Short Story / Expectations

Overall I thought the charactor was the strongest part of the story, which was probably your intention. As it stands right now, the story just kind of rambles but I thought a longer version that focuses on Mira and her flightiness would be pretty interesting.

First confusion, “the postal worker” (later named Stephanie) appears to be the guy Mira and Laura are talking about. This makes phrases like, “the chatty postal worker had filled him in” incredibly confusing.

Next, a few lines down, “Poor Mira…” Personally, I’d kill the ellipsis. I know it indicates the thought trailing off, but since you’re not really setting Laura’s thoughts apart from the narration it just looks slightly awkward, as if you aren’t sure where to go. At the very least, I’d italicize the phrase and make it clearly an internal thought.

Then, “But Mira was flighty, after all, and no one expected anything different from her.” Why not, “But Mira was flighty, after all. No expected anything different from her.” This is sort of the tagline of the story, “Mira was flighty. It’s what they all expect.” So why not break it up and make it punchier, rather than the one long sentence make it two short and snappy lines.

The boys call through Mira’s evening is probably the best part of the piece. “Mira hung up, and turned on her speakers as she danced around her dorm, feeling brilliant and completely in love,” is absolutely the best line. I love it. We can only be told that she’s flighty so many times, here we actually see it.  With “Or, at least, for tomorrow to be the best day of her life” you might want to change ‘for’ to ‘expecting’, for clarity’s sake. It took me a second to follow in my first time through, so just a thought.

There were a few other small things, but nothing else really worth commenting on.

More generally, I think what would help you the most would be two simple things. First, more details!! What do these girls look like? How about ‘post office boy’? Does he even have a name? What is the café like? Earlier, what music did Mira dance to? Swelling orchestrations, pop-rock, jazz?

Second, I like the book ends of Laura shaking her head bemusedly at Mira’s adventure. However, I think you should take the middle part and go a step further. Go into Mira’s eyes. Go totally first person and give us her thoughts, her feelings, and the like. Don’t just show her chasing a squirrel, show her thoughts that led her to doing so. Then, at the end, when you step back to Laura it’s a nice, calming contrast.

Anyway, over all, I think it’s very fun—certainly an enjoyable read. I would love to read your revisions as they come, I think the story is grand.

I liked it, your could feel you were there with tthe girl.

it was a basic story, which is not to say it was bad in anyway. I sense that it was written from perhaps your own ideas or previoius encounters. I would have liked to read some descriptions of scenery and or the peoples appearence. Thats sort of a personal taste. I felt like I was in a big city, Paris, or New York, where was I?

This story slightly depressed me.  I can see no major problems with it, but there were a few small things that I did notice.  A few of the transitions seemed to be a bit jarring, and could maybe benifit from a new style.  

Ex: ”...truly aware of her surroundings.  “Hi,” Mira said ecstatically.”

This seemed to me to be an abrupt change from Lauras thoughts to Miras conversation, and could maybe go something like this: ...of her surroundings.  Mira looked a the phone for a moment, before pressing the call transfer button, her mind racing through the scenes from her favorite movies, where the girl always got her man.  ”Hi,” Mira said ecstatically, as the phone clicked over.

With bad transitions, the flow of the story is lost, and readers lose interest.  other than that, you did a very good job of conveying the flighty nature of the girl, and The story was interesting, if a bit sad.  Hope this is helpful.  
  

Flighty indeed!  She literally flew the coop on her date.  It was a strange twist and my favorite part of the story.  I would exclude this:

“But, as always, there was a fair chance of her to be too caught up in her fictionalized ideas of real life to notice him.”

It is an awkward statement and telling.  The previous sentence is so good and then this sentence really bombed.  You would necessarily need to change the following paragraph and should, because it was awkward as well. I would keep: “So Mira sat in the cafe, and not staring into space like usual.” and everything after.

The only other awkward portion was in the beginning:  ”“So you’re saying the post office worker let it slip that you talk about him every day?””  Instead of “him” give the boy a name or change the structure so that the reader understands that “him” isn’t the post office worker.  An easy fix, but a very important one.

I like the overall theme of this piece, but I think you need to make Mira more sympathetic so the end packs more of a punch. As it is now, I feel more sorry for her date than Mira herself.

“she proclaimed in a horrified tone” – this is obvious based on the context, if you need more, describe less obtusely

“Being the good friend she was” – cut this

You need a space before a dash.

“He did not answer fast enough for her!” don’t use exclamation marks in exposition

“formulated something to say.” this is awkward, try saying something more casual instead, same with “She did something of rarity”.

Aw, that was adorable.  I loved it and really have no constructive feedback to give besides the fact that I found myself smiling like an idiot through most of it.  Wonderful job!

You have started a great foundation to a solid story. I enjoyed the beginning conversation between Mira and her friend, Laura. I was able to surmise their relationship through the conversation you artfully created. Simply put, your words pulled me in as if I was in the moment with the two characters.

   Some grammer suggestions:

     leaked away and sapped out of her. Disappeared.
           leaked away and sapped out of her, disappeared.

     elusive Mira- the one who never had
       elusive Mira, the one who never had

  It would also be great to give the guy from the post office a name. Even if he introduces himself in the phone call. That way you give him significance. His character appeared as if he might be an important character later in the story. Especially since the first few lines were pertaining to him.
  
  Your ending seemed unfinished. It was as if the story began but it didn’t finish. You said in the end Laura felt pity for the man. Tell us why. Give us deatails. Has Mira done this before? Why does Laura think Mira is this way? Does Mira realize how flighty she is? Readers want to know details, and though your descriptions of the environment is superb; I found myself hoping to get some more background info on Mira.
  

...listened to her pitiful friend. >>?

...to touch down, like a tornado of feathers in a strange land…
I mean to say, expand that thought just a bit. It would flow a little better.

Syncing? Like synchronizing?

her bout to logical thoughts….Try another word, other than bout.

Oh, poor guy. Someone needs to schedule a doctor’s appointment for that silly girl. lol

Cute story. Your descriptions of the holes in her mind were easy to follow, and I felt sorry for her loss, of mind.