Thanks. This = a boy from Vermont and a man from Virginia walking together, hand in hand, in peace. I suppose it helps to know that the PA monument overlooks the position that the Vermont Brigade held against Pickett’s Virginians. Not sure I can really pack all that in there. I will consider your comments, which are much appreciated.
Poetry / Gettysburg- Three Years Old at the Pennsylvania Monument
Emerging from the spiral staircase
a tall, handsome man smiles.
He startles you in the open air and light.
You greet him, communicate cheerfully
about Vermont, tentatively
about going through that door
how it might be dark and scary to climb.
He reassures you in a deep Virginian’s drawl
and tells vividly of the observation deck.
But you decide finally, thoughtfully, against.
You look at me and then grab his finger.
He helps you step carefully
down broad marble steps to the grass.
You chatter to us both the whole way.
I could never tell you so artfully my son,
that why they died here
is now, this.
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PenelopeMV reviewed Version 2 -
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The last stanza gives me a problem with the wording. You’ve left something out. Is it race? What is it? Something’s missing in the last line- that what they died for is this- you need to be more clear.
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ConquerorWyrm reviewed Version 2 -
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Interesting read, and difficult for me to speak on as in it both moved me as well as left me lacking. Where it lacked was in conveying clearly what and where or why…that is, until the very end wherein a powerful punch is delivered. It appears, the whole piece, as a moment captured and portrayed, a brief glimpse into a few brief moments located in the present. The connection to the tragedy which long ago had occurred there, throughout, is lacking. Only in that final phrase is any connection to the location or the incident expressed. That final line though is the linchpin, that which pulls the whole together…yet still it remains unconnected to the title which, unless one is familiar with the location specifically described, could be anywhere.
My next comment might very well be just a personal preference so do keep that in mind. The manner in which you lay the body of the verse out is, to me, weak in structure. Again, this might be personal, but where you add a pause, a comma, in the middle of a line, in the middle of a phrase, breaks the reader at an unnatural place. For example of this, consider this line in particular…
“about Vermont, tentatively”
It appears as if you are finishing one line of thought and starting another whole phrase in the middle of a line as opposed to using this natural break begin a new line. To me, that reads unnaturally.
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the father’s perspective, watching (very proudly?) the child interact with the stranger. Everything looks larger from this POV.
artfully my son, = artfully, my son, (comma before direct address)
The fascinating (and frustrating) part of this poem is the word “this” at the end. This could be the relationship between the boy and his father, the monument itself (but this doesn’t make so much sense to me), the nation as it is today (the normal answer to Why do soldiers die?).
The problem I see is that it’s never clear that the child knows he’s in a cemetery. Is he? Maybe this is the part that’s missing?
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful. Very nice rhythm and overall tone. The only weaknesses I see with the work as is, is that several lines are a bit wordy (lines 7, 10 and 12). They are not clumsily long, but in the otherwise tight structure you’ve established I believe they stand out. It may be a little tricky to pare them though because you’ve really used words economically here. You might try removing “going in to” on line 7, removing “in,” the comma and “he” in line 10, and maybe “but” in line 12. Just to see how you like it.
This has a very nice feel, tender, touching and the images are solid. You don’t have far to go with it at all.
Mariama reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a good poem. I do have a little problem though; I don’t understand the last part of the poem:
I could never tell you
So artfully my son,
That why they died here
is this.
I had no problem reading and understanding the rest of the poem though, beautifully written. Please, if you could elaborate a little more…
Static reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok… This to me flowed more like a piece of prose than a poem except for a few slightly poetic moments.
I believe that the stanza:
He reassures you
in a calm southern voice, he tells stories
of the observation deck-
but you decide finally, thoughtfully, against.
should be broken up into more than just one long sentence… perhaps after “he reassures you” or after “souther voice”... But I feel that it DOES need to be broken up; it just doesnt make sense the way it is.
Also, as a reader, I’ve come away from the poem not knowing what the hell it was all about. I thought I did while reading it, but the ending just seemed really off to me and confused the hell out of me.
I could never tell you
so artfully my son,
that why they died here
is this.
I cannot seem to wrap my head around this stanza… “is this” ..is what? Also, I think you need a comma after “you” – but I could be wrong.
You grab his finger
Why only his finger? If he was a child so small that he could only manage to grasp a finger, he wouldnt be able to walk or chatter…
Other than that, it was an enjoyable – albeit confusing – read.
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
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i get an incomplete picture of the day’s events… and an uneasy feeling that a tall blonde stranger takes the child away… i have read and re-read this piece and find i am perplexed… confused.
“I could never tell you
so artfully my son,
that why they died here
is this.”
...is what?...
spincycletexas reviewed Version 1 -
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You have talent and I can see that with a revision this poem could have great meaning. In the first stanza there is no need for the word immediatly. This word draws away from the flow of the poem. In the second stanza the word climb messes with the flow. Perhaps a different word one that maybe ryhms with him.
In the third stanza the line about the observation deck is a bit confussing and again the flow is damaged. In the fourth, the line You chatter all the way doesn’t realy need to be there. If you want to convey nervous chatter create another stanza. The last stanza is confussing. elaborate with one more stanza.
Your weakness is having the poem flow. Fix that and it will be a great poem.
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