Thank you very much. As for how a 16 year old’s a superhero, remember he’s a sidekick, so he’s got someone older looking over his shoulder every now and then.
Action Adventure / Teen Templars: Year One (Ch. 1, Part 1)
Even in the darkness of the warehouse, Polecat could see the guns pointed at him. There were three armed men altogether- two right in front of him, one off to his left. Holding his quarterstaff out in front of him, Polecat thought that if the general public knew about the armed thugs making threats in warehouses that smelled like urine, they’d think being a superhero was much less glamorous.
It should’ve been easy- go in, get the info he needed, and get out. But the criminals never wanted to make it easy. Even with the poor lighting, the teen hero could see that one of the pair taking aim was smirking. Jerk.
“Well, if we ain’t bagged ourselves a superhero. We cap him, our rep’s gonna skyrocket, ain’t it, Jimmy?”
The second of the two, Jimmy presumably, shook his head. “Man, he ain’t no superhero, D. Way I hear it, he don’t even have any powers. Ain’t that right, Frankie?” Jimmy nodded to the man on Polecat’s left, who just grunted. Jimmy focused back on Polecat. “You just a wannabe who carries that lame little stick.”
“Jeez, guys. That’s not very nice. And all I wanted to do was talk.”
“We got nothing to say to you.”
Polecat took a good hard look at his opposition. They’d shot men before, he could tell. What they hadn’t done is stand farther apart. The first thug, D, spoke up. “Okay kid, drop the stick and maybe we just wound you.”
Now it was Polecat’s turn to smirk “If you insist….” With that, he threw his staff at the ground hard. It bounced up and hit both gunmen in the wrists, causing both men to drop their weapons. As the staff was doing its thing, Polecat did a quick sidestep to the left and delivered a kick to the jaw of the third gunman; he went down without a fuss.
Without hesitation, he bolted to where the two remaining thugs were. He grabbed his staff then used it to sweep the legs out from under Jimmy. He then spotted the guns and, using his staff like a hockey stick, swatted both, causing them to skitter along the floor into the dark recesses of the warehouse, out of reach. D rushed towards Polecat, but the hero dodged and then brought his staff down on the crook’s head, knocking him out. He turned back towards Jimmy, who was attempting to get back to his feet, and placed his foot on his chest, pinning him to the ground. Polecat pointed his staff at Jimmy’s throat and began to speak.
“Now,” Polecat started. He made sure to add the raspy hoarseness to his voice that made the bad guys scared out of their wits. “You guys are drug runners. I get that. Good news is that I’m not here tonight to bust up whatever operation you’re running, so you get a free pass. For now. What I want tonight is information…”
“What kind of information?”
“Word on the street is that the various New York cartels are looking to get their hands on some new designer drug called Blitz. I want to know where it’s coming from.”
“Screw you.”
Polecat put the point of his staff directly on Jimmy’s Adam’s apple and applied just a bit of pressure.
“Hrrrk!”
Polecat lifted the staff. “Let’s try that again, assuming you don’t want your windpipe crushed. Where?”
The thug sputtered an answer. “Philadelphia. They say Blitz is made in Philadelphia.”
“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Polecat tapped his staff on the ground next to Jimmy’s head, and then shifted it, bringing the shaft forcefully into contact with his temple, rendering him unconscious. Polecat kneeled to make sure Jimmy was out cold, and then went over to D to do the same. Satisfied, he stood and spoke up. “Okay, Frank, they’re not gonna wake up anytime soon. You can get up.”
Frank stood from where he had been lying down, rubbing his jaw. “Damn kid. I thought you said you were gonna pull your punches.”
“I did. I can’t help it if you have a glass jaw. Don’t they train you undercover vice cops to take a hit?”
Frank shrugged. “We can’t all be superheroes….”
“Guess not. Thanks for the tip about this Blitz stuff by the way. I‘ve been looking for some info on this for weeks…”
“Don’t mention it.”
“You sure you won’t get in trouble down at the precinct?”
Frank shrugged. “Nah. My cover’s still in tact and Blitz is out of our jurisdiction for the moment. My superiors won’t be happy, and neither will the cartel that runs this warehouse, but who could’ve known some concerned citizen would’ve tipped off one of this city’s concerned costumed defenders?”
Polecat smirked. “True enough.”
Frank shook his head. “How‘d you hear about Blitz anyway? We‘ve only just heard about ourselves….”
Polecat shrugged. “Some guy came to me. Weird dude. Definitely not a civilian. I’m thinking maybe he’s a mystic.”
“Weird.” Frank looked about. “So, are you and the Red Archer headed down to Philly?”
“Nope. I was thinking I’d work alone on this case, it being the weekend and all. It was either this or party….”
“Sidekick’s flying solo, huh?”
“That’s ‘Junior Partner’, and yeah. What of it?”
Frank held up both hands in an apologetic fashion. “Nothing. It’s just that whoever’s making Blitz isn't going to just let you bust up their operation. Be careful, kid.”
“Kid? I’m sixteen. In two years I’d be old enough to be a soldier.”
“Soldiers get guns. All you got is that stick.”
Polecat flashed a broad smile. “Well then, I’ll just have to walk softly, won’t I?”
Frank chuckled. “Maybe. Good luck.”
“Thanks.” Polecat offered a brief wave and then left the building. He walked to where his motorcycle was parked. He put on his helmet, got on, and then revved the engine. Philly wasn’t that far away, but it was still a long ride, and he had a lot to do once he got there….
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. It’s got action right when you start reading. I like the idea of Polecat being a superhero then you mentioned a staff…lol…I began thinking of Gandolph from Lord of the Rings only younger.
Polecat seems to be ambitious and determined… i know it means the same thing, but I like his sense of determination. He seems cool and collected during his attacks. I like the tiny twist of Frankie being an undercover vice. At first I thought he was just a grunt who didn’t talk. You know one of those guys that are SO big and yet so dumb that they remain quiet because they are stupid.
In any case, I’m interested in reading more. I’ll be checking out the other parts you have posted. Good read.
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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I got into this by the end of the first paragraph. I thought it was perfect bitesize for Urbis reading.
I liked Polecat and his slightly sarcastic nature and way of talking to people. I think you could double line your dialogue as it would read a little easier then.
But overall I’m interested and looking forward to knowing how a 16-year old is a super hero. I personally didn’t find anything to critique as I liked your writing atyle a lot. The fast pace works well in Action Adventure.
Deacon_Eddie reviewed Version 1 -
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The story is good. It’s a quick read. The action is there and I got a good feel for the main character. The dialouge is good. A teenager with a stick fighting common criminals doesn’t seem like much of a depature from heros past. It sounds like Robin without the utility belt.
The material however is following a very well traveled path. When you say “superhero” you instantly conjure images of all of the superhero comics, graphic novels, animation, televisoin shows, and films that has come before. That is a lot of ground already covered. The trick is to do something that stands out.
I hope you have something that will make your story special. I don’t know what that could be. I feel like it’s all been done. It’s hard to tell from what you’ve written so far. After all, this is just the begining of your story.
Anyway, keep developing your characters and your plot.
Write On
JesusFreak reviewed Version 1 -
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it may just be me but this part seems to be a bit repetive
his temple, rendering him unconscious. Polecat kneeled to make sure Jimmy was out cold,
he was just knocked uncouncious and yet he checks, if its know to be knocked out then ther is no reason to check.
in tact
intact
the story is intriguing and well planned
and leaves me wondering whats going to happen next
pale_face_lace reviewed Version 1 -
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Great first sentence. Always good to start on action (in this genre).
“get the info he needed,” consider “information.”
“D rushed towards Polecat,” toward.
“Polecat flashed a broad smile. “Well then, I’ll just have to walk softly, won’t I?”” Thank god you’ve got a clever hero. I’m so sick of brawn-and-no-brains stories.
I loved it. I can’t wait to read more. I like that you left “Polecat,” “Blitz,” and “Red Archer” unexplained; it leaves the reader salivating for more. It’s a perfect little teaser.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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There were three armed men altogether- two right – Lose the hyphens like this one, as they make your sentences read awkwardly.
You should also give more of a visual on the warehouse. Let us see and feel it, as well as smell it.
“Jeez, guys. That’s not very nice. And all I wanted to do was talk.” – Use commas here, not periods. Periods force the reader to stop, and too much stop and go will wear the reader down, forcing them to put the piece down.
How about a description of polecat, so that we can see him as the action is taking place.
New York doesn’t have Cartels, that is a Spanish term. New York has gangs.
I like the story here, but you really need to work on your narrative and showing everything to us. We need to see the setting and the characters. Pull us into the story that is playing out in your mind.
Kidatheartwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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We know Polecat’s a teenager and a superhero, but you should describe what he’s wearing. Is he wearing a cape and outfit like Superman? Is he in his jammies, lol, you have to describe this to your audience. Sometimes just saying he’s a superhero is vague as far as description goes. The same goes with Frank. What’s his role in the story?
THis story seems pretty original; I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like it before. I think with some sound words when you knock out the crooks or any other sound words to help give us that 3D feel like we’re there would go well. Sound words are like Whack, thump, boom, etc. Oh, and describing the warehouse helps too, like smell, how big it seems inside, what it basically looks like. Is it a large warehouse/small? what is its primary shape?
Going back to Polecat, where did he get that gem of a name? A polecat, I think, is another name for a skunk. Is he dressed like Pepe le pew? Not to tease the poor kid, but… What color hair does Polecat have? I’m sure this superhero stuff is a cover like superman was when he was Clark Kent. Again, descriptions help us picture the scenes easier. Just something to consider. YOu need to paint us a picture so we can see what you want us to see.
Fido reviewed Version 1 -
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”’Jeez, guys. That’s not very nice. And all I wanted to do was talk.’
‘We got nothing to say to you.’”
You should probably tell us who’s doing the talking here, some people may get confused.
““Now,” Polecat started. He made sure to add the raspy hoarseness to his voice that made the bad guys scared out of their wits.”
Not sure if I’d ever be scared out of my wits of someone calling himself “Polecat”. A names a name, and it’s your story, but I’d reconsider that if you want his name to sound intimidating. Again, your call.
“Nah. My cover’s still in tact and Blitz is…”
Intact is one word.
“Polecat flashed a broad smile. ‘Well then, I’ll just have to walk softly, won’t I?’”
I like this line a lot, and if it’s a Teddy Roosevelt reference, he actually says “Speak softly, but carry a big stick,” not walk softly.
Now that all the technical stuff’s out of the way, I liked this a whole hell of a lot. It seems like it could shape up to be a bit like Watchmen before the Keene Act. If you’re going to post more of this, I’d like you to let me know if it’s not too much trouble. I’m hooked.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I like original stories…and so far this work. I got a little lost during his conversation with Frank, but by the end I got what you were talking about. I avoid the action section on Urbis because some people do really bad jobs with fight scenes. Your fight scene wasnt to over complicated. So far this story on lacks a background of who Polecat really is, but I’m sure in future chapters we’ll learn more about him. Already I want to see him around kids his age.
lightningeyes reviewed Version 1 -
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Not a bad action scene here. From the title I was afraid it might be a little cliche’, but you sidestepped that quite well.
Now you need to add some spit and polish to it.
Do a read aloud. This will help you find spots where the sentences don’t flow well. For example: “Holding his quarterstaff out in front of him, Polecat thought that if the general public knew about the armed thugs making threats in warehouses that smelled like urine, they’d think being a superhero was much less glamorous.” This line is okay as is, changing it up a bit might make it easier to read and a little more dynamic:
‘Ya know’ Polecat thought, holding his quarterstaff out in front of him ‘if the general public knew that armed thugs made threats in warehouses that smelled like urine, they’d know that being a superhero isn’t as glamorous as it would seem.’ (Just an idea)
Watch out for repetition (you use the words “hero” and “superhero” way too much.)
“Sidekick’s flying solo…‘Junior Partner’, and yeah. What of it?” I was confused for a bit here. Initially I thought it meant that his sidekick was off for the night, but after the second time I realized that he was the sidekick. (Just bringing it up quick, if you find others getting confused as well, you may want to look into rewording things. If no one else mentions it, disreguard.)
Other than that, well done. I loved the twist with the under-cover cop. Didn’t see it coming, and that is something you will want to keep doing-keep your readers on their toes.
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