Thankyou for such an insightful review. I am grateful that someone took the timew to see the message and not just the mistakes and still reached out to help me….ThankYou Again…..
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Poetry / Your out of time
I've got no time for you so don't include me in a future with you
Don't come telling me how much better you are and will be.
If only I'd soften my heart and give you another chance with me.
How stupid would I have to be to let you give more pain to me.
Now, I can laugh in your face and feel small satisfaction,
As you drop your head and hid your face in disgrace.
You have no more control over me,
My eyes have opened and now I see.
Your honeyed words are bitter to my ears ,
I know they are as faulty as your smile.
You say that your a victom
I say you have yourself to blame.
Mommy and daddy still bailing you out,
Things haven't changed it's still the same.
Your a man who is in his late fortys, yet you aren't grown.
So have a pity party, pop a ballon or two,
we all know all that it's all about is you.
Your children have disowned you,
and you family ignore your calls.
You turned into something no body like, no not even you.
You were always biting off more than you could chew.
Now nobody has time for you time and all your sputter.
Your the only one falling for those lies you utter.
Lord know thats all you can do.
Your silver tongue has turned to rust.
And instead of love all you have left is lust.
No, I don't have time for the likes of you,
Thank God all Mighty I have better things to do.
Vickie Lollis
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Dark_Lady reviewed Version 2 -
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The misspelled words is the main reason why I gave a lower score for being seen by an agent or wanting it to be seen by publishers and agents or lit mag publishing.
It is (I repeat…) it is NOT because it does not have quality—but you surely don’t want to set yourself up for the bottom of the pile for misspellings!
Artistically and expressively you will see that I gave it a ‘9’ and an ‘8’ on its artistic and poetical merit. You show such depth of emotion and the rawness of a heartbreak--tempered like steel in fire--after time has passed and as you look backwards and survey it all.
Powerful stuff, right here!
Just go through and fix the glaring misspellings that detract reader attention.. and you’re gold!
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Hannibal reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay. You have the passion and the messege.
Now you have to trim and carve each line to a knifes sharp edge.
These words were meant to be hard to take.
For example;
“I’ve got no time for you so don’t include me in what you want to do.
Don’t come telling me what a better man you could be,”
may be;
“I’ve got no time for you, I’m not a part of what you do
What you could or will be, is simply worthless to me”
Also in the third to last line, maybe replace “sex” with “love”.
Of course, only you can write what’s right.
But trim phrases and remove any lines that have already been said in other lines.
Hannibal
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