Poetry / Absoloute Hate.

How do i start
I'l give it a go
And call you a tart
Then soon you'll know
It was never ment to be
It was all in your head
So now you shall see
Our friendship is dead

I'l explain it on bold
Its because of our past
Our future is cold
You always put me last
So thats what im told
It happened so fast
Now my life has been sold

So please i beg and i ask
Please let me be
Its not much of a task
Then soon you will see
That i was put last
When u cheated on me!
 

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RemmickDF avatar General Stranger

February 10, 2009

RemmickDF

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RemmickDF reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

There is a problem with the meter of this poem.  

Which makes the rhyming seem to bog down in places.  

In some places it is pretty close.

Example:

How do i start                  (4 beats)
I’l give it a go                   (4 beats)
And call you a tart        (5 beats)
Then soon you’ll know        (4 beats)

You may want to try :

How do i start                  (4 beats)
I’ll give it a go                   (4 beats)
call you a tart                (4 beats)
So you will know                (4 beats)

In the second of the stanza you have more work to do

It was never ment to be        (7 beats)
It was all in your head        (6 beats)
So now you shall see        (5 beats)
Our friendship is dead        (5 beats)

As an example you could try:

Not meant to be                 (4 beats)
All in your head                (4 beats)
Now you shall see                (4 beats)
Friendship is dead                (4 beats)

Trying to keep all the lines four beats will be hard, but if you could pull it off you may have a little poison pen jewel here.  Sounds almost like a song.  

You may want to increase the number of beats to 6 and give yourself a little more room.

Good luck.

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Fearless87 avatar

Fearless87

Age: 22
Loc: Australia
Gen: M
Last Login: December 06
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