Thankyou for such an insightful review. I am grateful that someone took the timew to see the message and not just the mistakes and still reached out to help me….ThankYou Again…..
Poetry / Your out of time
I've got no time for you so don't include me in what you want to do.
Don't come telling me what a better man you could be,
If only I'd soften my heart and give you another chance with me.
How stupid would I have to be to open myself up for more of the pain you gave me.
I can laugh in your face, make you drop your head and leave in disgrace.
Cause you have no more control over me, My eyes have opened and now I see.
Your honeyed words are bitter to my ears for I know they are as faulty as your smile.
You say your a victom but there is only yourself to blame.
Mommy and daddy still baill you out, it's still the same.
Your a man in his late forthys, but you'll never be grown.
You won't take responablity for your life or your children.
Have a pity party, pop a ballon or two, we all know all you care about is you.
Your children have disowned you and you family ignore your calls.
Boy, you sure did turn out to be something after all.
Except the thing you turned into nobody likes, No not even you.
You were always biting off more than you could chew.
Nope, I've got no time time for you and all your sputter.
You starting to believe those lies you utter.
Lord know thats all you can do.
Your silver tongue has turned to rust.
And instead of sex all you can do now is lust.
No, I don't have time for the likes of you,
Thank God all Mighty I have better things to do.
Vickie Lollis
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Dark_Lady reviewed Version 2 -
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The misspelled words is the main reason why I gave a lower score for being seen by an agent or wanting it to be seen by publishers and agents or lit mag publishing.
It is (I repeat…) it is NOT because it does not have quality—but you surely don’t want to set yourself up for the bottom of the pile for misspellings!
Artistically and expressively you will see that I gave it a ‘9’ and an ‘8’ on its artistic and poetical merit. You show such depth of emotion and the rawness of a heartbreak--tempered like steel in fire--after time has passed and as you look backwards and survey it all.
Powerful stuff, right here!
Just go through and fix the glaring misspellings that detract reader attention.. and you’re gold!
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Hannibal reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay. You have the passion and the messege.
Now you have to trim and carve each line to a knifes sharp edge.
These words were meant to be hard to take.
For example;
“I’ve got no time for you so don’t include me in what you want to do.
Don’t come telling me what a better man you could be,”
may be;
“I’ve got no time for you, I’m not a part of what you do
What you could or will be, is simply worthless to me”
Also in the third to last line, maybe replace “sex” with “love”.
Of course, only you can write what’s right.
But trim phrases and remove any lines that have already been said in other lines.
Hannibal
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