Short Story / Expectations

Pronoun confusion hit me right off the bat. I thought the postal worker was the “He” and didn’t know any better until “Yes she did!”  That is a long time not to know who HE is.  This is fixed easily:  Mira was…   Followed by

...saying your post office clerk friend…

Laura adds a contrast to Mira – I would like more of this.  Have Laura call back after Mike’s call and Mira answer so we can have more of the contrast and you have more opportunity to develop Mira.

Sounds like Mira is Bi-Polar – you may want to do a little research on that so you can even further add depth and believability to Mira’s character.

Good luck.

I like the opening here. It’s nice and light hearted, and the dialogue is wonderful. I was able to really get a good feeling for both of these characters in this first page.

I normally enjoy reading larger pieces as short stories. You have a talent for both storytelling, and character development. I would have loved to see this as a larger work. I was left with the feeling that I had simply read one scene from a story.

I know a “Mira,” I think we all do. I think this could a be am uch more effective story if you did more showing, and didn’t tell so much. You outright tell us that she is flighty, how about comparing her to a bird or something instead to get the point across with some nice imagery? Or just show us something she does or had done, and we as readers will think “man, she is flighty!”
Also, in a short story, usually the main character changes. In real life, as we know people like that don’t change usually, but in order to make a more interesting story, she should change in some way. When I think of fictional flighty characters I think of Sophie Kinsella’s Shopaholic series.
To me, this reads more as a character sketch. Now go and write a real story about this character, really get into her head. You might even want to make it first person. Good luck with your writing!

First confusion, “the postal worker” (later named Stephanie) appears to be the guy Mira and Laura are talking about. This makes phrases like, “the chatty postal worker had filled him in” incredibly confusing.

Next, a few lines down, “Poor Mira…” Personally, I’d kill the ellipsis. I know it indicates the thought trailing off, but since you’re not really setting Laura’s thoughts apart from the narration it just looks slightly awkward, as if you aren’t sure where to go. At the very least, I’d italicize the phrase and make it clearly an internal thought.

Then, “But Mira was flighty, after all, and no one expected anything different from her.” Why not, “But Mira was flighty, after all. No expected anything different from her.” This is sort of the tagline of the story, “Mira was flighty. It’s what they all expect.” So why not break it up and make it punchier, rather than the one long sentence make it two short and snappy lines.

The boys call through Mira’s evening is probably the best part of the piece. “Mira hung up, and turned on her speakers as she danced around her dorm, feeling brilliant and completely in love,” is absolutely the best line. I love it. We can only be told that she’s flighty so many times, here we actually see it.  With “Or, at least, for tomorrow to be the best day of her life” you might want to change ‘for’ to ‘expecting’, for clarity’s sake. It took me a second to follow in my first time through, so just a thought.

There were a few other small things, but nothing else really worth commenting on.

More generally, I think what would help you the most would be two simple things. First, more details!! What do these girls look like? How about ‘post office boy’? Does he even have a name? What is the café like? Earlier, what music did Mira dance to? Swelling orchestrations, pop-rock, jazz?

Second, I like the book ends of Laura shaking her head bemusedly at Mira’s adventure. However, I think you should take the middle part and go a step further. Go into Mira’s eyes. Go totally first person and give us her thoughts, her feelings, and the like. Don’t just show her chasing a squirrel, show her thoughts that led her to doing so. Then, at the end, when you step back to Laura it’s a nice, calming contrast.

Anyway, over all, I think it’s very fun—certainly an enjoyable read. I would love to read your revisions as they come, I think the story is grand.

...listened to her pitiful friend. >>?

...to touch down, like a tornado of feathers in a strange land…
I mean to say, expand that thought just a bit. It would flow a little better.

Syncing? Like synchronizing?

her bout to logical thoughts….Try another word, other than bout.

Oh, poor guy. Someone needs to schedule a doctor’s appointment for that silly girl. lol

Cute story. Your descriptions of the holes in her mind were easy to follow, and I felt sorry for her loss, of mind.

I had a hard time following the story and empathizing with Mira. I found it hard to believe that if she had gone to the trouble of adjusting her schedule so that she’d run into this guy that she would just leave before he arrived for their date.

I liked this but was kind of mad at the ending.I like how it started off in her fairy tale movie and ended that way. I was mad she didnt stay in the real world and go on the date. I get where you were going with this and I cant really explain, but I liked it. She rather be in this fantasy romantic love story than live it. This is like a chick flick version of a short story, but with a depressing ended mainly for the guy she left alone in the deli.

Overall I thought the charactor was the strongest part of the story, which was probably your intention. As it stands right now, the story just kind of rambles but I thought a longer version that focuses on Mira and her flightiness would be pretty interesting.

I liked it, your could feel you were there with tthe girl.

You have started a great foundation to a solid story. I enjoyed the beginning conversation between Mira and her friend, Laura. I was able to surmise their relationship through the conversation you artfully created. Simply put, your words pulled me in as if I was in the moment with the two characters.

   Some grammer suggestions:

     leaked away and sapped out of her. Disappeared.
           leaked away and sapped out of her, disappeared.

     elusive Mira- the one who never had
       elusive Mira, the one who never had

  It would also be great to give the guy from the post office a name. Even if he introduces himself in the phone call. That way you give him significance. His character appeared as if he might be an important character later in the story. Especially since the first few lines were pertaining to him.
  
  Your ending seemed unfinished. It was as if the story began but it didn’t finish. You said in the end Laura felt pity for the man. Tell us why. Give us deatails. Has Mira done this before? Why does Laura think Mira is this way? Does Mira realize how flighty she is? Readers want to know details, and though your descriptions of the environment is superb; I found myself hoping to get some more background info on Mira.