Poetry / My CountryMen

i can feel your passion about the subject but the words and ideas are nothing new under the sun

I love”We’re all we have”. Those four words have a huge meaning behind them. It’s as if we are family, no matter what.

Great poem! Love it!

This poem give me an eerie feeling about the end of the world, and that we need to open our eyes to the fact the we are destroying our planet. I suppose I’m just overduing the meaning. I understood the poem, but there were parts that seemed like they needed more details.

This is an incitement piece about the state of mankind and it is portrayed in a simple terse verse. I really like the phrase ”  planet to planet to universe to universe.” the repetition mirror gives it added emphasis.

It seems the overall point of unity of all creatures, or life, is contradicted by the specifications of “Americans”. As if only Americans are inclusive to this one universal group. I can understand the point though, I just think that most other people may be indirectly misdirected by that line.

First off, thank you for everything you have done for our country. I will buy your book.  
I might take out or change line four. The reader knows you are talking about everyone. I might take out one  universe.
Besides this the message is nice and poignant; a world where nothing bad could ever touch us. I dream of it too. Thank you for the nice colors you splash on us here. The poem gave me a peaceful feeling inside and that is what poetry is suppose to do evoke feeling. Thank you, Sandi

Hello,

Good luck with your book as well. Never being there nor desiring to from any perspective I would much rather pick up your book, which I will do. I thank you from my heart to yours for what you have committed to, only wishing I had the power to allow you to un-see what you have had to see, but then again, there would be no book. The poem to me actually says more in-between the lines than the actual poem itself but it in itself paints a wonderful visual. Nicely done and welcome as a friend. me…

I suggest to arrange the order of words and sentences slightly different and to improve the rhythm at the same time. I feel the poem would not loose content, yet gain even deeper impact. I agree with previous critiques, that the title should be broader. For example it could convey a hint of rotation: “Around A Bright Yellow Sun”.

My arrangement:

“around a bright yellow sun”

of my countrymen

I dreamed

all of us looking

at each other

in different ways

beneath white clouds

on a tiny blue planet

rotating around

a bright yellow sun

me

my fellow americans

and all creatures

laughing crying

hurting

we spin

and the rotation

is felt

from planet to planet

from universe to universe

nothing can stop

our rotation

from being touched

by everything

nothing ever will

we are all we have

I dreamed of my countrymen…Consider disguising the countrymen at first because as the piece moves forward, you are not talking about the “countrymen” any longer past the fourth line, you are talking globally about the world and its people.  I am unsure if you realize that it comes across as a much bigger and more significant vision.

On a tiny blue planet, under white clouds, rotating around a yellow sun…perfect mastery of a literary painter.  I see the use of color in writing as perfection.  You are painting your canvas of words and vision
...and all creatures…keep this as the depth and magnitude are revealed.

The Earth Spins and the rotation is felt from planet to planet to Universe to Universe…again the magnitude!

This is a very emotional and magnified piece regarding the “union of human”.  More importantly is the view of a mature soul being able to recognize it.  I gave you perfect 10s and moved you to my favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aAhDhVnuAM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeRsroass-s&feature=related

I get the message and I think that I get the intent of the format—simple and straightforward. Practical.

That said, I’m struggling a bit with actually feeling anything after reading the piece. It is almost too matter of fact. I don’t sense any true emotion about the content—just a vague feeling that we should be concerned with our place in the greater scheme…maybe that is the author’s intent.

If it is, well done. If it is meant to move the reader, it may need more emotion.

I hope this helps. Good luck.