Sci Fi & Fantasy / Kings and Cutthroats (Analysis)
Chapter One
The Key to Blood
King Draconian Balendorf, stood on the edge of the cliff, as his army prepared to destroy the dreaded Aurelian outpost. His armor was always extremely ornate. King Balendorf had often made sure that it was His armor that most stood out on the battlefield. His soldiers thought that it was simply to show off his money and power, which he always seemed to do. However, King Balendorf often did this to show his enemy who was king. As if to challenge them, when they saw the king on the battlefield. After all, King Balendorf was the most powerful knight in his army second only to Netharius. King Balendorf feared no enemy and typically rushed into battle on the front lines. Many of King Balendorf’s enemies thought this was simply a myth conjured up by young mages and impressionable knights. Kings, Generals, and Captain’s were always targets on the battlefield, especially one as hated as King Draconian Balendorf. However all enemies King Balendorf faced quickly discovered this was no myth. The King had many scars on his body to prove this fact. However only a few were visible when he was fully armored. King Draconian Balendorf had a very long scar that extended from his left temple to his right eye. This made the king somewhat frightful to lay eyes upon. If you were unfortunate enough however, to know the king, this would be the least frightful aspect of him. King Balendorf was known to torture people who he suspected to be in breach of security around his castle, until they told him that they were guilty. The King thought that since he was finding guilty people that he was in fact getting somewhere when in fact he was only slowly killing off his entire staff. King Balendorf was more ruthless when it came to his enemies. It seemed that King Balendorf wanted war and spread the war through each of the major factions for sheer fun. The king despised the wicked Aurelian’s and sought to remove them from his lands once and for all. The Aurelian’s were a resourceful people and eluding the king was one thing they were damn good at. King Balendorf smiled to himself, as he looked at the fortress that he has sought after for so long. You can run from me no more he thought to himself.
The best smiths in all of Bodinia had brilliantly constructed King Balendorf’s armor. It was made ages ago when the first king of Bodinia had sustained a grievous wound to his chest while attempting to gain freedom from the tyrannical king of Gondozia. The armor was beautifully decorated with the finest red and yellow jewels. He also wore a red and yellow cape, as did his officers. His armor had his family’s crest, a huge sailboat with an enormous dragon under the hull, which was also red and yellow. The King’s helmet was also adorned in red and yellow jewels with a red mohawk down the center.
“Take no prisoners. I will not show them any mercy for the crimes they have committed against me.” King Balendorf turned and stormed down to his troops. “I’ll kill every last one of those goddamn cutthroats and smile as the crows feast on their twisted lifeless bodies.” The King yelled at nobody in particular. King Balendorf was very upset over the recent loss of his captain, Poppy. The man was at least sixty but he fought with such grace and skill that most would believe him to be in his twenties. The Captain was murdered by who the king suspected was the Aurelians. King Balendorf cursed at his army’s uselessness, as these murders seemed to be more frequent as of late. The King swore that no more of his officer’s would die at the hands of the Aurelian’s for surely they would all die tonight.
“Yes, sire” General Trayfus answered. He then turned and carried the order to all of the Captains, before he made his way to the front lines.
General Trayfus was a feared General. He had been conquering kingdoms for almost twenty years. His soldiers feared him because he was more ruthless than the king was, and his enemies feared him for the same reason. It was once told that when seizing a great fortress the opposing general taunted him, a grievous mistake on their part. When General Trayfus returned to his army, he ordered that the general be taken alive. After the fortress was taken, he took the foolish general to his favorite dungeon. He then tortured the general for months. Some say even years. However, his soldiers never feared going into battle with General Trayfus on their side. He was wise beyond his years. He was not only the general of the Bodinian army but he was also the wartime advisor of King Balendorf. He had known the king since he was a boy. His father was charged with the late King Balendorf’s protection and often times they played together growing close over the years. The two men were as brothers in these dark times. Brothers that no one wished to oppose.
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Thomas Varklow was known as the Grandmaster of the Aurielian guild. The Aurelian’s were skilled assassin’s who made a living killing for gold. Thomas walked aimlessly around the fortress in his sleeping attire. He pondered how his next contract would work out. He was paid over five hundred gold to kill a high ranking officer of the Bodinian army.
“Perhaps I will put Edward on it when he returns,” he thought to himself. Edward was his most gifted pupil. He found the young boy when he was only five years old and began training him immediately. He often found himself worrying about the boy and how he was doing on his contracts. The Grandmaster laughed at the thought of worrying about him. The boy was no longer a boy but a man who was to be feared and respected. He always gave his contracts a chance to run away and never come back. Most Aurelian’s however would not even think about a move like that. To the Aurelian’s stealth and cunning were the most effective tools one could rely on. However, Edward was taught the God’s way in addition to the way of the sword.
Thomas was quickly pulled from his thoughts as he heard shouts and screams from the guard’s outside. He quickly rushed to his room and donned his armor. He rushed out of the room and quickly remembered that he could not kill anyone without his sword. Thomas always kept his sword in a chest beside his bed, separate from his armor. Thomas jumped over his bed, fumbled through his chest and pulled out his famous short sword. Once again, Thomas ran out of his room and down the hall to the sleeping barrack. He opened the door and yelled at the sleeping assassins.
“Men to arms,” he shouted. “Arm yourselves and make for the northern walls.”
His soldiers were as confused as they were concerned for the Grandmaster’s sanity. In over fifty years, no enemy had ever unearthed the location of this stronghold. No one even thought it was possible to march an army of any size down to this remote location. Trusting the Grandmaster, the men hastily put on their armor and made for the weapons room.
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King Draconian Balendorf joined General Trayfus on the front lines of the battle. He turned and looked at his magnificent army. They were twenty thousand strong. The King liked uniformity and had organized his army accordingly. The Captains knew that they must position the men exactly how they were trained to. If they didn’t then there would be a price to pay. Usually that meant death and dismemberment. King Balendorf knew that a well-organized army could over come any obstacle that they would face. This would soon prove to be true however, King Balendorf needed no proof as he had witnessed his army’s uniformity many times and sought to perfect it. The men on the front lines with the commanders each wore heavy armor. Their long pikes and heavy tower shields made them a sight to be proud of. Behind them were three more rows of heavily armored soldiers but they wielded axes in addition to tower shields. Behind them were six more rows of sword wielding soldiers. The soldiers stood in formation in squares that were ten soldiers long and ten soldiers deep. One hundred squares fanned out in front of the fortress. They were spaced exactly twenty feet apart normally, with three rows of ten archers in between the front line soldiers. Since they were seizing the Aurelian fortress General Trayfus had suggested that King Balendorf leave his archers behind the army so he wouldn’t waste the unnecessary arrows. After a while, they got to be quite expensive. After all, they were already suffering minor set backs as the Aurelian’s invaded his country’s gold mines numerous times.
Five enormous siege engines slowly made their way through a fifty-foot gap towards the front of the heavily armored men. Four of the machines looked like gigantic ladders. They were reinforced with steel crossbars all the way to the top. The ladders were about fifty feet tall with small outcroppings every ten feet. They had huge thick wooden planks to protect the soldiers from arrows. These machines were pushed and pulled by horses and men. They were displaced evenly about twenty feet from each other starting at the thick wooden gates of the fortress going to the left and right of the gates.
The fifth siege engine was the king’s favorite. An enormous battering ram was used to break open thick reinforced doors. It was shaped like a short stubby sailboat, which was part of King Balendorf’s insignia. It was held into place by a huge reinforced cube like structure. It hung down from thick iron chains from the bottom side of the top of the structure. On the sides of the ram were thick walls of wood to protect it from burning oil. The top was covered in the same thick wooden walls. Only the front and back of this war machine was open. The sides were painted by artisans from around the world. It had two huge fortresses that were ablaze on the side of it. In the middle of this painting was the great war machine itself towering over the fortresses obviously disproportionate as to inspire fear or awe.
As the war machine neared the fortress, King Balendorf could hear the deadly assassin’s screaming in fear. This fed the King’s ambition as well as his thirst for blood. The earth trembled and shook under the enormous machine as it neared the thick iron gates.
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Edward rode his mighty warhorse down the winding road. He had been on the path for nearly two full weeks. He had just returned from a very difficult contract and wanted nothing more than to rest in a bed for a change. He had been gone for more than a month and longed to be in the protection of Fort Wastriel. As Edward neared the stronghold, he noticed something peculiar. It sounded like a marching army. Edward quickly dismissed the thought. He knew better than anyone that the mere thought of an army marching toward Wastriel was absurd. That was why they chose this location. The surrounding terrain made it extremely difficult if not downright impossible to march an army to the keep. Edward stropped, he heard that sound again. As he neared the final turn of his long monotonous journey, he got off his horse and peered around the corner.
Edward couldn’t believe his eyes. The damn Bodinian army was actually attacking. What was more surprising was that they actually managed to bring siege engines. Edward’s eyes went wide with horror. “My God,” he said to himself, “The Key to Blood.” In all of his years, which were not many, Edward was only twenty-three years old, he had never witnessed the monstrosity of this enormous siege engine. Sure, he had heard stories but they didn’t even do it justice. Edward knew he had to do something and quick. He jumped onto his horse and turned around. The horse raced back up the path a little ways before darting out to the side dangerously close to a large cliff. On this cliff was a huge twisted gray tree that looked to be almost five thousand years old. Edward tied off his horse and walked around the tree. On the backside of the tree was a small door, almost impossible to see even if you were looking right at it. Edward gave a quick look to see if any scouts were watching. When he decided it was safe he quickly ducked inside.
Edward quickly shot down the roughly crafted staircase into a very long and winding corridor. He was already tired from the journey as well as a severe lack of sleep. Nevertheless, he pushed on and on knowing that his friends were in trouble. Edward ran through the cavernous escape route, desperately hoping to hear some of his friends. But he didn’t hear anyone. He thought the worst until. Finally, he was there.
Edward quickly ran up the small makeshift staircase, until he reached a concrete door. Edward quickly unsheathed his dagger, which oddly enough was strapped to his arm. With a quick prayer, he quietly opened the door.
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“I don’t want any of them to escape, Captain Renault, take the back twenty legions and surround the fortress. Take one rider per legion if any sizeable force tries to escape send word immediately.” King Balendorf demanded. “Kill all who oppose you, leave no survivors.”
Captain Renault was well liked by his soldiers. He was a smart man, and he wasn’t cruel at all. King Balendorf had entertained the idea of killing him before but his military insights, as well as his fighting prowess was more than enough of a reason to keep him around. “Yes, my liege.” Captain Renault replied.
Within a matter of minutes King Balendorf heard the familiar sound of legions marching. Those cutthroat bastards will have nowhere to run. He said to himself. Captain Renault might be a god damn softie but he is also one hell of a fighter.
When all of the units were in place Captain Renault ordered his rider to send word to the king. He had evenly dispersed all of his legions around the fortress in the uniformity that he knew would please the king. Captain Renault was especially being cautious today as he knew the king hated the Aurelians and wanted this to be perfect. He hadn’t gotten to this position by being stupid and he quickly learned that King Balendorf kept an open ear to his Captain’s thoughts. Captain Renault went to King Balendorf and suggested little tidbits of information that would make the army more organized. What he didn’t know was that King Balendorf knew how to organize his army and didn’t need the ramblings of a softie to perfect it.
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You don’t need a comma after “as “in the first paragraph, ok?
..”his money and power, (which he always seemed to do).” Can you take out this addition? It is not needed. The reader knows he is a show-off.
“However all enemies King Balendorf faced quickly discovered this was no myth.
Not an effective sentence because you don’t tell what “this” means.
How about, However, his enemies quickly discovered that while in battle, the kings ability to kill without compunction was no myth. I tried to make this sentence effective. You need to catch the readers attention early on.
You use frightful twice. I believe the sentence would be more effective if you found a word to replace frightful in the second sentence.
Can you tell the reader where this is and what year it is? Date and place are crucial to a novel’s believability. You also need to add a little history to this piece, that way, the reader can visualize scenes taking place, ok?
It will become monotonous to the reader if you keep using the kings whole name in every sentence. You can always say, the king or he, or even the ruler. Look at these sentences and read them aloud. Note how the repetition screws with the rhythm. ”King Balendorf was more ruthless when it came to his enemies. It seemed that King Balendorf wanted war and spread the …”
You are very good at description but i have a suggestion. Why don’t you open this with a battle scene? Show us how ruthless the king is. Have him stab a few enemies with his trusty sword. Right now this comes off a bit fairytalish. Stories like this beg for action. Show don’t tell so much. Do you think this is a good suggestion?
Arrows are expensive? Where did they get them. I don’t think i would talk about expense here. It sounds so modern.
War machine? You must explain what this machine looks like. As the reader, i am wanting to know what year this is and why they have machines. Do you see why you must include the date and where it takes place. This is what is called a “readers response review” i am responding to what i read and asking the “why” questions.
Above is my review. I am not dissing this story. As a reader i do want action. This is fantasy and it begs for it. Your characters are very interesting and well -drawn but give me a reason to keep reading ok. I hope i have helped. This is my aim. Good luck, Sandi. Oh too much criteria above. Take some out, ok.
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