarled.
“Nothing.” The blonde quickly shot her eyes back down to the magazine she had been reading.
“Hey now,” Sam rubbed Lisa’s shoulders. “Forget her.”
“No! That cunt is staring at me!” Lisa shot back.
“Hey!” The blonde looked up, scrunching her face into a scowl.
“Lisa?” All three looked up at the doorway to see a woman standing there, holding a folder. Hastily, Lisa snatched her clipboard from the floor, and stomped past the blonde. Before following the old woman down the hallway, she paused to look back at Sam, but when she did, he had already gone.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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Intriguing beginning. I liked the prologue and all the parts with Lisa were really interesting. The part about Jackie and the dream was got my interest, but the rest of the parts with Jackie I was left wondering what it has to do with anything else and they weren’t particularly exciting. They could use a hint of how they relate to the rest of the piece.
What’s with the italics? There are usually reserved for people’s thoughts. They get tiring on the eye to read for so long.
You have a good start on the character development. Although the reader could use a little more insight into Jackie.
“The air in her lungs stung” Why would the air sting in her lungs?
“Probably means nothing-nothing to worry about.” I like this part, it adds a certain amount of intrigue.
“one people” one, people
“twisted at her waists” waist
There’s a couple places where you have single quotes instead of double quotes.
“Sorry love,” He bent down to retrieve his creation. ‘Didn’t” “Sorry love.” He…creation. “Didn’t…” Or “Sorry love,” he bent …creation, “didn’t…”
“behind.” She” behind,” she
This section could use a little more tension or some foreshadowing, not sure how it forwards the plot.
“She suddenly remembered” How could she forget she was cold?
“Joe lived in the barn of his parent’s farmhouse.” This sounds like the barn in the farmhouse.
“in exchange for his work in the fields.” If all the cows died, what kind of work does he have to do in the fields?
I think the reader could use a hint in the first chapter of how it relates to the prologue. So far it doesn’t even seem like part of the same story. There’s no indication that Jackie and Lisa know each other or any of the same people or if they live in the same area or anything.
“threw it up hastily,” delete ‘hastily.’ You’ve already done a great job demonstrating the haste by the rushing to the window and throwing up the window.
“Nancy had dressed up a bit, and wore her favorite pearl jewelry.” This seems out of place.
“Roy Barrowman.” I think we need an explanation of who this is and why he would call her parents. It sounds like he’s a professor. College professors don’t call your parents if you don’t hand in your work or cut class, they usually don’t even contact you. Especially after only missing two classes.
And how would this man know who she talked to or sat with in the cafeteria?
“Roy is an old friend of mine.” I think we need to know this bit of info earlier. When the father says Roy called, he could say ‘my old friend, Roy…”
“That cunt is” Not my favorite word, but I’m on your side. It seems appropriate in this context and sounds like something Lisa would say.
“she paused to look back at Sam, but when she did, he had already gone.” I think it should be made clearer that Sam is only in her head.
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martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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brilliant shade cobalt—s/b brilliant cobalt shade. Sorry, that was so obvious I had to point it out
Get rid of the roman numeral numbering you’ve put in. Not necessary and it does not belong in a work of fiction as you’ve utilized it
Very nice image of Jackie walking down the street singing “Sweet Caroline”.
Good description
The dialog was well crafted but the best part was when Lisa came into the picture. Nice realistic language, the dynamnics of the family from hell.
I’m confused as to the beginning of the story. Is Jackie dreaming about Lisa committing suicide? Or is Lisa actually committing suicide? And is Sam a hallucination? Can’t help asking the questions, I am a very curious person.
Very interesting novel treatment.
BluPhoenix28 reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, I’m definitely enjoying the expanded material.
Interesting new take on the scream in the introduction. The echoing effect is good.
The main issue that I have been having is that I am having difficulty with picturing the characters and making them more real in my mind. I don’t suggest overloading us with description, but give us more. Especially in regards to Lisa and Jackie, seeing as they are the main characters. With out a mental and physical image solidified in the mind of the reader, its hard to begin to care about them.
I love the “Sweet Caroline” bit.
In the second chapter, I need a better introduction to Nancy. Is that her mother? Probably just sticking her last name in the first time you use her name.
I’m liking this and interested to see how it goes. I’m really like Sam and the mystery that surrounds him. You do a great job with coupling great dialogue with small human actions that make it much more realistic.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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sending sharp icy daggers – I would consider finding another way to describe the wind, as Ice is already used heavily here.
not a soul within eyesight – Cliche, consider revising.
her alarm clock gave her an answer. – Consider changing this to “the” answer. The clock didn’t just give her any answer, it gave her the one she was looking for.
Does the sun make the leaves shimmer, or does the wind make them shimmer in the sun’s light?
She found herself screaming at the young – You already mentioned that she screamed. Maybe revise this to “yell”
Her mother walked in. – This reads awkward with the dialogue. Maybe – Her mother said, as she entered the room. Just a suggestion.
“God damn it.” – No reaction about the language by the parents?
You have done a wonderful job with this. Your visual on the scenery is great and the dialogue absolutely amazing. The only thing that I could find missing here was a visual of the characters. I could feel and hear them wonderfully, but I can’t see them. You have given them amazing personalities and you really should finish with a strong visual. Other than that, Great writing.
IllianaRhea reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t think I ever got to compliment you on the title you chose for this. I think it is a good one, and everyone needs that to hook their audience. The opening scene is better, and the chapter title is good also. I think the roman numerals add a personal touch to your work and these poetic lines are lovely. I capitalized the repetitive letters to show you the flow I found: ”...make aNy paiNter eNvious of mother Nature’s palate, fresh mug Of rOasted cOmfOrt, She Searched every pocket for a Slice of Salvation.”
There are only a few minor quotation typos, which are easily made and any editor can catch. I believe ‘at home’? is suppose to be ‘at home?’ And my line count might be a bit off, but around page 4 lines 24-26 and on page 5 line 16 there is only one quote mark instead of two beginning Jackie’s speech.
Love the bee excuse for mom, by the way. You have very cute character development and chemistry. I like the humor of your work, from Sam’s initial sarcasm to the counselor’s check-sheet comments. This piece has a lot of potential and I think you should focus on pumping out the story line, rather than knit-picking over editing. You have a good plot. Run with it, dear.
Love and blessings to you and yours.
Sincerely,
R.S.W.
caravans reviewed Version 1 -
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freezing eyelashes – frozen seems better (freezing implies feeling them as cold)
slowly opened her eyes (why eyelids?) within sight (why eyesight?) – sounds affected and I say this because this is very good and I don’t like being jarred out of my interest by cuteness or whatever it is.
head to its rightful position – ? Her head has a right to be somewhere? Do you mean previous?
Slipping her feet into slippers – Hmm? sliding her feet might be nicer.
twisted at her waists – ? typo (why not just twisted?)
winter was just around the corner. It brought in… – this is a nice construction.
seemed to appease him – he doesn’t seem angry (why not satisfy?)
I stopped with the picky stuff on p. 5 This is good work. At the end it might be good to describe the situation and room a bit to show why she reacts so strongly to the blond who stares at her. I would read on.
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve reviewed most of this before, so I’m sorry if I repeat my previous reviews.
I like the story, and the characters… most of the dialogue seems quite natural. I’ve pointed out the nit-picks I found.
“small tear – tender cheek – black, swirling water” -I’d like to point out the adjective noun pattern here. You do this very heavily in some sections of the story. While adjectives are great, quantity is not always quality. Why does 1 sentence need 4 adjectives? the size of the tear and the tenderness of the cheek don’t seem important.
“sharp icy daggers into her spine” -I think I mentioned this last time, but I don’t remember. Sharp and daggers is redundant, and this is a very violent image for a cold chill, it will weaken any actual violence that takes place.
“almost like the roar of a bear or lion.” -why almost? why are you giving us options of lions or bears?
“She was alone, not a soul within eyesight” – you don’t have to say she was alone, and there wasn’t a soul in sight (eyesight is clunky) and then describe what she did see. You could just tell us what she saw and heard, we’d figure out she was alone.
“for what seemed a long time before landing on the rocks below.” -very nondescript. The wind is like sharp daggers but the time seems “long” and she is “landing” on the rocks?
“[After a] small jump backward[], she looked down and saw an ornately crafted paper airplane at her feet.” -minor correction
“[“]Didn’t mean to stagnate your flow.[“] \ [“]Oh, that’s …” -missing quotes
“Jackie looked past and wasn’t surprised … looking up at him over ” -Jackie is a him? or Mesa is looking at Carl?
“She [had invested]as much heart and soul in the place …” -I think this is what you were trying to say.
“Even [though Jackie] hadn’t been there for more than a few months” -I think this is clearer.
“And gifts, of course.” -I’m not sure where the narator is coming from here.
“[“]Maybe someday[,] when I leave, someone will throw me a party.[“] Jackie thought[.] [A] smile slowly spreading across her face[, “]That would be really nice.[“]” -punctuation issues
“Her brisk walk molded…” -it grew mold? or it wilted?
“blowing smoke out thee window” -too many ees
“her favorite pearl jewelry.” -just “pearls” would sound better.
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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Water is repititive in the first two lines. I would try to replace it in the first line. ‘black, swirling ‘depths?’ below’...
’...the roar of a bear or lion. ’ I would just choose one.
Intriguing prologue. The dialog caught me off gaurd and brought a bit of dry humor into an otherwise bleak situation. But you don’t let that stop you! Very ominous and moody. The imagery is great. The mystery is compelling: who is this guy that wasn’t really there? The end is final. Very well done!
Wonderful description of Jackie’s view from her window and of the Fall. Your pen painted quite a beautiful picture.
In her notebook, she is pretty quick to note the exact amount of days since the last time she had that dream, especially considering the amount of time that has passed. It seems like she would have had to reference that from somewhere – perhaps leafing through earlier pages in the notebook?
‘Jackie twisted at her waists…’ = waist
I’ve noticed an apostrophe in place of a quotation mark in a couple of instances: ‘Oh, that’s okay.” and ‘She said it was…”
I’ve just gotten to the beginning of part III in ch 1. The prose is written elogently, the dialog flows very smooth and this is very easy to read. I’m floating through it, not even aware that I’ve read as much as I have. This is a great compliment. I don’t find much on Urbis that I can sail through like this, and reading on the bright screen can be a hinderance at times. Neither is stopping your full force narrative. My only complaints would be of a couple instances of comma use, but I am waiting to see which side of the pond you are from. If the same side as me, I will point out all that I noticed in comments below :)
Brisk is used twice in about the same area I just commented on. Once for the wind was brisk and again as her brisk walk…
IV…I would swap the lines of the dialog tag. Like, directly after she yells at Joe, I would put in the line about her finding herself screaming, and the man laughing on the ground, and then put the line about her flushed face after that one.
So, it says how she wants to be lostin Joe, but it isn’t really made clear whether they are an item or just friends and she is hoping for more. I think if they are a couple, you should make it a bit more obvious, and the same if it is just a one-way crush. Saying that she had only seen his home a few times makes me think the latter, but doesn’t confirm it.
Ch2 transition from II to III…brilliant! ‘I’m not going to see a counselor.” and then, bam, next scene, there she is. Very well done.
You have captured your character’s personalities very well through their actions and dialog. I’ve found very little to nitpick at on this one. It was a smooth, easy read. It left me wanting more. I am curious if Sam is real or not…maybe Lisa sees dead people? What has caused her to withdrawal socially? These are the things that will keep readers pealed for more.
Your talent at prose has impressed me and your writing style is fantastic..Keep it up!
RemyEvans reviewed Version 1 -
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First off, thank you for using excellent grammar! Whenever I use the internet I usually find myself screaming at one thing or another because of the wrong “its” or “your”.
I would definitely like to see where this story is going. You have a good grasp of character development. Each of them were distinct enough for me. EXCELLENT portrayal of Lisa as a smoker. One of your best descriptions was her looking for her cigarettes.
I felt the same when I read all the environmentalist merchandise for Mesa (I think it was Mesa?) You captured the character very well, and all the items were vivid in my mind.
And I know it’s a small consideration, but I appreciate your use of a couple unconventional names. Movies and novels make me angry with an endless amount of Edwards, Jims, Johns, Kates, Bellas, and so forth. Mosely and Mesa were appreciated, and made them interesting from the get-go.
All that said, some of your descriptions are more “telling” than “showing”. Autumn is a wonderful time of year to utilize, but I think you could find a better way to set up the colors it provides. “The trees had taken on full fall colors, filling the world with reds and golds, which would make any painter envious of Mother Nature’s palate” left me wanting something more. “Mother Nature’s palate” was an excellent part, and if you do end up changing the line, please keep that in tact.
Another small point of contention is a difficult one for me to even say. I love Quentin Tarantino films, so I feel almost a stab of guilt when I say some of your profanity is unwarranted. At page eleven, the swearing took me by surprise, seeming to come out of nowhere. To me, Lisa didn’t seem like she’d be that agitated so soon, much less to use the dreaded “c-word”. I don’t mind its use in the slightest, but maybe some more irritation could be added or implied to make Lisa feel like using it.
I’m not completely sold on the use of the dream sequence to open it. If it is essential to the plot and just not fully exposed yet, keep it, but as it stands with just the 12 pages, it felt cliched to me. Not really your fault, more the fault of movies and other books using them too often. But it seems like it IS important, so I won’t say get rid of it.
However, please reconsider the line “She wanted to be lost in him forever.” I’ve seen so many like it so many times (the Twilight series alone) that its meaning is obfuscated by its overuse elsewhere.
An interesting, compelling start to what I’m sure will be an interesting, dark story. I saw and know a lot of the places you’re using. Well done.
EllePepper reviewed Version 1 -
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wiry notebook—wire bound? wiry has the connotation of thin and underfed.
II. is that a double-drop? is that a chapter heading? if it is, set it off with a double drop…
II.
The Choice blend….
waists- always singluar… her waist.
ok, yeah set off your section heading…
III.
Main street…
Son-of-a-bitch… it is usually used like that.
I think the reason people complain about the c word is that it seems out of character and out of context. You also need to get us from the bridge to the office. I don’t know what runs first and what doesn’t I also don’t know what these two stories have to do with each other.
The story voice is fair but I don’t really like Lisa… I don’t even empathise with her because I had a bi-polar roommate in college, and this is more bitchy than that. this seems to be intentional which makes me hate her.
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