Romance / The River: The Unsung Love Story - Chapter One
The River Cristina Marrero
Chapter 1
They say that love is a wild fire that can not be contained by any mere element known to man. In the spring of '92 I discovered just how true that statement really was.
I remember sitting on a wooden crate outside of Mr. Lawson's Grocery, just carving away at a piece of wood I had found while walking back home from The River. I had a thing for wood and carving, and I'd often be found just sitting on the banks of The River, lost in the beauty of nature. Carving whatever my imagination could think up.
Now, “The River” was not exactly a river, more like a large lake that wound around; almost like a horse shoe, you might say. I just liked to call it, The River. You see, before my daddy passed away, he and I used to go out there, and even though I was only knee high to a grasshopper, I remember daddy and I making rafts and going out on the water pretending like it was a river and like we were explores, hell bent on taming the raging waters. When he passed I would find myself wondering aimlessly through the woods, but always heading back to the same place, and the same spot. Always back to The River. I suppose, to me, a piece of him still lived there; I guess that’s why I go there most days just to sit and reflect.
My mother always used to tell me I should put my carving skills to good use and make something out of myself. She'd say I should use my, “God given talents.” I just tell her, “My carving comes from The River, and is for The River.” Mama would give me this puzzled look. I'd smile and just head on off with my knife in one hand and my wood in the other. Looking back I had it pretty damn good, considering my mama wanted me to do something with my life other than cook and clean. I don't have to tell you how rare that was in a small southern town in the late 1800's.
But, back to outside Mr. Lawson's Grocery. On that particular spring morning, there was a gathering of people. Unbeknownst to me, it was Easter Sunday, and the church was having a gathering outside of Macy's Eats. There was music, there was food, there was dance, and then, there was her.
Her name was Lisette, and she was the prettiest thing I ever did see. I was only about 16 when I first laid eyes on her, but somehow, I knew, the second I saw those bright green eyes from across the way, that there was something special about this one. She stood there with a peace about her that I had never seen. Her dark hair just flowed freely in the wind, like a leaf drifting weightlessly in the cool spring breeze. She wore a light blue dress that flowed like the soft current of a river in the early fall. She was earth, wind, fire, and water; and I could not keep my eyes off of her. I've heard the college folk in town talk about the beauty of Aphrodite, and how she was so majestic no mortal woman could match the wonders of her beauty. If that be so, then I think Mount Olympus was missing it's wondrous Greek goddess; because never in my life had I gazed upon such perfect, unhampered gorgeousness. If nothing else, she was that gorgeous lady Aphrodite to my heart and soul.
Let me tell you, I may not have been the smartest person in Green Springs, but I sure as hell knew I could not tell anyone what was going on in my head. I had never really been much for church in my youth. What with the dresses, and the bows, and the “how you do’s” that never really meant anything. I believed the whole institution of church was false and two sided. However, I am not a heathen by any means. I believe in a personal relationship with the Lord. The only person who needs to know, and at all knows, what is in my heart, is he who created me. To that, I say Amen.
Out at the church gathering I saw my best buddy, Billy Joe. He had a thing for this girl by the name of Marry Lou, but the big lug was to shy to ever do anything about it. See, while Billy Joe, was large in stature; he was rather small in courage. Before I left school, he and I were inseparable. One day, a few bums started picking on him during break, and I just rammed into the first son's of bitch's gut and took the breath right out of him. The next idiot was even dumber than the first. He came running at me, full force, and I just stepped to the side, stretched out my leg, and tripped the dumb bastard. He went flying into the biggest pile of horse manure I had ever seen. The babies started crying and ran away. When I got home, there was hell to pay, but it was all worth it. Billy and I have been inseparable ever since.
I wanted to know that girls name, so I went up to Billy and said, “Hey there, you big tub of lard, what you doing here dressed like a down right proper Southern gentlemen? We all know you ain't one so quit trying to masquerade.”
Billy laughed and replied with, “Now Cristy Anne, I know you may not know much 'bout dressing proper and such, but this is what it looks like when someone dresses nice for a special occasion. I know you have no idea about these things, seeing as you are always looking like a horses hind quarters.”
Laughing I said, “Better a horse’s ass then a pig's rear. So how you been you piece of raw hide jerky?”
“Raw hide jerky? Really, Cristy, knowing you, I expected better than, 'Raw hide jerky.'”
“Well just be glad I am going easy on you today, seeing as its Easter Sunday and all. So, Mr. Billy Joe, you made a move on Marry Lou yet?”
Covering my mouth Billy pushed me aside to behind a bushel of hay, “Shh! You know you got a big mouth, Cristy Anne?” Uncovering my mouth, I pushed him aside.
“You know you got a small pair, Billy Joe? How you expect to marry that girl if you can't right talk to her?” I said while grabbing a piece of hay to chew on.
“Is this coming from the most unladylike woman in all of Green Spring? Now why would I take the advice of a girl covered in dirt, shoe less, and in torn overalls?” Billy said with a slight quarter moon grin on his face.
“Maybe because this dirty, shoe less, overall wearing girl is the only female you've ever been able to talk to. And I for one am tired of the town gossip that you and I are some sort of an item. You're hurting my good name Billy Joe. You're hurting my good name. Everyone knows that I will not ever be tied down to any man. No way in hell-”
“Or is it no sane man would ever be tied down to you. Oh, now that's a good one right there!” said while laughing as hard as a child with a new found toy.
“You think you're so funny don't you Billy Joe, but here is the truth. There ain't no such thing as a sane man. There's just less crazy than the norm. Besides, I don't need no man trying to 'tame' me like I was some horse in his stable.”
“Cristy, I don't think you are gonna have to worry bout that. I'm pretty sure that no man can tame you other than God almighty himself.”
“And I say Amen to that!”
Billy and I had the sort of relationship where we would jab at each other. It was all in good fun. He was one of the only people who could understand my sense of humor. He was my best bud, but I still did not trust him enough to divulge my secret to him.
“So, Billy Joe, it looks like we got ourselves some new company in town. Who's that girl right over there? I ain’t ever seen her in town before. Is she here for a visit? Should I warn her about your devious, unholy mind?”
“Oh, you mean, Lisette? And what you mean by 'unholy'?”
“Billy we all know what really goes on in that lead filled head of yours. Don't try and play innocent with me, you dog. Anyway, is Lisette the one in that there dainty little blue spring dress?”
“Yeah”
“Then yes, you rat's behind. Her. Who's she in town to see?”
“She came with her family to visit down here. They're thinking bout moving down here to be closer to there family. The way I hear it, her papi is pretty ill. They want to be close for his final days.”
Hearing that took me back to when my daddy took ill. I knew what she must be going through. I knew the pain she must be feeling. I especially knew how empty it felt when people would say, “I'm sorry for your situation.” It never helped, it only made things worse. I know I felt like I was in a dark whole that had no end when my daddy was sick. My heart ached for her, because I knew the pain that would follow. Now, I never did show no one the hurt I felt. I did not want to seem weak. My daddy told me to be strong for my mama, so that's exactly what I did. I was strong. Regardless though, the hurt is still the same, and it still somewhat resides in my heart and soul to this very day.
At that moment, I could not help but just stare at her. She sat alone on a blanket, disconnected from the rest of the community. I knew the last place she wanted to be was there. I was looking at her long and hard, and Billy's voice seemed to fade away along with the music. I just saw her. I wondered what was going on in her head. What her favorite color was. What she liked to do, what books she liked to read. Silly things like that. I just saw her and was hypnotized. There was just something about her I could not shake. I wondered how God could have found it in his heart to bless the world with one of his most precious and majestic angels. She must have been truly carved by the angels themselves, and touch by the hand of God almighty himself. As I stared, she suddenly glanced over in my direction and locked eyes with me. It was only for a second, but that seconded felt like an absolute lifetime. There was a connection I had never felt before, and, in fear, I broke visual contact immediately. My heart raced as the music around me began to come back to my ears, my breathing quickening, and the sound of Billy next to me saying, “Cristy, you okay?”
I was more than okay, yet at the same time, I was terrified. My stomach was in knots and I was beginning to sweet. My hands were cold and I felt a chill go up my spine. All these things I had never really felt before came to me all at once.
Suddenly, I hear Billy say, “Well I'll be damned. I think she fancies me. She's starring my way. Didn't I tell you I had a way with the ladies, Cristy Anne?”
I laughed slightly, nervous as could be while letting out a slight, “Yeah. You dog, you.”
I knew she was not looking at Billy Joe. I knew she was looking at me, and for the life of me I could not figure out why she, my lady Aphrodite, was even glancing in my direction. She made me feel something I had never felt before. It scared and exhilarated me all at the same time. I told Billy Joe I had to go, and I walked around the long way just as to pass her. I could still feel her enchanting bright green eyes on me, making me feel as warm as a summer afternoon. I faded slowly into the trees, and headed on my way to reflect on what had just happened. I headed to my quiet sanctuary. I was heading to, The River.
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This 61 word review has not been unlocked.
Avoid ticking dozens of Urbis wish-list boxes.
In the writing, not a lot seems to happen despite all the busy-ness. I feel that a “synopsis” – a plan for the novel, written like a review (example below) – would help by making the writing easier and therefore, of course, making the reading easier.
Example of synopsis: Cristy Ann’s best buddy Billy Joe knows all about Lisette, the new girl in town. He’s sure that Lisette fancies him, but Christie Ann feels an instant attraction herself to Lisette and is so scared that she abandons …
Or, ”... is so determined to act on it that she resolves …”
It’s not clear from the writing which of these options the writer has chosen. The point of having a synopsis is that if the synopsis exists, then the writing becomes clear.
I think that 2145 words is far too many to use on revealing so little.
Some technical points. Do not be discouraged. You have to know this stuff. If nobody tells you, how will you know?
“any mere element known to man”
Three words so wrong that they distract. I suggest “anything known to science or philosophy.”
“In the spring of ‘92 I discovered”
Readers in 2008 must be told what century the story’s in. You can say directly “In the spring of 1992” or you can paint a picture of 1992 with words: “My best buddy Billy always wanted a Chev Corvette, but his folks made do with a Toyota.” Alternatively, if it’s 1882, say something like “It took three hours by mule to the nearest station, and once a year the cotton waggons took Billy and me …”
“just how true that statement really was.”
The words ‘just’ and ‘really’ are fillers. They add nothing, not even a sense of someone talking informally. Establish conversational speech with one or two phrases, and then write standard English. You use “really” six times and “just” 18 times in a short chapter. You use “even” three times, “always” four times, “about” and “ever” eight times each, and “like” 14 times.
“make something out of myself”
I think you mean “make something of yourself”.
“She’d say I should”
This sounds odd. The first modal is unnecessary. Look up “modals”. Leave it out. Say “She said …”
’...use my, “God given talents.” ‘
The comma is wrong. The words “God-given talents” are okay. Therefore, they don’t need quotation marks.
‘I just tell her, “My carving comes…”’
If she “used to” do something, then you “told” (past tense).
“I don’t have to tell you how rare that was in a small southern town in the late 1800’s.”
Say “early 1890s”, that is, “nineties”. No apostrophe.
“But, back to outside …”
“On that particular spring morning”
“Let me tell you,”
Avoid comments by the author. Tell the story in simple sentences in correct time order.
“dress that flowed like the soft current of a river in the early fall”
I thought “flow … current … river … waterfall”
“She was earth, wind, fire, and water;”
These four so-called elements are important in some world views. Because you don’t establish yourself as anything except a non-institutional Christian (see “the Lord” and “Amen” below) the effect is that you accept, for example, a Native American world-view. This is okay, if you mean it. It looks like a mistake to me.
“Unbeknownst”
“If that be so, then I think Mount Olympus was missing it’s “
The word “unbeknownst” is out of register.
The word “was” should be either “is” or “be”
The apostrophe on “its” is wrong.
The effect on the reader is probably not what you intended. Look up “register”. Look up “subjunctive”. Look up “apostrophe”. Look up “possessive pronouns”.
“Marry Lou”
This looks like a mistake for “Mary”
“while BJ, was large in stature; he was rather small in courage.”
The comma is wrong. The semicolon is wrong. Look up “comma”. Look up “semicolon”.
“the first son’s of bitch’s gut”
Say “the first son-of-a-bitch’s gut”
“girls name”
Needs an apostrophe
“a Southern gentlemen”
Gentleman singular
“bushel of hay”
I expected “bale of hay”. Neither a bushel nor a bale (in 1892) was big enough to hide behind. For interest, hay-bales in NZ these days are cylinders covered in plastic and stored upright like wheels. They’re two metres in diameter and a metre across.
That’s enough work to go on with! I hope I haven’t put you off. You may be able to join a writing class at a local secondary school or library.
Kind regards
Ann
- add/view comments (1)
“horse shoe”...should be one word
“explores”...explorers
“Greek goddess; because never in”...either get rid of the semi-colon or “because”. You don’t need both
“big lug was to shy”...”to” should be “too”
“and touch by the hand of”...”touch” should be “touched”
This is really well written. Dialog is great and flows with the story. Your images and descriptions are wonderful and help to pull the reader into the story.
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