Do you have any suggestions to which stanzas to lose?
Poetry / time
time
Inspired by Salvador Dali’s Melting Clocks
light falls on the cliff,
water seeps into the stone.
the bare tree,
dying from lack of water,
blocks my full view of a smooth metallic surface,
blue and manmade.
the leafless tree stands upon a rectangular platform,
a stage, now sitting in darkness
the first clock drooped over a branch,
hanging out to dry,
half the numbers unseen,
a hand points to six,
no telling whether it shows the hour or minutes,
time undone.
the second clock draped over the edge,
covering the brown, plain surface,
shaped like a rectangle,
wider then it is tall,
it uses to support itself,
the hour hand close to reaching six.
the last piece of nature,
a fly sitting, unmoving,
around the minute hand,
showing the death of nature,
closer then we thought.
a pocket watch sits beside it,
once beautiful and made of bronze,
the numbers, now black splotches
covering its face.
a golden mouth sits,
visible on a pale smooth sur-
face,
a closed eye right below it,
the eyelashes pointing towards a melted clock face,
not seeing death time is bringing,
the skin they sit on smooth and unformed,
resting across the dark ground.
the final clock rests upon a face,
the six towering above twelve,
the minute hand marking the beginning,
and end of an hour,
half of the numbers coming off
time is uncertain,
all clocks disagreeing.
slowly manmade objects,
begin to disappear,
leaving dying nature and time
at peace.
time,
moves faster and faster,
the slower we wish it to go,
to the point where it begins to overheat,
melting the clock faces
controlling how fast time moves.
time now,
unleashed upon nature and manmade objects,
destroying unneeded waste,
leaving a barren landscape behind.
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Zenicia reviewed Version 3 -
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this is such a memorable painting. this piece seemed like a mix between a descriptive essay and a poem. i had mixed feelings if you kept it consistent with the poetry feel it would have been great, lines such as, leaving dying nature and time at peace., and , time is uncertain, all clocks disagreeing. these are good lines that create a poem but most of the rest of the piece was just describing the painting talking about the first clock, the second clock, the placement of them in a blunt manner, the colors that were used and the shapes were described as.covering the brown, plain surface,shaped like a rectangle,
make it either a poem or an essay. if didnt have that flow that was needed to make it amazing, but then again it is hard to stand up to salvador dali
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imara219 reviewed Version 2 -
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“uses to”- Is grammatically incorrect
I think the idea and concept behind the poem is interesting but it does need some editing. Your lines do not flow well together, which means that the speed of the poem changes with each line. It doesn’t make the poem coherent. Also, concerning your subject you can stand to lose a couple of stanzas. You are moving around what you are trying to say instead of just stating it, as such, it makes sentences longer than needs be. I believe this poem needs something to ground it so the reader feels more engaged with the material. As it stands, the description of the clock is ok but it’s hard for me to feel connected to what is going on.
Your descriptions are wonderful and your word choices are lovely. I can really see the image, even though I know what you are referring to a person not familiar with Dali’s work can easily visualize it with your words. A strong descriptive voice like yours is a great tool with poetry, but don’t become too lost in the descriptions or you’ll lose the reader.
Gazala reviewed Version 2 -
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well i dont really know about time “destroying unneeded waste,” with nature falling into that category and “leaving a barren landscape behind.” yes, time wearies everything, but the cycle of nature is continuous. eternal.
the beginning two lines are apt, but the following stanza doesnt have a flow. “dying from lack of water,” and “blue and manmade” need to edited and given more of a poetic touch.
i read this poem once and i received a vague idea of what you were trying to say- if i got the right meaning then i am awed, but its not put across well. there needs to more of a flow to your words and more of a muses touch. :)
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I have never seen anything like this before. This is unusual in a sense that it gets the readers attention and holds it. What a wonderful way to describe time. i listed a couple of things that i couldn’t understand. Perhaps you can clear them up. It could be me. I liked the part where the clocks disagree with each other. This is such a profound piece because it paints a picture of time and how it changes everything including the landscape. I found it interesting that there is a sense of movement and the reader is transported through time and has come to the end of life. One sees the barren landscape and realizes time has passed. Perhaps the barren landscape is symbolic of death or the end. The one thing man cannot control is time. Even if the clocks melt, time will go on. One of my favorites. Good luck with it. Sandi
Stanza 4 is so profound. It causes the reader to stop and reflect.
he second clock draped over the edge,
covering the brown, plain surface
it..
Over the edge of what? please
The brown surface of what?
This stanza may need more definition. I cannot really get a clear picture of what the brown surface is ok.
“the final clock rests backwards upon a face
the minute hand pointing towards twelve,
half …
I am not getting a clear picture here. What is backwards? Does the clock face with the numbers show or is it turned the other way? With that said, it is still interesting.
leggs1985 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a very descriptive piece, I could see the painting as a visual as I read. I also noticed no spelling errors and want to encourage you to keep writing more.
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