Short Story / Expectations

I liked it, your could feel you were there with tthe girl.

it was a basic story, which is not to say it was bad in anyway. I sense that it was written from perhaps your own ideas or previoius encounters. I would have liked to read some descriptions of scenery and or the peoples appearence. Thats sort of a personal taste. I felt like I was in a big city, Paris, or New York, where was I?

This story slightly depressed me.  I can see no major problems with it, but there were a few small things that I did notice.  A few of the transitions seemed to be a bit jarring, and could maybe benifit from a new style.  

Ex: ”...truly aware of her surroundings.  “Hi,” Mira said ecstatically.”

This seemed to me to be an abrupt change from Lauras thoughts to Miras conversation, and could maybe go something like this: ...of her surroundings.  Mira looked a the phone for a moment, before pressing the call transfer button, her mind racing through the scenes from her favorite movies, where the girl always got her man.  ”Hi,” Mira said ecstatically, as the phone clicked over.

With bad transitions, the flow of the story is lost, and readers lose interest.  other than that, you did a very good job of conveying the flighty nature of the girl, and The story was interesting, if a bit sad.  Hope this is helpful.  
  

Flighty indeed!  She literally flew the coop on her date.  It was a strange twist and my favorite part of the story.  I would exclude this:

“But, as always, there was a fair chance of her to be too caught up in her fictionalized ideas of real life to notice him.”

It is an awkward statement and telling.  The previous sentence is so good and then this sentence really bombed.  You would necessarily need to change the following paragraph and should, because it was awkward as well. I would keep: “So Mira sat in the cafe, and not staring into space like usual.” and everything after.

The only other awkward portion was in the beginning:  ”“So you’re saying the post office worker let it slip that you talk about him every day?””  Instead of “him” give the boy a name or change the structure so that the reader understands that “him” isn’t the post office worker.  An easy fix, but a very important one.

I like the overall theme of this piece, but I think you need to make Mira more sympathetic so the end packs more of a punch. As it is now, I feel more sorry for her date than Mira herself.

“she proclaimed in a horrified tone” – this is obvious based on the context, if you need more, describe less obtusely

“Being the good friend she was” – cut this

You need a space before a dash.

“He did not answer fast enough for her!” don’t use exclamation marks in exposition

“formulated something to say.” this is awkward, try saying something more casual instead, same with “She did something of rarity”.

good opening line. jumps right into the thick of things.

smooth sailing so far. quick and bubbly.

“I have to go Laura there’s”--consider, “I have to go, Laura. There’s…” or “I have to go, Laura- there’s…” up to you.

“Laura said and hung up her phone with a…”—this line has a lot of info and action in it and reads clumsy. consider splitting it up in two?

Hm. The POV shift in this area is awkward too. We go from Laura’s inner thoughts to Mira exploding on the phone. The transition threw me a little.

“He did not answer fast enough for her!”—unnecessary line

“so I was wondering…”—So,

“Mira hung up, and turned on”—Mira hung up and then

“She was almost expecting the skies…”—a bit misplaced. Considering that she’s in her room, it might be more fitting to have the roof collapse or the walls fall down.

“Fantasies sprang up…”—very odd to me. The colon threw me and this segment lacks clarity. I understand what you’re going for, but it reads too jumbled and frantic. something to consider.

“So Mira sat in the cafe, and not staring into space like usual.” Hm. So what’s she doing, if not staring into space? Consider, “Mira sat in the cafe, her usually blank stare suddenly focused.”  ?  up to you.

“so blatantly Laura had”—blatantly that Laura

“bursting out of her leaked away and sapped out of her”—sapped out of her is borderline redundant. maybe pick one or the other.

“infering his current”—inferring

good, simple close.

overall—

very busy. very bubbly. entertaining, for sure. good work there.

criticisms?

almost too busy. often awkward and clumsy. to me. could just be me. maybe consider tagging this piece with the iron a few times to try to work some of the wrinkles out. It’s a fast piece, but in order for fast to succeed, you’ve got to streamline it.

There seemed to be too much description of thoughts rather than depictions of actions.  It read a little more like an essay than a story.  On the other hand, I could clearly picture the scenes and the main character was well developed for such a short story.

what time was the lunch going to be? why was she carrying the tea she sold online? what the messages he left? it is good, just a little more description would help the reader.

“She was on a date.” You’ve already said this in the previous paragraph.

Mira is flighty, but some experiences showing how flighty she was in the past might help readers understand why she left the coffee shop.

What I like the most about this piece is the main charcter. Mira is lovable and relatable. The story is cute, but the pace needs some work.

It feels like you’re jumping from one event in the plot to another. I could hardly keep up with what was going on! At times like the phone conversation and the night before the date, it’s a good idea to linger. Explore Mira’s thoughts, create imagery in the scene around her, paint more of a picture instead of just explaining what happened next.

I think with a little addition in the detail department and some more elaboration, this could be an excellent story!