Short Story / Expectations

There seemed to be too much description of thoughts rather than depictions of actions.  It read a little more like an essay than a story.  On the other hand, I could clearly picture the scenes and the main character was well developed for such a short story.

Flighty indeed!  She literally flew the coop on her date.  It was a strange twist and my favorite part of the story.  I would exclude this:

“But, as always, there was a fair chance of her to be too caught up in her fictionalized ideas of real life to notice him.”

It is an awkward statement and telling.  The previous sentence is so good and then this sentence really bombed.  You would necessarily need to change the following paragraph and should, because it was awkward as well. I would keep: “So Mira sat in the cafe, and not staring into space like usual.” and everything after.

The only other awkward portion was in the beginning:  ”“So you’re saying the post office worker let it slip that you talk about him every day?””  Instead of “him” give the boy a name or change the structure so that the reader understands that “him” isn’t the post office worker.  An easy fix, but a very important one.

what time was the lunch going to be? why was she carrying the tea she sold online? what the messages he left? it is good, just a little more description would help the reader.

First off I’ll say that I like Mira.  Who couldn’t?  Haha, she’s a believable character, and charming at that.  However, your grammar and ability to turn a phrase are impossibly bad.  There were so many structural errors in this piece as to make a publisher trash it after reading less than a paragraph.  I wager you’re quite young, so why not get with your English teacher and brush this up?  You have empathy for and a good grasp of the teen condition, so it would be a shame for you to give up all together.  Keep writing, get some good, constructive feedback from someone who knows what he/she is doing, and good luck with any future endeavors.

I like the overall theme of this piece, but I think you need to make Mira more sympathetic so the end packs more of a punch. As it is now, I feel more sorry for her date than Mira herself.

“she proclaimed in a horrified tone” – this is obvious based on the context, if you need more, describe less obtusely

“Being the good friend she was” – cut this

You need a space before a dash.

“He did not answer fast enough for her!” don’t use exclamation marks in exposition

“formulated something to say.” this is awkward, try saying something more casual instead, same with “She did something of rarity”.

Aw, that was adorable.  I loved it and really have no constructive feedback to give besides the fact that I found myself smiling like an idiot through most of it.  Wonderful job!

good opening line. jumps right into the thick of things.

smooth sailing so far. quick and bubbly.

“I have to go Laura there’s”--consider, “I have to go, Laura. There’s…” or “I have to go, Laura- there’s…” up to you.

“Laura said and hung up her phone with a…”—this line has a lot of info and action in it and reads clumsy. consider splitting it up in two?

Hm. The POV shift in this area is awkward too. We go from Laura’s inner thoughts to Mira exploding on the phone. The transition threw me a little.

“He did not answer fast enough for her!”—unnecessary line

“so I was wondering…”—So,

“Mira hung up, and turned on”—Mira hung up and then

“She was almost expecting the skies…”—a bit misplaced. Considering that she’s in her room, it might be more fitting to have the roof collapse or the walls fall down.

“Fantasies sprang up…”—very odd to me. The colon threw me and this segment lacks clarity. I understand what you’re going for, but it reads too jumbled and frantic. something to consider.

“So Mira sat in the cafe, and not staring into space like usual.” Hm. So what’s she doing, if not staring into space? Consider, “Mira sat in the cafe, her usually blank stare suddenly focused.”  ?  up to you.

“so blatantly Laura had”—blatantly that Laura

“bursting out of her leaked away and sapped out of her”—sapped out of her is borderline redundant. maybe pick one or the other.

“infering his current”—inferring

good, simple close.

overall—

very busy. very bubbly. entertaining, for sure. good work there.

criticisms?

almost too busy. often awkward and clumsy. to me. could just be me. maybe consider tagging this piece with the iron a few times to try to work some of the wrinkles out. It’s a fast piece, but in order for fast to succeed, you’ve got to streamline it.

You have started a great foundation to a solid story. I enjoyed the beginning conversation between Mira and her friend, Laura. I was able to surmise their relationship through the conversation you artfully created. Simply put, your words pulled me in as if I was in the moment with the two characters.

   Some grammer suggestions:

     leaked away and sapped out of her. Disappeared.
           leaked away and sapped out of her, disappeared.

     elusive Mira- the one who never had
       elusive Mira, the one who never had

  It would also be great to give the guy from the post office a name. Even if he introduces himself in the phone call. That way you give him significance. His character appeared as if he might be an important character later in the story. Especially since the first few lines were pertaining to him.
  
  Your ending seemed unfinished. It was as if the story began but it didn’t finish. You said in the end Laura felt pity for the man. Tell us why. Give us deatails. Has Mira done this before? Why does Laura think Mira is this way? Does Mira realize how flighty she is? Readers want to know details, and though your descriptions of the environment is superb; I found myself hoping to get some more background info on Mira.
  

I found this’ to be a very amusing short story. I enjoyed it quite a lot. I feel that Mira’s “blinding enthusiasm” is actually quite contagious the way that you have portrayed her. I also feel that your portrayal of “flighty” was quite accurate as well.

Your use of dialogue was quite realistic, which kinda a deal breaker for me anyway. I got the feeling of the friendship between the two characters quite well from that.

My only critique is that I found the ending a bit abrupt. My suggestion is to flesh it out just a bit more to give a better sense of closure (not necessarily happy ending) to the piece.