do you mean the shell is the empty case that would be lying on the floor, or am I entirely off in ammunition to weapon?
Poetry / Motherless Daughter (Analysis)
My sister is a Motherless daughter
like me We inherited the unfit
from our father One night in November
mother was holding Lily on her hip
Fighting was never hidden At our house
I watched my mother die In the kitchen
shotgun's blast rings My six- year-old ears
went deaf Over-powered by daddy's gun
mommy fell to the floor Baby in her arms
shell lodged in her skull The fighting stops
a cracked and splinterd life Lay flooding
on the linoleum floor I lay beside her
soothing Lily Scared and shaking in fragments
and tears My eyes won't look at mom's
already dead face Dad splattered
on the wall Now spilling to the floor
leaking over to my side And I am not bothered
and I'm not leaving her And Lily and I lay there
grieving her half-gone face After a while
neighbors pull us from her chest And cover
her unliving head Now I tell Lily
pretend stories I make up mom Smiles and laughter
painted lips and nails tipped Red each time
I let Lily forget mommy's real face Busted open
so she will never know How it feels
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Avryhof reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked it. Did get a little confusing at times but overall I felt it was to the point. I like the style you used by just presenting it as it is. But what I found confuseing was why the incluseion of some things that were not really needed to make this powerful and kind of took away from this over all.
- add/view comments (3)
stephw reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked the narration here, the story flowed nicely. I found the seemingly random capitalization distracting. I would prefer line breaks there or periods to break it up if you mean for the reader to pause. Even a comma here or there wouldn’t be amiss. I see this as a kind of retelling without stopping overcome by the emotion of the retelling and yet keeping it in check. Very powerful story.
A few small points. Make sure that if you are writing fromt he POV of a 6YO, that all your vocabulary is that of a 6YO. the last 2 lines do this VERY well, but “lodged in her skull” stands out as something a 6YO would not say.
“Lay flooding
on the linoleum floor” – Lay burst or exploded on the linoleum floor? With a shotgun I picture her whole face just exploded and missing. SO disturbing.
Maybe the girl whould be holding her sister as well cause I am not sure if the baby wouldn’t get hit by the shotgun blast if she is being held by the mother when she gets shot.
Overall: great narration, strong characterization through most of it, powerful story.
ConquerorWyrm reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Powerful little story and yes, it demands an emotional response, but I have some issues on form and use of some words. Primarily what causes issues when I read it is the complete lack of any punctuation. Couple this with two other factors, what appears to be near random capitalization throughout and lines which could or could not be a solitary phrase, and this becomes difficult for the reader. My suggestion would be to separate your lines either by punctuation or better yet, phrases marked by natural or dramatic pauses. As it is, an awful lot of the very emotional impact is lost through having to find out where you are in the poem.
As for words, yes, this is a little nit-picky, but “flooding” (... life Lay flooding on the linoleum…) sounds odd. ”flowing” or “seeping” or “splattered” or something, but “flooding” doesn’t fit the image of a shotgun blast. Which brings us to the other word…”shell”...now a complete and unfired shotgun round, or the empty case once fired, can be referred to as a “shell”. Unless though it was what is called a “deer slug”, then it can’t be a “shell” lodged in her skull…I know, it’s nit-picking, but it’s like talking about a duck’s nose instead of it’s bill…it draws unwanted attention to an inappropriate description.
Carina reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really like this…it is so tragic but it is told in such a matter of fact way that it has a lot of impact. It just kind of runs on without structure which I typically don’t like but I think it works fine here because it is telling a story of a senseless act. I love the way you talk about it thinking about your sister and trying to take the hurt for yourself. I don’t understand some of the capitalizations, I am not sure if they are necessary but they are interesting. Although you don’t use punctuation, you might consider a period at the end and maybe some elsewhere. All in all a really good job on this.
MEGANATORR reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
oh god this is intense, it’s absolutely gorgeous
though may i inquire, what’s the significance of the capitalization?
Hannibal reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is so cute. (Just kidding.)
There is a compelling dichotomy between the horror of the account
and the seeming nonchalance of the recounting,
this to me suggests the lingering emotional trauma.
The tension is also apparent in the disparity between the lines and the verses.
This poem seems completely revised and edited; each word is essential.
Excellent.
H.
Showing 1 - 6 of 6
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
6 Reviews 11 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 7 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 11 Times
Ratings & Rankings
