Thanks for reading and reviewing. The girl in my poem is old enough to know the risks and consequences, but loves beyond her fears (I wanted to show accountability) I also wanted to remember that immature…toxic…addictive love exists and happens at many junctures in our lives? Is that fair?
Poetry / Forgiving Sin (Analysis)
And though he is her biggest sin,
she falls in love with him again.
He posesses little knowledge of her needs,
one man on her mind, one hunger to feed.
The danger of him intrigues her beyond,
all understanding of how she's been wronged.
Her loyal heart can't stop aching within,
she'll never consider leaving him.
Swears she feels the depth of his pain,
confusion erupting inside his brain.
The jaded emotions that he owns,
she knows can leave her all alone.
And with her forgiveness of his sins,
she falls in love with him again.
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billyblueboy reviewed Version 1 -
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It would be better if you used fewer adjectives and had more action, and you might also want to work on your meter a little more. . . it doesn’t sound like natural speech when read aloud. On the other hand, your rhymes are good ones, and the last two lines in particular were moving.
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msaraann reviewed Version 1 -
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I graduated high school in 1995. That’s my frame of reference, so I wonder how old your girl is. She feels young, and brings to mind my first boyfriend whom I married despite knowing it was a bad idea. I had that addictive “love.” Trying to be everything for him, forgiving, understanding, etc., with little reciprocity, perhaps just because he was a young inexperienced man.
I like how you repeat “she falls in love with him again” at the beginning and end to show how this cycle can go on and on. And you use lots of pain-addiction language. You did well with this poem. Nothing jumps out at me to suggest to change.
Perhaps, since you specifically pointed out that it’s 1995, you could somehow work that “deep thoughts,” sort of depressing, Nineties atmosphere into the poem.
williampsmith reviewed Version 1 -
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Rhyming poems are hard to judge and see faults. Your theme and flow for this poem was maintained throughout the poem. But, you need to ad substance into your poems:
And though he is her biggest sin,
she falls in love with him again.
Using the top line as the beginning line as the introduction, then the second line of the verse explaining what the sin is and third line explaining why you fell in love again.
This poem could be really great with a little work.
RemyEvans reviewed Version 1 -
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Been. There. Not as the man in question, but as an observer of the girl in question. “Possesses” might be a syllable too long for that line. I think the third stanza would work better without the comma, so we know it’s really one complete sentence. “Aching” might have the same problem, but I’m not quite sure about that one. I think you could sneak an “of” into the second line of the fifth stanza.
Still, I love the delivery and full-circle nature of this piece. Might I infer that you, too, were the observer of a girl who just couldn’t get over the wrong guy?
Absynthe reviewed Version 1 -
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What I really like about this particular poem is that I feel like you, the author, is emotionally invested in it, giving the verse a certain degree of authenticity and honesty that I can not help but appreciate. My biggest suggestion is to read this poem aloud and really hear the rhythm and musicality of the lines, and try to mark all of the places where the line does not simply read naturally. Poetry should flow off the tongue. For example, the word “posesses” (which is spelled possesses, by the way, as a side note) would be much better replaced by a shorter word (generally I feel like that line needs tweaking).
Overall a nice poem. I see a lot of potential here. Though I think you may want to consider writing lyrics, as your particular style seems more suited for it.
mckinleycooper reviewed Version 1 -
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Every word in this work is used purposefully--no waste--crafted expertly. More than that, the meaning is so human. There are fingerprints all over this—spoken by a voice who knows.
Excellent poetry!
McKinley
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