Thank you, no offense taken. I have made changes per your suggestions in my word doc, but I won’t be changing it here until I get a little more. Also, I used the word “expired” to give the readers a sense of time stamping. This story is supposed to take place in the late 1800’s, and “expired” was used along with “passed” and others… But again, thank you very much.
Novel Treatments / New Breed: Prologue (Analysis)
The air smelled of the salty bay as the girl walked swiftly down the curved road. The morning dew blanketed the grass among the rocky hill. The atmosphere was thick, the girl had to concentrate to breathe. The sound of the lapping waves of the bay breaking upon the rocks was all that she could hear. Even the birds among this hill were silent, if there were any at all.
Only a few solemn trees were resting upon the hill's face. The girl would not be traveling this road if it wasn’t for her grandmother, who may have already expired. An errand commanded by the girl’s father, as if it was the most important thing the girl would ever do.
The long blond hair under her bonnet was typical of the girls and women of Southern Ireland. They’re round blue eyes were a trait as well. She put on her Sunday dress and her cape, terrified of the dreadful walk before her. She had only asked her father once to not make her go, and the look he gave her was her only answer.
Her legs started to burn but the girl refused to stop pace, she would rather start running before slowing. The walk would be peaceful and joyful if it wasn’t for those horrific stories the boys told her.
Alone on this road was a mansion, far bigger than any building the girl had ever seen. She had only saw it once as a small girl when her father took her to Grandmother’s. That morning, she remembered, was very similar to this. Her father did not speak and her younger brothers stared at her in horror as they passed the mansion, not daring to look. They traveled with the horse and buggy, she was next to her father who was the strongest in the world , at least she thought. There was nothing then, and there will be nothing now… which was all the girl could tell herself to keep from the panic that raged inside her.
She remembered the house, its grey white sides where the white wash was fading and dirty. She recalled the roof with torn patches for the bats to fly out. The lawn was a field of weeds with hidden rocks beneath, waiting to slice at her toes. The stairs to the immense front door looked unsound, and the walk was dabbled with holes. She remembered glaring at the house as a small girl, the fleeting gaze that left her empty for the remainder of the journey.
She transferred her thoughts to her grandmother, trying to remember her cookies and sitting with her on the porch. She thought of the way her father smiled as he saw her. She remembered running with her brothers through the trees. There was a creek that ran through her grandmother’s land that they would swim in before dinner. Oh, and the dinners she made, beef stew with all the trimmings, hot fluffy rolls smothered in butter. She didn't want to leave after their week of visiting.
Her smiled faded as she followed the curve in the road. She knew shortly the house would be there. She held her breath as it came into view. Her pace quickened and she stared down at the graveled road. She had sped up so much she was almost jogging. She tried just to listen to the waves, but as she closed in on the house the sound of the waves seemed to disappear behind it. This is stupid, you're sixteen, you're older than this.
The stories were horrid, of mangled bodies and the walking dead. People disappearing in mid stride, silent and unforeseen, so the boys in the village had told her. The boys explained of another, who dared to get close to the house. He was the only one whoever did, and wasn’t ever seen again.
She tried to ignore her thoughts of imagined carnage and the panic welling in her stomach. Walking and breathing was all she wanted to be aware of now. She barely even fluttered when she heard the pebbles move. Mind tricks, she told herself, the house had been empty for years and it's silly to let those boys get to me so much.
Again she heard the rustling, louder this time, and she held her breath as her pace gained momentum. Was that a whisper? No not, possible. Move faster, keep looking down, the next curve is just up ahead.
“Girl!” No, there isn’t anyone back there. In shock and disbelief she had started a jog.
“Girl!!” Another call after her, another shot at quickening to a run.
“Girl,” The girl shuttered and turned at the sudden whisper in her ear, she stumbled to the ground. Her gaze locked on grey eyes, completely grey, no pupil or color to speak of. Her terror and panic then released as she struggled to catch her breath.
“Come play with me,” The grey eyes said, in the form of a girl about her age, dressed in clothes that were dirt stained and worn. Grey Eyes had her light blond hair pulled back in a loose pony tail.
“Play with me,” Grey Eyes said again. The girl was trying to muster the gumption for a response as she shook her head.
“No,” the girl said, “I can not play with you, I… must go see my grandmother.” She was still on the ground, stiff and unable to move, staring into the grey eyes as if hypnotized.
“Play with me,” Grey Eyes said again stepping closer. A sneer melting across her lips. The girl just slowly moved her head back and forth to say no.
“PLAY WITH ME!”
The last thing the girl heard was her screams echoing off of the dead hill. The last thing she saw was the opening mouth and blackened pointed teeth as Grey Eyes lunged.
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Klondike_Ninja reviewed Version 1 -
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pushingtheedge reviewed Version 1 -
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Oooh I liked this. You have something here. The creepiness level built slowly-good job to the end of this piece, extremely powerful. It also piqued my interest for more. The mansion, who once lived there..? I want to know more, which is perfect for a prologue. I also want to know who is the person who dared to get close to the house. And Grey Eyes, totally freaked me out. Bravo.
There are a few minor grammatical issues. I will only point out some because this is not my strong point-only polishing dear, nothing at all wrong with your story.
“She had only saw it once as a small girl…” Saw should be replaced with seen.
There are several comma splices in sentences, one or two is okay but perhaps change some of those up so it doesn’t feel so choppy-it messes with the flow. “She had only asked her father once to not make her go, and the look he gave her was her only answer.” This was right after a sentence with the same structure. In the paragraph above there are two sentences with comma slices.
Peace and Love
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spikiki2008 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very good but I noticed some comma splices. For example: “The atmosphere was thick, the girl had to concentrate to breathe.” You could put a “so” between “was” and “thick.” Or you could use a semicolon. Also, I don’t think “expired” is a good word choice for the grandmother. When I think of the word “expired” I think of rotten bananas. No offence. There is also a sentence fragment. Sometimes they work but in this case it doesn’t. It’s the last sentence of the second paragraph. Also, the word “their” is mispelled in the third paragraph. But overall, the story is very good. The plot is absolutely amazing. I also like the use of big words.
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