thank you. That’s a good good suggestion “un-witch” I have a few questions on that. I will do that, if I can edit without uploading another version & loosing old reviews & comments. Any tips on doing that successfully? ;)
Poetry / Rehab Sister (Analysis)
Give up your clothes to the nurses
although you dread being naked
Forfeit your cloak of suffering
chunked on the floor and bleeding
Take a long thick drink
of the thin vanished essence
erased like crumbs of dust
broken and tangled senses
Unwitch forgotten courage
shrouded in narcotics
Sanity dangles in infirmary
a funeral for the methodical
Cough-up your swallowed secrets
my reckless rehab sister
follow my fragile footsteps
Interlude of a refugeee lingers
Phony dreams fallout of slumber
one neurotic night after another
A trickster rummages your skinny frame
exposes a crafty captor
Tempers dense and wicked
recover from the vile of perception
Years devoured in the bottle
A region of narrow existence
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Jcogswell reviewed Version 1 -
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this is very well written, very heart wrenching.
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Sea_of_the_Kels reviewed Version 1 -
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I just saw one teensy problem, what is “unwitch” supposed to mean? Oh wait I think I understand..maybe put a – to make it an easier read, like un-witch ?
Really really good though, actually kinda makes me sad, reminds me of the crazy friends I used have, and the self-torture they had to be put through just to change… I really like the imagery though, especially “a trickster rummages your skinny frame, exposes a crafty captor”, and the beginning, “give up your clothes to the nurses, although you dread being naked”-can be taken literally, or the clothes symbolize whatever control she thought she had over her chaotic world.
Which, in a way, is applicable to everybody; nobody likes having the walls of their reality torn down.
Great job.
OctopusRex reviewed Version 1 -
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Sorry for the length of this review, I tried to cut down on words as much as possible.
The impression I got was either that the person was in rehab for pershaps alcohal or Heroin or that they were in for Bulima nervousa. Unfortunatley I couldn’t decide which. So I think that perhaps you might want to clearify it a little bit by adding in a tiny bit more. But I only suggest this if you can do it without losing any of the airyness of the poem which I think really works well here. What I mean is please don’t have a line like “in the hospital of heroin” or anything so blunt.
In poems, especially ones that paint a picture like yours, being able to see what you are describing is very important and while most things worked very well I feel I had trouble picturing the words “chunked” and “unwitch”. I think that you might want to ask a few friends what they picture when they here those words and if they’re answers aren’t what you intended in your poem you might want to change them. If they’re answers are what you intended then leave them be.
Another change might be in this line “erased like crumbs of dust” I fell that a simile like this deserves to be explained. I mean explain how are crumbs of dust erased? Is it because they are so small that the slightest breath, the shallowest of sighs, causes them to disperse into the air? Or something else? I think it’s a great set-up and a smilie that really engages the mind I just feel it’s half complete. Take it to the next level. I think you really have the talent to do that.
This line “Phony dreams fallout of slumber” is one that needs a little clarification. I wonder are phoney dreams the fallout of slumber or are phoney dreams falling out of slumber? If it’s the first then put a colon or semi-colon after dreams and if the second seperate the fallout into seperate words. Personally I prefer the first interpration, it’s really intersting. I also have a slight problem understanding what a phoney dream is? If the person is in for drugs then I’d imagine it was a drug dream but since I’m confused as to who is in the hospital I really don’t know.
I think this is a good poem, it’s airy enough that it lends to multiple interpreations and meanings to different people but not so out there that only the author can relate to it. That is a problem I feel a lot of poets have and one you avoid wonderfully. I think you have a lot of talent and will rate that highly and think you are only a little ways off from this being publishable.
Spriglief reviewed Version 1 -
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You use a host to descriptive words that puts me in the room with the addict. “Thick drink” is a good example. I could picture those little plastic cups with the foul tasting syrup and the attendant hovering over to make sure it is taken. Your last line was a perfect summation of the life of your character. Your poem does so much with so few words. I think brevity is the primary definition of poetry.
I want to hear more about the rehab sister. She could be used as a mirror of your primary character. Also, I saw/felt some conflict between the two, or maybe an orderly, with this line… “A trickster your rummages skinny frames.” If this is about sexual abuse inside the institution, then don’t change it. Leave it to the imagination of your readers.
I know it a matter of style, but I would have used first person in this write.
Sarahlee reviewed Version 1 -
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Love this poem and word usage.
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, I admit I don’t review as much as I should. I am thrilled to have taken the time to ‘stumble’ across this beautiful, emotionally packed piece. You lay it out so very clear, so intense, truly captivating! You describe such depth of pain in such a beautiful way, if that makes any sense. I adore the line “A trickster rummages your skinny frame’. Brilliant! me…
Hannibal reviewed Version 1 -
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Now this is a work of art.
Now I see what poetry is capable of becoming.
The reiteration of the imperatives is arresting,
“Give up…
“Forfeit…
“Take…
“Unwitch…
“Cough-up…
“Follow…
And the relating phrases placed within the verses,
”...your clothes…
”...your cloak…
”...long drink…
”...thin…essence…
“erased…
“broken…
“shrouded…
Now I see how words really “rhyme”.
And the subtlety of the rhyming as well,
”...suffering
”...bleeding
”...essence
”...senses
”...sister
”...lingers
”...slumber
”...another
This portrait you present here is palpable,
and breathing and haunting.
You reveal an authentic insight into the deranged condition,
a condition I recognize.
The final verse is such a sorrowful and compassionate expression.
Bravo, maestro.
Hannibal
stephw reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked the tone of the poem, it was very clear on its dehumanization of the addict in rehab. There were a few little things that I hardly noticed on my first read, but might help you to clean it up.
“chunked on the floor and bleeding”—Do you mean chucked? I can’t picture a cloak being chunked, that visual doesn’t work for me. Bleeding does, though.
“a long thick drink
of the thin vanished essence” This seems contradictory. I liked the long thick drink, it makes me think it is hard to swallow, but then the vanished existence is thin, so I found myself confused.
“Unwitch forgotten courage” What does “unwitch” mean? Confusing.
“a funeral for the methodical” I loved this, the idea of the methodical nature of the addict, I think you could go further with this idea, either referring to counting pills or minutes until the next dose/high.
“refugeee” is misspelled.
“the vile of perception”—vial as in a vial of medication or vile as in evil? If you mean evil then it should be the vile perception (or you could make it mean BOTH by saying “the vial perception.”
Overll: strong in tone and feeling, needing some more strong images.
richardlynn51 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very powerful.I felt your anguish. I found some words maybe not making sense; 4th line, a cloak on the floor “bleeding”? Maybe “in a pile” 9th line “in which”? I like “cough up your swollowed secrets” much potential here..thanks
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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The catchy title drew me in- and there are a lot of good images- and at the end of the poem- I wondered what was the point? It’s descriptive and doesn’t comment on the situation- it needs to.
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