Poetry / Lost?

loved the play on words.

this is a unique poem and I see the movement in it. Your rhyming is to be congratulated on. Sounds like you improvised with some of the lines. Use of punctuation would look real nice with this poem.

Hello,

I always crave the unique and wow, here it lie before me, in all its mastered glory. I know how hard this had to be just to lay it out so, with Urbis holding the simple controls of spacing so tightly. You did a wonderful job here, proving it can be done! Your shear imagination here is great. I love the variety of the messages you convey here so cleverly, I might add. Well done! The closure line kills! Great job.

Do you know             where (to) you’re going… remove (to) it will flow better

Wonder why this nation   wonder why this nation what? incomplete

  pi e ces     spaces between the letters of this word??? confusing.

I’m not sure how I feel about this piece. Some of it seems very poetic and beautiful ‘collapse between breaths over and under

listen to whispers spoken through thunder’  others just confuse and make me think you just wrote words cause they rhymed ‘blah blah blue not blinking

something something drinking’

I can see your clear (and let’s face it, effective) rhyme scheme, but there are a couple of points which seem a bit forced, such as:
“Dream             drearily

Smile               queerly”

I don’t know if there is an alternative word for one of these, but replacing it may help the poem.

I’m not a poet (I try to be, but I’m not) nor am I a publisher, so take this advice how you will. I don’t think the aesthetics of certain words (“broken in         pi e ces                    your old mind asunder” and “whispers”) portrays you in a particularly professional light.